HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university
near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football
players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education.
HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had
blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to
his successors.
HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name.
Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the
world.
HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see
Napoleon).
HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and
exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the
poem has been parodized.
HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death.
From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter.
HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and
laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned
by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two
pillars, stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter
politics or invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor.
Recreation: Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs:
Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.
HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death
simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American
poet used bad taste in writing the biography of such a man.
HICHENS,(4) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with
belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope
he will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation:
Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the
Publisher. Home: Sicily.
(4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is
compelled to make the biography flattering.
HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain
storm.
HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to
Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great
crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a
lecture.
HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive
literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard
as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but
was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was
then made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he
only told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most complicated
mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled
in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the
hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals
in England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the
great H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time
to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case.
Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the
violin. Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph:
Au Revoir, But.
HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as
a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and
took up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would
sell to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war
correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy.
Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and
school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate.
HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf
which had previously partaken of a relative.
HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and
gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for stories.
HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's
discovery.
HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation
of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to
the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been
made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went
about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of
lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do
things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps
she has resided in your home.
HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and
drank of the Falernian wine.
HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber
without getting stuck in the mud.
HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived.
Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran
long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in
war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature,
finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were
infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made
addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone
wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had
done it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All
countries. Clubs: All open.
HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra
telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was
responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."
HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities,
showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed
up, and moved to the next town.
HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers.
Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few
newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their
color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered
together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details
or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently.
Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and
newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always
Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading
yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote
Is Mightier Than The Pen.