table with lamp down_ R. _Doors_ R. _and_ L. _and_ C. _in flat.
Ladies are all present and are preparing for a meeting of the
Club_. MRS. FRISK _and_ MRS. ALLJOY _down_ C.
MRS. FRISK. Now, Lolly dear, you see us as we are, absolutely
afraid of our teacher, each other, and our own selves. Mrs. Bodkin,
(_addressing_ MRS. B., _who stands near_) do you know I have lost a
whole pound, and I am at least an inch longer in the waist.
MRS. BODKIN. Really? Well, I have found your pound, and am
triumphantly wearing it; and, as for your inch, I have added that to
my chest measure.
MRS. ALLJOY. You have? What is that Mrs. Pallide is saying, “Ma za?”
Is she seeking a rhyme?
MRS. FRISK. (_laughing_) No, that is for exercising the muscles of
the mouth, and so is the sentence she is practicing now, “Most men
want poise and more royal margin.”
MRS. ALLJOY. Do you suppose we really need to exercise the muscles
of our mouths? I fancy our husbands will hardly think so.
MRS. FRISK. Rank treason, my dear! Do they not need to exercise their
biceps?
MRS. ALLJOY. Do look at Miss Doting. Is she invoking Juno?
MRS. FRISK. No, she would never invoke any one but Venus, my dear.
MISS DOTING. (_who has been going through some of the arm movements
most extravagantly, shakes her finger at the three ladies as she
approaches_) Ah, my dears, I see you laughing at me, but as that
dear Emerson says in his ode to “Beauty,” “Unmake me quite, or give
thyself to me.” And, oh! (_clasping her hands in a soulful way_) I do
so long for “Beauty;” not the tender tints of spring, not the rose
flush of June, but the beauty of autumn. Oh, surely, surely I may
consider that I am not too late in seeking that aftermath.
MRS. ALLJOY. Oh, surely, surely not too late, Miss Doting.
MRS. FRISK. You look so well to-day.
MRS. BODKIN. That is a most becoming costume.
MISS DOTING. Oh! do you think so? Pet laughed at me, and though she
is too dear a child to say so, I know she thinks me too old to wear
pink; but, as I said to her, “Beauty is its own excuse for being,”
and the rosy streaks of sunset are as beautifully tender as the
auroral glow of morn. And why may I not be clad like the sunset?
MRS. FRISK. Why, of course you may. (_Aside_) There is no one to
say you may not; but can you, and not look like a guy, that is the
question. (_Aloud_) Speaking of Pet, is Mintra not here? Ah, there
she is.
(MINTRA _enters and_ MRS. ALLJOY _meets her, goes front; other
ladies go through different gestures very awkwardly, laughing
and talking with one another_.)
MRS. ALLJOY. Mintra, dear, I want so much to see you for a moment. I
must enlighten you in a matter upon which I happen to be informed,
and you do not. Old Mr. Fossil is here.
MINTRA. (_starting_) Is he?
MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, and Tom Bestman told my husband--you know what old
friends they are, and you will forgive it, I know--he told my husband
that his uncle was furious with him. Your aunt does not know of your
engagement, does she?
MINTRA. No, indeed; I have told her nothing about it. She has only
seen Tom twice, and doesn’t know he has an uncle. You know mamma
could not have told her, for she did not stop in Philadelphia at all.
MRS. ALLJOY. Well, Tom’s uncle vows he shall never marry any one but
a strong-minded daughter of the soil; at least--not exactly that--but
he advocates only sensible women, as he calls them, and objects in
the most strenuous manner to high heels, small waists, and society
foibles and follies.
MINTRA. Well!
MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all well. You dear, silly little goose (_putting
her arm affectionately around her_), do you know what that means?
Why, it means that your dear Tom is thrown off to shift for himself,
and instead of having a very comfortable berth he will have nothing
at all; and though he is by no means a fool, yet it will be years
before he is in a position to marry, if he doesn’t marry to please
his uncle, and his uncle has conceived a frantic dislike to you.
MINTRA. Me?
MRS. ALLJOY. Yes, “me” (_mimicking her_), and “me” must go to work
and disabuse the old gentleman of his ridiculous ideas.
MINTRA. But how?
MRS. ALLJOY. My dear goosie, you see the means before you. Physical
culture, of course. Send to the city for low-heeled shoes; increase
your waist measure at least four inches; be an enthusiastic walker;
stand up straight; give him the idea that your one aim in life is
to be sensible, that your ideal of perfection is a healthy peasant,
and--well, that is all.
MINTRA. (_enthusiastically_) I’ll do it.
MISS DOTING. (_approaching_) Ah, Pet, dear! you see I was right to
wear my pink gown. I have received many compliments, I assure you. “I
builded better than I knew,” as dear Emerson says. I want to tell you
something, I met such a charming man just before I came upstairs.
MINTRA. (_indifferently_) Who was it, auntie? You meet so many
“charming men.”
MISS DOTING. (_coquettishly_) Now, Pet, how can I help it if they
make themselves charming to me? Surely I do nothing to attract them,
and you know how terribly soon my ideals vanish. But this time!--O
Pet! (_theatrically_), “When half gods go, the gods arrive!” and Mr.
Fossil is Jove-like in his dignity.
MINTRA. (_excitedly_) Mr. Fossil?
MISS DOTING. Yes, Mr. Fossil; and O Pet! he is so interested in our
club, and he asked me--well (_coyly_), perhaps he should not have
done so upon so short an acquaintance; but when I told him that we
proposed giving an exhibition of our talent to the guests of the
house, at a later date, he asked me (_giggles_), he asked me if he
might come, and I said yes.
MINTRA. (_laughing_) Well, auntie, I don’t think that was so terribly
forward. I shall not object, for one.
MRS. BODKIN. O Mrs. Frisk! do you know your lesson? (_Proceeds with a
stanza of_ “Young Lochinvar,” _hesitates and breaks down_.) There! I
knew I could not do it.
MRS. FRISK. Oh! never mind. You will be all right. At any rate, there
are plenty to keep you company. I wonder where Miss Stein is.
MRS. PALLIDE. She will be a little late, I think, for I saw her
talking to Mr. Fossil, and you know his hobby. Do you know I cannot
remember that neck movement to save my life.
SEVERAL. Oh! can’t you? Why, this is it. (_All proceed to show her,
differently._)
MRS. PALLIDE. I don’t see that I am any wiser than I was before.
However, I will ask Miss Stein to show me. Do, somebody see if I say
this correctly. (_Begins another stanza of_ “Lochinvar,” _but stops
to giggle_) Now, Mrs. Frisk, if you look at me in that way I cannot
say it. I’ll tell Miss Stein of you. There she is now. (_All rush up
to_ MISS STEIN, _who enters the room_, C.)
CURTAIN