SCENE--_Porch of hotel. Gravel walk across stage in front of
porch. Exits_ R. _and_ L. _Main entrance to hotel_ C. _in flat.
Full-length windows_, R. _and_ L. _Wicker chairs scattered about
porch._ MR. FOSSIL _and_ MR. BESTMAN _discovered seated down_ L.
MR. FOSSIL. (_rising_) Yes, sir, I say that the young men of the
present day are idiots. Yes, sir, brainless idiots. Do you suppose
for one instant, sir, that I intend my money to go toward supporting
a race of wasp-waisted, deformed, hollow-chested women? (_Walking
about porch excitedly_) Not for my right hand. I would rather see you
married to a German peasant with thick ankles and a thick head than
to a simpering silly society girl tottering along on her high-heeled,
pointed-toed shoes. (_Stopping before_ TOM) Look at that. (_Takes a
slipper from his pocket_) That is the kind of shoe I mean. Now, can
you deny that this is the same style of footgear that your charming,
lovely Mintra wears? (_Takes out a photograph_) I found this stuck
in your mirror. Look at that waist. No wonder she stands with her
back to you. I should think she would be ashamed to show her face.
How does she breathe? Where are her lungs? Where is her heart? No,
sir, it is time this folly--no, it is worse than folly--this crime,
I call it--should be stopped, and I, for one, give no consent toward
the encouragement of monstrosities. Now, you have my answer. You can
marry your high-heeled, wasp-waisted, narrow-chested deformed ninny
if you want to; but if you do, you leave my office at once, and every
cent of my money shall go toward the founding of gymnasiums for women.
TOM. But, uncle, you do not expect me to give up the girl I love
simply because she does not measure a yard around her waist. What
in the world has that to do with her moral character or her lovely,
amiable qualities?
MR. FOSSIL. It has everything to do with them. A girl that distorts
the body the Lord gave her hasn’t proper moral perception, and as for
her charming qualities, I suppose you can live on them.
TOM. But, uncle, it is ridiculous to take a dislike to a girl you
have never seen. Let me present you, and--
MR. FOSSIL. No, and I do not wish to see her. I hope I never shall.
I know enough of the species already. I shall go back to the city
to-night, and I expect you to go with me.
TOM. Now, sir, that is a little too much. She is just like all girls.
I mean she isn’t like all girls, but she has had no opportunity for
doing differently because she has had no example before her, and you
surely do not expect me to--
MR. FOSSIL. I expect nothing, and if her nonsensical style suits you
my ideas do not, so there is an end of it. (_Exit_ C.)
(_Enter_ MINTRA, R.) Tom, is that you?
TOM. (_rising_) Yes; what is left of me.
MINTRA. Why, what is the matter?
TOM. Oh, nothing but what I shall have to stand. Uncle expects me to
go back to the city with him to-night.
MINTRA. Well, never mind. You can come back again. Now, Tom, don’t
look so glum. You know I want you to stay, but old people are apt to
be a bit cranky, and it is best to humor them sometimes, then they
get over their little tempers sooner. You should see how I have to
manage Auntie. Was he so very angry when you--when you told him about
me? (_shyly._)
TOM. (_savagely_) Yes. Confound his impudence!
MINTRA. Now, Tom, don’t be so savage. You know “the course of true
love,” and if it is only this I don’t mind. As long as you are my own
dear boy, the whole world may turn against me. We’ll have him on our
side yet, you see if we do not.
TOM. You dear little girl (_puts his arm around her_), if he could
but see you once, he couldn’t help being on your side.
MINTRA. Tom, have I such a very small waist?
TOM. Yes, you are quite like a wasp.
MINTRA. Oh, you mean thing. I am not like one of those horrid, shiny,
blue wasps.
TOM. No, I didn’t mean a wasp. I meant a dear little busy bee.
MINTRA. The reason I asked is--but, please promise not to tell any
one.
TOM. All right, I promise.
MINTRA. You know there is a club organized here, just to fill up this
stupid season, and you know how dull it is for me when you are not
here, for I cannot write to you every hour in the day. Well, at first
I wasn’t a bit interested, but I really am now. You see I had never
thought of narrow chests, or little bits of waists being so very
injurious. I thought it was just a fad of old people, like Auntie;
but when I heard Miss Stein talk--you know she has come down to give
us lessons--I was converted at once, it all seemed so sensible. And
so I have joined the club for Physical Culture, and--
TOM. (_rapturously_) You have!
MINTRA. Yes. Are you glad? Do you approve?
TOM. Approve! I should think so.
MINTRA. I am so glad. Well, now you see, I practice often, oh! real
often, and Tom, although you don’t seem to think so, I am ever and
ever so many inches larger in the waist. And now the funny thing I
was going to tell you is this: I sent to the city for some low-heeled
shoes, for I have discarded all my high heels; but last night as I
was going to close my shutters, one of them stuck. I couldn’t quite
reach the catch, so I took up one of my high-heeled slippers--for the
heel makes an excellent hammer--and as the catch sprang suddenly,
it knocked the slipper out of my hand and it went flying out of the
window. Of course, it was dark, but I told one of the hall boys to
try and find it, and this morning he said he had hunted everywhere,
but it was not to be seen. Now, who in the world do you suppose could
have picked it up?
TOM. Ha! ha! ha! That is funny! Forgive me, my darling, but it is so
funny, I can’t help laughing. I think I could tell where it is.
MINTRA. O Tom! did you find it?
TOM. Never mind who found it. I have seen it, and that is all I shall
tell you. It is perfectly safe.
MINTRA. Well! I think you are very mean. Do, please, throw it away
where no one can find it. Do, like a good boy. Now I must go. You
must not worry, dear.
(_Exit, both_, L.)
(_Enter_ MRS. ALLJOY, C.)
MRS. ALLJOY. I am so glad no one is here. Now I can practice a little
without being heard. (_Begins_) Ma-za-sca-ah. (_Goes through some
gestures._)
(_Enter_ MR. ALLJOY, R.)
MR. ALLJOY. Why, Laura, what are you doing?
MRS. ALLJOY. (_looking at him steadfastly and seriously_) Most men
want poise, and more royal margin.
MR. ALLJOY. So they do; so they do. (_Aside_) Good gracious, now
did she hear of that little speculation? I might as well own up.
(_Aloud_) I know, my dear, I should have had more poise; but you know
I don’t often lose my head, and a man certainly does need a royal
margin when he is dabbling in stocks.
MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph Alljoy, are you crazy?
MR. ALLJOY. No. Are you?
MRS. ALLJOY. Not at all. My mind is perfectly clear.
MR. ALLJOY. I, Joseph Alljoy, being of sound mind--
MRS. ALLJOY. Joseph, you certainly are insane. I presume you have
left at the club the small amount of brains you once possessed. Now
at my club--
MR. ALLJOY. Ye powers above! She has a club! Clubs are trumps, and we
seem to hold a full hand. How fortunate that you are my partner! I
thought you always called for diamonds though?
MRS. ALLJOY. Well, I don’t get them if I do--not when you deal.
MR. ALLJOY. Now, Lolly, don’t let’s quarrel. We have done so much of
it lately, and you have seemed so like your old self, for the past
few days, that I hoped--indeed, I did hope that our old happy days
might come back.
MRS. ALLJOY. But you didn’t go to the club, then.
MR. ALLJOY. Neither did you. No, hearts were trumps, and they are
best after all. Clubs! They are a man’s refuge
“From ev’ry stormy wind that blows,
From ev’ry swelling tide of woes;”
but a woman and a club are about as incongruous as a woman and a
base-ball bat. You didn’t need clubs before we were married.
MRS. ALLJOY. Neither did you.
MR. ALLJOY. No; for you were very entertaining then, and did not need
to be coaxed to go walking or driving. You cannot go anywhere with me
now; but you are well enough to go to clubs.
MRS. ALLJOY. You will be sorry you spoke to me in this way. I meant
to tell you all about it, but I shall not now.
MR. ALLJOY. Now, Laura, do.
MRS. ALLJOY. Aha! Curiosity is it?
MR. ALLJOY. Oh! no! But it is your duty to tell me.
MRS. ALLJOY. (_scornfully_) Duty!
(_They walk off_, L., _talking and gesticulating in an animated
manner, as enter_ MISS DOTING _and_ MR. FOSSIL, C.)
MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! it is cruel of you to leave us so soon,
but you naughty men are so uncertain; however, we must try and be
contented, for Emerson says “Discontent is the want of self-reliance;
it is the infirmity of will.” Now you must promise me again before
you go that you will surely return to witness our little attempt to
illustrate Physical Culture.
MR. FOSSIL. Well, really, Miss Doting, I--ahem!--I do not know
whether my business will permit me--but--
MISS DOTING. (_with a little scream of dismay_) O Mr. Fossil! you
surely will not disappoint us, I may say, disappoint me. Your
presence wanting will cast the gloom of discouragement over us all,
for we had hoped our champion would surely support us. You know
(_coyly_) we are only debutantes, and need a great deal of coaxing
and petting. (_with another little scream_) Oh, no! I don’t mean
petting. I mean--encouragement. As dear Pet, my niece, says: “Auntie,
you will never be anything but a child,” and indeed, as Emerson so
beautifully expresses it:
“Spring is still spring in the mind
When sixty years are told,
Love wakes anew this throbbing heart,
And we are never old.”
MR. FOSSIL. Very true, very true, Miss Doting.
MISS DOTING. Now, Mr. Fossil, we can depend upon you, I know. I
should so like you to see Pet, my dear niece. We are like sisters,
and in this little club of ours she is so in sympathy with me. Fancy
the dear child discarding all her pretty slippers, and wearing low
heels; fancy her clothing her dear young form in the garb of a true
dress reformer. You should see her pretty, graceful movements, free
as the bird that wings its way over yon ocean; free as the curling
wave that laps the bleaching sand. Oh, those exquisite movements
of grace! O Beauty! Beauty! how I adore thee! Yes, Mr. Fossil, you
should see my dear, heroic little niece.
MR. FOSSIL. I should like to see her, madam. A girl nowadays who is
willing to elevate this degenerate race by discarding its follies and
vanities, is a girl after my own heart. Miss Pet must be a niece to
be proud of, and it speaks well for the teachings of her aunt, that
she is so tractable and amiable as to follow her suggestions. I wish
my nephew were as obedient.
MISS DOTING. You have a nephew, Mr. Fossil?
MR. FOSSIL. Yes, madam, my dead sister’s son, to whom I have been a
father, and who now despises my counsels and derides my opinions.
MISS DOTING. O Mr. Fossil! how can he? One so good, so noble, so
truly wise in his judgments should be listened to as we listen to
truth.
MR. FOSSIL. Thank you, thank you, Miss Doting. I think I must try and
manage to get down to your little exhibition, and I anticipate much
pleasure in meeting your niece. And now, my dear madam, I must make
my adieux, for I fear it is train time.
MISS DOTING. Good-bye, Mr. Fossil, or rather, _au revoir_. (_Stands
gazing after him as he goes off_ R. TOM _and_ MINTRA _appear_ L.
MINTRA _goes up porch_. TOM _goes off_ R., _lingeringly, turning back
several times, while_ MINTRA _waves her hand_.)
CURTAIN