opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any
girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two
really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough
to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but
the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that
her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good
features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some
of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed,
thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this
world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear
sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.
“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good _first_
impression, and have such attractive personalities that the
impression persists. There you have an important distinction.
“Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention.
There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige
a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked
a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the
attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become
decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or
falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be
symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them
out of your sight fast enough.
What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One
physician has found that the average woman has a height of about
five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For
every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every
inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the
other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches,
or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142
pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about
eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.
Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but
statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two
hundred attains the height of six feet.
Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes
because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of
confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might
be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a
plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made
tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will
remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars.
The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be
out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation
leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather
than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible:
operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad
chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation
may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of
anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery,
orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself
of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly
harmonious features your personality is what counts.
It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John
Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the
top ten ingredients of beauty:
A radiant personality
Integrity of character
Complete self-assurance
Intellectual curiosity
One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two
sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on
the market. Personality can command any price.”
Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is
undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in
competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex
may have developed it because of physical features which prey on
his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past.
He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able
to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire
self-confidence. Here are some:
Starting a savings account
Going to the “right places”
Participating in amateur shows
Dressing as well as you can
Owning a good collection of books or classical records
Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization
Taking part in church activities
Buying property or organizing a business
Becoming a Scout Leader
But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an
inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become
skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter
into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge
or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy,
or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds
up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests
or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn
to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it
instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner.
Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how
to enjoy himself is attractive to other people.
_Chapter IX_
Is the One You Want the One You Need?
The average young person considering his or her prospects of
marriage, we find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate.
But actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting
a mate should realize that three things, not one, ought to be
considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you need. 3. What you can get.
Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only
something you can’t get but also something you have no need for.
What you want may be unattainable in the community in which you
live. For example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though
she lived in a small coal-mining community, she might either have
to modify her standards, move to a different community, or become
an old maid.
Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might
want would be the kind you would need. But it often happens
that a person’s desires are based on frivolous or impractical
considerations; or upon the desire merely to “marry into money.”
During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology
classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of
money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would
be willing to marry. The girls consistently specified more than the
men. The average for the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950.
More than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they
will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five
thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on incomes
which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they
can get.
Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning
at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider
marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows
nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire
someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must
be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is
barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be
a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.”
He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe;
he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a
physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will
put her on an altar and worship her.
Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be
put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or
theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable,
of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her
background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in
marriage.
Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment
rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their
early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the
main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing
looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will
probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential
qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the
total family income and help weather a serious depression.
Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not
necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two
can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or
dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good
looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps
a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities
needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important
qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t
confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a
date may be far removed from what you need in marriage.
Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the
other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his
flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They
cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the
fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that
his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she
could spare herself much heartache.
Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather
remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years
later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result.
In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely
made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they
could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem
quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish
they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have
had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their
error.
We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects
for mates--and they actually favor the idea of marrying--but we
would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are
too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does
not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and
childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a
“dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a
composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to
have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image
does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older.
Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we
idolized in earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those
of a favorite movie star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes
they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older
brother or sister. If you were brought up in a home by an adored
and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may have almost all
the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought up in
a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then
you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you
associate in your mind with your own mother.
People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do
so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want
and what they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs
are identical. Their families and friends may try to show them the
difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see.
Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl
or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate
we need now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one.
Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain
qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable--qualities
such as good health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability,
unselfishness, patience. And there are some traits that are so
fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under
“Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.”
However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering
possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly
near your own age, who has about the same education that you have,
who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that
you do, and who is of the same nationality, race and religion.
Intelligence is important only in a relative sense--relative,
that is, to you. Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded
persons. While geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do
tend to marry highly intelligent people. The average man marries
a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why
many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with
sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance
in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males
tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but
makes them feel they are still more intelligent!
Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which
are so intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a
veteran, a young major. The girl he has long considered proposing
to has everything he wants except beauty. He has gone with her for
four years. He is thirty-one, she is twenty-seven. She is sweet,
understanding, affectionate, is well educated and supporting
herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She is neat
and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him
and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing
he is held back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should
not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him
the rest of his life. One alternative--and we suggested it--was
that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a “charm
school.” Another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes
from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably
have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of
her own age today.
In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to
consider what are the important things to your happiness in life.
_A marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these
basic needs._ These needs--after you have achieved subsistence
through food, shelter and clothing--are primarily psychological.
In considering whether any particular person would be a good
mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the
psychological needs you will want to satisfy:
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE BRING YOU SOCIAL APPROVAL? You will want a mate that
other people will like, that other people will admire and respect.
You thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other
people. Will your friends like him and will the mate’s friends like
you? Will your parents think approvingly of the marriage?
* * * * *
CAN THIS MATE OFFER YOU SECURITY? This desire for security is a
very fundamental one, especially with girls. It is based upon
the bodily need for food, shelter and clothing but is much more
complex. Will this mate be kind and considerate and give you
a feeling of confidence and stability? Will this mate refrain
from gambling, drinking and other things that might imperil the
security of your future home and children? In short, will this mate
bring you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you
steady?
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE HELP YOU GET AHEAD? This involves the desire for
mastery, which is a universal human motive, particularly with men.
It produces the urge to succeed, to excel, to overcome obstacles,
to keep on fighting, to master situations. It is this desire for
mastery that makes a husband take a correspondence course which
may lead to a job promotion. The girl wants a mate who will be
ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show initiative, who
will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to rear
children according to the best principles of child care, and who
will not become easily discouraged or frustrated.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE EMBARRASS YOU BY NONCONFORMITY? The man wants a wife
who will not act unbecomingly in public, who knows how to say and
do the right thing when other people are present, who will conform
to the customs that will cause the neighbors to think well of
her. The girl wants a man who is not discourteous or sloppy, who
will get to work at the time he is supposed to report, who will
not embarrass her in public by doing things that will make them
criticized by others.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU? We all want to be
appreciated, to be approved by our own mate, to be given
spontaneous tokens of affection, to be told that we are loved. It
is tied up with our desire for praise and recognition. The man
wants his wife to cherish him, to build him up, to show him in many
little ways that she loves him, that she is close to him, and that
she needs him. And the wife, perhaps to an even greater degree,
needs to feel she is important to her husband, that he loves her
and shows that love in many little ways.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY? There are many ways you can
detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved
with this particular mate. Beware a person who shows a neurotic
tendency, unconventional behavior, a craving for excitement, an
urge to be constantly on the go. Beware of both the prudes and
of persons who seem preoccupied with sex. Beware of indications
of jealousy and possessiveness. These symptoms suggest that this
person may not be able to find sexual satisfaction in marriage nor
bring it to you.
* * * * *
FINALLY, CAN THIS MATE TALK THINGS OVER WITH YOU? This ability,
in our opinion, is one of the biggest single values in marriage.
Beware of suspiciousness, of demands for explanation, of
resentment, of continual criticism of others. These things suggest
you may be entangled with a nagger and a complainer who will
constantly try to improve you stead of dealing with you as a
partner. You will find it difficult to talk to such a person, to
discuss your mutual problems. Being able to talk things over with
another person without restraint--which psychologists call mutual
psychotherapy--is probably one of the greatest things you can
get out of marriage. If a couple have confidence in each other,
can confide their hopes, and their ambitions, can encourage and
stimulate each other when frustrated, then such a couple can go far
in satisfying the basic needs in their lives.
_Chapter X_
Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage
Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in
their mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should
fill. But we still haven’t discussed the big question. What are the
actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are
to achieve happiness in marriage? What makes a marriage happy or
unhappy?
A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the
past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up
by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest
in marriage. This interest was aroused by the frightening rise in
marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend.
What are the characteristics actually found in happily married
mates and unhappily married mates?
Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out
with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with
both kinds of mates:
HAPPY WIVES UNHAPPY WIVES
Have kindly attitude toward Often have feelings of
others inferiority
Like to help underdogs Tend to be defensive or
Tend to be conventional aggressive
Are coöperative Easily annoyed, irritated
Strong urge to save money Often join clubs only to get
Are optimistic about life an office or recognition
Do not take offense easily in them
Less interested in social activities Extreme in their views
such as dances More likely to be neurotic
Like to teach children Lose tempers easily
Put less importance on clothes Impressed by thrilling
Are systematic homemakers situations
Do less daydreaming Seek spectacular activities
Want to be on the move
Show little interest in
housework
Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them:
HAPPY HUSBANDS UNHAPPY HUSBANDS
Have greater stability Often have feelings of
Are coöperative inferiority
Get along well with business Compensate by browbeating wife
associates and subordinates
Are somewhat extroverted Dislike details
Are more conservative in attitudes More radical about sex
Willing to take initiative morality
Take responsibility easily Inclined to be moody
Do not get rattled easily Are more argumentative
Like recreations that take
them away from home
Apt to be careless about money
Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and
wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily
married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily
married couples voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he
heard most often:
COMPLAINTS FROM HUSBANDS COMPLAINTS FROM WIVES
Wife’s feelings hurt too easily Insufficient income from husband
Wife too critical In-laws
Trouble with in-laws Impatience of husband
Wife nervous or emotional Husband’s poor management of
Income managed poorly income
He has no “freedom” His tendency to be critical
Wife has poor taste in His preferences in amusements
amusements His failure to talk things over
Wife is a nagger His failure to show affection
When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised
a “Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which
an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding
happiness in marriage. This has nothing to do with the other person
involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good
mate for someone. He found what we have already indicated--that
your background largely predetermines your ability to be a
successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in
predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential
to success.
1. Are your parents happily married?
2. Did you have a happy childhood?
3. Were you free from conflict with your mother?
4. Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh?
5. Did you have a strong attachment to your mother?
6. Did you have a strong attachment to your father?
7. Were you free from conflict with your father?
8. Were your parents frank with you about sex?
9. Were you punished infrequently and mildly?
10. Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion?
Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a
considerably better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis
to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be
more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the
individual at the time of marriage.
At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling
service in America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s
prediction scale is used, by special permission of Dr. Terman,
along with the Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory I and other
tests. But the main device the Penn State clinic uses in building
an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a happy marriage
is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product of Penn
State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your
potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of
your possible mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see
if you are compatible.
The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons
who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but
who have markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this
compatibility. It has found that _opposites_ may attract each
other but it is the _likes_ who achieve the happiest marriages
together.
In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested
it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds
of those couples who later married, to find out how well the
predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each
other a year or so as man and wife. (They bore up very well indeed.)
Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for
men to possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes
differ.)