A
ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born
first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education:
Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young
man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative.
Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the
proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of
things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation:
Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of
all exclusive clubs.
(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position
out of respect.
ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with
his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising
business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the
first round.
ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the
pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and
sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married
Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an
affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the
family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs:
Country.
ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the
Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care
of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors
regarding his marriage.
ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but
forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy.
Died before receiving pension.
AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except
that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals
his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle
can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes.
Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Zoological Societies.
ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with
which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can
now purchase.
ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for
removing the financial interests of the country from the common people
and placing them in the hands of the few.
ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.
AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year
1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the
Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer.
Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the
U. S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more
poles, a few more books.
ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.
ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the
height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a
quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the
empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.
ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy,
but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by
making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to
Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first
model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a
brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to
give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent.
Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading
politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing
much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists.
Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.
ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not
forget what he saw.
ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband
to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor
terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a
bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October
16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window.
Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.
APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues,
patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in
his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was
the first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument,
but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.
ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows
and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France
J. dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suffragetting.
She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males
about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow,
but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt
up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn
dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette.
ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.
ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and
themselves out of the government jails.
ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a
bad odor attached to it.
ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round
Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is
known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but
without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed
away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was
a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address:
Windsor, Buckingham.
ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his
country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a
favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping
expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names
and property. Also juggled dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George).
Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.
ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses
and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A.,
posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ
as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a
man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however,
must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling,
blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition:
Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and
restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William.
ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited
a huge book which bears his name.
AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for
crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making
speeches, or building triumphant arches or ruins.
B
BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first
appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education:
At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor
sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a
general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an
iron hand--a tear caused a doctor--a smile meant a gold mine. Diet:
Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.
BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and
the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a
young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented
the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became
a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland,
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United
States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France,
and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address:
Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The
Throats Of His Countrymen.
BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.
BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood
and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young.
First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every
path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His
field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as
well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands
he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every
wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every
ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language,
science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans
of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home.
Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany.
BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces
of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the
house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's
golf and writing deep books.
BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be
discussed in respectable company.
BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep.
BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.
BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in
the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John
had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he
is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of
temperance societies.
BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown,
and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some
Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were
Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all
the time.
BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great
friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success.
She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and
to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.
BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold
mine investors and American tourists in Europe.
BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before
Reno was discovered.
BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of
a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made
arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old
maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs.
Dante Had She Wanted To.
BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.
BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance.
Started the saying, "Number, please."
BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be
correct.
BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into
Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.
BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything.
BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth
records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine
her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman
and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European
nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the
United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes,
perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The
fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars
and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone.
BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He
began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of
the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent.
Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young
America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show
market a little too long.
BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made
people laugh.
BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has
ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the
Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work
overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in
Germany.
BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.
BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of
navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel
without being seasick.
BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the
only German general who ever fought France.
BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).
BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old
maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat.
Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is
considered fair.
BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a
battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great
Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises.
The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted
as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter
collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers
and troopesses.
BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).
BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account
and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly
valued.
BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without
being fined or driven out of business.
BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the
cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave.
BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by
springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old.
BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the
Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B.
could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any
writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression.
BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily
understood, and consequently seldom read.
BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his
pantaloons than for his head.
BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.
BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper
and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed
a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the
Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver
speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For
ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed.
Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured
the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of
Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson
to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with
bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner,
a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded
from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.
BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness.
He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man
to lose the keyhole.
BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer.
Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed
several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s
death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and
wore a fascinating wart on his forehead.
BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits
a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born
several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond
of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years,
notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the
paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike,
the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly
social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee
for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates buildings, poses for
stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for
magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English
style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and
never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word
"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but
himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address:
Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See
Emperor William Again.
BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems
about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats--making
poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as
beautiful as his lines declare.
BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the
same size and age for the past eight years.
BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away
from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems.
C
CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great
politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as
the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair
general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book.
Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not
waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by
crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories.
Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote
books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest
senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped
the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over
delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches.
Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome:
Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of
the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi.
CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.
CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of
Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the
chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind
remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired
from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents.
Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty
days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.
CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could
wave at him.
CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a
crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain.
CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco
factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her.
Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the
world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull
fighter after singing her way through five acts.
CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American
who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and
advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three
dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition:
Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a
library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn
the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address:
University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.
CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.
CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor
Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat,
a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his
contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has
lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given
farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and
box-office reputation.
CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful
for a time in the U. S.
CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux).
CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish
politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly
increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust.
Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his
life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York
police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?
CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury,
who had different ideas of taxation.
CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business.
Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined.
Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx.
CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English
language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as
a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A
typewriter and a dictionary.
CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes,
and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native
land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.
CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.
CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.
CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics.
Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.
CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters
in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may
easily be substantiated by millions of children.
CLAUS, Santa, poor father.
CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless
needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love
and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an
adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation:
Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.
CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and
ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and
the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite
reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English
nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland.
Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they
wanted.
COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great
smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.
COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings.
COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in
Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored
to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was
correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own
country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into
equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he
did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck
shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht.
COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were
taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea.
Ambition: An invitation to dinner.
CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and
taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward.
He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced
in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation:
Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More
Majorum.
CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all
history books.
COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender
age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management
of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and
waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An
American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address:
The whole house.
COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and
who took the first Cook's tour around the world.
COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north
pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)
COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel
literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns
and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On
Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first
timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists.
COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save
money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris.
COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building
a reputation.
CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter
of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many
persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white
champion.
CORELLI,(2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love
scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame
and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains
secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only
being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See
book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All
anti-suffragette.
(2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next
edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book
reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was"
class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer.
COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which
did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners.
CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to
see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his
employers.
CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without
trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.
CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish
parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted
in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was
elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two
Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president.
Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York
Democratic.
CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went
about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting
King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a
reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his
round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall.
CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a
sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found
some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an
author.
CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least
once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It
was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs
with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and
women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people
on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several
international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants
gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some
roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he
caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a
house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls.
Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know.
Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights.
CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without
being a suffragette or an actress.
CZAR. See Russia.
D
DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of
remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the
insurance.
DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and
poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang.
Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and
refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That
settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix
with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished.
Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust
while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems,
tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo.
Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.
DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.
DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world
that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave
who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.
DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that
many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the
exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link
missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications:
Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the
currency bill.
DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued
little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)
DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot,
and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and
was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician
to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and
succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king.
Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her
husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol.
Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem.
DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually
toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his
childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face;
wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands.
Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to
some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many
doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues
to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and
prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always
hung out a black cloth wherever he resided.
DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson
on a number of European and American opera expeditions.
DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost
of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U.
S. and with it considerable indigestion.
DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.
DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France.
DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the
state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments;
married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American
voters.
DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her
clothes.
DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal
press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.
DEVIL, see Old Nic.
DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold
day is complete.
DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish
armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars
named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets;
married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants,
and got out of the newspapers.
DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the
chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus.
DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed
from the social functions of a king to assist the government.
Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a
Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A
revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty
years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.
DICE, see Thomas and Harry.
DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger
boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the
lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries.
DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.
DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in
H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles.
Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was
shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His
pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the
U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the
story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep.
Address: Care of biographer.
DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to
find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a
searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes.
Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.
DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run
England.
DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons
who forged his name.
DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats,
shout, and whistle when he rode into town.
DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.
DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world
how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion.
DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square
named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland.
DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing
something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the
world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for
to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and
given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).
DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.
DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being
one of the few innocent men who got into print.
DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on.
DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age
and never recovered, despite the services of specialists.
DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a
charge account.
E
EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive
sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester
and London. Clubs: Camera.
EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions
by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache,
sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.
EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception
of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.
EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise
enough to stop before he got too high.
EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young
man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well
along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with
her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of
queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces
as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years
he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation:
Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor.
ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the
British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches.
ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went
somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver.
ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E.
reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see
Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped
her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better
looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced
into England. Other and less important events of her reign were:
Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not
have any.
ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.
EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy;
a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a
brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi).
EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to
conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical
theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the
taxi.
EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that
pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only
in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot
was named in his honor.
ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food.
ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the
book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward.
EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back
as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance
between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines
always compete.
EVE, see Mrs. Adam.
EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after
the fashion of books.
F
FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his
religion.
FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to
ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.
FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger
days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to
school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never
wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers,
and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The
other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs:
None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried.
FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French
government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast
collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world.
FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.
FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of
French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of
ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful
looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her.
Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London,
and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)
FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his
second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to
fame.
FAWKES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament
without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.
FINN, Huck, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).
FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the
black spot from the ring.
FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.
FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men.
She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever
wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of
note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had
a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York
City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora.
FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a
big sale.
FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman
and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even
as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown.
Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.
FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He
discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics
paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively
than the Continental Congress.
FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.
FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came
around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success,
pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were
down and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a
wise counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby
(see Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At
the other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own.
Clubs: All.
FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only
woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old age.
FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for
the Cunard and White Star lines.
G
GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent
for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians
claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the
inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation.
GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait
manufacturer.
GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring
the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured
the first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres
and for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were
equipped with pendulums.
GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of
office.
GARDEN,(3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage.
Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was
expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English
and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes
packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants
a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and
suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.
(3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.
GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party.
He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully
Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran
second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and
for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti.
GARRICK, an old English matinee idol.
GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun.
GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally
wounded.
GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general,
and one Walpole in particular, to run England.
GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars.
GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of
William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea.
GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary
Who's Who).
GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered
politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest
member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on
any bill. Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something,
order keeper of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent
position in the Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home
rule millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof
house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House
of Commons. Clubs: Anti-conservative.
GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants
before the market was so wet.
GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts
barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean.
GIRL, The Chorus, Um!
GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model.
GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped
trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home
rule.
GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which
everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it
when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed
compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a
G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police.
Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs:
Always blackballed.
GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book.
GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the
Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.
GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme.
GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round
by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said
nothing like that had ever entered his head.
GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who
adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale.
GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some
awful untruths to the innocent.
GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who
ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen
began shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered
of age. Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the
typewriter. Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some
one did. Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.)
Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially
able. Other times in one of those confounded newspaper offices.
GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government
and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States
accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual
custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to
continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people.
Publications: Much unpatriotic literature.
GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which
is remembered by everybody.
GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never
was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians
claim this was due to his poor salary.
GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from
Land's End.
GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of
decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he was the
first to give it a practical demonstration.
GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted
his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public.
Never lectured.
H
HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he
was abdicated.
HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family.
HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it
homeopathy.
HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.
HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and
a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe
in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading
ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then
usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the
monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized
(see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up
in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but
sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on
the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph:
Everybody Worked But Father.
HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded
the foolish questions.
HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices,
and buildings upon certain communities.
HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few
other airs.