New theory of Mr Muddle remarkable for having no end to it--Novel
practice of Mr Chucks--O'Brien commences his history--There were giants
in those days--I bring up the master's _night-glass_.
As I have already mentioned sufficient of the captain and the first
lieutenant to enable the reader to gain an insight into their
characters, I shall now mention two very odd personages who were my
shipmates, the carpenter and the boatswain. The carpenter, whose name
was Muddle, used to go by the appellation of Philosopher Chips, not that
he followed any particular school, but had formed a theory of his own,
from which he was not to be dissuaded. This was, that the universe had
its cycle of events turned round, so that in a certain period of time
everything was to happen over again. I never could make him explain upon
what data his calculations were founded; he said, that if he explained
it, I was too young to comprehend it; but the fact was this, "that in
27,672 years everything that was going on now would be going on again,
with the same people as were existing at this present time." He very
seldom ventured to make the remark to Captain Savage, but to the first
lieutenant he did very often. "I've been as close to it as possible,
sir, I do assure you, although you find fault; but 27,672 years ago you
were first lieutenant of this ship, and I was carpenter, although we
recollect nothing about it; and 27,672 years hence we shall both be
standing by this boat, talking about the repairs, as we are now."
"I do not doubt it, Mr Muddle," replied the first lieutenant; "I dare
say that it is all very true, but the repairs must be finished this
night, and 27,672 years hence you will have the order just as positive
as you have it now, so let it be done."
This theory made him very indifferent as to danger, or indeed as to
anything. It was of no consequence, the affair took its station in the
course of time. It had happened at the above period, and would happen
again. Fate was fate. But the boatswain was a more amusing personage. He
was considered to be the _taughtest_ (that is, the most active and
severe) boatswain in the service. He went by the name of "Gentleman
Chucks"--the latter was his surname. He appeared to have received half
an education; sometimes his language was for a few sentences remarkably
well chosen, but, all of a sudden, he would break down at a hard word;
but I shall be able to let the reader into more of his history as I go
on with my adventures. He had a very handsome person, inclined to be
stout, keen eyes, and hair curling in ringlets. He held his head up, and
strutted as he walked. He declared "that an officer should look like an
officer, and _comport_ himself accordingly." In his person he was very
clean, wore rings on his great fingers, and a large frill to his bosom,
which stuck out like the back fin of a perch, and the collar of his
shirt was always pulled up to a level with his cheek-bones. He never
appeared on deck without his "persuader," which was three rattans
twisted into one, like a cable; sometimes he called it his Order of the
Bath, or his Tri_o_ junct_o_ in Uno; and this persuader was seldom idle.
He attempted to be very polite, even when addressing the common seamen,
and, certainly, he always commenced his observations to them in a very
gracious manner, but, as he continued, he became less choice in his
phraseology. O'Brien said that his speeches were like the Sin of the
poet, very fair at the upper part of them, but shocking at the lower
extremities. As a specimen of them, he would say to the man on the
forecastle, "Allow me to observe, my dear man, in the most delicate way
in the world, that you are spilling that tar upon the deck--a deck, sir,
if I may venture to make the observation, I had the duty of seeing
holystoned this morning. You understand me, sir, you have defiled his
majesty's forecastle. I must do my duty, sir, if you neglect yours; so
take that--and that--and that--(thrashing the man with his rattan)--you
d--d hay-making son of a sea-cook. Do it again, d--n your eyes, and I'll
cut your liver out."
I remember one of the ship's boys going forward with a kid of dirty
water to empty in the head, without putting his hand up to his hat as he
passed the boatswain. "Stop, my little friend," said the boatswain,
pulling out his frill, and raising up both sides of his shirt-collar.
"Are you aware, sir, of my rank and station in society?"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, trembling, and eyeing the rattan.
"Oh, you are!" replied Mr Chucks. "Had you not been aware of it, I
should have considered a gentle correction necessary, that you might
have avoided such an error in future; but, as you _were_ aware of it,
why then, d--n you, you have no excuse, so take that--and that--you
yelping, half-starved abortion. I really beg your pardon, Mr Simple,"
said he to me, as the boy went howling forward, for I was walking with
him at the time; "but really the service makes brutes of us all. It is
hard to sacrifice our health, our night's rest, and our comforts; but
still more so, that in my responsible situation, I am obliged too often
to sacrifice my gentility."
The master was the officer who had charge of the watch to which I was
stationed; he was a very rough sailor, who had been brought up in the
merchant service, not much of a gentleman in his appearance, very
good-tempered, and very fond of grog. He always quarrelled with the
boatswain, and declared that the service was going to the devil, now
that warrant officers put on white shirts, and wore frills to them. But
the boatswain did not care for him; he knew his duty, he did his duty,
and if the captain was satisfied, he said, that the whole ship's company
might grumble. As for the master, he said, the man was very well, but
having been brought up in a collier, he could not be expected to be very
refined; in fact, he observed, pulling up his shirt-collar--"it was
impossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." The master was very
kind to me, and used to send me down to my hammock before my watch was
half over. Until that time, I walked the deck with O'Brien, who was a
very pleasant companion, and taught me everything that he could,
connected with my profession. One night, when he had the middle watch, I
told him I should like very much if he would give me the history of his
life. "That I will, my honey," replied he, "all that I can remember of
it, though I have no doubt but that I've forgotten the best part of it.
It's now within five minutes of two bells, so we'll heave the log and
mark the board, and then I'll spin you a yarn, which will keep us both
from going to sleep." O'Brien reported the rate of sailing to the
master, marked it down on the log-board, and then returned.
"So now, my boy, I'll come to an anchor on the topsail halyard rack, and
you may squeeze your thread-paper little carcass under my lee, and then
I'll tell you all about it. First and foremost, you must know that I am
descended from the great O'Brien Borru, who was king in his time, as the
great Fingal was before him. Of course you've heard of Fingal?"
"I can't say that I ever did," replied I.
"Never heard of Fingal!--murder! Where must you have been all your life?
Well, then, to give you some notion of Fingal, I will first tell you how
Fingal bothered the great Scotch giant, and then I'll go on with my own
story. Fingal, you must know, was a giant himself, and no fool of one,
and any one that affronted him was as sure of a bating, as I am to keep
the middle watch to-night. But there was a giant in Scotland as tall as
the mainmast, more or less, as we say when we a'n't quite sure, as it
saves telling more lies than there's occasion for. Well, this Scotch
giant heard of Fingal, and how he had beaten everybody, and he said,
'Who is this Fingal? By Jasus,' says he in Scotch, 'I'll just walk over
and see what he's made of.' So he walked across the Irish Channel, and
landed within half-a-mile of Belfast, but whether he was out of his
depth or not I can't tell, although I suspect that he was not
dry-footed. When Fingal heard that this great chap was coming over, he
was in a devil of a fright, for they told him that the Scotchman was
taller by a few feet or so. Giants, you know, measure by feet, and don't
bother themselves about the inches, as we little devils are obliged to
do. So Fingal kept a sharp look-out for the Scotchman, and one fine
morning, there he was, sure enough, coming up the hill to Fingal's
house. If Fingal was afraid before, he had more reason to be afraid when
he saw the fellow, for he looked for all the world like the Monument
upon a voyage of discovery. So Fingal ran into his house, and called to
his wife Shaya, 'My vourneen,' says he, 'be quick now; there's that big
bully of a Scotchman coming up the hill. Kiver me up with the blankets,
and if he asks who is in bed, tell him it's the child.' So Fingal laid
down on the bed, and his wife had just time to cover him up, when in
comes the Scotchman, and though he stooped low, he broke his head
against the portal. 'Where's that baste Fingal?' says he, rubbing his
forehead; 'show him to me, that I may give him a bating.' 'Whisht,
whisht!' cries Shaya, 'you'll wake the babby, and then him that you talk
of bating will be the death of you, if he comes in.' 'Is that the
babby?' cried the Scotchman with surprise, looking at the great carcass
muffled up in the blankets. 'Sure it is,' replied Shaya, 'and Fingal's
babby too; so don't you wake him, or Fingal will twist your neck in a
minute.' 'By the cross of St Andrew,' replied the giant, 'then it's time
for me to be off; for if that's his babby, I'll be but a mouthful to the
fellow himself. Good morning to ye.' So the Scotch giant ran out of the
house, and never stopped to eat or drink until he got back to his own
hills, foreby he was nearly drowned in having mistaken his passage
across the Channel in his great hurry. Then Fingal got up and laughed,
as well he might, at his own 'cuteness; and so ends my story about
Fingal. And now I'll begin about myself. As I said before, I am
descended from the great O'Brien, who was a king in his time, but that
time's past. I suppose, as the world turns round, my children's
children's posterity may be kings again, although there seems but little
chance of it just now; but there's ups and downs on a grand scale, as
well as in a man's own history, and the wheel of fortune keeps turning
for the comfort of those who are at the lowest spoke, as I may be just
now. To cut the story a little shorter, I skip down to my
great-grandfather, who lived like a real gentleman, as he was, upon his
ten thousand a year. At last he died, and eight thousand of the ten was
buried with him. My grandfather followed his father all in good course
of time, and only left my father about one hundred acres of bog, to keep
up the dignity of the family. I am the youngest of ten, and devil a
copper have I but my pay, or am I likely to have. You may talk about
_descent_, but a more _descending_ family than mine was never in
existence, for here am I with twenty-five pounds a-year, and a half-pay
of 'nothing a day, and find myself,' when my great ancestor did just
what he pleased with all Ireland, and everybody in it. But this is all
nothing, except to prove satisfactorily that I am not worth a
skillagalee, and that is the reason which induces me to condescend to
serve his Majesty. Father M'Grath, the priest, who lived with my father,
taught me the elements, as they call them. I thought I had enough of the
elements then, but I've seen a deal more of them since. 'Terence,' says
my father to me one day, 'what do you mane to do?' 'To get my dinner,
sure,' replied I, for I was not a little hungry. 'And so you shall
to-day, my vourneen,' replied my father, 'but in future you must do
something to get your own dinner: there's not praties enow for the whole
of ye. Will you go to the _say_?' 'I'll just step down and look at it,'
says I, for we lived but sixteen Irish miles from the coast; so when I
had finished my meal, which did not take long, for want of ammunition, I
trotted down to the Cove to see what a ship might be like, and I
happened upon a large one sure enough, for there lay a three-decker with
an admiral's flag at the fore. 'May be you'll be so civil as to tell me
what ship that is,' said I to a sailor on the pier. 'It's the Queen
Charlotte,' replied he, 'of one hundred and twenty guns.' Now when I
looked at her size, and compared her with all the little smacks and hoys
lying about her, I very naturally asked how old she was; he replied,
that she was no more than three years old. 'But three years old!'
thought I to myself, 'it's a fine vessel you'll be when you'll come of
age, if you grow at that rate: you'll be as tall as the top of
Bencrow,'(that's a mountain we have in our parts). You see, Peter, I was
a fool at that time, just as you are now; but by-and-by, when you've had
as many thrashings as I have had, you may chance to be as clever. I went
back to my father, and told him all I had seen, and he replied, that if
I liked it I might be a midshipman on board of her, with nine hundred
men under my command. He forgot to say how many I should have over me,
but I found that out afterwards. I agreed, and my father ordered his
pony and went to the lord-lieutenant, for he had interest enough for
that. The lord-lieutenant spoke to the admiral, who was staying at the
palace, and I was ordered on board as midshipman. My father fitted me
out pretty handsomely, telling all the tradesmen that their bills should
be paid with my first prize-money, and thus, by promises and blarney, he
got credit for all I wanted. At last all was ready: Father M'Grath gave
me his blessing, and told me that if I died like an O'Brien, he would
say a power of masses for the good of my soul. 'May you never have the
trouble, sir,' said I. 'Och, trouble! a pleasure, my dear boy,' replied
he, for he was a very polite man; so off I went with my big chest, not
quite so full as it ought to have been, for my mother cribbed one half
of my stock for my brothers and sisters. 'I hope to be back again soon,
father,' said I as I took my leave. 'I hope not, my dear boy,' replied
he: 'a'n't you provided for, and what more would you have?' So, after a
deal of bother, I was fairly on board, and I parted company with my
chest, for I stayed on deck, and that went down below. I stared about
with all my eyes for some time, when who should be coming off but the
captain, and the officers were ordered on deck to receive him. I wanted
to have a quiet survey of him, so I took up my station on one of the
guns, that I might examine him at my leisure. The boatswain whistled,
the marines presented arms, and the officers all took off their hats as
the captain came on the deck, and then the guard was dismissed, and they
all walked about the deck as before; but I found it very pleasant to be
astride on the gun, so I remained where I was. 'What do you mane by
that, you big young scoundrel?' says he, when he saw me. 'It's nothing
at all I mane,' replied I; 'but what do you mane by calling an O'Brien a
scoundrel?' 'Who is he?' said the captain to the first lieutenant. 'Mr
O'Brien, who joined the ship about an hour since.' 'Don't you know
better than to sit upon a gun?' said the captain. 'To be sure I do,'
replied I, 'when there's anything better to sit upon.' 'He knows no
better, sir,' observed the first lieutenant. 'Then he must be taught,'
replied the captain. 'Mr O'Brien, since you have perched yourself on
that gun to please yourself, you will now continue there for two hours
to please me. Do you understand, sir?--you'll ride on that gun for two
hours.' 'I understand, sir,' replied I; 'but I am afraid that he won't
move without spurs, although there's plenty of _metal_ in him.' The
captain turned away and laughed as he went into his cabin, and all the
officers laughed, and I laughed too, for I perceived no great hardship
in sitting down an hour or two, any more than I do now. Well, I soon
found that, like a young bear, all my troubles were to come. The first
month was nothing but fighting and squabbling with my messmates; they
called me a _raw_ Irishman, and _raw_ I was, sure enough, from the
constant thrashings and coltings I received from those who were bigger
and stronger than myself; but nothing lasts for ever--as they discovered
that whenever they found blows I could find back, they got tired of it,
and left me and my brogue alone. We sailed for the Toolong fleet."
"What fleet?" inquired I.
"Why, the Toolong fleet, so called, I thought, because they remained too
long in harbour, bad luck to them; and then we were off Cape See-see
(devil a bit could we see of them except their mast-heads) for I don't
know how many months. But I forgot to say that I got into another scrape
just before we left harbour. It was my watch when they piped to dinner,
and I took the liberty to run below, as my messmates had a knack of
forgetting absent friends. Well, the captain came on board, and there
were no side boys, no side ropes, and no officers to receive him. He
came on deck foaming with rage, for his dignity was hurt, and he
inquired who was the midshipman of the watch. 'Mr O'Brien,' said they
all. 'Devil a bit,' replied I, 'it was my forenoon watch.' 'Who relieved
you, sir?' said the first lieutenant. 'Devil a soul, sir,' replied I;
'for they were all too busy with their pork and beef.' 'Then why did you
leave the deck without relief?' 'Because, sir, my stomach would have had
but little relief if I had remained.' The captain, who stood by, said,
'Do you see those cross-trees, sir?' 'Is it those little bits of wood
that you mane, on the top there, captain?' 'Yes, sir; now just go up
there, and stay until I call you down. You must be brought to your
senses, young man, or you'll have but little prospect in the service.'
'I've an idea that I'll have plenty of prospect when I get up there,'
replied I, 'but it's all to please you.' So up I went, as I have many a
time since, and as you often will, Peter, just to enjoy the fresh air
and your own pleasant thoughts, all at one and the same time.
"At last I became much more used to the manners and customs of
_say_-going people, and by the time that I had been fourteen months off
Cape See-see, I was considered a very genteel young midshipman, and my
messmates (that is, all that I could thrash, which didn't leave out
many) had a very great respect for me.
"The first time that I put my foot on shore was at Minorca, and then I
put my foot into it (as we say), for I was nearly killed for a heretic,
and only saved by proving myself a true Catholic, which proves that
religion is a great comfort in distress, as Father M'Grath used to say.
Several of us went on shore, and having dined upon a roast turkey,
stuffed with plum-pudding (for everything else was cooked in oil, and we
could not eat it), and having drunk as much wine as would float a
jolly-boat, we ordered donkeys, to take a little equestrian exercise.
Some went off tail on end, some with their hind-quarters uppermost, and
then the riders went off instead of the donkeys; some wouldn't go off at
all; as for mine he would go--and where the devil do you think he went?
Why, into the church where all the people were at mass; the poor brute
was dying with thirst, and smelt water. As soon as he was in,
notwithstanding all my tugging and hauling, he ran his nose into the
holy-water font, and drank it all up. Although I thought, that seeing
how few Christians have any religion, you could not expect much from a
donkey, yet I was very much shocked at the sacrilege, and fearful of the
consequences. Nor was it without reason, for the people in the church
were quite horrified, as well they might be, for the brute drank as much
holy-water as would have purified the whole town of Port Mahon, suburbs
and all to boot. They rose up from their knees and seized me, calling
upon all the saints in the calendar. Although I knew what they meant,
not a word of their lingo could I speak, to plead for my life, and I was
almost torn to pieces before the priest came up. Perceiving the danger I
was in, I wiped my finger across the wet nose of the donkey, crossed
myself, and then went down on my knees to the priests, crying out _Culpa
mea_, as all good Catholics do--though 'twas no fault of mine, as I said
before, for I tried all I could, and tugged at the brute till my
strength was gone. The priests perceived by the manner in which I
crossed myself that I was a good Catholic, and guessed that it was all a
mistake of the donkey's. They ordered the crowd to be quiet, and sent
for an interpreter, when I explained the whole story. They gave me
absolution for what the donkey had done, and after that, as it was very
rare to meet an English officer who was a good Christian, I was in great
favour during my stay at Minorca, and was living in plenty, paying for
nothing, and as happy as a cricket. So the jackass proved a very good
friend, and, to reward him, I hired him every day, and galloped him all
over the island. But, at last, it occurred to me that I had broken my
leave, for I was so happy on shore that I quite forgot that I had only
permission for twenty-four hours, and I should not have remembered it so
soon, had it not been for a party of marines, headed by a sergeant, who
took me by the collar, and dragged me off my donkey. I was taken on
board, and put under an arrest for my misconduct. Now, Peter, I don't
know anything more agreeable than being put under an arrest. Nothing to
do all day but eat and drink, and please yourself, only forbid to appear
on the quarter-deck, the only place that a midshipman wishes to avoid.
Whether it was to punish me more severely, or whether he forgot all
about me, I can't tell, but it was nearly two months before I was sent
for to the cabin; and the captain, with a most terrible frown, said,
that he trusted that my punishment would be a warning to me, and that
now I might return to my duty. 'Plase your honour,' said I, 'I don't
think that I've been punished enough yet.' 'I am glad to find that you
are so penitent, but you are forgiven, so take care that you do not
oblige me to put you again in confinement.' So, as there was no
persuading him, I was obliged to return to my duty again; but I made a
resolution that I would get into another scrape again as soon as I
dared--"
"Sail on the starboard bow!" cried the look-out man.
"Very well," replied the master; "Mr O'Brien--where's Mr O'Brien?"
"Is it me you mane, sir?" said O'Brien, walking up to the master, for he
had sat down so long in the topsail-halyard rack, that he was wedged in
and could not get out immediately.
"Yes, sir; go forward, and see what that vessel is."
"Aye, aye, sir," said O'Brien. "And Mr Simple," continued the master,
"go down and bring me up my night-glass."
"Yes, sir," replied I. I had no idea of a night-glass; and as I observed
that about this time his servant brought him up a glass of grog, I
thought it very lucky that I knew what he meant. "Take care that you
don't break it, Mr Simple." "Oh, then, I'm all right," thought I; "he
means the tumbler." So down I went, called up the gunroom steward, and
desired him to give me a glass of grog for Mr Doball. The steward
tumbled out in his shirt, mixed the grog, and gave it to me, and I
carried it up very carefully to the quarter-deck.
During my absence, the master had called the captain, and in pursuance
of his orders, O'Brien had called the first lieutenant, and when I came
up the ladder, they were both on deck. As I was ascending, I heard the
master say, "I have sent young Simple down for my night-glass, but he is
so long, that I suppose he has made some mistake. He's but half a fool."
"That I deny," replied Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, just as I put my
foot on the quarter-deck; "he's no fool." "Perhaps not," replied the
master. "Oh, here he is. What made you so long, Mr Simple--where is my
night-glass?"
"Here it is, sir," replied I, handing him the tumbler of grog; "I told
the steward to make it stiff." The captain and the first lieutenant
burst out into a laugh for Mr Doball was known to be very fond of grog;
the former walked aft to conceal his mirth; but the latter remained. Mr
Doball was in a great rage. "Did not I say that the boy was half a
fool?" cried he to the first lieutenant. "At all events, I'll not allow
that he has proved himself so in this instance," replied Mr Falcon, "for
he has hit the right nail on the head." Then the first lieutenant joined
the captain, and they both went off laughing. "Put it on the capstan,
sir," said Mr Doball to me, in an angry voice. "I'll punish you
by-and-by." I was very much astonished; I hardly knew whether I had done
right or wrong; at all events, thought I to myself, I did for the best;
so I put it on the capstan and walked to my own side of the deck. The
captain and first lieutenant then went below, and O'Brien came aft.
"What vessel is it?" said I.
"To the best of my belief, it's one of your bathing-machines going home
with despatches," replied he.
"A bathing machine," said I; "why I thought that they were hauled up on
the beach." "That's the Brighton sort; but these are made not to go up
at all."
"What then?"
"Why, to _go down_, to be sure; and remarkably well they answer their
purpose. I won't puzzle you any more, my Peter--I'm spaking
helligorically, which I believe means telling a hell of a lie. It's one
of your ten-gun brigs, to the best of my knowledge."
I then told O'Brien what had occurred, and how the master was angry with
me. O'Brien laughed very heartily, and told me never to mind, but to
keep in the lee-scuppers and watch him. "A glass of grog is a bait that
he'll play round till he gorges. When you see it to his lips, go up to
him boldly, and ask his pardon, if you have offended him, and then, if
he's a good Christian, as I believe him to be, he'll not refuse it."
I thought this was very good advice, and I waited under the bulwark on
the lee-side. I observed that the master made shorter and shorter turns
every time, till at last he stopped at the capstan and looked at the
grog. He waited about half a minute, and then he took up the tumbler,
and drank about half of it. It was very strong, and he stopped to take
breath. I thought this was the right time, and I went up to him. The
tumbler was again to his lips, and before he saw me, I said, "I hope,
sir, you'll forgive me; I never heard of a night telescope, and knowing
that you had walked so long, I thought you were tired, and wanted
something to drink to refresh you." "Well, Mr Simple," said he, after he
had finished the glass, with a deep sigh of pleasure, "as you meant
kindly, I shall let you off this time; but recollect, that whenever you
bring me a glass of grog again, it must not be in the presence of the
captain or first lieutenant." I promised him very faithfully, and went
away quite delighted with my having made my peace with him, and more so,
that the first lieutenant had said that I was no fool for what I had
done.
At last our watch was over, and about two bells I was relieved by the
midshipmen of the next watch. It is very unfair not to relieve in time,
but if I said a word I was certain to be thrashed the next day upon some
pretence or other. On the other hand, the midshipman whom I relieved was
also much bigger than I was, and if I was not up before one bell, I was
cut down and thrashed by him: so that between the two I kept much more
than my share of the watch, except when the master sent me to bed before
it was over.