Has he been rejected or released from military service
because of outright mental disturbances?
Does his family have a history of insanity?
Is he free from syphilis?
Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain?
Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any
psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental
function?
Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a
legal, competent, conventional manner?
Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in
injuries to others?
Does his family physician question his sanity?
While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered
_yes_ to some of these questions, the odds are against it. You
should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this
past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of
them will be able to settle down within a few months after their
discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE LAW-ABIDING, DOES HE HAVE A RECORD FREE OF CRIMINAL
OFFENSES AND ARE HIS PARENTS LIKEWISE LAW-ABIDING? Many employers,
including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ
a person with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not
easily cured. Certainly three or more convictions for criminal
offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage
happiness. In New York State, four convictions for criminal
offenses automatically result in life imprisonment.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE IN FAIRLY GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH GENERALLY AND FREE FROM
VENEREAL DISEASE? Most of the states have passed laws providing
statutory protection against syphilis. These states contain about
three-fourths of the total population of the country. It is
interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage
blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In these days of the
miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal disease can
be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease
which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone
who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe
burden to any marriage.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE FREE FROM USING DRUGS SUCH AS MORPHINE OR HEROIN OR
MARIJUANA? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious
problem in this country but a great many young people have been
taking to marijuana for quick “jags” under the impression that
such jags are not dangerous. Musicians particularly often use this
drug. But it is a dope just as surely as opium is, its effect can
be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who are unstable
emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with.
* * * * *
IF YOUR MATE DRINKS, IS HE TEMPERATE IN THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC
BEVERAGES? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium
smoker is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable
craving for alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary
feeling of well-being and elation, sometimes called euphoria.
Because it does, people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape
from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the habit of drinking is
built up. The person who marries a mate who is an excessive or
habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for
a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other
abnormal condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands
the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself
that he wants to be cured. But the cure is long and arduous and the
proportion of relapses is still great.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO EARN A LIVING AND DISCHARGE
THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE COMPETENTLY? There is no doubt that
feeble-mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests
usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores
an IQ of seventy or less. (One hundred is average.) Even when
sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does
not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can
rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot
earn a living.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE FAIRLY STABLE, WELL-ADJUSTED AND ABLE TO GET ALONG
WITH PEOPLE? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging
from neurosis through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor
nervous disorder. The psychoneurotic has some ailment--without
organic basis--which may involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps.
Many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually
have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind.
In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen.
A 20-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One
of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like
to dance. He stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk.
She replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up.
The soldier laughed, pushed his crutches under the table, stood up
shakily, clung to a chair, then to the hostess. Getting started
was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly they began to
dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble
with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the
soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left
his crutches as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel
wound he had become convinced he would never walk again. Under the
stimulation of music, and the eagerness of a young girl to dance,
the soldier forgot his crutches. So it goes with psychoneurotics.
They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed, that they cannot
hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate improvement once
the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from
them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological
disturbance throughout their lives.
In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned
about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They
should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely
a product of war-imposed frustrations. But they should be sure
that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with
them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this
country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so grueling in
some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages
of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as
high as forty per cent of all casualties.
A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a
psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate
to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has
pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a
marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE A PERSON WHO HAS NOT BEEN DIVORCED FROM TWO PREVIOUS
MARRIAGES? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard
when he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be
shunned, if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage.
Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known
that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to
seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce
is marriage bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in
marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third. A person with a record
of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously
questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who
had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly would refuse a
loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before.
The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus
one reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple
that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a
divorce, especially if that marriage results in children.
* * * * *
WILL YOU AND YOUR MATE BE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELVES? This
presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the
mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record
that he is capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances,
about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of
her husband. It is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is
the sole support of the family. The best way to demonstrate ability
to earn a living is for one of the mates (again preferably the man)
to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of
gainful employment.
It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash
reserve after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible
pregnancy, the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make
some emergency fund advisable. The Penn State students thought this
saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated
expenses for the first year.
In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we
recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination.
In fact some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just
before they become formally engaged, and the second just before
they marry. It seems to us that if physical factors are found which
might seem undesirable to either member of the couple, or to their
families, it would be best that such conditions be discovered
before the formal engagement, to avoid embarrassment. The second
exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of
many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty
days of the marriage date.
Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough
one, far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical
physician, in order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually
examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal
requirements, which are primarily concerned with freedom from
venereal disease. Here are some things that a comprehensive exam
should cover:
1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the
ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home.
2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the
possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited
defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too
apparent in the person being examined.
3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive
apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible
and that the individual is free from defects that would make
conception impossible or childbirth hazardous. (This would mean
pelvic measurements for the female.) The possibility of sterility
or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might
impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated.
4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal
functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central
nervous system.
5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis,
should be ascertained.
The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity
to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person
may have. At the examination just prior to the wedding, the
physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female
in physical intimacy. There should be an explanation of orgasm, and
if desired, there can be instructions about birth spacing.
Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you
should refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you
go into marriage with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical
defects can be corrected, often even sterility. Much of the
impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than
physical factors.
IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC?
And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you
are too. Answer _yes_ or _no_.
1. Is he or she easily fatigued?
2. Does he or she have many headaches?
3. Does the mate often feel blue?
4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time?
5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely?
6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside?
7. Does he often seem to feel miserable?
8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people?
9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers?
10. Are his feelings easily hurt?
11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against
him?
12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he
is doing?
13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn?
14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels
like giving up?
15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint?
16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back?
17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back?
18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his
life?
19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him?
20. Does he worry about many things?
21. Does he have trouble getting along with people?
22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods
of insomnia or restless sleep?
23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in
life around him?
24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends?
25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar?
An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not
mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern
of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he
answered ten or more with _yes_. He appears to be maladjusted
to life. Ideally every question should be answered _no_. If
you feel you don’t know the person well enough to answer some
of the questions, score only those you are sure of. Then, if
two out of five of your answers are _yes_, it would appear
that the person may be maladjusted. And incidentally, how did
you make out yourself?
_Chapter XVI_
Will a Job Undermine the Marriage?
The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers
at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough
income to support them. Actually, the _type_ of work the groom does
may produce irritations that may ruin the union. Or if the bride
wants to continue her career after marriage, that may cause trouble
if not handled carefully.
Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her
career or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of
course, no final answer. We know of many married couples who have
worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her
career. But we also know that such an arrangement is not normal
and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological
factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery
of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her
properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to
win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking
skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to
a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for
him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the
couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen
specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear
and rear children, and children are another of the big values of
marriage that hold couples together.
Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a
full-time career. There is far more to making a home than the
housekeeping end of it. A homemaker is a physician when the
husband or child is sick; she is an interior decorator; she must
be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an expert on clothing
repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology
of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling
arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will
spend at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be
some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills;
she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric
light cord, put oil on a squeaking hinge.
If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job
as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably
one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers
and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention
and care to the art of homemaking as they once did. Why do married
women work? Here are the main reasons:
--Pure necessity.
--To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra
comforts than the husband’s income alone could afford.
--Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are
bored.
--Because they do not want children.
--Because they want to be independent financially.
--Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework
than to do it themselves.
--Because they want an independent career.
Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women
are those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G.
V. Hamilton, _A Research in Marriage_, only forty-five per cent
of the women working after marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very
satisfactory” marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the
women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage.
Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a
specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually
finds a reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently
she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that
prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit
her to stop working. She continues to work, thereby putting off
having children and perhaps never has them.
But now let’s take up the greater--and less understood--dangers
involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today
think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they
are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job.
For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here
are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940)
on their prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top
and those with the least prestige at the bottom:
1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner)
2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent
3. Lawyer 15. Salesman
4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper
5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist
6. Banker 18. Carpenter
7. Artist or author 19. Barber
8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative
9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith
10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier
11. School teacher 23. Truck driver
12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger
Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of
Chicago, made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings
made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married
couples. On the basis of his findings here is how fifty different
occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness. The
happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom. Here
is the approximate order:
1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen
2. Ministers 27. Garage owners
3. College professors 28. Mail clerks
4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen
5. Engineers 30. Brokers
6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians
7. Chemists 32. Druggists
8. Accountants 33. Clerks
9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc.
10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers
11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers
12. Bankers 37. Farmers
13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen
14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers
15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers
16. Architects 41. Gas station employees
17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers
18. Lawyers 43. Musicians
19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen
20. Contractors 45. Plumbers
21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics
22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters
23. Dentists 48. General mechanics
24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen
25. Small store owners 50. Laborers
One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the
clergy had happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their
friends) only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as
happy or very happy, again as assessed by friends. Only eleven per
cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while
thirty-six of the salesmen were.
Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s
happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require
more schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy
in marriage than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate
very low, coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen,
apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs.
There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational
troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both
the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and
act accordingly trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess
such awareness, they may find it increasingly difficult to find
happiness through marriage. Both will be resentful without knowing
why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of
work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest that they take
the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry the
man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to
remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as
possible despite the job.
With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO TRAVELS A LOT. This includes not only the traveling
salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of
basis in fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers,
professional soldiers, casual laborers, railroad workers, air
pilots. There are also multitudes of others whose work requires
stopovers or prolonged stays away from home. It is the mobility
of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work
in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the
mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when
they are learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when
they aren’t. Such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact
with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is
denied the companionship and daily affection of his family. There
seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are
somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no traveling,
provide happier marriages, other things being equal.
Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to
accompany the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife
may have children, there are many trips on which she can accompany
her husband. In most cases the husband, far from resenting her
presence, welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored
traveling in strange towns.
Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany
her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of
the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work
with. In doing this she serves two purposes: she is better able
to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows
the operation and the people involved. This will encourage him to
unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is
just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them.
The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route
see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily
married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in
his way.
In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely
choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that
the marriage will be hazardous.
* * * * *