all situations that might produce tension and worry, and especially
the feeling of “hurrying somewhere.”
If you can manage a honeymoon, take it by all means. It doesn’t
need to involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort.
Here are some suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be
helpful:
It should not be spent with friends or relatives.
It should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known.
It is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than
in a bustling metropolis.
It should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend
social functions or to meet definite schedules.
It should be spent where both will be completely free of outside
responsibilities, such as cooking their own food so there will be
no limit on the time they can be together.
It should be spent where there are things to do and activities to
enjoy whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions.
The first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual,
for the typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first
night. If they have discussed their attitudes on sex before the
wedding they have paved the way. Nevertheless many couples feel
self-conscious on their honeymoon night. Perhaps they would be even
more self-conscious if they realized that marriage happiness during
their first few years will depend a great deal on achieving a good
sexual adjustment.
Often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he
finds an errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire.
He may even suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or
twenty minutes, which will give her a chance to be in bed when he
returns. However if she seems eager for him to remain he should
do so because she may be a little fearful of being left alone. In
any case it is important that both respect each other’s privacy
especially carefully during the first few weeks. Marriage, as we
say, is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact
of the transition as much as possible.
If the new husband is ever romantic it should be now! The bride
is probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can
be largely dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and
considerate. This is not only the decent thing to do but is sound
psychology. It will build up in her a feeling of pride in him and a
desire to share with him everything possible.
Actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if
the passions of both are not genuinely aroused. It is important
that both the bride and groom be completely agreeable before the
first intimacy is experienced. If the bride remains apprehensive
about it they should content themselves with milder intimacies and
take up the matter another night. They should not feel there is
some hard-and-fast tradition that they must have an experience that
first night.
If the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one,
both should understand that some pain will be experienced during
the first intercourse and neither may achieve a climax.
Further, both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned,
not inherited. The initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not
too satisfying. It’s not a natural, spontaneous thing, contrary
to the average young person’s notions. It is this misconception
that frightens many brides into frigidity when they find intimacy
doesn’t come naturally to them immediately. Many feel that there
must be something wrong with themselves when they don’t enjoy it
from the start.
But if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few
weeks they should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for
them. And within six months at most, they should have achieved a
grand and satisfying relationship.
If they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement, the
aim of both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction
but to give satisfaction. It is this considerateness that makes the
act sublime and enriching. It welds them into a strong union.
As the honeymoon progresses, something usually happens toward the
end that jolts the couple back to reality. For the first time,
perhaps unconsciously, the groom starts acting like a husband or
the bride like a wife. Usually it is the groom. Perhaps he forgets
to kiss his bride when he leaves her for a few hours. Perhaps she
catches him thinking of something else while she is confiding her
love. Or perhaps he just refuses to get up and look at the gorgeous
sunrise that is thrilling her.
This little “baptism” comes sooner or later and brides should
prepare themselves for it. It signifies that the honeymoon is just
about over and that they are returning to the day-to-day job of
living together as two human beings. The bride may feel let down or
heartsick. She may even cry a little or flare up and upbraid him.
Or worse she may retreat into her shell. If she fails to handle the
incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she may develop
an attitude that will get them off to a bad start.
As they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves
to married life the wife will find that the major burden of the
adjusting falls on her. That is because the woman normally must
rearrange her life, upon marriage, more than the man, despite the
fact that they are partners. For example:
He stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers,
and her friends, to live with him.
He keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his, with a “Mrs.”
in front of it.
He keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an
entirely new occupation--homemaking.
He continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent
upon him even for spending money.
He lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours
in the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning
as a wife.
He continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to
please his boss, whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning
her husband’s approval--approval for the way she cooks, dresses,
runs the home, takes care of the children, if they have them.
Normally the wife spends at least eighty per cent of the husband’s
income on such things as these and naturally is anxious to convince
him she is using his money wisely.
What adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each
other in order to live together happily?
If you were to accept the word of certain newspaper “experts” on
love and marriage, you might get the impression that all the new
husband need do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed, to
pick up his own clothes, and to wash off the bathtub ring. Likewise
it would seem that all the new wife has to do is remove her
lipstick before retiring and avoid talking to him before he has had
his breakfast.
Marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the
essentials of marriage adjustment. Actually the essentials are much
more basic.
For two people to live together successfully as husband and wife
they must be able to understand each other as only true companions
can.
They must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to
coöperate to satisfy them. Perhaps the girl is easily upset
emotionally and needs her husband’s calm disposition to steady her.
Or perhaps he has feelings of inferiority which she can offset by
building up his ego.
And they must be able to face the facts when differences arise (as
over money), and be able to work out amicable solutions together.
Mates who haven’t learned to compromise differences face a stormy
future.
If you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring
or defying you, learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise
and caresses. When the husband does something that displeases a
wife she must never reward him. Likewise, for example, if the wife
wants a new dress which is too expensive and the husband tries to
make it clear to her that he cannot afford it, and she has a temper
tantrum, he should not give in and buy the dress. In this case, the
husband would reward her temper tantrum.
Let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use
a tantrum to get the things she wants from him. She knows he
hates such scenes and will give in. It will be much better
psychologically if the much-desired dress can be given to her as a
reward for something nice she has done.
While a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of
love and for love only, the fact remains that love continues only
if it is nourished. If a husband snarls at his wife, never gives
her a kind word, never rewards her and is always condemning or
punishing her, the day will come when she will absolutely despise
him.
There is such a thing as deathless love, but it exists only when it
has a firm foundation of considerateness between the two.
Another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension
reduction. The husband may come home from the office and lash out
at the wife because supper is a little late. What has happened,
probably, is that he had some disagreeable experience at his
work but had to keep his temper under check there. He comes home
seething and explodes at the first provocation. The young wife
may retreat to her room crying unless she senses the real reason
for his anger. Instead she should recognize that he is tied up
in nervous knots, take his outburst philosophically and try to
reduce the tension by caressing him, by talking cheerfully and
complimenting him on something nice or laudable he has done.
By so doing, she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus
encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male
cronies or to some other woman.
Married couples should also understand the importance of climactic
sexual relations as a means of reducing tension.
Another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is
the use of indirect methods to get what they want. You will have a
happier, more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want
by making suggestions rather than demands. If the lawn needs mowing
just mention how ragged the grass is getting. Usually he will then
mow it on his own initiative.
On the practical side, it is very helpful if the two can work
out some plan for handling the income during the early weeks
of marriage so that they can see just where the money goes. A
simplified but formal budget is helpful here.
Further, it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in
managing the home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly
into the role of being a home-body. A messy home frequently
produces irritations which disrupt cordial relations between the
two mates.
The new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a
pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times. For
example, Monday may be “wash day”; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday
may be “shopping days”; Wednesday may be “ironing day”; Saturday
morning may be baking day. This really amounts to a budget of her
time and her work.
If they are to five happily ever after it is important that the
wife know her husband’s food likes and dislikes. The importance of
food to marriage success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds,
and highly underrated. A large portion of the husbands who take
their troubles to the Penn State marriage clinic disclose sooner
or later that their wives are poor cooks or serve them late,
slapped-together meals.
When a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day’s work,
nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite
dishes of food, expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives.
During the first few weeks of married life the wife should make
an effort to learn something about her husband’s food likes and
dislikes. Some of this should already have been gathered by
observation during courtship and the honeymoon by noting the foods
that he chose in a restaurant.
Simply knowing the husband’s favorite dishes is not enough. The new
husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his
wife, but if the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to
throw some caustic comments.
Soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of
the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other.
They will become more independent of each other unless during
the first few months of marriage they have explored each other’s
interests and found things they can do together.
If he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything
more than the housekeeper, they must establish a sound basis for
companionship. How can this be done? The essentials of human
companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they
are mates or just close friends. Comrades most frequently have
these things in common:
_They enjoy talking to each other._ Mates should not feel they have
completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as
the one person he or she can unburden himself to about anything
that is on his mind. Each can help develop a strong feeling of
“conversational companionship” in their union by being a ready
and sympathetic listener to the thoughts that are uppermost in
the other’s mind. Both should realize that a woman’s interests
naturally are different from a man’s. After their own immediate
preoccupations of the day, a woman’s interests tend more toward
clothes, decorations and amusements whereas the man is more
interested in money, world affairs and sports. A good middle ground
is their mutual interests and hobbies and the activities of their
mutual acquaintances.
_Companions enjoy doing things together._ One of the first things
newly-weds should investigate, if they haven’t already, are the
things they can do peaceably and enjoyably together. Perhaps
both get a great deal of pleasure from listening to early jazz
recordings, or skiing, or merely playing chess or being together
every night and saying very little.
Visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial
and the two wives are fond of each other. One of the sad things
about marriage is that a bride’s best friend marries a man whom her
husband can’t stand; or the man’s old roommate marries a flighty,
affected girl the wife can’t stand. Such antagonisms should be
sensed and the bride and groom should in such cases try to get
together with their old friends on an individual rather than a
family basis.
_Companions respect each other’s opinions and abilities._ The
shrewd wife keeps up with the world so that her husband will
respect her as an individual in her own right. Wives that become
completely dependent on their husbands, and cling to them because
they have no other interest, frequently lose the respect of their
husband.
_It helps if they are seeking a common goal._ One of the very
best ways there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for
companionship is to have common aspirations which both believe in
and talk about enthusiastically.
This means sharing in a long-range project. They map their
plans together and carry them through. They share triumphs and
disappointments. They may build or remodel a home for themselves.
In the process of planning, waiting and dreaming together they
become comrades for life.
While it may be argued that building or buying a home is more
expensive in the long run than renting, nothing gives a couple a
greater feeling of solidarity than home ownership, especially when
they plan together in building, remodeling or furnishing it.
Even saving money can be a common goal that will develop
companionship, especially if the couple are saving the money for
something they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of
vacation trip. In general a young couple earning between eighteen
hundred and three thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at
least five per cent and better still ten per cent of the income. If
they strive for a percentage much higher than that they may find it
entails too great a denial.
Similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy
family. They plan the arrival of their children and, working as a
team, guide the growth and development of each child.
After Thoughts
By now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of
mate you want--and need. We have raised a good many thoughts you
should bear in mind in selecting your mate. It is doubtful that
you--or anyone--will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all
the qualifications we have mentioned in the course of the book as
desirable in mates, but that is not important. What is important
is that your mate should fit into the general pattern of the kind
of person you need, and should be free from the really serious
short-comings we have mentioned.
Perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is
that the person you marry should be one who will give you a _sense
of well-being_. Marriage to this person should end your vague
feelings of restlessness.
We know a young married couple who have “everything.” They live
in a well-to-do suburb, belong to a country club and are not
“tied down” by children. They go to many parties and on week-end
excursions and eat out whenever they feel like it. Yet they go
about their rush of activities with the bored futility of a dog
chasing his own tail.
And we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel
sorry for. They have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin
them to the homestead and make outside social life impossible.
They must fight a constant battle with living costs to get ahead
financially. During most of their free moments they must work about
their house, upholstering furniture, fixing leaking faucets or
hanging storm windows.
Yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage. They have a
sense of purpose in life--a sense of well-being. They are so glad
they are married to each other that they can shrug off the many
irritations that beset them as unimportant. Both of them would
confide to you that marriage is a wonderful, enriching experience.
Appendix A
Books You May Wish to Read
I. ADJUSTMENT OF THE VETERAN (In and after war).
1. ANON., _Psychology for the Fighting Man_. Washington:
Infantry Journal, 1943.
2. BORING, EDWIN G. (editor), _Psychology for the Armed
Services_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.
3. CHILD, IRVIN L., and VAN DE WATER, MARJORIE (editors),
_Psychology for the Returning Serviceman_. Washington:
Infantry Journal, 1945.
4. PRATT, GEORGE K., _Soldier to Civilian_. New York:
Whittlesey House. McGraw-Hill, 1944.
5. REDMOND, CATHERINE, _Handbook for Army Wives and
Mothers_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1944.
6. STEVENSON, ELEANOR, and MARTIN, PETE, _I Knew Your
Soldier_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.
II. BASIC RESEARCH IN MARRIAGE (Technical research studies).
1. BURGESS, E. W., and COTTRELL, L. S., _Predicting Success
or Failure in Marriage_. New York: Prentice-Hall, 1939.
2. DAVIS, KATHARINE B., _Factors in the Sex Life of
Twenty-two Hundred Women_. New York: Harper and
Brothers, 1929.
3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _A Thousand Marriages_.
Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1931.
4. HAMILTON, G. V., _A Research in Marriage_. New York:
Albert and Charles Boni, 1929.
5. TERMAN, LEWIS M., _Psychological Factors in Marital
Happiness_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1938.
III. CONTRACEPTION AND FAMILY SPACING (Birth control).
1. COOPER, JAMES F., _Technique of Contraception_. New York:
Day-Nichols, 1928.
2. DICKINSON, ROBERT L., _Control of Conception_. 2nd
edition. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1938.
3. LATZ, LEO J., _The Rhythm of Sterility and Fertility in
Women_. 5th edition. Chicago: Latz Foundation, 1935.
(Recommended to Catholics.)
4. WELTON, T. S., _Modern Method of Birth Control_. New
York: Walker J. Black, 1935.
IV. FAMILY AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS.
1. BABER, R. E., _Marriage and the Family_. New York:
McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1939.
2. DRUMMOND, LAURA W., _Youth and Instruction in Marriage
and Family Living_. New York: Teachers College,
Columbia University, 1942.
3. GOLDSTEIN, SIDNEY E., _Marriage and Family Counseling_.
New York: McGraw-Hill, 1945.
4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Conserving Marriage and the Family_.
New York: Macmillan, 1944.
5. GROVES, GLADYS HOAGLAND, _Marriage and Family Life_.
New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1942.
6. HILL, REUBEN, and BECKER, HOWARD (editors), _Marriage
and the Family_. Boston: D. C. Heath, 1942.
7. MOWRER, H. R., _Personality Adjustment and Domestic
Discord_. New York: American, 1935.
8. NIMKOFF, M. F., _The Family_. New York: Houghton
Mifflin, 1934.
9. BURGESS, ERNEST W. and LOCKE, HARVEY J., _The Family_.
New York: American Book Company, 1945.
V. GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE (Improving personality).
1. LAIRD, DONALD A., and LAIRD, ELEANOR C., _The Technique
of Handling People_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1943.
2. LOCKHART, EARL G., _Improving Your Personality_.
Chicago: Walton Publishing Co., 1939.
3. MORGAN, JOHN B., and WEBB, EWING T., _Making the Most
of Your Life_. Garden City, 1932.
4. MYERS, GARRY C., _The Modern Parent_. New York:
Greenberg, 1930.
5. NEWTON, ROY, _How to Improve Your Personality_. New
York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
6. WEBB, E. T., and MORGAN, JOHN J. B., _Strategy in
Handling People_. Chicago: Boulton Pierce, 1930.
7. WHITE, WENDELL, _The Psychology of Dealing with
People_. Revised. New York: Macmillan, 1941.
VI. INTERPRETATION OF MARRIAGE STUDIES (Not too technical).
1. HAMILTON, G. V., and MACGOWAN, KENNETH, _What Is Wrong
with Marriage_. New York: Albert and Charles Boni,
Inc., 1929. (This is a popular treatment of HAMILTON’S
_A Research in Marriage_.)
2. HART, HORNELL, and HART, ELLA B., _Personality and the
Family_. New York: D. C. Heath, 1941.
VII. MALADJUSTMENT AND NEUROTICISM (Mental hygiene).
1. CROW, LESTER D., and CROW, ALICE, _Mental Hygiene in
School and Home Life_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. FINK, DAVID H., _Release from Nervous Tension_. New
York: Simon and Schuster, 1943.
3. LOUTTIT, C. M., _Clinical Psychology_. New York: Harper
and Brothers, 1936.
4. SHAFFER, LAURANCE F., _The Psychology of Adjustment_.
New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1936.
5. SOLOMON, HARRY C., and YAKOVLEV, PAUL I. (editors),
_Manual of Military Neuropsychiatry_. Philadelphia:
W. B. Saunders, 1944.
VIII. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE (Easy to read and popular).
1. BOWMAN, HENRY A., _Marriage for Moderns_. New York:
McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. FOLSOM, JOSEPH K., _Plan for Marriage_. New York:
Harper and Brothers, 1938.
3. FOSTER, ROBERT G., _Marriage and Family Relationships_.
New York: Macmillan Company, 1944.
4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Marriage_. New York: Henry Holt,
1941.
5. HIMES, NORMAN E., _Your Marriage_. New York: Farrar
and Rinehart, 1940.
6. JORDAN, HELEN MOUGEY, _You and Marriage_. New York:
John Wiley and Sons, 1942.
7. JUNG, MOSES (editor), _Modern Marriage_. New York:
F. S. Crofts and Co., 1940.
8. NELSON, JANET FOWLER, _Marriages Are Not Made in
Heaven_. New York: Woman’s Press, 1939.
9. POPENOE, PAUL, _Marriage Before and After_. New York:
Wilfred Funk, 1943.
10. POPENOE, PAUL, _Modern Marriage_. New York: The
Macmillan Co., 1940.
11. DUVALL, EVELYN M. and HILL, REUBEN, _When You Marry_.
Boston: D. C. Heath and Company, 1945.
IX. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT (Inception, development, guidance).
1. BUTTERFIELD, OLIVER, _Marriage and Sexual Harmony_. New
York: Emerson Books, 1938.
2. DEUTSCH, HELENE, _The Psychology of Women_. New York:
Grune and Stratton, 1944.
3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _The Single Woman_.
Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1934.
4. HAIRE, NORMAN (editor), _Encyclopedia of Sexual
Knowledge_. New York: Eugenics, 1940.
5. NOVAK, EMIL, _The Woman Asks the Doctor_. Baltimore:
Williams and Wilkins, 1937.
6. STONE, ABRAHAM, and STONE, HANNAH M., _A Marriage
Manual_. Revised edition. New York: Simon and
Schuster, 1939.
7. VAN DE VELDE, T. H., _Ideal Marriage_. New York: Random
House, 1930.
8. WALKER, KENNETH, and STRAUSS, ERIC B., _Sexual
Disorders in the Male_. Baltimore: Williams and
Wilkins, 1941.
9. WRIGHT, HELENA, _Sex Factor in Marriage_. Revised
edition. New York: Vanguard Press, 1937.
X. SEXUAL ANATOMY (Illustrated hand atlas).