Assist me, ye Nine,
While the youth I define,
With whom I in wedlock would class;
And ye blooming fair,
Lend a listening ear,
To approve of the man as you pass.
Not the changeable fry
Who love, nor know why,
But follow bedup'd by their passions:
Such votaries as these
Are like waves of the seas,
And steer'd by their own inclinations.
The hectoring blade
How unfit for the maid,
Where meekness and modesty reigns!
Such a blundering bully
I'll speak against truly,
Whatever I get for my pains.
Not the dogmatic elf,
Whose great all is himself,
Whose alone _ipse dixit_ is law:
What a figure he'll make,
How like Momus he'll speak
With sneering burlesque, a pshaw! pshaw!
Not the covetous wretch
Whose heart's at full stretch
To gain an inordinate treasure;
Him leave with the rest,
And such mortals detest,
Who sacrifice life without measure.
The fluttering fop,
How empty his top!
Nay, but some call him coxcomb, I trow;
But 'tis losing your time,
He's not worth half a rhyme,
Let the fag ends of prose bind his brow.
The guttling sot,
What a conduit his throat!
How beastly and vicious his life!
Where drunkards prevail,
Whole families feel,
Much more an affectionate wife.
One character yet;
I with sorrow repeat,
And O! that the number were less;
'Tis the blasphemous crew:
What a pattern they'll shew
To their hapless and innocent race!
Let wisdom then shine
In the youth that is mine,
Whilst virtue his footsteps impress;
Such I'd choose for my mate,
Whether sooner or late:
Tell me, Ladies, what think you of this?
"The chief point to be regarded," says Lady Pennington in her Advice to
her Daughters, "in the choice of a companion for life, is a really
virtuous principle--an unaffected goodness of heart. Without this, you
will be continually shocked by indecency, and pained by impiety. So
numerous have been the unhappy victims to the ridiculous opinion, _a
reformed libertine makes the best husband_--that, did not experience
daily evince the contrary, one would believe it impossible for a girl
who has a tolerable degree of common understanding, to be made the dupe
of so erroneous a position, which has not the least shadow of reason for
its foundation, and which a small share of observation will prove to be
false in fact. A man who has been conversant with the worst sort of
women, is very apt to contract a bad opinion of, and a contempt for, the
sex in general. Incapable of esteeming any, he is suspicious of all;
jealous without cause, angry without provocation, his own disturbed
imagination is a continued source of ill-humor. To this is frequently
joined a bad habit of body, the natural consequence of an irregular
life, which gives an additional sourness to the temper. What rational
prospect of happiness can there be with such a companion? And, that this
is the general character of those who are called _reformed rakes_,
observation will certify. But, admit there may be some exceptions, it is
a hazard upon which no considerate woman would venture the peace of her
whole life. The vanity of those girls who believe themselves capable of
working miracles of this kind, and who give up their persons to men of
libertine principles, upon the wild expectation of reclaiming them,
justly deserves the disappointment which it will generally meet with;
for, believe me, a wife is, of all persons, the least likely to succeed
in such an attempt. Be it your care to find that virtue in a lover which
you must never hope to form in a husband. Good sense, and good nature,
are almost equally requisite. If the former is wanting, it will be next
to an impossibility for you to esteem the person, of whose behavior you
may have cause to be ashamed. Mutual esteem is as essential to happiness
in the married state, as mutual affection. Without the latter, every day
will bring with it some fresh cause of vexation, until repeated quarrels
produce a coldness, which will settle into an irreconcilable aversion,
and you will become, not only each other's torment, but the object of
contempt to your family, and to your acquaintance.
"This quality of good nature is, of all others, the most difficult to be
ascertained, on account of the general mistake of blending it with
good-humor, as if they were in themselves the same; whereas, in fact, no
two principles of action are more essentially different. But this may
require some explanation. By good nature, I mean that true benevolence,
which partakes in the felicity of every individual within the reach of
its ability, which relieves the distressed, comforts the afflicted,
diffuses blessings, and communicates happiness, far as its sphere of
action can extend; and which, in the private scenes of life, will shine
conspicuous in the dutiful son, in the affectionate husband, the
indulgent father, the faithful friend, and in the compassionate master
both to man and beast. Good humor, on the other hand, is nothing more
than a cheerful, pleasing deportment, arising either from a natural
gaiety of mind, or from an affection of popularity, joined to an
affability of behavior, the result of good breeding, and from a ready
compliance with the taste of every company. This kind of mere good humor
is, by far, the most striking quality. It is frequently mistaken for and
complimented with the superior name of _real good nature_. A man, by
this specious appearance, has often acquired that appellation who, in
all the actions of private life, has been a morose, cruel, revengeful,
sullen, haughty tyrant. Let them put on the cap, whose temples fit the
galling wreath!
"A man of a truly benevolent disposition, and formed to promote the
happiness of all around him, may sometimes, perhaps, from an ill habit
of body, an accidental vexation, or from a commendable openness of
heart, above the meanness of disguise, be guilty of little sallies of
peevishness, or of ill humor, which, carrying the appearance of ill
nature, may be unjustly thought to proceed from it, by persons who are
unacquainted with his true character, and who, take ill humor and ill
nature to be synonymous terms, though in reality they bear not the least
analogy to each other. In order to the forming a right judgment, it is
absolutely necessary to observe this distinction, which will effectually
secure you from the dangerous error of taking the shadow for the
substance, an irretrievable mistake, pregnant with innumerable
consequent evils!
"From what has been said, it plainly appears, that the criterion of this
amiable virtue is not to be taken for the general opinion; mere good
humor being, to all intents and purposes, sufficient in this particular,
to establish the public voice in favor of a man utterly devoid of every
humane and benevolent affection of heart. It is only from the less
conspicuous scenes of life, the more retired sphere of action, from the
artless tenor of domestic conduct, that the real character can, with any
certainty be drawn. These, undisguised, proclaim the man. But, as they
shun the glare of light, nor court the noise of popular applause, they
pass unnoticed, and are seldom known till after an intimate
acquaintance. The best method, therefore, to avoid the deception in this
case, is to lay no stress on outward appearances, which are too often
fallacious, but to take the rule of judging from the simple unpolished
sentiments of those whose dependent connections give them undeniable
certainty; who not only see, but who hourly feel, the good or bad effect
of that disposition, to which they are subjected. By this, I mean, that
if a man is equally respected, esteemed, and beloved by his dependants
and domestics, you may justly conclude, he has that true good nature,
that real benevolence, which delights in communicating felicity, and
enjoys the satisfaction it diffuses. But if by these he is despised and
hated, served merely from a principle of fear, devoid of affection,
which is ever easily discoverable, whatever may be his public character,
however favorable the general opinion, be assured, that his disposition
is such as can never be productive of domestic happiness. I have been
the more particular on this head, as it is one of the most essential
qualifications to be regarded, and of all others the most liable to be
mistaken.
"Never be prevailed with, my dear, to give your hand to a person
defective in these material points. Secure of virtue, of good nature,
and understanding, in a husband, you may be secure of happiness. Without
the two former it is unattainable. Without the latter in a tolerable
degree, it must be very imperfect.
"Remember, however, that infallibility is not the property of man, or
you may entail disappointment on yourself, by expecting what is never to
be found. The best men are sometimes inconsistent with themselves. They
are liable to be hurried, by sudden starts of passion, into expressions
and actions, which their _cooler_ reason will condemn. They may have
some oddities of behavior, and some peculiarities of temper. They may be
subject to accidental ill humor, or to whimsical complaints. Blemishes
of this kind often shade the brightest character; but they are never
destructive of mutual felicity, unless when they are made so by an
improper resentment, or by an ill-judged opposition. When cooled, and in
his usual temper, the man of understanding, if he has been wrong, will
suggest to himself all that could be urged against him. The man of good
nature will, unupbraided, own his error. Immediate contradiction is,
therefore, wholly unserviceable, and highly imprudent; an after
repetition is equally unnecessary and injudicious. Any peculiarities in
the temper or behavior ought to be properly represented in the tenderest
and in the most friendly manner. If the representation of them is made
discreetly, it will generally be well taken. But if they are so habitual
as not easily to be altered, strike not too often upon the unharmonious
string. Rather let them pass unobserved. Such a cheerful compliance will
better cement your union; and they may be made easy to yourself, by
reflecting on the superior good qualities by which these trifling faults
are so greatly overbalanced.
"You must remember, my dear, these rules are laid down on the
supposition of your being united to a person who possesses the three
qualifications for happiness before mentioned. In this case no farther
direction is necessary, but that you strictly perform the duty of a
wife, namely, to love, to honor, and obey. The two first articles are a
tribute so indispensably due to _merit_, that they must be paid by
_inclination_--and they naturally lead to the performance of the last,
which will not only be easy, but a pleasing task, since nothing can ever
be enjoined by such a person that is in itself improper, and a few
things will, that can, with any reason, be disagreeable to you.
"The being united to a man of irreligious principles, makes it
impossible to discharge a great part of the proper duty of a wife. To
name but one instance, obedience will be rendered impracticable, by
frequent injunctions inconsistent with, and contrary to, the higher
obligations of morality. This is not a supposition, but is a certainty
founded upon facts, which I have too often seen and can attest. Where
this happens, the reasons for non-compliance ought to be offered in a
plain, strong, good natured manner. There is at least the chance of
success from being heard. But should those reasons be rejected, or the
hearing them refused, and silence on the subject enjoined, which is most
probable, few people caring to hear what they know to be right, when
they are determined not to be convinced by it--obey the injunction, and
urge not the argument farther. Keep, however, steady to your principles,
and suffer neither persuasion nor threats to prevail on you to act
contrary to them. All commands repugnant to the laws of christianity,
it is your indispensable duty to disobey. All requests that are
inconsistent with prudence, or incompatible with the rank and character
which you ought to maintain in life, it is your interest to refuse. A
compliance with the former would be criminal, a consent to the latter
highly indiscreet; and it might thereby subject you to general censure.
For a man, capable of requiring, from his wife, what he knows to be in
itself wrong, is equally capable of throwing the whole blame of such
misconduct on her, and of afterwards upbraiding her for a behavior, to
which he will, upon the same principle, disown that he has been
accessary. Many similar instances have come within the compass of my own
observation. In things of less material nature, that are neither
criminal in themselves, nor pernicious in their consequences, always
acquiesce, if insisted on, however disagreeable they may be to your own
temper and inclination. Such a compliance will evidently prove that your
refusal, in the other cases, proceeds not from a spirit of
contradiction, but merely from a just regard to that superior duty which
can never be infringed with impunity.
"As the want of understanding is by no art to be concealed, by no
address to be disguised, it might be supposed impossible for a woman of
sense to unite herself to a person whose defect, in this instance, must
render that sort of rational society, which constitutes the chief
happiness of such an union, impossible. Yet here, how often has the
weakness of female judgment been conspicuous! The advantages of great
superiority in rank or fortune have frequently proved so irresistible a
temptation, as, in opinion, to outweigh, not only the folly, but even
the vices of its possessor--a grand mistake, ever tacitly acknowledged
by a subsequent repentance, when the expected pleasures of affluence,
equipage, and all the glittering pageantry, have been experimentally
found insufficient to make amends for the want of that constant
satisfaction which results from the social joy of conversing with a
reasonable friend!
"But however weak this motive must be acknowledged, it is more excusable
than another, which, I fear, has sometimes had an equal influence on the
mind--I mean so great a love of sway, as to induce her to give the
preference to a person of weak intellectuals, in hopes of holding,
uncontrolled, the reins of government. The expectation is, in fact, ill
grounded. Obstinacy and pride are generally the companions of folly. The
silliest people are often the most tenacious of their opinions, and,
consequently, the hardest of all others to be managed. But admit the
contrary, the principle is in itself bad. It tends to invert the order
of nature, and to counteract the design of Providence.
"A woman can never be seen in a more ridiculous light than when she
appears to govern her husband. If, unfortunately, the superiority of
understanding is on her side, the apparent consciousness of that
superiority betrays a weakness, that renders her contemptible in the
sight of every considerate person, and it may, very probably, fix in his
mind a dislike never to be eradicated. In such a case, if it should ever
be your own, remember that some degree of dissimulation is commendable,
so far as to let your husband's defects appear unobserved. When he
judges wrong, never flatly contradict, but lead him insensibly into
another opinion, in so discreet a manner, that it may seem entirely his
own, and let the whole credit of every prudent determination rest on
him, without indulging the foolish vanity of claiming any merit to
yourself. Thus a person of but an indifferent capacity, may be so
assisted, as, in many instances, to shine with borrowed lustre, scarce
distinguishable from the native, and by degrees he may be brought into a
kind of mechanical method of acting properly, in all the common
occurrences of life. Odd as this position may seem, it is founded in
fact. I have seen the method successfully practised by more than one
person, where a weak mind, on the governed side, has been so prudently
set off as to appear the sole director; like the statue of the Delphic
god, which was thought to give forth its own oracles, whilst the humble
priest, who lent his voice, was by the shrine concealed, nor sought a
higher glory than a supposed obedience to the power he would be thought
to serve."