I
IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme
at the ends of the lines.
ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected
water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris.
Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Aero.
IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that
he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the
molestations of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison.
INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach
of authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another
fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way.
INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in
anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed.
INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome.
IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster
Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies.
ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.(5) Spent his childhood
like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians
to have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but
especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years.
(5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his
best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed.
ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes
until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king,
raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes
connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as
Columbus took a more active part.
ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing.
ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's
estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother.
J
JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier.
Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See
Jill.)
JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau.
Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but
never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had
hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his
brethren. (See Joe.)
JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.
JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in
paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the
publisher.
JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected
king of England.
JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.
JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.
JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.
JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and
bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)
JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine.
JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of
the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene
Sue and Lew Wallace.
JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident
occurred.
JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich
men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the
market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The
market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His
camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard
luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it
could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried,
and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York
Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes.
JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of
the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne
made even a colored gentleman a "waser."
JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press
agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote.
JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a
rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam
until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has
it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three
nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable
annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and
thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his
rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition
also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the
harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing.
Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.
JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.
JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture
post-card.
JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only
prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place.
JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man
he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy
work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting
in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the
cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the
Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in
prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A
famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in
provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked
them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.
JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart
which was broken by the ambitions of a man.
JUDAS, suicide.
JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first
name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband,
although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a
few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.
JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love
on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a
splendid sale. (See Romeo.)
JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular
Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants,
disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia.
JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently
erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales
with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other.
Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although
occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.
K
KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German
of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable
comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also
a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's
position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all
royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is
in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes.
His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for
what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored
by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through
Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser.
Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists.
Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army.
KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account
of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding
without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as
gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never
cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made
public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced
what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away
from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.
KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt
commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A
flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What
He Preached.
KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which
several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been
one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.
KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments.
KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.
KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into
Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.
KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub
up.
KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert.
L
LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was
such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery
in Paris was named in his honor.
LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to
place smiles on paper.
LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent.
Ambition: Those old time lovers.
LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together
with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad
attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.
LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow
like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom
Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record
of the ceremony can be found.
LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become
a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions.
Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland.
Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions
of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course.
LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient
whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In
reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas
to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room.
Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby),
helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she
had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most
of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.
(6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy
of the above.
LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.
LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter,
Castor, and Pollux.
LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers
to the king.
LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut.
Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find
another widow.
LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good
song.
LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough
for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine.
Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels.
Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo.
LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and
Poland to the United States.
LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese.
LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with
Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or
the police force. Ambition: That cup.
LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played
the piano.
LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the
sale of this book.
LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself
when the tourist goes down the Rhine.
LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.
LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became
practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth.
LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France.
Put the "is" in Paris.
LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of
cafe's.
LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the
works of his predecessors.
LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his
predecessors.
LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.
LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started
pre-tango dancing.
LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu.
LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into
Paris.
LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the
Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs
worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a
patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris.
LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very
popular.
LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the
discovery of the United States.
LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered.
LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was
a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.
LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon
decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring
her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He
was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon
III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles.
Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address:
Versailles.
LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens
Pompadour and Du-Barry.
LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his
ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot
and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he
ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to
Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of
his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard.
Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head
Which Wore A Crown.
LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to
have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the
world has a word of sympathy.
LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got
back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had
subsided.
LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic,
and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her.
From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an
expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day,
and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas
or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled
occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers.
Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends
who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully
beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed,
permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest,
sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide
world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry
store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs:
None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.
LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.
M
McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.
McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization,
frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's
championship.
MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.
MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy
day.
MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.
MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only
calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the
day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little
bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap.
Ambition: Sand for the older folks.
MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life
into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the
fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press
agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste.
Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards.
Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And
His Kingdom Are Soon Parted.
MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a
city, but not a woman.
MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in
mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.
MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles
and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New
York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris.
MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a
voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on
liners out of the regular tourist season.
MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the
tourist who dwelt within his canals.
MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes
too good.
MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen
without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing
considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the
teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit
animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the
lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published.
MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about
himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation:
Bluebird raising.
MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who
introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he
discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the
sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a
cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by
his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists
were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French
cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear
champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition:
Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and
the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.
MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill
people, and not to financially ruin them.
MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by
those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or
Presbyterians.
MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute
stage.
MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle.
MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his
fate.
MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite.
Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely
distributed, but never admired.
MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and
feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph.
Recreation: Same as the gods. Address: General delivery.
METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.
MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly
made the patron saint of France.
MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).
MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by
everybody and the contents by few.
MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the
price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires.
MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism
into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and
made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This
did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a
hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his
kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the
alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or
Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on
a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran,
a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag.
Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23
Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.
MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not
have to see alone.
MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which
nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test.
MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other
lines had Marconi lived before his time.
MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born
in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's
daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the
manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels
for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued
the king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now
in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars
of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and
refused the passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and
took ship's leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches
to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his
army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the
journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good
business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a
mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he
returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications:
Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation:
Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish
Legation.
MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around
when you hit your finger with the hammer.
MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York
City.
MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The
products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot
afford them. They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time
(see Paris).
(7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated
facts.
MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books,
lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific
men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery
of the north pole.
MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory
that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his
medicine.
MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.
N
NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his
forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started
life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the
dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums
as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry.
Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing
a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young
man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he
went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of
England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him.
He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers
were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He
devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too
cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and
divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried
a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was
cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited
France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he
was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced
him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented
N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living
expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the
sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat.
Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking
along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I
Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few
French People I Did Not Take To War.
NAPOLEON II. Absent.
NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough
on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris
when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But
No Bonaparte.
NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away
into a flower and a tiresome song.
NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who
believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the
time.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell.
NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless,
and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation:
Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht.
NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned
like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in
the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation:
Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.
NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband.
NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it
is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after
it.
NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will
stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails
to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do
something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young
man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest
community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable
opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who
ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and
wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature;
some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands.
Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's,
champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N.
also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.
NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded
without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license.
NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had
considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young
man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the
scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest
floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal
collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the
first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension.
Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger
crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht.
Epitaph: De Profundis.
NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union
weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of
dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.
O
O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin,
raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined
in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early
stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster.
Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color:
Green.
O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged
about.
ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime
to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St.
Patrick.)
ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in
obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several
successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon.
The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died.
O. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian
ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out
of the place without looking around to see what other respectable
people were there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and
rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able
to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day.
OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all
fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that
story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He
Practised, But Not What He Preached.
OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love
with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello
lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged
husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and
made some money out of it.
P
PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long
red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos.
PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by
Poe.
PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a
man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old
masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered
fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite.
Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs:
Musical.
PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in
fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States.
PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government,
starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for
a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She
appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be
terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the
men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry,
although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for
Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications:
From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London.
Care Scotland Yard.
PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things.
PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.
PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife
named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor.
PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster.
Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in
Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland,
a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry.
Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them.
PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage.
PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to
the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris
has been named after him.
PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with
the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the
shamrock into the Emerald Isle.
PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States.
There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set
the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American
police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great
Britain and the United States.
PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph:
Cum Grano Salis.
PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps
the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is
international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.
(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use
soap.
PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole
and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture.
Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a
certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave:
The Cook incident.
PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An
Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow,
old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell.
PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured
his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political
machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn
of plenty.
PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate
making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America.
Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth.
PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper,
and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name.
Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates.
PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father
of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and
made a handsome mummy.
PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit,
endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada
were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To
the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair
lady. Address: Spain.
PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your
hair.
PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of
advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they
read.
PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts
against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors.
PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more
careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands
for many a pretty and poor stenographer.
PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.
PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the
manufacturer of a morning beverage.
PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to
wear your new hat or go to a ball game.
POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills.
POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get
out of this book.