community where you will live and is seen very little there, he
will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct. To put
it in sociological terms, he will not be under close “community
scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of
heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the man whose job
does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the latter are
teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men
all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members
of the community and thus are more concerned about “keeping up
appearances.” Other things being equal, the greater the degree of
social control exerted, the greater the happiness of the marriage.
If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny,
she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her
husband at many public places, encouraging him to join with her
in participating in many community activities, by introducing her
husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of
work he does.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO WORKS AT ABNORMAL HOURS. During the war we came to
hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are
millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen, newspapermen
working on morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc.
They can make it difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a
mother, to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours
of work. This is destructive to happiness because husband and wife
have too little opportunity to be with each other. Furthermore not
many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without
becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal
opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates
that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be
associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit
working during the daylight hours.
In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of
divorce within four months after the husband took a night job. He
had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations
and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night
lunchroom where he ate. Happily the wife kept her senses and
instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement
of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy and made
a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She
rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their
father an hour every day, she began paying more attention to her
own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep
at the same time her husband did two days a week. Soon the husband
lost interest in the other woman.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHOSE INCOME IS IRREGULAR. This includes all salesmen
working on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners,
seasonal workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers,
architects, etc. One fact that has been noticed repeatedly in
marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable
influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently couples having
regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and
savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at
another, and are better able to work out long-term financial plans.
At any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the
income is regular. To live happily with a man with a fluctuating
income the mates need to show the wisdom of the Biblical Joseph,
by saving during fat months for lean months, and by keeping an
unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they can save up a real
backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies
of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average
couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as
a real one.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHOSE WORK IS DIRTY OR NERVE-RACKING. We know a farmer who
says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t
touch them and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on
dress shoes. Such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable
mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s, or a coal miner’s occupation. And
perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he can be persuaded to change
to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work.
Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting.
This includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers,
pilots, etc. The jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted
and highly irritable. The wife of such a man will find herself
involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes
the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that
he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she
disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO FEELS INSECURE IN HIS JOB. Job security, like
regularity of income, is an important factor in marriage happiness.
A number of studies have shown that the most contented and
satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job. The assurance
of permanence enables the man to be serene. When a man feels
insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently,
hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only
jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems
for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems.
Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over
where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of
public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his
wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider.
Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate
after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of
unemployment which placed great strains upon family living.
If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared
to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not
throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job.
She can even encourage, and sympathetically help him get some
specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which
offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at night or by
correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to improve
their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire
them to become more competent.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO IS NOT PROUD OF HIS JOB. Social prestige of an
occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great
deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work
out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved
and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or
bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the
children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved.
If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her
man is performing an essential function in the community. Further,
she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily
together, if they are active in church and community affairs and
lead respected lives, they will be accepted for what they are
and not for what the man’s occupation happens to be. One of the
happiest, most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a
New England town.
We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not
necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should
realize the problems that may be involved.
_Chapter XVII_
The Veteran as a Mate
Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of
World War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans
will marry by then. During these years our marriage rate is
expected to be the highest in our history.
For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any
special problem of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do.
It is true that war changes men, but it also changes the girls who
stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay
at home. There is no need to discuss the question, “Should a girl
marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry veterans anyhow,
and there is no reason why they should hesitate.
But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that
occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl
can understand each other better.
In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when
he went away. He may have acquired some good habits in the
Army: getting up on time, taking care of personal belongings,
orderliness. His horizon may have broadened and he may have
learned to be more tolerant. He probably has matured beyond his
chronological age. He has learned a great deal about loyalty to a
cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make him a
better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence
from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic.
Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate
the value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything
to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a
family. He has had enough running around and being at loose ends.
The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may
seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards.
He worries a great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of
himself in some civilian situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war
correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote:
Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into
warriors and remain the same people. Even if they were
away from you under normal circumstances ... they would
not come home just as you knew them.... They are bound to
be different people from those you sent away.... They are
rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has
changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss
women.... They expressed longings.... Their whole conduct
show their need for female companionship.... Money value
means nothing to them.... A man learns to get what he needs
by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only way to
acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed
light. We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two
when things get back to normal.
The standards of fighting men are those of men living without
women, of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal
living. If they hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good
killers. Some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap
women they have known. Others are shy and withdrawn because they
have had long periods of isolation away from women.
As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious
conflicts involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties
to others, “debt” the government owes them, opportunities they
have missed, war injuries or handicaps they incurred. They are
bothered about whether to return to school ... whether to go back
to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in the Army. Some
have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a
strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army
or Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and
the initiative. They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned
to regard “goldbricking” (evading hard work) as a virtue. But in
civilian life, ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues.
In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job
of deciding what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven
per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule
with or without government aid. Another twenty-eight per cent said
they would go back to school if government aid was provided. That
makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school. (But many of
them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to return were under
twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to their old
job or to a new job in their same community.
The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go
back to school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can
go into a job for the first time; he can select a new field of
work. Most of them want a vacation, a wife, and a job, though not
necessarily in that order.
Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have
never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job?
Will my old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men
who are being released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry
me? Was she loyal to me while I was gone?
If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a
veteran, here are thoughts you might keep in mind.
--You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like
one. Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the
adjustment to civilian life within a few months.
--Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own--they will only
upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or
future happiness.
--Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and
in detail. This will help both of you be sure of the
responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both
of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the
future.
--If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church
with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless
he is terribly opposed, don’t be contented with less than a
church or home wedding with the friends and families of both
present. Studies have shown that marriages that took place
within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than
those that do not.
--In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t
tell him what to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed,
encourage him to wait on you, make him feel useful.
If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you
are going to find your girls different from when you left. And
it won’t be all aging. They have been working in greater numbers
than ever before and on the surface are more independent. In
spite of this, remember that girls want to be treated gently and
considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet music, they
want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-night
kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay.
You must not forget that you have been away a long time. You may
find your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and
sentimental, still wanting to be made love to, still wanting
to marry and make homes and have your children. Don’t let the
inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such an attitude would keep you
from finding the mate with whom you can be happy.
Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the
surplus of women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t
have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the
girls do. But will you pick your own mate? Probably not. It has
been said: “A man rushes after a woman until she catches him.”
Actually, picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process; both of you
pick each other. It is a complicated process and probably neither
of you knows quite what is going on. Part of the time one of you
may be more aware of what is going on than the other; part of the
time neither of you is sure.
What kind of a mate should you look for? These things have been
covered in detail in previous chapters. However here are a few
thoughts that take on particular pertinence when applied to
veterans. Ask yourself:
Will she make me a good wife? Can she cook, sew, run a home?
Is she the sort of girl I would like to have as a mother of my
children? Will she wear well? Don’t pick her just because she is
glamorous because glamour and good looks are largely cosmetic
processes anyway. Is she selfish or is she considerate of me and my
well-being? What are her good traits? What are her poor traits?
Don’t marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own
unless she is opposite only in good traits which you lack. For
example, if your own parents were unhappily married, pick a girl
whose parents were happily married. If you feel unsure of yourself,
pick a reliant, confident girl. If you are quite irritable, be sure
to get a mate who is definitely tranquil.
What about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the
war? Should a girl shun a man who has a war injury?
In World War II, which lasted some forty-four months, casualties
of one sort or another exceeded one million men, with nearly three
hundred thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans
losing an arm or leg or more members of his body.
To learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men, the
senior author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry
veterans with any of thirty-three different types of war injuries.
The injuries included such things as loss of speech, loss of two
eyes, complete deafness, recurrent malaria, loss of hair and
eyebrows due to burns, several fingers missing, injuries to head
including replaced nose, ear, teeth and jaw. Many of the girls
queried were engaged to servicemen.
It was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater
willingness to marry injured men than the younger girls. This may
be due to the fact that the older girls are more concerned about
their chances of marrying. Also, engaged girls showed a greater
willingness than unengaged girls. The reason for this may be that
engaged girls know the capabilities of their fiancés and can see
how their men could be successful at a job and marriage in spite of
an injury.
Of the thirty-three injuries, only four were checked by the
majority of engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to
withdraw from their engagements. Those four, in order were:
Impotence
Loss of both arms in such a way that they can’t be replaced with
artificial arms
Mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several
months or longer
Loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable.
While, as you notice, these fiancées felt extremely reluctant
to marry a man who had lost his sexual potency, only a small
proportion (16%) would refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become
sterile. Inasmuch as most of the engaged girls would not marry a
man who had become sexually impotent it is clearly evident that
sexual activity is regarded in a far different light than having
children. Most of the girls would marry if they could have sex even
though there were no possibility of conceiving children.
When the unengaged girls were queried, eight injuries were listed
by the majority, including the four mentioned by the engaged girls.
The additional four were:
Loss of speech
Loss of one leg and one arm, when neither is replaceable
General permanent bad health
Mental instability that requires no institutionalizing.
It was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority
opposing blindness. Also, note that these girls listed loss of
limbs only where they were not replaceable. Most girls professed
willingness to marry men if their lost limbs could be replaced
by artificial ones. All of the girls seem to have been deeply
impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured. Many
had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost
their fears about marrying men with such injuries.
Probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing
impairments. But with hearing aids or lip-reading, most of these
men can be fairly normal within a few months.
Even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man, much
of impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable.
Furthermore the newer sex hormones science has discovered are
wonder workers.
Here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in
marriages involving injured men:
--No girl should marry a veteran because of pity. It should
be for love.
--No veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has
a defect, providing the two love each other, one of them
(preferably he) can make a living, and providing they have
discussed the handicap and both understand its nature and
limitations.
--They should give themselves a waiting period, just as any
other two people who have been separated should do, for say
six months before marrying.
--Remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect
physically. Under usual conditions, eighteen per cent of our
working population has a definite physical defect or chronic
disease. Of our war handicapped, it is believed that some
eighty per cent can be placed, by careful selection of jobs,
in work where they can be happy and just as productive in
that particular job as they would be without the handicap.
Another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation
before such placement can be made. Another five per cent will
need extensive rehabilitation and even then will have to be
placed in “sheltered” work.
What about the psychological casualties of war? Here we do have
a real problem. Before the end of the war a third of the Army’s
discharges were psychoneurotic cases of one form or another. But
you should also remember that about one-sixth of the men rejected
by the draft, the 4-_F_’s, were rejected for neuropsychiatric
reasons. The fact is that close to one-fourth of all the single men
in this country are maladjusted to some extent. This helps explain
the terrific rise in the rate of divorce.
Psychoneurosis is a broad term covering “combat fatigue,” “war
nerves,” ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances. In World
War I it was misleadingly referred to as “shell shock.” Don’t
feel there is something lacking in a veteran who suffered a
psychological breakdown because the facts show that unskilled
“bad eggs” are less likely to break down than the men who had
good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and
were exemplary in their military conduct. Some of the factors
producing breakdown in war service were long-continued tension,
repeated expectancy of injury or death, terrifying experiences,
loss of comrades in war from battle, excessive physical fatigue,
insufficient sleep.
Perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we
explained just how these breakdowns occur. Try to bear in mind
that all of us have a breaking point, which varies from person
to person. This breaking point is a “frustration climax” and is
reached whenever the person has so many frustrations piled on
him that he can no longer endure them. The ability to take it is
frustration tolerance. Any one of us can break if the frustrations
are intense enough and long continued. So when the soldier breaks,
it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can
bear. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden. In
a war the soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death,
and never seeing his loved ones again. But in civilian life, death
does not constantly threaten him and normally he is not so beset by
frustrations.
Immediately after the 1918 Armistice was signed, thousands of
soldiers who seemed to be neurotic, shellshocked, etc., recovered
very quickly. Why? Because their lives were no longer threatened,
they could return home and were relieved from the noise of battle
and the emotional upheavals of seeing comrades shot down.
What does all this tell you? Simply this. When such a veteran comes
home he may seem strange and nervous. He may be cynical about girls
and disgusted with things in general. He may even break out in
tears occasionally and will gripe a great deal. But he usually will
return to normal soon. It may take a month, three months, even six
months. If you are his girl just be patient. Don’t make him talk,
don’t ask him for harrowing details of battle. Encourage him to
get plenty to eat, sleep and rest. Don’t drag him around and show
him off. Give him lots of love and affection. Keep him busy and
occupied when he is in the mood. In short, be natural with him, but
don’t pamper him too much or too long.
As for marriage, there is no reason why he shouldn’t marry. He
will usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn’t exposed
to new, continued frustrations. If he is still unsettled certainly
don’t marry yet because marriage, and the responsibilities marriage
involves, will certainly not help him. The best procedure would be
to wait at least six months and then marry--unless his doctor or
psychologist advises against it.
_Chapter XVIII_
So You Agree to Marry: What Next?