THE TRIAL.
FOR a moment nobody spoke. The Wallypug sat back in a huddled heap in
his chair, looking up into Madame’s face with a scared expression. A.
Fish unconcernedly began to eat some steaming porridge from a plate in
front of him—and I sat still and waited events.
A band of musicians in the gallery at the end of the hall were playing
somewhat discordantly, till Madame turned around and called out in an
angry voice:
“Just stop that noise, will you? I can’t hear myself speak.”
[Illustration: “STOP THAT NOISE!”]
The musicians immediately left off playing with the exception of an
old hippopotamus, playing a brass instrument, who being deaf, and
very near-sighted, had neither heard what had been said nor observed
that the others had stopped. With his eyes fixed on the music stand
in front of him, he kept up a long discordant tootling on his own
account, gravely beating time with his head and one foot.
His Majesty’s Sister-in-Law turned around furiously once or twice, and
then seeing that the creature did not leave off, she threw a teacup at
his head, and followed it up with the sugar basin.
The latter hit him, and hastily dropping his instrument, he looked over
the top of his spectacles in surprise.
Perceiving that the others had left off playing, he apparently realized
what had happened, and meekly murmuring, “I beg your pardon,” he leaned
forward with one foot up to his ear, to hear what was going on.
“I’m waiting to know what you have to say for yourselves,” resumed
Madame, addressing the Wallypug and myself.
“The traid was late, add there was a fog od the lide,” explained A.
Fish, Esq., mendaciously, with his mouth full of hot porridge.
“A likely story!” said the good lady sarcastically. “A very convenient
excuse, I must say; but that train’s been late too many times recently
to suit me. I don’t believe a word of what you are saying.”
“If I might venture a suggestion,” said the Doctor-in-Law, sweetly,
“I would advise that they should all be mulcted in heavy fines, and I
will willingly undertake the collection of the money for a trifling
consideration.”
“It’s too serious a matter for a fine,” said the Madame severely. “What
do you mean by it?” she demanded, glaring at me furiously.
“Well, I’m sure we are all very sorry,” I remarked, “but I really do
not see that being two minutes late for breakfast is such a dreadful
affair after all.”
“Oh! you don’t, don’t you?” said the Sister-in-Law, working herself up
into a terrible state of excitement; “Well, I do, then. Do you suppose
that you are going to do just as you please here? Do you think that I
am going to allow myself to be brow-beaten and imposed upon by a mere
man——”
“Who hasn’t a hat to his back,” interposed the Doctor-in-Law,
spitefully.
“Hold your tongue,” said the Sister-in-Law. “I’m dealing with him now.
Do you suppose,” she went on, “that I am to be openly defied by a
ridiculous Wallypug and a person with a cold in his head?”
“I’b sure I havn’d,” declared A. Fish, Esq., indignantly. “By code’s
beed cured this last bunth or bore.”
“Humph, sounds like it, doesn’t it?” said the lady, tauntingly.
“However, we’ll soon settle this matter. We’ll have a public meeting,
and see who’s to be master, you or I.”
“Hooray, public meeting! Public meeting!” shouted all the creatures
excitedly.
“Yes, and at once,” said the Sister-in-Law impressively, getting up and
leaving the table, regardless of the fact that scarcely anybody had as
yet had any breakfast.
The rest of the creatures followed her out of the room.
When they had quite disappeared and the Wallypug, A. Fish, Esq., and
myself were left alone, I thought that we might as well help ourselves
to some breakfast. So I poured out some of the coffee, which we found
excellent, and had just succeeded in persuading his Majesty to try a
little bread and butter, when some crocodiles appeared at the door and
announced: “You are commanded to attend the trial at once.”
“What trial?” I asked.
“Your own,” was the reply. “You and the Wallypug are to be tried for
‘Contempt of Sister-in-Law,’ and A. Fish, Esq., is subpœnaed as a
witness.”
“Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” said the poor Wallypug, wringing his hands. “I
know what that means. Whatever shall we do?”
“Dever bide, old chap. I do the best I cad to get you off,” said A.
Fish, Esq. “Cub alog, it will odly bake badders worse to delay.”
So we allowed ourselves to be taken in charge by the crocodiles, and
led to the Public Hall, his Majesty and myself being loaded with chains.
We found the Sister-in-Law and the Doctor-in-Law seated at the judges’
bench when we entered. The Sister-in-Law wore a judge’s red robe, and a
long, flowing wig under her usual head-dress, and the Doctor-in-Law was
provided with a slate, pencil, and sponge.
[Illustration: “SILENCE IN COURT!” SCREAMED THE OSTRICH.]
We were conducted to a kind of dock on one side of the bench, and on
the other side appeared what afterwards transpired to be the witness
box. The body of the hall was crowded with animals, craning their necks
to catch a glimpse of us.
“Silence in court,” screamed out a gaily-dressed ostrich, and the trial
began.
“We’ll take the man creature first,” said the Sister-in-Law, regarding
me contemptuously. “Now then, speak up! What have you got to say for
yourself?”
“There appears to be—” I began.
“Silence in court,” shouted the ostrich, who was evidently an official.
“Surely I may be allowed to explain,” I protested.
“Silence in court,” shouted the bird again.
I gave it up and remained silent. “Call the first witness,” remarked
the Sister-in-Law impatiently, and the Turtle, whom I had seen cleaning
the steps in the morning, walked briskly up into the witness-box.
“Well, Turtle, what do you know about this man?” was the first question.
“So please your Importance, I was cleaning my steps very early this
morning, when the prisoner opened the door in a stealthy manner and
crept out very quietly. ‘Ho!’ thinks I, ‘this ’ere man’s up to no
good,’ and so I keeps him in conversation a little while, but his
language—oh!—and what with one thing and another and noticing that he
hadn’t a hat, I told him he had better move on. I saw him walk over to
the rose garden and afterwards join the Wallypug and Mr. Fish. I think
that’s all, except—ahem—that I missed a small piece of soap.”
“Soap?” said the Doctor-in-Law, elevating his eyebrows. “This is
important—er—er—what kind of soap?”
“Yellow,” said the Turtle. “Fourpence a pound.”
“Hum!” said the Doctor-in-Law, “very mysterious, but not at all
surprising from what I know of this person—call the next witness.”
The next witness was the Cockatoo, who scrambled into the box in a
great fluster.
“He’s a story-teller, and a pickpocket, and a backbiter, and a fibber,
and a bottle-washer,” she screamed excitedly, “and a heartless
deceiver, and an organ-grinder, so there!” And she danced out of the
witness-box again excitedly, muttering, “Down with him, down with him,
the wretch,” all the way back to her seat.
“Ah, that will about settle him, I fancy,” remarked the Doctor-in-Law,
putting down some figures on his slate and counting them up.
“What are you doing?” demanded the Sister-in-Law.
“Summing up,” was the reply. “The judges always sum up in England, you
know; that’s thirty-two pounds he owes. Shall I collect it?”
“Wait a minute till I pass the sentence,” said the Sister-in-Law.
“Prisoner at the bar,” she continued, “you have since your arrival here
been given every latitude.”
“And longitude,” interrupted the Doctor-in-Law.
“And have taken advantage of the fact to disobey the laws of the land
in every possible way. You have heard the evidence against you, and I
may say more clear proof could not have been given. It appears that you
are a thoroughly worthless character, and it is with great pleasure I
order you to be imprisoned in the deepest dungeon beneath the castle
moat, and fined thirty-two pounds and costs.”
Then pointing to me tragically, she called out, “Officers! take away
that Bauble!” And I was immediately seized by two of the crocodiles,
preparatory to being taken below.