(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._)
ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction
Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and
Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts
cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery
used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the
Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS
_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very
lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._
_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining
the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching
the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but
may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you
will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened
in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath,
and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a
small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while
the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases
or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the
locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four
different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain
their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not
forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot,
and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and
.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that,
if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will
practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be
thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which,
properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I
think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes
system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500
yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark,
I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him
one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the
heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured
to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head
cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made
myself pretty clear?
_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me?
_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will
find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon.
_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir!
[_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._
ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight)
in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_
Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of
the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the
Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding
that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few
of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided
for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a
Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge
for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of
pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE
_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London
capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on
by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._
_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me!
we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.
(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS!
_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you?
_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir!
_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable
weapon, after all!
_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this!
By Jove! it looks like the last Act!
[_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the
Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write
to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain
falls._
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE
MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"
_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"]
* * * * *