THE REASON WHY
Let us, then, be what we are, and speak what we think, and
in all things
Keep ourselves loyal to truth.'--_Longfellow._
'General Forsyth, may I speak to you for a few minutes?'
It was after breakfast the next morning that I made this request. I
was determined to have the matter settled as soon as possible.
'Certainly,' my guardian said, looking at me in some surprise. 'Come
into the library, for we shall be undisturbed there.'
He led the way, politely handed me a chair, and then stood leaning his
back against the mantel-piece and stroking his moustache, giving me at
the same time a keen glance from under his shaggy eyebrows.
'Well,' he said, 'what is it? Do you want any money?'
'No,' I said a little nervously; 'it is quite another matter;' then
gathering courage, I looked him straight in the face and said, 'General
Forsyth, I think you expect me to go to those theatricals at the
Walkers' next week. I cannot do it.'
'Indeed!' he said lightly, 'is it a question of dress? What is the
difficulty?'
'No, it is not that. I want to tell you now, for I think it may save
difficulties afterwards. I do not wish to lead a gay life: I cannot go
to dances or theatres with an easy conscience. Don't think it a mere
whim or passing fancy; it is a matter of principle with me. I have
given myself to God for His service, and I look at everything in that
light, and from that standpoint.'
General Forsyth looked amused.
'Don't put so much tragedy in your tone, child! Since when have you
taken up these peculiar notions?'
'About two or three months ago,' I replied. 'It has made a great
difference in my life. I thought if I explained my reason to you, you
would not press me to go to things which are thoroughly distasteful to
me.'
'If it is only a couple of months since you formed these views, I think
you will find that time will alter them, Hilda. I should like to state
to you that, according to your father's will, I am to have full control
of your money until you marry, or if that does not occur soon, until
you are thirty years of age. After that you are your own mistress.
Are you aware of this?'
'I did not quite understand it so,' I said, wondering at the turn our
conversation was taking.
'I tell you this because it explains our position towards each other.
So much for the terms of the will. Now for what will touch you closer:
I was with your father when he died in India; he was one of my dearest
friends, as you know, and on his dying bed he made me promise that when
your education was finished I should look after you as one of my own
daughters, see that you were given every advantage due to the position
in society that he meant you to occupy, and in fact be to you what he
would have been had he lived. I know what his views were for you, and
those views I shall conscientiously try to further whilst you are with
me. I shall not countenance for a moment your hiding away from friends
of your parents, and others with whom I wish you to associate. A time
will come when you will thank me for my firmness now, and for refusing
to allow you to sacrifice all your prospects in life to some morbid
fancies that you must have picked up in some Dissenting chapel.'
I was silent for a moment, then I said,--
'I think my father would have wished me to be happy, General Forsyth; I
cannot go against my conscience in this matter, it would make me
wretched. I do feel very grateful to you for giving me a home; but
indeed I would rather go away and earn my own living than lead the life
you have planned out for me.'
'We will not discuss the matter further,' said General Forsyth icily;
'I have told you my wishes on the subject. If I am to treat you as one
of my own daughters, you will accompany them wherever they go. I am
accustomed to be obeyed in my own house, and I do not think you will
deliberately oppose my wishes for you.'
'I am sorry to displease you,' I said in a low voice, 'but in this one
respect I feel I am right in acting so'; and then I left the room with
a heavy heart. I went out into the garden a little later, and made my
way to a quiet spot in a plantation near the house, where I had found a
delightful little nook to sit in, and there I took my Bible and had a
quiet read and prayer. General Forsyth was not in to luncheon, but I
saw from Mrs. Forsyth's face that he had told her of our interview.
She said very little to me, and when the theatricals were mentioned at
the table she changed the subject at once.
In the afternoon I joined Violet and her governess in an expedition to
a wood a little distance off. We took tea with us, and I thoroughly
enjoyed it. Miss Graham was a quiet woman, but very clever, and she
and her pupil were the best of friends.
'I wish you were in the schoolroom with me,' said Violet, as we sat
chatting together in the cool shade under the trees. 'I think we
should have great fun together, and do you know, I heard mother say to
Constance this morning that she wished you were too, for then the
difficulty would be solved. What did she mean?'
I gave an involuntary sigh, and Miss Graham looked at me a little
curiously; then, as Violet started to her feet in pursuit of a
squirrel, she laid her hand gently on my arm.
'You look troubled, Miss Thorn; I am afraid you are one of those who
try to go through life too seriously, isn't it so?'
'I don't think so,' I said with a smile; 'I am a little troubled to-day
because I am vexing both General and Mrs. Forsyth very much, I am
afraid, but I cannot help it.'
'Ah! don't do it, my dear. Take their advice, and trust them about
your life here. They are old, and you are young. I have heard from
Nelly a little about your difficulty, and I am sorry for you, for I
admire your sincerity. Still, we see things differently when we get
older, and you will find that it is always best to give way to others,
and keep your own opinions in the background, especially when you are
young.'
'It isn't my opinions that I want to bring forward,' I said, 'but I am
old enough to be responsible for my actions.'
'There was a time when I had such thoughts,' said Miss Graham; 'when I
was quite a young girl I used to long to join a Sisterhood, and devote
myself to good works for the rest of my life; but I was shown how
visionary and unpractical such ideas were, and after a time I ceased to
entertain them.'
'Why did you want to give yourself up to good works, Miss Graham?' I
asked a little curiously.
She laughed. 'Well, if you really want to know, it was partly because
I had met with a disappointment. Some one I was very fond of--in fact,
to whom I was engaged, left me to marry a girl with money, and I was
for the time disgusted with life. Then I think I did desire to live a
useful life; but now I have realized there are many different ways of
doing that.'
'I don't wonder you changed your mind, if those were your motives for
leaving the world,' I said slowly.
'Why, what other motives would you have? What is yours? Isn't it a
desire to be good and fit yourself for heaven one day?'
'No,' I replied softly; 'it isn't to earn my salvation that I want to
keep clear of the world; it is because I have had that given to me
already, and I want to show my love to the Saviour by my life. I do
love Him, and I am so afraid of a whirl of gaiety spoiling the
communion I have with Him day by day.'
Miss Graham looked at me in astonishment, and was about to speak, when
Violet came back, and we changed the conversation. I do not know how
it was that I spoke so openly to Miss Graham, for I generally found it
very difficult to express my thoughts to any one; but I seemed to have
been led into it, and as we walked back in the cool of the evening I
just put up a prayer that she might be made to see things differently.
I was rather relieved to hear that General and Mrs. Forsyth were dining
out that night. Perhaps their absence accounted for the extra gaiety
of our party; I had never seen Constance and Nelly so full of spirits,
and Kenneth and Captain Gates seemed bent upon having 'a real good time
of it,' as they expressed it. Hugh kept them a little in check at
dinner; but when they joined us in the drawing-room afterwards, I saw
they meant to be as good as their word.
Constance sat down to the piano and began playing some waltzes, and
then Captain Gates sprang up. 'Here, Kenneth, give me a hand; we will
move some of these obstacles, and have a dance.'
In a few minutes, chairs had been piled up one on top of the other in a
corner, tables and couches pushed to the side, and a clear space left
in the middle of the room.
Hugh made his exit in disgust, saying, 'I think it is a romp, not a
dance, that you are wanting!'
And Mr. Stroud, a quiet little man, said protestingly, 'I think you
will find it very warm work in here; would you not rather take a stroll
by the river, Miss Forsyth?'
Constance shook her head, and continued playing, and then, before I
knew where I was, Nelly seized hold of me and, whirling me round,
waltzed away. I could not help enjoying it; I had always loved dancing
at school, so without a thought I gave myself up to it; and when
Captain Gates stopped us, declaring that he would not waltz with
Kenneth, and we must make a speedy exchange, I made no objection. I
danced with him and with Kenneth afterwards, and then took Constance's
place at the piano, to let her have a turn.
When we were all tired out and were resting Kenneth said,--
'I think we are in good form for the Walkers' wind-up now. What do you
think, Miss Thorn? You have changed your mind about going, haven't
you?'
'No,' I said decidedly, 'I am not going.'
'Nonsense!' Nelly exclaimed, 'you are. Mother said this morning that
it was settled, and why on earth do you want to keep away? you dance
like----'
'Like a midsummer elf,' put in Captain Gates; 'I thought you did not
care about dancing. Why, you love it, you know you do!'
I felt my cheeks flush, as I realized how foolish I had been, and then
I said, resolving to be truthful at all events,--
'Well, I thought I did not care for it. I did not know till Nelly
started me off how enjoyable it is still to me. But that does not
alter my decision at all about going to the theatricals next Wednesday.'
'It is those, then, that you dislike, not the dancing?'
I did not answer. Kenneth now spoke from the depth of a large couch
upon which he had thrown himself.
'Now look here, Goody Two-Shoes, just stand up and give us a discourse
on the iniquities of dancing and such like. Here is your opportunity;
five worldlings before you! Shall I ring the bell for Tomkins to fetch
your Bible? I would go myself, only I'm just about done up. You will
want a text. Give us your views; it will be most interesting and
edifying. Who knows? You may so convince us of the awful sin of going
to the Walkers', that we shall all send in an apology for our absence,
and from henceforth do our dancing at home!'
'Joking apart, we should really like to know your reasons for
abstaining from evening parties,' said Captain Gates.
Still I was silent, feeling the difficulty of my position; and then,
after a swift prayer for guidance, I said slowly: 'I don't think any of
you will understand me, and I am very sorry I have been carried away
to-night by the music. It isn't dancing itself that's a sin, and I am
not judging any of you; but I know in my heart that dancing and
theatricals are wrong for me; they are the essentials of worldliness,
those and horse-racing, and card-playing, and other things of the same
sort. I want to keep clear of them all, as I know if I go in for any I
shall be gradually more and more engrossed in them. And the very proof
I have had to-night of how my taste for dancing has not gone, will make
me keep right away from it for the future.'
'But why is it such a sin for you?' asked Nelly wonderingly.
'Because,' I said, feeling the colour rise to my cheeks with the effort
of speaking out,--'because I have given myself, body and soul, to God,
and I want to live only for Him. You asked me for a text--here is the
one that has helped me: "He died for all, that they which live should
not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto Him which died for them
and rose again."'
There was silence, then Constance said with a light laugh: 'To be
consistent, Hilda, you ought to go into a Sisterhood; are you thinking
of doing it?'
'No; why should I? I only tell you this to show you how inconsistent I
should be if I threw myself into the midst of a gay life and thought of
nothing but enjoying myself.'
'Like the rest of us? Give me one of your sort for parading their own
virtues at the expense of their neighbours!' said Kenneth, with a yawn.
'Oh, please don't say that! You made me give my reasons.'
'And so you have drawn out this hard-and-fast line of life for
yourself, and think you will be happy in stifling all your natural
instincts?' asked Captain Gates.
'I am happy--I don't want these things I have something much better!'
Then, warming with my subject, I added impulsively, 'I don't believe
any of you know what it is to realize that religion is not an outward
form, something we hear and read about, but is a reality in one's soul.
It is living instead of merely existing, it is being in touch with
everything beautiful and ennobling, and with a living personal Friend,
whose love is such an utterly different thing from anything else on
earth!'
'I think we have had enough,' Kenneth interrupted in a drawling tone.
'Spare us any more rhapsodies. Can't we have a little music? You
might give us a song, Stroud.'
Mr. Stroud complied with this request at once; he seemed never so happy
as when Constance was playing his accompaniments, and for the next
twenty minutes she and he were singing together. Then Captain Gates
asked me a little hesitatingly if I would play on my violin. I had not
often used it since I had been with the Forsyths, but I had always been
very fond of it, and had played for hours to my old cousin in London.
'I think a violin is rather worldly,' objected Kenneth in his mocking
tone; 'I am sure it is not a fit conclusion to the sermon we have just
been hearing.'
'I don't think it is at all worldly,' I said determinedly, as I moved
across to one of the long French windows and took my violin from the
case; then leaning against the side of the window I looked out into the
soft summer night, and dreamily began to play.
Perhaps it was the absence of General and Mrs. Forsyth that made me
feel more at ease, but instead of playing any of my classical pieces I
drifted into improvising as I went along, and then, as my thoughts took
me far away, I gave myself up to them entirely. 'Dwell deep' was
ringing softly but clearly in my ears. Storms could come and storms
could go, but in all and through all were those two little words of
peace and quiet. And my violin was with me, and understood my mood. I
don't know how long I played, but when I came to myself and
surroundings, soothed and comforted in spirit, I found them all staring
at me in astonishment. I let my bow fall in perfect silence, and
Captain Gates asked with a long-drawn breath, 'What is the name of
that?'
'Dwell deep!' I replied with a full heart; and then putting my violin
by, without another word I left them, and went up to my room. I did
not go down again that night.