and make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with
them. The average couple today goes about it more casually. In the
course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that
both like the idea.
Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays
a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not.
The young man may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married”
or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly
explaining what the symbol is to mean. Most girls tell us they have
been engaged two or three times. Perhaps this vagueness is one
reason why they fall in and out of engagements.
When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are
not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry
each other ... not until they inform their friends and if possible
their respective parents that they intend to marry ... and not
until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell
the world she is engaged and off the marriage market.
Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their
fiancées an engagement ring and that is probably most practical
because a ring has been the one accepted, universal symbol of
betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years. Originally the
symbolism was less subtle. The ring originated in the days of
marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound
with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely symbolic only the
finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you decide on a
diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they range
in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According
to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls
get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars.
Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking
the couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for
each other. That is one of the basic conditions of an engagement.
Exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period,
but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating.
Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in
addition to taking you out of circulation:
--Engagement provides a period of deepening love and
affection during which there is an awakening of sexual
feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full
intimacy which marriage permits.
--It serves as a period of planning for the future during
which the two plan when they will be married, the kind of
wedding they will have, where they will honeymoon, the sort
of housekeeping arrangement they will make, where they will
live, etc.
--It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the
couple into a union.
--It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find
what activities exist that both enjoy and can share.
--It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage.
The man gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and
perfects her homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house
managing.
--It is a time to decide whether they want children and how
many.
--It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new
habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are
established.
--It is a time when differences are recognized about
religion, about parents, and solved or compromised.
Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period
that requires time.
The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty
war marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise.
Thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the
returning veterans got off the boat. We can appreciate the desire
of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do
they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages
that will result.
Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the
engagement period, which is the period of planning and preparation
for marriage, is cut short.
In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married
couples who had known each other less than six months prior to
marriage were poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted
for five years prior to marriage, less than fifteen per cent were
poorly adjusted. Of those who had known each other less than three
years, about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted.
Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor
adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months
before marriage. In contrast, less than twenty per cent had poor
adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to
two years. And less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged
more than two years were poorly adjusted. In other words, the
prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of
the engagement increases.
And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more
happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage.
Parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage
than one contracted in haste.
Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms.
First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding,
but not by a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not
only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the
evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy
even than the hasty marriage performed in public. By their very
nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples. They rarely
take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right
thing.
For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially
important that they be engaged at least six months after the
reunion before marrying. This time will permit you to become
reacquainted, to make up your minds if you still want to marry each
other, and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your
separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what to do about
his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into the
routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities
of marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for
him. Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities.
The transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go
back to an old job; it may be quite long if he elects to continue
his vocational preparation.
Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as
a period for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship
restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public
morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement.
Our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during
courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage. On
the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples,
permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods
of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances
restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from
intercourse. Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can
apply restraint more readily. However, if she loves her fiancé
deeply she is torn between two desires: whether to do or not do
what she has been taught; or whether to do or not do what her loved
one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually because of
the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great
sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be
and stick by them. Both should remember that many engagements never
result in marriage.
While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention
by the two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples
should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the
continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it
quits. They should discuss their apprehensions frankly. It is far
better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or
unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break an engagement
over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another reason for
a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be
done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage
is contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went
through a longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched
couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have
far fewer broken marriages in America!
Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends,
you should never marry a person against your better judgment
because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor
should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset
emotionally that he will commit a rash act. Such a fear in itself
should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so
probably would not make you a good spouse. (Incidentally, a rash
act is exceedingly unlikely.)
One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage
counselors is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one
mate to the other. One general principle should be followed
completely, namely, that whatever is to be revealed should be
revealed _before_ marriage and not afterward. A second principle
is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis
on which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is
wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may
build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce
problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just
because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must
be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other
are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness
in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous
marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because
they will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel
impelled--perhaps through feelings of guilt--to reveal disagreeable
aspects of your past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or
physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when
you do make the revelation, do it casually and without emotion and
without making a great fuss over it.
Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding.
Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic
with each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal
primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past.
One evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with
which you freely discuss them with each other, with your parents and
with your trusted confidants.
_Chapter XIX_
Getting Ready for Married Intimacy
In the course of counseling, one occasionally encounters a couple
whose marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy.
In one such case the two people had been married two years. More
astounding, neither of them was aware that complete physical
intimacy is quite common among married couples! Both had been
reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres. The boy was a minister’s
son. The girl had been reared by maiden aunts. They were completely
naïve about sexual phenomena and had no understanding of what was
giving them the feelings of frustration from which they suffered.
How important is sex in marriage? Does it have much to do with the
happiness one derives from marriage? Or is sex merely important in
reproduction?
While sex may not be the most important factor in marriage, it
frequently makes or breaks a marriage. And a satisfying adjustment
on the level of physical love is closely associated with marital
happiness. Probably the most important thing in making a marriage
successful is the determination of both mates to make the marriage
work. Companionship and the mutual working out of problems together
are the fruits of happy marriages. But couples are rarely good
companions if they have repressions or fears or maladjustments
which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the physical
level.
Some experts have estimated that during the first few years of
marriage nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual
adjustment achieved. This does not seem unreasonable because sex
provides the first rush of desire that launches the marriage and
continues to integrate the couple and bring a sense of harmony to
their union.
As the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying
adjustment and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in
climactic pleasure provides a bond between them. The experience
also is important in reducing the tensions that develop in both
mates during the course of their daily living. These tensions are
of many kinds but they include the sexual tension which results
from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both the
man and woman. The exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in
successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying
feelings of relaxation and serenity.
One of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married
couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment.
Studies have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely
experience orgasm and at least half of all wives do not experience
it with any great regularity. The major reasons for their failure
are:
--Most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their
husbands.
--Most young wives have less actual sex drive than their
husbands.
--The husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the
wife and are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction
for themselves.
Too often sex--instead of being a bond--becomes a quarreling point
between the couple. Both are resentful. Such feelings tend to
increase tension rather than reduce it.
Because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage, we suggest
that both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment
(_see bibliography_) so that you will know what to expect and won’t
be frightened by the thought of it.
The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking
up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical
examination a week or so before the wedding. She can ask the
physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points
that trouble her. He can describe for her the sensations she can
expect to experience during the physical intimacy. At the time
of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of
immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become
stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to
eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see
if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged
couples want to know about contraception, and the average young
doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such
information.
Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception
before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have
strong--and dangerous--differences of opinion about it. The problem
of whether to have or not to have children, and when to have children,
should definitely not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are
now in agreement on that. For those couples whose religion forbids
contraceptive devices, the rhythm method can be followed, although
this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them
to use other methods.
Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her
hymen, which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches
across the entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of
the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since
it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl’s knowledge or
through medical examinations.) If it is so thick that discomfort
may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents
intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment.
All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is
not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and
that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to
work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all
sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled.
There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a
man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man
slights phases one and three.
The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress
each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a
merging of their bodies. This first phase should not be hurried.
It is especially important that the husband remember this
because a woman’s passion arouses much more slowly than a man’s,
particularly during the first few years of married life. By
allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize
their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an
indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive
to further advances.
Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this
should be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the
tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband
should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much
he loves her, how wonderful he thinks she is, how much delight
she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful
about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to the other
that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do
so. It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that
husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the
exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can
bring them.
In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and
fatigue, will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average
couple, after some experience, find that actual intercourse usually
lasts about five to ten minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or
fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm. Some men,
perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold back ejaculation for more
than two or three minutes. All couples can bring their orgasms
closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves
to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm
simultaneously.
Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal
fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of
the muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling
of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure.
Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is
a sort of postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives
exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing.
Further, in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her
husband and to be told that he loves her. She wants to be made to
feel that he loves her for what she is, all the qualities that
she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for
the sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the
husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this.
If his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach
orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for
her as possible by being tender and romantic. Without realizing
what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the
pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that
comes afterward.
Most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of
marriage and so should not be distressed if they do not experience
it on the wedding night. In Terman’s study of several hundred
wives, less than twenty-five per cent stated they had orgasm
at first intercourse. Another twenty-five per cent said they
experienced it within a few days or weeks. Another twenty-five per
cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the
first month of marriage and the twelfth month. And the remaining
wives said they had either never experienced it or did not
experience it until one or more years after marriage.
In scoring these same women on their marriage happiness, Terman
found that those women who did not experience orgasm within the
first year were significantly less happy in marriage than those who
had been able to achieve it within the first year. More than half
of the happiest husbands and wives seemed to be those in marriages
where the wife had orgasm within the first few months of marriage.
It should be remembered however that the presence or absence
of orgasm is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness
or unhappiness. While absence of it is clearly an obstacle for
many couples it is not a major cause of unhappiness in marriage,
providing that it does occur within the first year. The happiest
couples seem to be those where there is complete or fairly complete
tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an orgasm
occurs or not.
What are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned?
Terman found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently
about such things as these:
Wife shows too little enthusiasm.
Wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it.
Wife desires intercourse too rarely.
Wife not physiologically ready for intercourse.
Wife has too little regard for the husband’s satisfaction.
Wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration.
It was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as
these:
Husband has orgasm too quickly.
Husband desires intercourse too frequently (or too rarely).
Husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax.
Husband shows too little enthusiasm.
Husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary
phase.
Husband expresses too little tenderness.
If you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage
you might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful
to each other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are
considerate of each other’s needs. The Marriage Counseling Service
at Penn State has not found a single case of separation or divorce
among couples who have achieved and maintained sexual harmony since
the early weeks of their marriage.
_Chapter XX_
Getting Off to a Good Start
Marriage is a plunge, no matter how carefully it is planned. The
man takes on the responsibility of supporting someone besides
himself for the rest of his life. The girl gives up her name, her
independence of action, and usually her career. Both mates must
adjust themselves to an entirely new existence.
The pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest
of your married life usually sets during the first few months.
Every day you will take first steps. And those steps are important.
You start living together, planning together and sleeping together.
At a hundred points you can make missteps that will leave scars on
your relationship long after the original incidents are forgotten.
That’s why the first few months are so important.
For a girl, the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day
she will experience in her life. Because of this the groom should
hesitate before he discourages a church wedding or suggests that
they be married by some roadside justice of the peace. While being
married in the church is not necessary for marriage happiness, it
has been found that those couples who are serious-minded are more
likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is under the auspices
of the church. Then it is planned, it is dignified, and the
vows--which seem to take on added meaning in a church--are uttered
before friends and relatives.
The bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the
wedding. In doing this she should try to set the date so that it
will follow a few days after the menstrual period has ended. She
does that not only because of anticipated physical intimacies, but
because the menstrual period frequently makes a girl irritable and
depressed--hardly the best mood for a honeymoon.