Scandalum magnatum clearly proved--I prove to the captain that I
consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I
prove to the midshipmen that I am a gentleman myself--They prove their
gratitude by practising upon me, because practice makes perfect.
The captain came on board about twelve o'clock, and ordered the
discharge of Mr Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenant
had reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen on
the quarter-deck.
"Gentlemen," said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, "I feel
very much indebted to some of you for the character which you have been
pleased to give of me to Mr Simple. I must now request that you will
answer a few questions which I am about to put in his presence. Did I
ever flog the whole starboard watch because the ship would only sail
nine knots on a bowline?"
"No, sir, no!" replied they all, very much frightened.
"Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weekly
accounts pipe-clayed; or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watch
ribbon?"
"No, sir," replied they all together.
"Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue?"
They again replied in the negative.
"Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thought
proper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room; and further,
which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel?"
They were all silent.
"Will you answer me, gentlemen?"
"With respect to the duel, sir," replied the midshipman who had fought
me, "I _heard_ say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. It
was a joke."
"Well, sir, we'll allow that the duel was only a joke, (and I hope and
trust that your report is correct); is the reputation of your captain
only a joke, allow me to ask? I request to know who of you dared to
propagate such injurious slander?" (Here there was a dead pause.) "Well,
then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must refer to
my authority. Mr Simple, have the goodness to point out the person or
persons who gave you the information."
But I thought this would not be fair; and as they had all treated me
very kindly after the duel, I resolved not to tell; so I answered, "If
you please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence."
"Confidence, sir!" replied the captain; "who ever heard of confidence
between a post-captain and a midshipman?"
"No, sir," replied I, "not between a post-captain and a midshipman, but
between two gentlemen."
The first lieutenant, who stood by the captain, put his hand before his
face to hide a laugh. "He may be a fool, sir," observed he to the
captain, aside; "but I can assure you he is a very straight, forward
one."
The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, "You
may thank Mr Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter further.
I do believe that you were not serious when you calumniated me; but
recollect, that what is said in joke is too often repeated in earnest. I
trust that Mr Simple's conduct will have its effect, and that you leave
off practising upon him, who has saved you from a very severe
punishment."
When the midshipmen went down below, they all shook hands with me, and
said that I was a good fellow for not peaching; but, as for the advice
of the captain that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it,
they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never left
off until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer.
I had not been ten minutes in the berth, before they began their remarks
upon me. One said that I looked like a hardy fellow, and asked me
whether I could not bear a great deal of sleep.
I replied that I could, I dare say, if it was necessary for the good of
the service; at which they laughed, and I supposed that I had said a
good thing.
"Why here's Tomkins," said the midshipman; "he'll show you how to
perform that part of your duty. He inherits it from his father, who was
a marine officer. He can snore for fourteen hours on a stretch without
once turning round in his hammock, and finish his nap on the chest
during the whole of the day, except meal-times."
But Tomkins defended himself, by saying, that "some people were very
quick in doing things, and others were very slow; that he was one of the
slow ones, and that he did not in reality obtain more refreshment from
his long naps than other people did in short ones, because he slept much
slower than they did."
This ingenious argument was, however, overruled _nem. con._, as it was
proved that he ate pudding faster than any one in the mess.
The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into the
midshipman's berth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I was
disappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not,
declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cut
them off with a shilling; and those who had letters, after they had read
them, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half-price. I
could not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them; but they
did do so; and one that was full of good advice was sold three times,
from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of the
morals of my companions. The lowest-priced letters sold, were those
written by sisters. I was offered one for a penny, but I declined
buying, as I had plenty of sisters of my own. Directly I made that
observation, they immediately inquired all their names and ages, and
whether they were pretty or not. When I had informed them, they
quarrelled to whom they should belong. One would have Lucy, and another
took Mary; but there was a great dispute about Ellen, as I had said that
she was the prettiest of the whole. At last they agreed to put her up to
auction, and she was knocked down to a master's mate of the name of
O'Brien, who bid seventeen shillings and a bottle of rum. They requested
that I would write home to give their love to my sisters, and tell them
how they had been disposed of, which I thought very strange; but I ought
to have been flattered at the price bid for Ellen, as I repeatedly have
since been witness to a very pretty sister being sold for a glass of
grog.
I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz., because
I wanted to buy my dirk and cocked hat; upon which they told me that
there was no occasion for my spending my money, as, by the regulations
of the service, the purser's steward served them out to all the officers
who applied for them. As I knew where the purser's steward's room was,
having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went down
immediately. "Mr Purser's Steward," said I, "let me have a cocked hat
and a dirk immediately."
"Very good, sir," replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip of
paper, which he handed to me. "There is the order for it, sir; but the
cocked hats are kept in the chest up in the main-top; and as for the
dirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge."
I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk;
so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep-pen
with the sheep, mending his trousers. In reply to my demand, he told me
that he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge of
one of the corporals of marines.
I inquired who, and he said, "Cheeks [1] the marine."
I went everywhere about the ship, inquiring for Cheeks the marine, but
could not find him. Some said that they believed he was in the fore-top,
standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change; others, that he
was in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their biscuit
in the captain's dripping-pan. At last, I inquired of some of the women
who were standing between the guns on the main-deck, and one of them
answered that it was no use looking for him among them, as they all had
husbands, and Cheeks was a _widows man._[2]
As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for my
cocked hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much like going up the
rigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell overboard
I could not swim; but one of the midshipmen offered to accompany me,
stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of sinking to
the bottom, as if I was giddy, my head, at all events, _would swim_; so
I determined to venture. I climbed up very near to the main-top, but not
without missing the little ropes very often, and grazing the skin of my
shins. Then I came to large ropes stretched out from the mast, so that
you must climb them with your head backwards. The midshipman told me
these were called the cat-harpings, because they were so difficult to
climb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to go out by them. I was
afraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go through
lubber's hole, which he said had been made for people like me. I agreed
to attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived, quite out
of breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top.
The captain of the main-top was there with two other sailors. The
midshipman introduced me very politely:--"Mr Jenkins--Mr Simple,
midshipman,--Mr Simple, Mr Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr Jenkins,
Mr Simple has come up with an order for a cocked hat." The captain of
the top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in store, but
the last had been served out to the captain's monkey. This was very
provoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready with my
_footing_.
I replied, "Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when coming
up." He laughed and replied, that I should lose it altogether before I
went down; and that I must _hand_ it out. "_Hand_ out my _footing_!"
said I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman; "what does he mean?"
"He means that you must fork out a seven-shilling bit." I was just as
wise as ever, and stared very much; when Mr Jenkins desired the other
men to get half a dozen _foxes_ and make a _spread eagle_ of me, unless
he had his parkisite. I never should have found out what it all meant,
had not the midshipman, who laughed till he cried, at last informed me
that it was the custom to give the men something to drink the first time
that I came aloft, and that if I did not, they would tie me up to the
rigging.
Having no money in my pocket, I promised to pay them as soon as I went
below; but Mr Jenkins would not trust me. I then became very angry, and
inquired of him "if he doubted my honour." He replied, "Not in the
least, but that he must have the seven shillings before I went below."
"Why, sir," said I, "do you know whom you are speaking to? I am an
officer and a gentleman. Do you know who my grandfather is?"
"O yes," replied he, "very well."
"Then, who is he, sir?" replied I very angrily.
"Who is he! why he's the _Lord knows who_."
"No," replied I, "that's not his name; he is Lord Privilege." (I was
very much surprised that he knew that my grandfather was a lord.) "And
do you suppose," continued I, "that I would forfeit the honour of my
family for a paltry seven shillings?"
This observation of mine, and a promise on the part of the midshipman,
who said he would be bail for me, satisfied Mr Jenkins, and he allowed
me to go down the rigging. I went to my chest, and paid the seven
shillings to one of the top-men who followed me, and then went up on the
main-deck, to learn as much as I could of my profession. I asked a great
many questions of the midshipmen relative to the guns, and they crowded
round me to answer them. One told me they were called the frigate's
_teeth_, because they stopped the Frenchman's _jaw._ Another midshipman
said that he had been so often in action, that he was called the
_Fire-eater_. I asked him how it was that he escaped being killed. He
replied that he always made it a rule, upon the first cannon-ball coming
through the ship's side, to put his head into the hole which it had
made; as, by a calculation made by Professor Innman, the odds were
32,647, and some decimals to boot, that another ball would not come in
at the same hole. That's what I never should have thought of.
FOOTNOTES:
[1] This celebrated personage is the prototype of Mr Nobody on board of
a man-of-war.
[B] Widows' men are imaginary sailors, borne on the books, and receiving
pay and prize-money, which is appropriated to Greenwich Hospital.