Somehow or other there were many more queer things happening in church
in the olden time than occur in these sober and decorous days. In old
St. Paul's, Newburyport, for example, some very amusing things are
recorded to have happened during the hours of service. Uncle Nat Bailey
was the sexton, and it was his duty to attend to the new stove which had
just been put in. But one Sunday morning Uncle Nat was engaged in
ringing the bell, and the last comers were hurrying in, and the clerk,
Harvey, perceived that the stove needed attention. Taking the sexton's
duty, he poked the fire, chucked in more wood, shut the door and
returned to his place at his desk. Unfortunately he had got his hand all
black with soot, and unwittingly he had smeared the soot all over his
face. The congregation broadly smiled a few minutes later when he
solemnly rose at his desk and gave out the first hymn, "Behold the
beauties of my face."
Lighting as well as heating gave trouble in those days. Candles
guttered, or went out, and kept the attentive sextons busy tiptoeing
about, snuffing or relighting them. Sexton Currier--pronounced in
country speech "Kiah"--of Parson Milton's church in the same old town,
once neglected this duty during an evening service.
Parson Milton, from his tremendous, booming voice nicknamed "Thundering
Milton," was an excellent pastor, but very singular and abrupt in his
ways. Observing the condition of the lights, he quite upset the
congregation by proclaiming at the top of his voice, without the
slightest break between the sentences:
"The Lord said unto Moses, Kiah, snuff the candles."
He it was, too, who, when a worthy parishioner whose Christian name was
Mark once dropped off into a doze in his pew, recalled him to his duty
in a marvelous fashion. Leaning forward in the middle of the sermon, and
apparently addressing himself directly to the offender, he exclaimed in
quick, sharp tones, "Mark!"
At the sound of his name, the man opened his eyes and sat hastily erect,
while the preacher, resuming his normal voice, concluded the
sentence--"the perfect man, and behold the upright."
* * * * *
On a very cold day, when the church was inadequately warmed, another
minister preached from a very hot text. At the conclusion of the service
he leaned over the pulpit and said, in a tone audible to all the
congregation:
"Deacon Craig, do, I pray you, see to it that this church is properly
warmed this afternoon. What's the use of my preaching to a parcel of
sinners about the danger of hell-fire when the church is as cold as a
barn?"