closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged
wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters
to marry “up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good
catches.” It is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter
will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage. It also
enhances a family’s social prestige if a daughter can marry “up.”
However when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two
sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by differences
in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added to
this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either
a girl or man marries way above his own economic level. The parents
and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married
for money. That may produce serious tension and create a lasting
in-law problem.
* * * * *
IS THERE A WIDE DIFFERENCE IN AGE? One study has shown that the
least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to
eight years older than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference
in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in
age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on
marriage.
The happiest marriages _for wives_ seem to range from one extreme
where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other
extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband.
The happiest marriages _for husbands_ seem to be those in which
the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the
husband is four years older than the wife. When all the evidence is
analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages _for everybody
concerned_ are those marriages in which the husband and wife are
within one to two years of each other.
* * * * *
ARE THERE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR SOCIAL CULTURE? Here is a girl who
has been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be
waited upon, not to work because she would have servants. Here is a
man brought up in Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother
was hardworking, not only did the housework but occasionally helped
milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband.
With the Southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon
“family,” on social prestige, on doing certain things in certain
precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little of this
formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon
hard work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the
responsibilities of earning a living. Two such widely differing
philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage. The war, with
its tremendous shifts of population, produced a great many of these
interregional marriages. They are certainly not doomed but the
couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of
cultures.
* * * * *
Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should
enter into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there
are serious differences of background, the couple should compare
themselves carefully, see just what the differences are, be
realistic about those differences, ferret out the special problems
that those differences will create (as in the rearing of children),
agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then is
there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is
that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse
to identify them, to admit their existence. They put off facing
them. Then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided
and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes
very difficult.
For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far
better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from
such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are
married.
_Chapter XIV_
Nine Dangerous Characters
There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we
have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and
yet will bring you grief every time in marriage.
In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and
again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable.
We’ll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are
hard to detect, but usually you can spot them if you have had
several months really to know them before you commit yourself to
marriage.
* * * * *
THE JEALOUS MATE. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because
his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been
accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he
has. On the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes
insanely jealous of her husband’s secretary.
We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of
every five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives.
And furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor
in almost half of all divorces. That is not hard to understand
because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to
live with. He or she is usually suspicious, quick-tempered and
disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who is jealous of you.
You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural with him.
When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some
snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at
length to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into
temper outbursts or sink into black moods.
Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn
produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he
fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is
being unfaithful.
Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn
State clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In
real jealousy the mate knows, or suspects correctly, that the other
person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner. In imaginary
jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks
confidence in himself. He would probably be jealous of anyone he
married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is
usually unstable emotionally.
Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew
without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife.
* * * * *
THE MATE WHO WANTS TO IMPROVE YOU. There is sound psychology behind
the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for
better or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted
for what he is with no reservations for the future.
Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner
takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other, that
relationship is sorely disturbed. One starts feeling superior and
the other either inferior or indignant or both.
It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the
glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be
corrected immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they
are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or
her ways.
A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In
fact nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it
invariably produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the
major troublemakers.
If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they
frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable.
Nothing produces greater resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner
can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe
inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity.
Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person
is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather
he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying
to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling
of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage
over the other.
If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or
prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t
you try one of these tacks?
First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your
mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow
more alike every day they are married.
If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather
than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her
husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more
considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But
even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment
will encourage him to be more considerate in the future.
Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste
in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably
infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the
few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards
for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to
make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such
suggestions.
* * * * *
THE “NERVOUS” MATE. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many
husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally
insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific
language, they are maladjusted or neurotic.
Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person.
In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations.
A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the
increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage
impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated.
Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily
married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to
the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps
the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack
has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely
symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They
will appear when he meets any sort of frustration.
If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe
rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else.
They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of
himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an
experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s
difficulties.
Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or
both of the couple are high-strung.
When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him
to talk his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is
a wonderful way to ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its
importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy.
Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue.
Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too
little. If so they should try to modify their routines to get in
more rest, sleep and relaxation.
* * * * *
THE FINANCIAL CRITIC. Money is not the root of all evil, but it
certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All
studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married
couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more
friction than any other one phase of marriage. For example, couples
quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing
of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all
divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their
difficulties.
Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause
the troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple
should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble
almost as much as too little money.
A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or
uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation
may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t
careful. Regularity of income and job security seem to be more
important than the size of the income. Couples who save money are
happier than those who don’t, other things being equal.
Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of
people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone
to carping. Those two types of people are most apt to inspire or
provoke quarrels over money.
The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands
are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their
wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping.
Husbands, interestingly, complain much more about the extravagance
of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands.
* * * * *
THE ALIBI ARTIST. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not
mentally healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional
confusion and mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in
the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an
ingrained habit, he would do well to break off the courtship and
seek a mate elsewhere.
That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of
“little white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established
that such a person is a very bad marriage risk. The individual
usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by
projecting the blame for his failures on other people. Bit by bit
this projection becomes devastating.
Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and
closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the
sane from the insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a
type of insanity.
The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be
predicted, evades his obligations and is generally not dependable.
The test designed to measure this tendency to alibi, which
psychologists call “tendency to rationalize,” has already been
discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct.
The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate
device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure.
Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores
in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory
mates in marriage.
No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of
meals, the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He
doesn’t resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s
constant excuses for failure to show some improvement.
* * * * *
THE ESCAPIST. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier,
but somewhat more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with
his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and
flees from them. This flight may be physical. That is, he may
become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed
all responsibilities for directing his own life. But more often
nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or alcohol.
Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers
are even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not
merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to
shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to
live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania.
So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually
tipples.
The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing
is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the
person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the
maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that
he has found brilliant solutions for them.
The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem
and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it.
Even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the
basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually
very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover
his troubles and help him work out a solution for them.
* * * * *
THE DISORDERLY MATE. To be successful in marriage or almost
anything else in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair
degree of order. You should be wary if you find that a person you
are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or
affairs.
If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider
that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home.
Or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a
tie or with unshined shoes, you can be sure he would be even more
sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband.
Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to
her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his
clothes. Another will not permit her husband to enter the living
room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes, unless there
are guests.
Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are
disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way
around. But when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable
strain is imposed on a marriage.
* * * * *
THE MATE WITH CLINGING RELATIVES. Statistically, in-laws cause
about as much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage
has been marred by them.
In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled
married couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling
Service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We
read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that
her husband’s mother insisted on going along with them on their
honeymoon. She had told her son she needed a vacation and would
like to go with them. Without consulting the bride he agreed. The
bride lamented:
“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with
my bridegroom!”
Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples
and should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly
irritating during the first few months of marriage. Those months
are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making.
It is then that they get fully acquainted, adapt their habits, work
out compromises.
Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he
fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to
close relatives, or if he fails to weigh the chances that these
relatives will ever live with the couple, and the outcome if they
do.
One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s
home cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for
example, is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother
because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman.
The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the
husband’s attentions and--as the husband’s own mother--may become
head of the household.
Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties
than the husband’s father.
It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the
hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up
emotionally and very happily married.
If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the
home, remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements
clear-cut, and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would
if they involved total strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from
them.
* * * * *
THE FLIRT. Whether male or female, the person with the roving,
aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is
a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow, conceited,
inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine love.
He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a
marriage partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his
fundamental characteristics. You will have trouble establishing
a give-and-take relationship with him. Then, when the glamour
of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage
adjustment confront him, he will find this humdrum and start
recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he may be flirting again
and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands. Triangles
are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all
divorces.
ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS?
Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But
there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and
dangerous. Whether real or imaginary, the jealousy puts you
in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than
improve the relationship.
1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No
2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No
3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem
to relish the attention of other men)? Yes No
4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No
5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No
6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you
in public? Yes No
7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of
you are at a party? Yes No
8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your
own sex that you know? Yes No
9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning
from a party? Yes No
10. Has he, or she, learned _not_ to praise other people of
your own sex in front of you? Yes No
11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No
12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No
13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No
14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear
watching? Yes No
15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No
16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue
things about you? Yes No
17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No
18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was
misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know
about it? Yes No
If you answered fourteen or more of these with _yes_ you are
a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you
answered less than four with _yes_ you apparently don’t even
love the person.
_Chapter XV_
People Who Should Not Marry at All
Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has
offered its course on the preparation for marriage, the class has
been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to
have before he should undertake marriage.
It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently
voted for higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the
responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those
qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students:
PERCENTAGE
QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE VOTING FOR THEM
Freedom from venereal disease 100%
Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99%
(If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage)
Freedom from insanity 97%
Freedom from criminality 94%
Freedom from dipsomania 91%
Freedom from drug addiction 85%
Freedom from neuroticism 76%
Proof by groom that he can support bride 69%
(This includes evidence of occupational
proficiency and at least $150 in savings)
Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50%
Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five
per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer,
epilepsy and fatal heart disease, freedom from sterility and from
inherited physical defects. About ninety-seven per cent of the
students thought that both men and women should have premarital
physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease.
We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications
raised by the students. With those as a starting point we have
prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able
to answer _yes_. They are _minimum_ qualifications for marriage.
We feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of
marrying another person if you answer _no_ to even one of the
questions. Here they are:
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE SANE AND FROM A FAMILY IN WHICH NO INSANITY IS
PRESENT? Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily
diagnosed. The borderline between sanity and insanity is no more
distinct than is the line between black and white. All shades of
gray exist. Many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country
and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal
life, at least until they encounter continued frustration which
will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form. Insanity
is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or
pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior.
In a recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental
Hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons
reaching adulthood should be confined. Another four out of
twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped
by milder neurotic disturbances. On the basis of these findings at
least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one
in two is maladjusted to some extent.
If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate,
you might ask yourself these questions: