That was, indeed, an impudent fraud, wasn’t it? It reminds me of the
frauds that were practiced in the old relic shows that used to be a
feature of country fairs.
At a country fair in my youth there was a show devoted almost to biblical
relics. I wish you could have seen the faded cloth, the rusty nails, and
the brass jewels that did duty severally for a piece of Solomon’s robe,
an earring of the Queen of Sheba, Absalom’s hairpin, David’s sling, and
so on. In the place of honor hung a sword, and the showman said—
This is the sword that Balaam was going to kill his ass with.
But, I interposed, I thought that Balaam had no sword. I thought he only
wished for one.
You’re right, said the showman, this is the sword he wished for.
* * * * *
What is a man-of-war? said a teacher to his class.
A cruiser, was the prompt reply.
What makes it go?
Its screw, sir.
Who goes with it?
Its crew, sir.
* * * * *
Is de major got his pension yit?
Oh, yes!
Used him up purty bad, didn’t dey?
Wuss you ever see! Los’ one arm whilst he waz a-tryin’ ter surrender en
broke two legs a runnin’!
* * * * *
When I was a little child, the sergeant sweetly addressed his men at
the end of an hour’s exhaustive drill, I had a set of wooden soldiers.
There was a poor little boy in the neighborhood and after I had been to
Sunday school one day and listened to a stirring talk on the beauties of
charity I was softened enough to give them to him. Then I wanted them
back and cried, but mother said, Don’t cry, Bertie, some day you will get
your wooden soldiers back, and believe me, you lob-sided, mutton-headed,
goofus-brained set of certified rolling pins, that day has come.
* * * * *
A firm in Liverpool, delighted that one of its employes was called upon
to join the reserves, volunteered to pay half his wages to his wife in
his absence. At the end of the month the woman appeared, and the moiety
was given her. What? she said; four pound? Yes, replied the senior
partner, that is exactly half, sorry you are not satisfied. It isn’t that
I’m not satisfied. Why, for years he has told me he only got 16 shillings
altogether, and—and—if the Boers don’t kill him, I will.
* * * * *
A recruiting sergeant stationed in the south of Ireland met Pat and asked
him to join the army. The latter refused, whereupon the sergeant asked
his reason for refusing.
Aren’t the King and the Kaiser cousins? asked Pat.
Yes, said the recruiting sergeant.
Well, said Pat, begorra I once interfered in a family squabble, and I’m
not going to do so again.
* * * * *
Two British soldiers went into a restaurant at Saloniki and asked for
Turkey with Greece. The waiter said—
I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I can’t Servia, whereupon the Tommies
cried—Fetch the Bosphorus!