Puzzled with very common words--Mrs Trotter takes care of my wardrobe--A
matrimonial duet, ending _con strepito_.
I awoke the next morning at daylight with a noise over my head which
sounded like thunder; I found it proceeded from holystoning and washing
down the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did not
feel the least sick or giddy. Mr Trotter, who had been up at four
o'clock, came down, and directed one of the marines to fetch me some
water. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck,
which they were swabbing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin-door,
I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the Blue
Posts.
"So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his faggot of a wife have got hold
of you--have they?" said he. I replied, that I did not know the meaning
of faggot, but that I considered Mrs Trotter a very charming woman. At
which he burst into a loud laugh. "Well," said he, "I'll just give you a
caution. Take care, or they'll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs Trotter shown
you her ankle yet?"
"Yes," I replied, "and a very pretty one it is."
"Ah! she's at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our mess
at once. You're not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well,"
said he, as he walked away, "keep the key of your own chest--that's
all."
But as Mr Trotter had warned me that the midshipmen would abuse them, I
paid very little attention to what he said. When he left me I went on
the quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy at work, and the first
lieutenant cried out to the gunner, "Now, Mr Dispart, if you are ready,
we'll breech these guns."
"Now, my lads," said the first lieutenant, "we must slue (the part that
breeches cover) more forward." As I never heard of a gun having
breeches, I was very anxious to see what was going on, and went up close
to the first lieutenant, who said to me, "Youngster, hand me that
_monkey's tail_." I saw nothing like a _monkeys tail_, but I was so
frightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was a
short bar of iron, and it so happened that it was the very article which
he wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me, and
said, "So you know what a monkey's tail is already, do you? Now don't
you ever sham stupid after that."
Thought I to myself, I'm very lucky, but if that's a monkey's tail it's
a very stiff one!
I resolved to learn the names of everything as fast as I could, that I
might be prepared; so I listened attentively to what was said; but I
soon became quite confused, and despaired of remembering anything.
"How is this to be finished off, sir?" inquired a sailor of the
boatswain.
"Why, I beg leave to hint to you, sir, in the most delicate manner in
the world," replied the boatswain, "that it must be with a
_double-wall_--and be d----d to you--don't you know that yet? Captain
of the foretop," said he, "up on your _horses_, and take your _stirrups_
up three inches."--"Ay, ay, sir." (I looked and looked, but I could see
no horses.)
"Mr Chucks," said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, "what blocks
have we below--not on charge?"
"Let me see, sir, I've one _sister_, t'other we split in half the other
day, and I think I have a couple of _monkeys_ down in the store-room.--I
say, you Smith, pass that brace through the _bull's eye,_ and take the
_sheepshank_ out before you come down."
And then he asked the first lieutenant whether something should not be
fitted with a _mouse_ or only a _Turk's head_--told him the _goose-neck_
must be spread out by the armourer as soon as the forge was up. In
short, what with _dead eyes_ and _shrouds, cats_ and _cat-blocks,
dolphins_ and _dolphin-strikers, whips_ and _puddings_, I was so puzzled
with what I heard, that I was about to leave the deck in absolute
despair.
"And, Mr Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you _bleed_ all the
_buoys_."
Bleed the boys, thought I, what can that be for? at all events, the
surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation.
This last incomprehensible remark drove me off the deck, and I retreated
to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs Trotter. "Oh, my dear!" said she, "I
am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you a
list of them--where is your key?" I replied that I had not a list, and I
handed her the key, although I did not forget the caution of the
midshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking
over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled
everything out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be
useful and what were not.
"Now these worsted stockings," she said, "will be very comfortable in
cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be
delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you
outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no
use--only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look
untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobody
wears them on board ship nowadays. They are only fit for women--I wonder
if they would fit me."
She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing the
whole of the time. Then she turned round to me and showed me how nicely
they fitted her. "Bless you, Mr Simple, it's well that Trotter is in the
hold, he'd be so jealous--do you know what these stockings cost? They
are of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and take
them off your hands." I replied, that I could not think of selling them,
and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, I begged that she would
accept of the dozen pairs. At first she positively refused, but as I
pressed her, she at last consented, and I was very happy to give them to
her as she was very kind to me, and I thought, with her husband, that
she was a very charming woman.
We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear
the smell of the onions. Mr Trotter came down very cross, because the
first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut
the service--that he had only remained to oblige the captain, who said
that he would sooner part with his right arm, and that he would demand
satisfaction of the first lieutenant as soon as he could obtain his
discharge. Mrs Trotter did all she could to pacify him, reminded him
that he had the protection of Lord this and Sir Thomas that, who would
see him righted; but in vain. The first lieutenant had told him, he
said, that he was not worth his salt, and blood only could wipe away the
insult. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each glass
became more violent, and Mrs Trotter drank also, I observed, a great
deal more than I thought she ought to have done; but she whispered to
me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly be
tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part; but they sat so late
that I went to bed and left them--he still drinking and vowing vengeance
against the first lieutenant. I had not been asleep above two or three
hours when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I
discovered that Mr Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much
shocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, I
scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but
it was dark, although they scuffled as much as before. I asked the
marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lantern,
and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed
and let them fight it out.
Shortly afterwards Mrs Trotter, who had not taken off her clothes, came
from behind the screen. I perceived at once that the poor woman could
hardly stand; she reeled to my chest, where she sat down and cried. I
pulled on my clothes as fast as I could, and then went up to her to
console her, but she could not speak intelligibly. After attempting in
vain to comfort her, she made me no answer, but staggered to my hammock,
and, after several attempts, succeeded in getting into it. I cannot say
that I much liked that, but what could I do? So I finished dressing
myself, and went up on the quarter-deck.
The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned me
against the Trotters; he was very friendly to me. "Well, Simple," said
he, "what brings you on deck?" I told him how ill Mr Trotter had behaved
to his wife, and how she had turned into my hammock.
"The cursed drunken old catamaran," cried he; "I'll go and cut her down
by the head;" but I requested he would not, as she was a lady.
"A lady!" replied he; "yes, there's plenty of ladies of her
description;" and then he informed me that she had many years ago been
the mistress of a man of fortune who kept a carriage for her; but that
he grew tired of her, and had given Trotter £200 to marry her, and that
now they did nothing but get drunk together and fight with each other.
I was very much annoyed to hear all this; but as I perceived that Mrs
Trotter was not sober, I began to think that what the midshipman said
was true. "I hope," added he, "that she has not had time to wheedle you
out of any of your clothes."
I told him that I had given her a dozen pairs of stockings, and had paid
Mr Trotter three guineas for my mess. "This must be looked to," replied
he; "I shall speak to the first lieutenant to-morrow. In the mean time,
I shall get your hammock for you. Quarter-master, keep a good look-out."
He then went below, and I followed him, to see what he would do. He went
to my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs Trotter lay
with her head on the deck in a very uncomfortable position. To my
astonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but refused to turn
out. He was abusing her, and shaking her in the hammock, when Mr
Trotter, who had been roused at the noise, rushed from behind the
screen. "You villain! what are you doing with my wife?" cried he,
pommelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he could
hardly stand.
I thought the midshipman able to take care of himself, and did not wish
to interfere; so I remained above, looking on--the sentry standing by me
with his lantern over the coombings of the hatchway to give light to the
midshipman, and to witness the fray. Mr Trotter was soon knocked down,
when all of a sudden Mrs Trotter jumped up from the hammock, and caught
the midshipman by the hair, and pulled at him. Then the sentry thought
right to interfere; he called out for the master-at-arms, and went down
himself to help the midshipman, who was faring badly between the two.
But Mrs Trotter snatched the lantern out of his hand and smashed it all
to pieces, and then we were all left in darkness, and I could not see
what took place, although the scuffling continued. Such was the posture
of affairs when the master-at-arms came up with his light. The
midshipman and sentry went up the ladder, and Mr and Mrs Trotter
continued beating each other. To this, none of them paid any attention,
saying, as the sentry had said before, "Let them fight it out."
After they had fought some time, they retired behind the screen, and I
followed the advice of the midshipman, and got into my hammock, which
the master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr and Mrs Trotter both
crying and kissing each other. "Cruel, cruel, Mr Trotter," said she,
blubbering.
"My life, my love, I was so jealous!" replied he.
"D--n and blast your jealousy," replied the lady; "I've two nice black
eyes for the galley to-morrow." After about an hour of kissing and
scolding, they both fell asleep again.
The next morning before breakfast, the midshipman reported to the first
lieutenant the conduct of Mr Trotter and his wife. I was sent for and
obliged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr Trotter, who
replied that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon which the
first lieutenant ordered the sergeant of marines to bring him up
directly. Mr Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and his
face very much scratched.
"Did not I desire you, sir," said the first lieutenant, "to introduce
this young gentleman into the midshipmen's berth? instead of which you
have introduced him to that disgraceful wife of yours, and have swindled
him out of his property. I order you immediately to return the three
guineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife give
back the stockings which she cajoled him out of."
But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockings
had been a free gift on my part and that, although I had been very
foolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand them
back again.
"Well, youngster," replied the first lieutenant, "perhaps your ideas are
correct, and if you wish it, I will not enforce that part of my order;
but," continued he to Mr Trotter, "I desire, sir, that your wife leave
the ship immediately; and I trust that when I have reported your conduct
to the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the meantime,
you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness."