That’s where we differ. I can tell a lie—when I hear it.
* * * * *
He had been out late. When he reached his residence the church clock was
chiming 5. Heavy, weary, disgusted, he opened the front door with some
difficulty, and softly toiled up the stairs, entering his bedchamber with
elaborate caution.
Thank goodness, she was asleep!
He dropped into a chair, and without taking off his coat or hat, began to
remove his shoes. One he placed with great care upon the floor, but alas!
as he took off the other it slipped out of his hand and fell with a loud
noise.
Wifey awoke on the instant.
She looked at him and then at the summer sunlight that streamed through
the blinds.
Why, George, what are you getting up so early for?
Talk about reprieves!
Why, my dear, replied George, with the clearest enunciation of which he
was capable. I found I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get up and go out
and take a walk.
And out the poor wretch went, dragging himself round wearily for an hour
upon the verge of tears and torpor.
* * * * *
Do you think it healthy to keep your hogs in the house? a social
investigator asked a native of Arkansas.
Waal, I donno, he drawled. But I been akeepin’ my hawgs there for
fourteen years and I ain’t never lost one on ’em yet.
* * * * *
Three artists were trying to see who had painted the most realistic
picture.
Why, I painted a picture of Abraham Lincoln which was so lifelike that I
had to shave it every day, said the first artist.
Oh, that’s nothing, said the second. I once painted a picture of a piece
of marble which was so like one that when I threw it in some water it
splashed like real marble and sank.
Why, that’s nothing, said the third, I painted a picture of a hen, and,
thinking it no good, threw it in the waste-basket, and it laid there.
* * * * *
Not a few people lose their wits in the midst of a fire. They will toss a
costly vase out of the window, but carry the tongs carefully downstairs
and out to a place of safety. They remind us of one of the anecdotes of
Mark Twain when he was a Mississippi River pilot, as told in St. Nicholas.
Boys, said the great humorist to a group of his friends—I had great
presence of mind once. It was at a fire. An old man leaned out of a
four-story building calling for help. Everybody in the crowd below looked
up, but nobody did anything. The ladders weren’t long enough. Nobody had
any presence of mind—nobody but me. I came to the rescue. I yelled for a
rope. When it came I threw the old man the end of it. He caught it, and I
told him to tie it around his waist. He did so, and I pulled him down!
* * * * *
Arkansaw Native—How much for takin’ the pictures of my children?
Photographer—Three dollars a dozen.
Native—Wa’al, I reckon I’ll have to wait a spell; I hain’t got but ’leven
children at present!
* * * * *
Hello, Olaf where you ban so long?