The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, his
prescriptions consisting of _draughts_ only--O'Brien finishes the
history of his life, in which the proverb of "the more the merrier" is
sadly disproved--_Shipping_ a new pair of boots causes the _unshipping_
of their owner--Walking home after a ball, O'Brien meets with an
accident.
The next morning I was on deck at seven bells, to see the hammocks
stowed, when I was witness to Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, having
recourse to one of his remedies to cure a mizen-top-boy of smoking, a
practice to which he had a great aversion. He never interfered with the
men smoking in the galley, or chewing tobacco; but he prevented the
boys, that is, lads under twenty or there-abouts, from indulging in the
habit too early. The first lieutenant smelt the tobacco as the boy
passed him on the quarter-deck. "Why, Neill, you have been smoking,"
said the first lieutenant. "I thought you were aware that I did not
permit such lads as you to use tobacco."
"If you please, sir," replied the mizen-top-man, touching his hat, "I'se
got worms, and they say that smoking be good for them."
"Good for them!" said the first lieutenant; "yes, very good for them,
but very bad for you. Why, my good fellow, they'll thrive upon tobacco
until they grow as large as conger eels. Heat is what the worms are fond
of; but cold--cold will kill them. Now I'll cure you. Quarter-master,
come here. Walk this boy up and down the weather-gangway, and every time
you get forward abreast of the main-tack block, put his mouth to
windward, squeeze him sharp by the nape of the neck until he opens his
mouth wide, and there keep him and let the cold air blow down his
throat, while you count ten; then walk him aft, and when you are forward
again, proceed as before.--Cold kills worms, my poor boy, not tobacco--I
wonder that you are not dead by this time."
The quarter-master, who liked the joke, as did all the seamen, seized
hold of the lad, and as soon as they arrived forward, gave him such a
squeeze of the neck as to force him to open his mouth, if it were only
to cry with pain. The wind was very fresh, and blew into his mouth so
strong, that it actually whistled while he was forced to keep it open;
and thus, he was obliged to walk up and down, cooling his inside, for
nearly two hours, when the first lieutenant sent for him, and told him,
that he thought all the worms must be dead by that time; but if they
were not, the lad was not to apply his own remedies, but come to him for
another dose. However, the boy was of the same opinion as the first
lieutenant, and never complained of worms again.
A few nights afterwards, when we had the middle watch, O'Brien proceeded
with his story.
"Where was it that I left off?"
"You left off at the time that you were taken out of confinement."
"So I did, sure enough; and it was with no good-will that I went to my
duty. However, as there was no help for it, I walked up and down the
deck as before, with my hands in my pockets, thinking of old Ireland,
and my great ancestor, Brien Borru. And so I went on behaving myself
like a real gentleman, and getting into no more scrapes, until the fleet
put into the Cove of Cork, and I found myself within a few miles of my
father's house. You may suppose that the anchor had hardly kissed the
mud, before I went to the first lieutenant, and asked leave to go on
shore. Now the first lieutenant was not in the sweetest of tempers,
seeing as how the captain had been hauling him over the coals for not
carrying on the duty according to his satisfaction. So he answered me
very gruffly, that I should not leave the ship. 'Oh, bother!' said I to
myself, 'this will never do.' So up I walked to the captain, and
touching my hat, reminded him that 'I had a father and mother, and a
pretty sprinkling of brothers and sisters, who were dying to see me, and
that I hoped that he would give me leave.' 'Ax the first lieutenant,'
said he, turning away. 'I have, sir,' replied I, 'and he says that the
devil a bit shall I put my foot on shore.' 'Then you have misbehaved
yourself,' said the captain. 'Not a bit of it, Captain Willis,' replied
I; 'it's the first lieutenant who has misbehaved.' 'How, sir?' answered
he, in an angry tone. 'Why, sir, didn't he misbehave just now in not
carrying on the duty according to your will and pleasure? and didn't you
serve him out just as he deserved--and isn't he sulky because you did--
and arn't that the reason why I am not to go on shore? You see, your
honour, it's all true as I said; and the first lieutenant has misbehaved
and not I. I hope you will allow me to go on shore, captain, God bless
you! and make some allowance for my parental feelings towards the
arthers of my existence.' 'Have you any fault to find with Mr O'Brien?'
said the captain to the first lieutenant, as he came aft. 'No more than
I have with midshipmen in general; but I believe it is not the custom
for officers to ask leave to go on shore before the sails are furled and
the yards squared.' 'Very true,' replied the captain; 'therefore, Mr
O'Brien, you must wait until the watch is called, and then, if you ask
the first lieutenant, I have no doubt but you will have leave granted to
you to go and see your friends.' 'Thank'e kindly, sir,' replied I; and I
hoped that the yards and sails would be finished off as soon as
possible, for my heart was in my mouth, and I felt that if I had been
kept much longer, it would have flown on shore before me.
"I thought myself very clever in this business, but I was never a
greater fool in my life; for there was no such hurry to have gone on
shore, and the first lieutenant never forgave me for appealing to the
captain--but of that by-and-by, and all in good time. At last I obtained
a grumbling assent to my going on shore, and off I went like a
sky-rocket. Being in a desperate hurry, I hired a jaunting-car to take
me to my father's house. 'Is it the O'Brien of Ballyhinch that you
mane?' inquired the spalpeen who drove the horse. 'Sure it is,' replied
I; 'and how is he, and all the noble family of the O'Briens?" 'All well
enough, bating the boy Tim, who caught a bit of confusion in his head
the other night at the fair, and now lies at home in bed quite
insensible to mate or drink; but the doctors give hopes of his recovery,
as all the O'Briens are known to have such thick heads.' 'What do you
mane by that, bad manners to you?' said I, 'but poor Tim--how did it
happen--was there a fight?' 'Not much of a fight--only a bit of a
skrummage--three crowners' inquests, no more.' 'But you are not going
the straight road, you thief,' said I, seeing that he had turned off to
the left. 'I've my reasons for that, your honour,' replied he; 'I always
turn away from the Castle out of principle--I lost a friend there, and
it makes me melancholy.' 'How came that for to happen?' 'All by
accident, your honour; they hung my poor brother Patrick there, because
he was a bad hand at arithmetic.' 'He should have gone to a better
school then,' said I. 'I've an idea that it was a bad school that he was
brought up in,' replied he, with a sigh. 'He was a cattle-dealer, your
honour, and one day, somehow or another, he'd a cow too much--all for
not knowing how to count, your honour,--bad luck to his school-master.'
'All that may be very true,' said I, 'and pace be to his soul; but I
don't see why you are to drag me, that's in such a hurry, two miles out
of my way, out of principle.' 'Is your honour in a hurry to get home?
Then I'll be thinking they'll not be in such a hurry to see you.' 'And
who told you that my name was O'Brien, you baste?--and do you dare to
say that my friends won't be glad to see me?' 'Plase your honour, it's
all an idea of mine--so say no more about it. Only this I know: Father
M'Grath, who gives me absolution, tould me the other day that I ought to
pay him, and not run in debt, and then run away like Terence O'Brien,
who went to say without paying for his shirts, and his shoes, and his
stockings, nor anything else, and who would live to be hanged as sure as
St Patrick swam over the Liffey with his head under his arm.' 'Bad luck
to that Father McGrath,' cried I; 'devil burn me, but I'll be revenged
upon him!'
"By that time we had arrived at the door of my father's house. I paid
the rapparee, and in I popped. There was my father and mother, and all
my brothers and sisters (bating Tim, who was in bed sure enough, and
died next day), and that baste Father McGrath to boot. When my mother
saw me she ran to me and hugged me as she wept on my neck, and then she
wiped her eyes and sat down again; but nobody else said 'How d'ye do?'
or opened their mouths to me. I said to myself, 'Sure there's some
trifling mistake here,' but I held my tongue. At last they all opened
their mouths with a vengeance. My father commenced--'Ar'n't you ashamed
on yourself, Terence O'Brien?' 'Ar'n't you ashamed on yourself, Terence
O'Brien?' cried Father M'Grath. 'Ar'n't you ashamed on yourself?' cried
out all my brothers and sisters in full chorus, whilst my poor mother
put her apron to her eyes and said nothing. 'The devil a bit for myself,
but very much ashamed for you all,' replied I, 'to treat me in this
manner. What's the meaning of all this?' 'Haven't they seized my two
cows to pay for your toggery, you spalpeen?' cried my father. 'Haven't
they taken the hay to pay for your shoes and stockings?' cried Father
M'Grath. 'Haven't they taken the pig to pay for that ugly hat of yours?'
cried my eldest sister. 'And haven't they taken my hens to pay for that
dirk of yours?' cried another. 'And all our best furniture to pay for
your white shirts and black cravats?' cried Murdock, my brother. 'And
haven't we been starved to death ever since?' cried they all. 'Och
hone!' said my mother. 'The devil they have!' said I, when they'd all
done. 'Sure I'm sorry enough, but it's no fault of mine. Father, didn't
you send me to say?' 'Yes, you rapparee; but didn't you promise--or
didn't I promise for you, which is all one and the same thing--that
you'd pay it all back with your prize-money--and where is it? answer
that, Terence O'Brien.' 'Where is it, father? I'll tell you; it's where
next Christmas is--coming, but not come yet.' 'Spake to him, Father
M'Grath,' said my father. 'Is not that a lie of yours, Terence O'Brien,
that you're after telling now?' said Father McGrath; 'give me the
money.' 'It's no lie, Father McGrath; if it pleased you to die
to-morrow, the devil of a shilling have I to jingle on your tombstone
for good luck, bating those three or four, which you may divide between
you, and I threw them on the floor.
"'Terence O'Brien,' said Father McGrath, 'its absolution that you'll be
wanting to-morrow, after all your sins and enormities; and the devil a
bit shall you have--take that now.'
"'Father M'Grath,' replied I very angrily, 'it's no absolution that I'll
want from you, any how--take that now.'
"'Then you have had your share of heaven; for I'll keep you out of it,
you wicked monster,' said Father M'Grath--'take that now.'
"'If it's no better than a midshipman's berth,' replied I, 'I'd just as
soon stay out; but I'll creep in in spite of you--take that now, Father
M'Grath.'
"'And who's to save your soul, and send you to heaven, if I don't, you
wicked wretch? but I'll see you d--d first--so take that now, Terence
O'Brien.'
"'Then I'll turn Protestant, and damn the Pope--take that now, Father
M'Grath.'
"At this last broadside of mine, my father and all my brothers and
sisters raised a cry of horror, and my mother burst into tears. Father
M'Grath seized hold of the pot of holy water, and dipping in the little
whisk, began to sprinkle the room, saying a Latin prayer, while they all
went on squalling at me. At last, my father seized the stool, which he
had been seated upon, and threw it at my head. I dodged, and it knocked
down Father M'Grath, who had just walked behind me in full song. I knew
that it was all over after that, so I sprang over his carcass, and
gained the door. 'Good morning to ye all, and better manners to you next
time we meet,' cried I, and off I set as fast as I could for the ship.
"I was melancholy enough as I walked back, and thought of what had
passed. 'I need not have been in such a confounded hurry,' said I to
myself, 'to ask leave, thereby affronting the first lieutenant;' and I
was very sorry for what I had said to the priest, for my conscience
thumped me very hard at having even pretended that I'd turn Protestant,
which I never intended to do, nor never will, but live and die a good
Catholic, as all my posterity have done before me, and, as I trust, all
my ancestors will for generations to come. Well, I arrived on board, and
the first lieutenant was very savage. I hoped he would get over it, but
he never did; and he continued to treat me so ill that I determined to
quit the ship, which I did as soon as we arrived in Cawsand Bay. The
captain allowed me to go, for I told him the whole truth of the matter,
and he saw that it was true; so he recommended me to the captain of a
jackass frigate, who was in want of midshipmen."
"What do you mean by a jackass frigate?" inquired I.
"I mean one of your twenty-eight gun-ships, so called, because there is
as much difference between them and a real frigate, like the one we are
sailing in, as there is between a donkey and a racehorse. Well, the ship
was no sooner brought down to the dock-yard to have her ballast taken
in, than our captain came down to her--a little, thin, spare man, but a
man of weight nevertheless, for he brought a great pair of scales with
him, and weighed everything that was put on board. I forget his real
name, but the sailors christened him Captain Avoirdupois. He had a large
book, and in it he inserted the weight of the ballast, and of the shot,
water, provisions, coals, standing and running rigging, cables, and
everything else. Then he weighed all the men, and all the midshipmen,
and all the midshipmen's chests, and all the officers, with everything
belonging to them: lastly, he weighed himself, which did not add much to
the sum total. I don't exactly know what this was for; but he was always
talking about centres of gravity, displacement of fluid, and Lord knows
what. I believe it was to find out the longitude, somehow or other, but
I didn't remain long enough in her to know the end of it, for one day I
brought on board a pair of new boots, which I forgot to report that they
might be put into the scales, which swang on the gangway; and whether
the captain thought that they would sink his ship, or for what I can not
tell, but he ordered me to quit her immediately--so, there I was adrift
again. I packed up my traps and went on shore, putting on my new boots
out of spite, and trod into all the mud and mire I could meet, and
walked up and down from Plymouth to Dock until I was tired, as a
punishment to them, until I wore the scoundrels out in a fortnight.
"One day I was in the dockyard, looking at a two-decker in the basin,
just brought forward for service, and I inquired who was to be the
captain. They told me that his name was O'Connor. Then's he's a
countryman of mine, thought I, and I'll try my luck. So I called at
Goud's Hotel, where he was lodging, and requested to speak with him. I
was admitted, and I told him, with my best bow, that I had come as a
volunteer for his ship, and that my name was O'Brien. As it happened, he
had some vacancies, and liking my brogue, he asked me in what ships I
had served. I told him, and also my reason for quitting my last--which
was, because I was turned out of it. I explained the story of the boots,
and he made inquiries, and found that it was all true; and then he gave
me a vacancy as master's mate. We were ordered to South America, and the
trade winds took us there in a jiffey. I liked my captain and officers
very much; and what was better, we took some good prizes. But somehow or
other, I never had the luck to remain long in one ship, and that by no
fault of mine; at least, not in this instance. All went on as smooth as
possible, until one day the captain took us on shore to a ball, at one
of the peaceable districts. We had a very merry night of it; but as luck
would have it, I had the morning watch to keep, and see the decks
cleaned, and as I never neglected my duty, I set off about three o'clock
in the morning, just at break of day, to go on board of the ship. I was
walking along the sands, thinking of the pretty girl that I'd been
dancing with, and had got about half way to the ship, when three
rapparees of Spanish soldiers came from behind a rock and attacked me
with their swords and bayonets. I had only my dirk, but I was not to be
run through for nothing, so I fought them as long as I could. I finished
one fellow, but at last they finished me; for a bayonet passed through
my body, and I forgot all about it. Well, it appears--for I can only say
to the best of my knowledge and belief--that after they had killed me,
they stripped me naked and buried me in the sand, carrying away with
them the body of their comrade. So there I was--dead and buried."
"But, O'Brien," said I
"Whist--hold your tongue--you've not heard the end of it. Well, I had
been buried about an hour--but not very deep it appears, for they were
in too great a hurry--when a fisherman and his daughter came along the
beach, on their way to the boat; and the daughter, God bless her! did me
the favour to tread upon my nose. It was clear that she had never trod
upon an Irishman's nose before, for it surprised her, and she looked
down to see what was there, and not seeing anything, she tried it again
with her foot, and then she scraped off the sand, and discovered my
pretty face. I was quite warm and still breathing, for the sand had
stopped the blood, and prevented my bleeding to death. The fisherman
pulled me out, and took me on his back to the house where the captain
and officers were still dancing. When he brought me in, there was a
great cry from the ladies, not because I was murdered, for they are used
to it in those countries, but because I was naked, which they considered
a much more serious affair. I was put to bed and a boat despatched on
board for our doctor; and in a few hours I was able to speak, and tell
them how it happened. But I was too ill to move when the ship sailed,
which she was obliged to do in a day or two afterwards, so the captain
made out my discharge, and left me there. The family were French, and I
remained with them for six months before I could obtain a passage home,
during which I learnt their language, and a very fair allowance of
Spanish to boot. When I arrived in England, I found that the prizes had
been sold, and that the money was ready for distribution. I produced my
certificate, and received £167 for my share. So it's come at last,
thought I.
"I never had such a handful of money in my life; but I hope I shall
again very soon. I spread it out on the table as soon as I got home, and
looked at it, and then I said to myself, 'Now, Terence O'Brien, will you
keep this money to yourself, or send it home?' Then I thought of Father
M'Grath, and the stool that was thrown at my head, and I was very near
sweeping it all back into my pocket. But then I thought of my mother,
and of the cows, and the pig, and the furniture, all gone; and of my
brothers and sisters wanting praties, and I made a vow that I'd send
every farthing of it to them, after which Father M'Grath would no longer
think of not giving me absolution. So I sent them every doit, only
reserving for myself the pay which I had received, amounting to about
£30: and I never felt more happy in my life than when it was safe in the
post-office, and fairly out of my hands. I wrote a bit of a letter to my
father at the time, which was to this purpose:--
"'HONOURED FATHER,--
Since our last pleasant meeting, at which you threw the stool at my
head, missing the pigeon and hitting the crow, I have been dead and
buried, but am now quite well, thank God, and want no absolution from
Father M'Grath, bad luck to him. And what's more to the point, I have
just received a batch of prize-money, the first I have handled since I
have served his Majesty, and every farthing of which I now send to
you, that you may get back your old cows, and the pig, and all the
rest of the articles seized to pay for my fitting out; so never again
ask me whether I am not ashamed of myself; more shame to you for
abusing a dutiful son like myself, who went to sea at your bidding,
and has never had a real good potato down his throat ever since. I'm a
true O'Brien, tell my mother, and don't mane to turn Protestant, but
uphold the religion of my country; although the devil may take Father
M'Grath and his holy water to boot. I sha'n't come and see you, as
perhaps you may have another stool ready for my head, and may take
better aim next time.
So no more at present from your affectionate son, 'TERENCE O'BRIEN.'"
"About three weeks afterwards I received a letter from my father,
telling me that I was a real O'Brien, and that if any one dared hint to
the contrary, he would break every bone in his body; that they had
received the money, and thanked me for a real gentleman as I was; that I
should have the best stool in the house next time I came, not for my
head, but for my tail; that Father M'Grath sent me his blessing, and had
given me absolution for all I had done, or should do for the next ten
years to come; that my mother had cried with joy at my dutiful
behaviour; and that all my brothers and sisters (bating Tim, who had
died the day after I left them) wished me good luck, and plenty more
prize-money to send home to them.
"This was all very pleasant; and I had nothing left on my mind but to
get another ship; so I went to the port-admiral, and told him how it was
that I left my last: and he said, 'that being dead and buried was quite
sufficient reason for any one leaving his ship, and that he would
procure me another, now that I had come to life again.' I was sent on
board of the guard-ship, where I remained about ten days, and then was
sent round to join this frigate--and so my story's ended; and there's
eight bells striking--so the watch is ended too; jump down, Peter, and
call Robinson, and tell him that I'll trouble him to forget to go to
sleep again as he did last time, and leave me here kicking my heels,
contrary to the rules and regulations of the service."