probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group--who
have lived at women’s or other colleges--have more inhibitions.
After marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic
sexual experience than girls who only went to high school, because
of these inhibitions. Probably less than one-third of such wives
regularly experience orgasm.
Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years?
There appear to be several major explanations:
--The tensions of two wars and a major depression which
led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to
postponement of gratification. Also during the war many girls
threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give
happiness on a friend’s last furlough.
--Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today
as it was a generation ago.
--We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more
tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer
repressions than in past years.
--The widespread dissemination of birth-control information
and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease
have reduced the penalties of indulgence.
--Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for
a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood
that their parents will find out about them. Boys have access
to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded
spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying
the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps
rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war
took millions of our young people away from their home
communities.
In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the
process of breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where
studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births
was conceived prior to marriage.
While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones
pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more
“grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though
thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as
high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches
the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does
not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because
of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more
sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and
inhibitions about sex than men.
Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are
afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give
kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is
believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get
little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily
to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of
having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The
prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling.
Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers
important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.
Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men
they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider
bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression.
Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a
man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to
a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.
It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck
or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young
people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can
be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete
physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been
advanced in favor of it?
First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist
in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You
will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible
sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view
on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child
is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his
bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many
premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in
under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering
of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is
accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame--as is frequently
the case in premarital affairs--permanent scars are left on the
participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of
what married love would be with a specific individual by petting
and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual
aftermath of shame and guilt.
Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex
relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This
argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are
mature enough physically to marry several years before economic
factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting?
They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love.
This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this
chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in
addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are
virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because
they employ no outlets whatsoever.
On the other side--the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised
before marriage--we have first of all the fact that society
frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread
it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems
it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at
the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of
most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something.
Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be
destructive to the social group that permits it to take place.
Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy
hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there
is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual
basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one
carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were
picked at random--girls who, according to their test scorings,
were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These
girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one
admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or
more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof
that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally.
And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for
marriage.
Finally here are some specific dangers that every person
considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:
--Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.
--If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent
sterility or other injury must not be forgotten.
--The probability that the illicit relationship may become
known to members of your social group, if not to your parents.
--Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual
tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame,
guilt, or remorse.
--Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you
have had sexual relations with another person. It may prey on
his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with
the marriage.
--The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under
conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen
the meaning of the act.
--The risk of venereal disease.
--The possibility--if you are a girl--that the relationship
is exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction
with little regard for the girl or her feelings.
After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we
would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do
have a legitimate function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the
Penn State clinic; she was overwrought. She said her current boy
friend had laid his hand across her breast. Had she been prudish in
becoming upset? She was assured that she hadn’t been. But she was
urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness. Frigidness
can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as
promiscuity.
It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to
desire to caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for
encouraging mating. Without it we would have fewer marriages--and
children. It is harmful only when the attachment between the two
people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage,
or into intercourse without marriage.
Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute
advice before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other.
To them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration.
Everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests
showed them to be well-matched. To deny them such expression of
affection when together would not only frustrate their love but
might even impair their adjustment in marriage.
Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused
with the “exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call
Hale. He said quite casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.”
Investigation showed that was precisely what he did. And while he
was apparently not as irresistible as he implied, he did find some
girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some naïvely fell for
his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved
in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous
girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional
instability which would make them poor marriage prospects. Before
a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her
own mind that it is not the “exploitive” kind.
Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical
contact and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case
of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in
itself but an expression of affection. The important thing is that
sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and
courtship of two people, it should not be the initial basis for
it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel
impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting
is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend
to go. That is the big danger.
Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship
have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each
other that there is a physical and psychological need for
satisfaction. This is why society is more tolerant of petting after
a couple become engaged. It is nature’s preparation for marriage.
The trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the
time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time
they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still
have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans
do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their
twenties. And in our civilization that is proper. But it does
impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait.
From the time they pass out of adolescence young people--especially
men--need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them.
There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of
sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and
mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may
be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with
another person what alternatives are left? There are three major
forms this can take.
--Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men
and produces their nocturnal emissions.
--Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people
think that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce
insanity, that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples, that
it is something disgusting or filthy, that it stunts your
growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is
true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently
said: “Most all psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators
today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon ... indulged
in to some degree by all human beings during the course
of their development.” As we see it, masturbation is a
relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing
feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and
providing of course that it is not done excessively.
--Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it
on a “high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing
and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex.
A young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted
to date at an early age (fifteen is not too young) and
encouraged to bring his date to his home. Sublimation cannot
reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it.
If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural
associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on
sex has been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result.
The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality.
It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now
it is known that the great majority of them, male and female, are
normal in a bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the
result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too
much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other
sex, and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because
he seems namby-pamby or effeminate. While being forced away from
associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood
stream. The boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any
outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he may turn to persons of
his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps through mutual
masturbation and finally through homosexuality.
It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or
boys’ schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One
study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time
in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other
women, even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in
character. There is every reason to believe that more women engage
in homosexual behavior than is true of men. This is understandable
in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women
are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection
between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each
other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about
each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged
in any such behavior.
Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not
provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are:
--_Voyeurism_, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by
curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because
the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself.
--_Fetishism_, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to
objects rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair
curls, wearing apparel. The possession and fondling of such
articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings.
--_Pedophilia_, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps
because it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress
human anatomy.
--_Sadism and masochism._ The first feeling comes from
inflicting pain on another, the second from having pain
inflicted on one’s self. This involves the sensual feeling of
pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned.
But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets
for sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples
rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other
below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent
if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The
excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete
intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.
We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should
go in their petting, but feel that every young person--as a part of
his or her personal philosophy of life--should decide just what his
limits should be. When the limit is set here are some hints on how
to make it stick.
--Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are
genuinely fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting
a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward
for taking her out. And don’t fall into the error of thinking
that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity. It
won’t except with people who would make unstable mates anyway.
--Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the
other sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of
love” that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to
do, the greater the likelihood they will pet. Several college
girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they
are sure there will be something definite to do--go to
the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school
authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are
really doing you a favor.
--Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused
and stop. Again college girls tell us that when they
recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that
they dance, go for a soda or take a walk.
--Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions
to the point where you will go much further than you
intended. That is why some people wisely refrain from
drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date.
ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE?
Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity
of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own
responsiveness.
1. Were you reared in an affectionate family? Yes No
2. Do you become excited at a close football or baseball
match? Yes No
3. Are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic
movie? Yes No
4. When friends are away a week do you feel their absence a
great deal? Yes No
5. Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends? Yes No
6. Does it help you to take your troubles to friends? And
do you want them to bring their troubles to you? Yes No
7. Are you fond of children? Yes No
8. Do you compliment others frequently--and sincerely? Yes No
9. Does it distress you to see someone in pain? Yes No
10. Do you feel you are _actively_ affectionate with the
person of the opposite sex that you like best? Yes No
11. Do you fed you are free from repressions? Yes No
12. When your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt
quickly? Yes No
13. Do you participate in two or three social organizations? Yes No
14. Do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances? Yes No
15. In associating with people of the opposite sex are you
open and natural rather than stand-offish? Yes No
16. Do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually? Yes No
17. Do you like to look after a sick person? Yes No
18. Were your own parents affectionate? Yes No
If you answered _yes_ to fifteen or more of these you are
a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a
satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered
_yes_ to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by
nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of
similar disposition.
_Chapter VII_
Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important
skills you will ever learn--if you do learn it.
If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in
other aspects of your life. Failure to get along with others
is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at
their jobs. Far more people are dropped from their positions or
are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality
inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence.
The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a
good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with
acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage.
Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will
also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in
his social contacts. And whether or not you get along with
people--particularly of the other sex--depends primarily upon the
sort of training you had in childhood. Professor Terman found
that happily married people were people whose own parents had
been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love
and affection for their parents ... were people who had been
punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been
disciplined firmly but not harshly. It is not impossible to replace
bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with
each passing year.
How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to
ask yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the
attitude Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.”
Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and
liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so
long that you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people
you want to know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright
offensive but weaken your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You
Have a Negative or Positive Personality?” may help you in making an
inventory.
If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the
other sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not
ask you out, why don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what
is the explanation? If some people seem merely to tolerate you,
what is the trouble? If you feel you do not have as much influence
in your group as you would like to, what is undermining your
influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of the major
trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply to
you.
* * * * *
DO YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings
which may come from your lack of association--compared to other
persons your own age--with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have
been thrown into a more “sophisticated” group than you were
accustomed to. Another possibility is that you lack the knowledge
to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel clumsy--and must
watch your feet--while dancing. Perhaps you dread the ceremony of
introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved.
Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the
occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or
spoon. Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good
night to a date, or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening.
The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill
at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to
be a better dancer. Take lessons, or simply practice on your
own living-room floor. If it is etiquette that bothers you read
any of a dozen books on the subject, and watch carefully how
others around you behave. One more thing--if you are haunted by
feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively
well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will
bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of
self-consciousness.
General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest
asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the
famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest
thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them
General Eisenhower’s remark.
* * * * *