couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap
their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them
again. Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly
and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they “freeze”
when anyone approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to
appear over-anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls
who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness. The
teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve
she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons.
Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted
by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates
are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a
bit haughty.
* * * * *
DO YOU HAVE A “LOW BOILING POINT” EMOTIONALLY? Some of us have
built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with
persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act
rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably
to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily
upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper
outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to
anyone in the opposite sex interested in you.
* * * * *
DO YOU DAYDREAM FREQUENTLY? The daydreaming itself does not annoy
others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your
best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation
of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you
let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement,
your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be
dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful.
* * * * *
DO YOU OFTEN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH? It is bad enough for your
marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you
complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the other
person’s attention even more on your short-comings, but reveal
yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined in
Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering from “a mental disorder
characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s health....”
* * * * *
DO YOU BLAME YOUR TROUBLES AND MISTAKES ON OTHERS? This is one of
the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists
call it the habit of “projection.” You project your failures upon
somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with girls
because his father will not let him have the car. The girl blames
her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the
right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious than first
appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by
such projections, and in the second place the individual who gets
into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses
opportunity for making improvement.
* * * * *
ARE YOU INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT LIKE YOU? Broadmindedness
or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To
be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent
and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on
ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is
all twisted up. One should not confuse broadmindedness with low
standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be tolerant of an
individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded
person tries to live by practical, realistic and decent standards.
You can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an
invariable follower of one political party, but at least you should
keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others.
When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances
who are startled by your narrow views.
* * * * *
ARE YOU ARGUMENTATIVE? Many persons, because of their biases or
prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They
hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own
views. The louder they shout the more persuasive their argument--so
they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the
one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged
in vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and
considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated,
worth-while ideas may be exchanged.
* * * * *
DO YOU BORE PEOPLE BY YOUR TALKING? Do you chatter inanely or
do you annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk
about one’s job without talking “shop.” The important difference
is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will
interest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about
his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head
that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly
so important as being able to talk in a _congenial way_. The
congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are
mutually interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he
is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is
flexible enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker
is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects
that will only bring conflict.
* * * * *
ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or
are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel
yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl
may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by
biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves
as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man
away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her
orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants
is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by her a
few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on
his injured ego.
* * * * *
ARE YOU AGGRESSIVE? A man may offend decent girls by being
aggressively “on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a
“gold-digger,” and scare men away by being both expensive and
inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that
she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to
get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously
proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role
usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs of
aggression by a girl.
* * * * *
ARE YOU REPELLING PHYSICALLY? Most girls like to have a man who is
taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.
Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity
or thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor
coördination, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing,
unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general appearance of being weak and
easily tired detract greatly from one’s personality. Other things
that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance
of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more than
twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height.
In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery,
orthodentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of
most irregular features. And those that can’t be removed can
be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President
Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great
personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas
Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for
his genius.
Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes
on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women
and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to
each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting
from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent
with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances for marrying
the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is in good health, who
is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing clothing
saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid
perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should
be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and
not to mask unpleasant ones.
Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a
person’s chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance.
The trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet
is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces
himself he presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of
inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins.
The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the
eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and
better liked than the individual who does not do these things. The
_restful_ physical position, the alert face and animated expression
convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and
self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.”
Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you
have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting
a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken? It is not easy.
There are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break
a habit. First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not
let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble
walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain
of violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker
the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any
trouble at all, and in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking
a habit is to substitute something in the habit’s place. A person
wants to stop eating sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette
manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a
person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of
a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A substitute for
a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He can
reason:
“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not
to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is
much more important that my nails look acceptable if I am to get
dates. I would rather have dates than bite my fingernails.” Such a
bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you
want to impress.
Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create
than men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a
man, offered after making a study of the habits of women:
--Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.
--Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned
by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and
postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in
public.
--Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses
you; he may feel slighted by inattention.
--Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women--anywhere
but where the nagger is.
--Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most
men resent them in women.
--Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.
--Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another
man.
--Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his
attention.
DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?
Subtract five points for each of the _repelling_ traits you
possess. (Be honest.) And add five points for each of the
_appealing_ traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of
your personality.
REPELLING TRAITS APPEALING TRAITS
1. Jealous Broadminded
2. Irritable Loyal to friends
3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful
4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant
5. Intolerant Considerate
6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate
7. Full of anxieties Optimistic
8. Hot-tempered Good humored
9. Inclined to daydream Tactful
10. Rude Generous
11. Blame others for mishaps Enthusiastic
12. “Go to pieces” when upset Ability to accept criticism
13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes
14. Loud in talking Don’t make excuses
15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately
16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health
17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly
18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice
19. Argumentative Reasonable
20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist
21. Aggressive Neat
22. Uncoöperative Clean
23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English
24. Domineering Good posture and carriage
25. Selfish High ideals
26. Crude Consistently dependable
27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness
28. Gossipy Frankness
29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth
30. Envious of others Unselfish
If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that
you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by
an unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight
of the _repelling_ characteristics (regardless of the number of
_appealing_ traits you checked) you have grounds for concern about
the impression you create. However, if you checked five or less of
the _repelling_ traits and ended with a total positive score of
more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing
personality.
_Chapter VIII_
Attracting the One You Want
Will You marry the _one_ person you have met whom you would like
most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice,
or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on
how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can
be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic
interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the
prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of
a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ...
and that the time is ripe for marriage.
First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man
thinking along those lines:
--She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle,
impersonal way by discussing such things as good food,
comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can
bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he
likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this
in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of
the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are
particularly responsive to such an approach because their
shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them
with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable,
creative life.
--She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which
every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of
the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest
and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she
enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on
dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any
mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps
her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as
friendly, constructive suggestions.
--She makes herself physically appealing.
--She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have,
nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for
always getting into trouble.
--She lets him get the impression that other men are
interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not
interest her nearly as much as this particular man.
--She does not run down other girls.
--She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and
very successful in his work.
--She talks casually about her married friends and gets
across the idea that they are terribly glad they married.
--She strives to make every occasion with this man an
enjoyable one.
--Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes
him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations
which make the man feel good inside for having been with her.
Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good
feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which
proposals germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a
receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
--If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect
the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls
feel inferior about something, usually something about their
appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps
they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or
mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his
most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He
does not need to mention them specifically, but he should
word the compliments in such a way that those features are
obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so
grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she
can just to hear him say such nice things.
--The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should
remember that women inherently are much more sentimental
than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never
would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not
as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more
interested in the _forms_ of courting than in sex expression
itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore
them.
--The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s
feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing
in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living
nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for
real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on
these feelings of insecurity?--by talking to the girl in
detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for
the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse
technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the
things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can
analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about
his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he
will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
--The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit
masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past
few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be
swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.
--He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be
careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness.
Women are more impressed by etiquette than men.
--He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has
about his job or his future generally.
--He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a
marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem
interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive
spirit in their mate-seeking than men.
For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business
of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a
mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but
for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators.
It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the
first letters of the formula’s four key words--Attention, Interest,
Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must
first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a
desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod
that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for
the machine.
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in
winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be
directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that
will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a
desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently,
action (agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s
attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen
than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved
approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives,
friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men
to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the
be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and
community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact
with men.
After winning the person’s attention--whether you are a man or
a girl--the best way to arouse his or her interest is through
conversation--and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole
universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or
she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and
ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear
that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize
the _you_ with such questions as “What do _you_ think about ...”
or “_Your_ idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you
are male or female, learn to be a _good listener_, or rather a
_good interrogator_. Lead the person into topics he or she seems
to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort
change the subject.
Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if
you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops
his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures
he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert
stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would
be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about
the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed
reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly
gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose
attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking
more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps
this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse
in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the
things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure
he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him,
you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is
firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to
the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of
college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned
most often:
GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS
Congeniality Intelligence
Intelligence Beauty of form and figure
Companionship Congenial companionship
“Handsome” form and features Neatness
Wit Appealing dress
Good nature Good sportsmanship
Neatness Modesty
Sincerity Good morals
Dependability Sincerity
Good sportsmanship Wit
Sex appeal Sense of humor
Flexibility Sex appeal
Good morals Honesty
Honesty Truthfulness
Good manners Friendliness
At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were
looking for in their future mate and a quite different list
resulted. They wanted their mate to have:
Honesty Good health
Affection Love for children
Cleanliness Same religion
Sense of humor Neatness
“Good background” Have character
Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind
of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they
want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with
a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and
is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical
appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the
girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that
their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and
thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes
under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About
seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.