It has long been a question, Which of the two sexes is most capable of
friendship? Montague, who is so much celebrated for his knowledge of
human nature, has given it positively against the women; and his opinion
has been generally embraced.
Friendship perhaps, in women, is more rare than among men; but, at the
same time, it must be allowed that where it is found, it is more tender.
Men, in general, have more of the parade than the graces of friendship.
They often wound while they serve; and their warmest sentiments are not
very enlightened, with respect to those minute sentiments which are of
so much value. But women have a refined sensibility, which makes them
see every thing; nothing escapes them. They divine the silent
friendship; they encourage the bashful or timid friendship; they offer
the sweetest consolations to friendship in distress. Furnished with
finer instruments, they treat more delicately a wounded heart. They
compose it, and prevent it from feeling its agonies. They know, above
all, how to give value to a thousand things, which have no value in
themselves.
We ought therefore, perhaps, to desire the friendship of a man upon
great occasions; but, for general happiness, we must prefer the
friendship of a woman.
With regard to female intimacies, it may be taken for granted that there
is no young woman who has not, or wishes not to have, a companion of her
own sex, to whom she may unbosom herself on every occasion. That there
are women capable of friendship with women, few impartial observers will
deny. There have been many evident proofs of it, and those carried as
far as seemed compatible with the imperfections of our common nature. It
is, however, questioned by some; while others believe that it happens
exceedingly seldom. Between married and unmarried women, it no doubt
happens very often; whether it does so between those that are single, is
not so certain. Young men appear more frequently susceptible of a
generous and steady friendship for each other, than females as yet
unconnected; especially, if the latter have, or are supposed to have,
pretensions to beauty, not adjusted by the public.
In the frame and condition of females, however, compared with those of
the other sex, there are some circumstances which may help towards an
apology for this unfavorable feature in their character.
The state of matrimony is necessary to the support, order, and comfort
of society. But it is a state that subjects the women to a great variety
of solicitude and pain. Nothing could carry them through it with any
tolerable satisfaction or spirit, but very strong and almost
unconquerable attachments. To produce these, is it not fit they should
be peculiarly sensible to the attention and regards of the men? Upon the
same ground, does it not seem agreeable to the purposes of Providence,
that the securing of this attention, and these regards, should be a
principal aim? But can such an aim be pursued without frequent
competition? And will not that too readily occasion jealousy, envy, and
all the unamiable effects of mutual _rivalship_? Without the restraints
of superior worth and sentiment, it certainly will. But can these be
ordinarily expected from the prevailing turn of female education; or
from the little pains that women, as well as other human beings,
commonly take to _control_ themselves, and to act nobly? In this _last_
respect, the sexes appear pretty much on the same footing.
This reasoning is not meant to justify the indulgence of those little
and sometimes base passions towards one another, with which females
have been so generally charged. It is only intended to represent such
passions in the first approach; and, while not entertained, as less
criminal than the men are apt to state them; and to prove that, in their
attachments to each other, the latter have not always that merit above
the women, which they are apt to claim. In the mean time, let it be the
business of the ladies, by emulating the gentlemen, where they appear
good-natured and disinterested, to disprove their imputation, and to
show a temper open to _friendship_ as well as to _love_.
To talk much of the latter is natural for both; to talk much of the
former, is considered by the men as one way of doing themselves honor.
Friendship, they well know, is that dignified form, which, in
speculation at least every heart must respect.
But in friendship, as in religion, which on many accounts it resembles,
speculation is often substituted in the place of practice. People fancy
themselves possessed of the thing, and hope that others will fancy so
too, because they are fond of the name, and have learned to talk about
it with plausibility. Such talk indeed imposes, till experience give it
the lie.
To say the truth, there seems in either sex but little of what a fond
imagination, unacquainted with the falsehood of the world, and
warmed by affections which its selfishness has not yet chilled, would
reckon friendship. In theory, the standard is raised too high; we ought
not, however, to wish it much lower. The honest sensibilities of
ingenuous nature should not be checked by the over-cautious maxims of
political prudence. No advantage, obtained by such frigidity, can
compensate for the want of those warm effusions of the heart into the
bosom of a friend, which are doubtless among the most exquisite
pleasures. At the same time, however, it must be owned, that they often
by the inevitable lot of humanity, make way for the bitterest pains
which the breast can experience. Happy beyond the common condition of
her sex, is she who has found a friend indeed; open hearted, yet
discreet; generously fervent, yet steady; thoroughly virtuous, but not
severe; wise, as well as cheerful! Can such a friend be loved too much,
or cherished too tenderly? If to excellence and happiness there be any
one way more compendious than another, next to friendship with the
Supreme Being, it is this.
But when a mixture of minds so beautiful and so sweet takes place, it is
generally, or rather always the result of early prepossession, casual
intercourse, or in short, a combination of such causes as are not to be
brought together by management or design. This noble plant may be
cultivated; but it must grow spontaneously.