my mind, though it seemed to roll to and fro under my foretop and my
knees wobbled under me, I did up the tea with marble composure and a
piece of paper, and she sot off with it, and then I fell into a
rockin' chair with almost frenzied forebodin's. What! _what_ wuz
Josiah Allen doin' in that place of folly and fashion? Could he keep
his innocence amidst the awful temptations? I'd hearn there wuz places
there where folks stood on their heads; wuz his brain strong enough to
stand the jolt?
Spozein' them iron horses should kick him over? Spozein' he got
wrecked on the Immoral railway? Or went up on the Awful Tower and fell
off? Spozein' the elephants should tread on him? Or the
boyconstructors or tigers git after him? Or he should go to the moon
and git lost there and be obleeged to stay? Oh the wild fears that
raced through my foretop; mebby they wuzn't reasonable but they gored
me jest the same. What must I, what could I do? I couldn't tell.
[Illustration: "_'Serenus and Josiah are havin' a gay time at Coney
Island. I've jest had a card from Serenus,' sez Miss
Gowdey. You could have knocked me down with a pin
feather._" (_See page 214_)]
But all of a sudden I thought of what Serenus said about a woman twice
my size dressed in gaudy red, forever takin' after folks--What would
Josiah do if she took after him? And no doubt she would, for looked at
through the magnifying lens of Absence and Anxiety he looked passingly
beautiful. As I thought of her I knowed what I would do. Sez I, "I
will go and tear him away and bring him back to duty and his mournin'
pardner."
But how could I go, wuz my next thought? How dast I venter there
alone? I lacked both courage and a summer suit. But when did Samantha
ever fail to lay holt of Duty's apron strings when they dangled in
front of her? Better go clothed in a righteous purpose and a old
parmetty than in the richest new alpacky and a craven sperit.
I knowed that if I had wanted a hobble skirt or a hayrem, or a hip
cosset there wuz no time to git 'em. But Heaven knows I didn't want
'em, treasurin' as I did the power to walk and breathe. Suffice it to
say the next mornin' the risin' sun gilded my brown straw bunnet and
umbrell as I descended from the car at the Grand Central.
Havin' walked round and round, and through and through that immense
depo, huffin' it from as fur as from our house to Jonesville, gittin'
lost time and agin, and bein' found and sot right by onlookers and
bystanders, in the fullness of time I emerged out on't with a deep
sithe of relief.
Believin' as I do that the great beneficent Power that fills the ether
about us, will bring us the help our sperit desires if we ask for it,
it didn't surprise me that almost the first man I met after I left the
press and turmoil of the throng, wuz Deacon Gansy, who moved from
Jonesville and is now runnin' a provision store in New York.
I inquired for my cousin Bildad Smith of Coney Island and told him I
wuz goin' there. Sez I, "You know Bildad's wife is runnin' down."
Which wuzn't a lie, but on the very edge on't, for what did I care for
her enjoyment of poor health? And he said he wuz goin' down there in
his delivery auto to carry 'em some fresh butter and eggs and he would
take me. I thought it wuzn't a chance to refuse. Bildad runs a eatin'
house on Coney Island.
So I sot off with Deacon Gansy, and after goin' through Chaos and
Destruction on lower New York streets, and Williamsburg bridge, and
acrost it, for all the folks in New York and Brooklyn wuz there that
day--and after passin' through crowded, hustlin', bustlin' streets, we
found ourselves anon on the broad beautiful Ocean Avenue smooth as
glass and as broad as from our house to hern that was Submit
Tewksbury's and I guess wider. Bordered on each side with four rows of
noble trees with paths between 'em. The deacon said there wuz over
'leven thousand trees along that avenue, and I didn't dispute him.
He got real talkative and kinder bragged on how much money he wuz
makin', said he'd bought a place up in Harlem, and sez he, "I've got
another auto for pleasure drivin'."
Sez I, "_Is_ it pleasure to drive a car through such crowded places as
we've been through to-day?"
And he said it wuz, if folks wouldn't act mean. Sez he, "Last Sunday I
took my wife out in the country and a old man in a buggy kep' right in
front of me and wouldn't turn out, and I had to squeeze through
between him and the ditch."
"Did you git through safe?" sez I.
"Yes, I did, but I had to bend my mud guard right up agin his hoss's
side and scraped the skin raw, and raked its collar off."
"What did the old man say?" sez I.
"I never heard such language out of the mouth of man, and of course as
a deacon I couldn't listen to such profanity, so I hurried right
away."
"Hadn't you ort to return the hoss collar, Deacon?"
"Oh no, I couldn't stop to listen to such wicked talk."
That wuz jest like deacon Gansy; he thought he wuz awful religious but
I always felt dubersome about it.
But on we went through the matchless beauty of the drive. And anon we
ketched a view of the blue tostin' waves of the Atlantic, the air jest
as fresh and invigoratin' as when it blowed unto Columbuses weary
foretop when he discovered us. And like his dantless cry to his
fearful pilot, so my soul echoed the same cry to my deprestin' fears:
"Sail on, and on, and on," to the goal of our own desires. Our two
quests wuz some different, he wuz seekin' a new continent and I an old
Josiah. But I knowed the Atlantic breezes never blowed on two more
determined and noble linements than hisen and mine. And I felt that we
would have been real congenial if he hadn't died too soon, or I been
born too late.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE CURIOUS SIGHTS I SEEN AN' THE HAIR-RAISIN' EPISODES I UNDERWENT IN
MY AGONIZIN' SEARCH FOR MY PARDNER
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE CURIOUS SIGHTS I SEEN AN' THE HAIR-RAISIN' EPISODES I UNDERWENT
IN MY AGONIZIN' SEARCH FOR MY PARDNER
Bildad's folks wuz glad to see me. They visited us jest before they
moved there, so I felt free. But not one word did I say about my quest
for Josiah. No, such is woman's deathless devotion to the man she
loves, I'd ruther face the imputation of frivolity and friskiness, and
I spoze they think to this day I went to Coney Island out of curosity
and Pleasure Huntin', instead of the lofty motives that actuated me. I
knowed Bildad's wife wuz most bed-rid so I would be free to conduct my
search with no gossip or slurs onto Josiah.
And another reason for goin' there: I knowed the savin' sperit of my
pardner, and I thought he would ruther git a free meal than to keep
his incognito incog. And sure enough Bildad's first words wuz, "Why
didn't you come with Josiah yesterday? He wuz here to dinner."
"Where is he now?" sez I.
Sez Bildad, "The last time I see him he wuz startin' to take a trip to
the Moon."
Oh what a shock that wuz, Josiah goin' to the moon; and yet even as he
spoke I felt a relief, knowin' man's fickle nater, that the only
inhabitant I ever hearn on in the moon wuz an old man instead of a
woman. For few indeed are the men that will stand without hitchin,'
and as for girl blinders, they won't wear 'em, much as they need 'em
from the cradle to the grave.
"When wuz he layin' out to return?" sez I in a tremblin' voice.
"Oh they take trips there every half hour."
Thinks I, to-day I go there myself, and Josiah Allen will come down to
earth agin' if I know myself. But not one word did I say to demean my
pardner. Breakfast wuz ready and I sot down. But my emotions filled me
up. I couldn't seem to have any place for meat vittles, I couldn't eat
anything but some bread and butter and a glass of milk. A female
settin' by me sez, "You're not goin' to eat loose milk, are you?"
"Loose!" sez I, "Why should milk be tied up? I never wuz afraid
on't."
"I mean milk that hain't bottled," sez she. "I wouldn't eat loose
milk for the world." And she being enthusiastick gin a long eulogy of
the good men who wuz tryin' to save poor babies by givin' 'em pure
milk, and she talked bitter about the men who opposed the idee for
fear it would pauperize the babies.
And I told her it wouldn't make much difference with the babies
pizened by microby milk whether they died pauperized or onpauperized.
Well, I didn't know whether the milk wuz loose or tight, but I eat it
rapidly, so's to begin my hunt. I'd slep' some on the cars, and when I
had changed my parmetty waist for a brown gingham shirt waist, and
washed my face, and brushed back my hair, I wuz ready to start. The
room they gin me wuz so small I thought I would have to go out in the
hall to change my mind. But I did manage to change my waist. Bildad's
old colored woman wuz singin' as she made the bed in the next room
that old him "Pull for the Shore." She sung:
"Pull for the shore, brother,
Pull for the shore,
Heed not the rollin' pins,
Bend to the oar--
Leave the poor old straddled wreck
And pull for the shore."
She didn't git the words right, but her voice wuz melogious, and as I
listened my soul parodied the words to suit my needs. Yes, I felt that
I must "bend to the oar" of my purpose, I must not "heed the rollin'
waves" of weariness and anxiety, must leave "the poor old stranded
wreck" of my domestic happiness and security and pull for Josiah.
Luny Park wuz only a few steps from Bildad's and anon I stood before
what seemed to be a great city, gorgeous below and way up above the
thronged streets and mountains and flower-decked declivities, endless
white towers riz up as if callin' attention to 'em. And I didn't know
but the place had been lied about, and I asked a bystander if any of
'em wuz meetin' house steeples.
He laughed in derision at me, and I passed on and come to a lot of
girls dressed up in red, and settin' in chariots like them old Roman
females used to go to war in. I asked one on 'em if she wuz layin' out
to go to Mexico, and she replied "Ten cents," and shoved out a piece
of paper to me.
[Illustration: "_I stood before what seemed to be a great city. Endless
white towers riz up as if callin' attention to 'em._"
(_See page 226_)]
I see she wuz luny as the park, but didn't argy, and passed on furder
when a man out of a row of great tall men dressed in red, took the
piece of paper from me. He took it right out of my hand, and if there
is anything wrong goin' on between him and the girl that gin it to me
I hain't to blame, and want it understood that I hain't.
Anon I see a dancin' pavilion big enough for all the folks in
Jonesville and Zoar to dance in at one time. But I never thought of
dancin' or two-steppin' myself, though the music wuz enticin' to them
easy enticed. But knowin' the infinite variety of fads my pardner had
indulged in, I cast some searchin' glances at the dancers and
two-steppers as I went past, but to my relief I see that he wuz not
among 'em.
On the left side, as I strolled along, I see a big butcher shop, with
hull sides of beef, mutton, pork, hams, chickens, etc., hangin' up.
And a long counter, piled full of invitin' lookin' pieces ready to
roast or brile. The butcher in a clean white apron stood behind the
counter. Everything looked good and clean, but I'd hearn of city meat
givin' toe main pizen, and knowin' Josiah's fondness for meat
vittles--I asked anxiously, "Are you sure the critters this meat come
from hadn't got cow consumption, or hog cholera?"
A friendly female standin' by said, "Every mite of that is candy."
And she offered me a piece of sassidge, and asked which I preferred,
wintergreen or peppermint.
I answered mekanically that I seasoned my sassidge with sage and
pepper. Agin she affirmed that everything in the butcher shop wuz
candy.
I didn't argy, but merely said, "It is enough to deceive the very
electioneers."
Sez she, "I spoze you mean politicians, and that's so, if they're
deceived anyone can be."
I wuz talkin' Bible but didn't explain, and walked onwards. The F. F.
(friendly female) come too, and pretty soon we come to what they
called a new-matic tube and the F. F. explained it to me, sez she,
"You are shet into a car made of iron and it runs with a deafenin'
roar into a dark tunnel, and all to once the car slides down twenty
feet and dashes through another dark tunnel and then comes out where
you went in. If it wuzn't for the dretful noise," sez she, "it would
seem like a grave. Don't you want to try it?"
"No, mom," sez I, "I shan't git into any coffin' and grave till my
time comes."
"Well," sez she, "I'm goin' into the Scenic Railway, won't you come
too?" And not wantin' to act hauty and high-headed I bought a ticket
and went in with her. It looked some like a great high rock with a
cavern hollered out, and a huge devil's head with a waterfall flowin'
out of its mouth. I knowed the devil couldn't hurt us as long as he
kep' his mouth full of water. So we got on a car with about ten other
folks and they locked us in and we went right up I calculated about
half a mild, though I didn't measure, and then we sailed off and first
I knew there wuz Havana Harbor, war ships, forts, etc., and the city.
But we didn't stop for refreshments, for all of a sudden down we went
probably half a mild right straight down. I ketched holt of the F. F.
and she ketched holt of me. When all to once we wuz to the North Pole,
ice, snow drifts, white bears, etc., surrounded us and a sign with Dr.
Cook on it.
The F. F. riz up and yelled to the conductor to stop. Sez she, "I want
to get out to the Pole, I want to discover it! I want to git my name
in the papers! I want to be talked about!" sez she.
We wuz goin' up a tremengous mountain, and he sez, "Set down or you
_will_ git your name in the death notices."
Whether he laid out to kill her I don't know, for she set down. And
jest then somebody yells, "Here we go down to the bottomless pit."
I sez to the F. F., "I can't believe it! 'Tain't so! It must be
Pugatory!"
But there wuz the sign, "Hell."
[Illustration: "_On we went under the waterfall, up, up, down, down,
and finally shot out jest where we got in._" (_See
page 232_)]
"Oh!" I groaned out in agony, "what have I ever done to merit this!
Have I ever been mean enough to Josiah?" But there they wuz, fiery
pits, big devils and little ones with pitchforks and darts, etc. Only
one thought assuaged my torment, my Josiah wuzn't there. But in a
minute up we went, up--up--and come out to an open place, where I see
what I thought wuz Heaven, but it wuz only Coney Island, but after
what I'd been through even that worldly frivolous spot looked heavenly
to me. On we went under the waterfall, up, up, down, down, through hot
countries and cold, and finally shot out jest where we got in.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I VISIT THE MOON, THE WITCHIN' WAVES, OPEN AIR CIRCUS, ADVISE THE
MONKEYS, MAKE THE MALE STATUTE LAUGH, BUT DO NOT FIND JOSIAH
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I VISIT THE MOON, THE WITCHIN' WAVES, OPEN AIR CIRCUS, ADVISE THE
MONKEYS, MAKE THE MALE STATUTE LAUGH, BUT DO NOT FIND JOSIAH
The Witching Waves is a track that moves up and down in waves.
Scientific folks say that it is a mechanical wonder. I couldn't see
how it wuz done. I couldn't make one to save my life. Folks git into
little automobiles and steer 'em themselves and first they know some
unseen power under 'em lifts the track right up, and of course their
car goes too with it. Then anon the track will go way down, and they
with it, mebby meetin' another car down there, and they will be all
mixed up, but first they know the track will hist up agin under 'em
and they have to foller it up agin. Dretful curious spot, well called
Witching Waves. But every owner of an auto sees curious times, and
feels witchin' waves, yes indeed!
Why, I hearn about a little girl who happened to hear a man swearin'
dretfully at sunthin and he apoligized.
"Oh," sez she, "I'm used to it, my papa owns a car." But 'tain't
necessary to swear at 'em, it don't do no good, besides the wickedness
on't.
[Illustration: THE WITCHING WAVES "_Folks get into little automobiles
and steer 'em themselves._" (_See page 235_)]
But jest as I wuz moralizin' on this, I hearn a bystander talkin'
about the Trip to the Moon. And rememberin' what Bildad said I sot out
for the air-ship that took folks there. To tell the truth, I'd always
hankered to see what wuz on the moon. Not to see that old man of the
moon (no, Josiah wuz my choice); but I always did want to know what
wuz on the other planets, and though I'm most ashamed to say it, after
all my talk agin Coney Island, yet if it hadn't been for the kankerin'
worm of anxiety knawin' at my vitals, I should have enjoyed myself
first rate as the air-ship sailed off, with a stately motion, for the
moon.
I had watched the passengers with a eagle vision but no Josiah
embarked, but the air-ship sailed off, the earth receeded, we wuz in
the clouds, anon we passed through a big thunder storm, I wuz almost
lost in thought watchin' sea and ocean when the captain called out:
"The Moon! the Moon!"
And we alighted and got off, I a-thinkin' what and who wuz I to see in
thet place I'd always hankered for. Strange shapes indeed, foreign to
our earth, birds, dragons, animals of most weird shape. Anon I see a
little figger, queer-lookin' as you might spoze. I accosted the little
Moony, my first words bein' not a question of deep historical
research, you would expect a woman with my noble brain would ask,
about that onexplored country. No, my head didn't speak, it wuz my
heart, that gushed forth in a agonized inquiry.
"Have you seen Josiah? Have you seen my beloved pardner? Is he in the
moon?"
His words in reply wuz in moon language, nothin' I ever hearn in
Jonesville or Zoar, and anon he begun to sing in that moony language,
and I see I wuz wastin' time, I must conduct my quest myself.
But oh, the seens I passed through! And oh, the queer moon landscapes!
the queer moony animals and moon creeters I passed! But all in vain,
no Josiah blessed my longin' vision. And with my brain turnin' over
and my heart achin', I agin entered the air-ship and returned to terry
cotta; or mebby I hain't got it right in my agitation, mebby I'd ort
to say visey versey. 'Tennyrate I found myself out in Luny Park agin.
Well, what wuz to be my next move? Fur up a steep hite I see water
pourin' down a deep abyss and a boat full of men and wimmen set out
from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin' and
dashed 'way out in the water on the other side of the bridge where I
wuz standin'; but my idol wuz not among 'em.
I see a great checker-board raised up, so big it wuz played with human
creeters instead of beans or kernels of corn. But no Josiah wuz there
movin' and jumpin', or bein' jumped as the case might be.
[Illustration: "_A boat full of men and women set out from the highest
peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin' and dashed
'way out on the other side of the bridge._" (_See
page 238_)]
On one side riz up a high mountain full of green shrubs and flowers,
and windin' round and round from the bottom clear to the top, went
cars filled with men and wimmen, boys and girls, up, up, down, down,
as fur as from our house to Betsy Bobbet Slimpsey's; but no Josiah wuz
among the winders up or the winders down.
Even as I looked, a elephant passed me with stately tread, bearin' on
his richly ornamented back a small-sized man with a bald head; but it
wuzn't Josiah's baldness or his small, meachin' figger.
Two high tiers of balconies stretched along on one side, ornamented
off with white pillows and posies where folks could set and eat their
good meals, and enjoy the music and the never ceasing gayety. Beneath
'em, above 'em and beyond 'em, as fur as they could, see, towers,
pinnacles, battlements, steeples, palms, flowers, color, light, music,
and the endless, endless procession of pleasure hunters passin' below.
Rich men, poor men, wimmen in satin and serge, shiffon and calico,
babies, boys and girls.
I made the calculation that about a million folks could be
accommodated on them balconies. I may have got one or two too many; I
didn't stop to count.
Lower down run a low, ornamented ruff, coverin' hundreds of little
tables where folks could set and git soft drinks and hard. The hard
drink's true to its name everyway. For when did the Whiskey Demon ever
turn out anything but hard, from the time it exhilerates the consumer
till it drives him away from love, home, friends, happiness, and at
last gives him a final hard push, sendin' him into a onlamented
grave!
But truly no one has time to moralize or eppisode to any extent amidst
the music, laughter and gay voices, the endless procession passin' by.
To most a seen of happiness, but to me they seemed like shadders; the
Reality of life, my beloved pardner, wuz lost, lost to me. A pleasant
lookin' female standin' by, seein' the emotion in my face, and wantin'
to cheer me up, I spoze, sez:
"Have you tried the Loop de Loop?"
I answered with a sad dignity, "Yes, I've done considerable tattin' in
my day."
"Mebby you'd like to try the Bump de Bump."
I sez, "No, I've enjoyed enough of that since comin' in here."
Sez she, "Have you seen the monkeys keepin' house?"
"No," sez I, "but I will." And sure enough, there wuz a big family of
monkeys housekeeping. Some eatin' dinner in the dining room, some
doin' different kinds of housework, sweepin', operatin' the dumb
waiter, payin' bills, etc. Some in the settin' room readin' the
newspaper. And there is a band of sixty monkey musicians. And I hearn
they're learnin' bridge whist; I wuz sorry to hear that, and I sez to
the oldest and wisest lookin' monkey:
"You'll sup sorrow if you go into bridge whist, gamblin' and wastin'
good daylight in civilized sports, when you might be hangin' from tree
tops, and chasin' each other 'round stumps, in a honest, oncivilized
way. If you don't look out your ladies will foller the example of the
Four Hundred and be thinkin' of a divorce and big alimony next."
He looked impressed by my noble anxiety on their behaff, but didn't
say nothin'. But mebby he'll hear to me. A little boy standin' by sez,
"Ma, Jimmy Bates sez that he and I and everybody descended from
monkeys--did I, ma?"
"I don't know," sez she, "I never knew much about your father's
family."
I didn't stay long at the Open Air Circus, though it wuz a big place
and sights goin' on there; bare-backed riders, Japanese jugglers and
acrobats, tight-rope walkers, elephants and camels with folks on their
backs, with Arabians and East Indians in their native costumes takin'
care of 'em.
Not fur off I see a male statute; lots of folks wuz congregated in
front of it, and I went up too, and I sez to a female bystander, "I
always did love to see statutes. But this one's linement is humblier
than most on 'em."
When if you'll believe it it turned round and sez, "Thank you, mom,
for the compliment." It acted mad.
Another man stood like a statute, and the woman I had spoke to sez,
"You can git a dollar if you can make that man laugh."
And I sez, "I can."
Sez she, "I don't believe it; I've read to him lots of the humorous
stories in the late magazines, and he looked fairly gloomy when I got
done."
And I sez, "I don't wonder at that, I do myself. They're awful
deprestin'."
And she sez, "I've held up in front of him the funny colored
supplements to the Sunday papers, and I thought he'd cry."
"Well," sez I, "I've pretty nigh shed tears over 'em myself, they made
me so onhappy."
"How be you goin' to make him laugh?" sez she.
"You watch me and see," sez I. So I went up to him and got his eye and
told him over a lot of laws our male statesmen have made, and are
makin'. License laws of different kinds, but all black as a coal. How
a little girl of twelve or fourteen, pronounced legally incapable of
buyin' or sellin' a sheep or a hen, can legally sell her virtue and
ruin her life. How pizen is licensed by law to make men break the law,
and then they are punished and hung by the law for doin' what the law
expected they would do.
How a woman can protect her dog by payin' a dollar, but can't protect
her boy with her hull property and her heart's blood. How mothers are
importuned by male statesmen to bring big families into a world full
of temptation and ruin, but have no legal rights to protect them from
the black dangers licensed by these law-makers.
His face looked so queer, I worried some thinkin' I should git him to
cryin' instead of laughin'; but I hurried and told him how our
statesmen would flare up now and then and turribly threaten the Mormon
who keeps on marryin' some new wives every little while, and then
elect him to Congress, and sculp his head on our warship to show
foreign nations that America approves of such doin's. And I told him
how girls and boys, hardly out of pantalettes and knee breeches, could
git married in five minutes, but have to spend months and money to
break the ties so easily made and prove they are morally fit to care
for the children born of that careless five minute ceremony.