off the parfenalia of travel, my gray alpacky, and havin' enrobed
myself in a domestic gingham of chocklate color and a bib apron, I
proceeded to help Philury git a good supper. The neighbors all flocked
in to see us and congratulate us on our safe return from the perils
and temptations of worldly society. And Josiah wuz indeed in his glory
as he told the various deacons and church pillows that gathered round
him from time to time, of all his fashionable experiences and
dangerous exploits while absent.
Of course my time wuz more took up by my female friends, but anon or
oftener I would ketch the sound of figgers in connection with fish
that wuz astoundin' in the extreme. But when I would draw nigh the
subject would be turned and the attention of the pillows would be
drawed off onto yots, summer hotels, Tabernacles, etc., etc. Well such
is life. But anon the waves of excitement floatin' out insensibly from
the vortex in which we had so lately revolved round in, gradually
abated and went down, and the calm placid surface of life in
Jonesville wuz all we could see as we looked out of our turret
winders--(metafor).
Gradually the daily excitement of seein' the milk cans pass morning
and night, and the school children go whoopin' schoolward and
homeward, wuz the most highlarious excitement participated in. A few
calm errents of borryin' tea and spice, now and then a tin peddler and
a agent, or a neighborhood tea drinkin', wuz all that interrupted our
days serene.
And old Miss Time, that gray headed old weaver, who is never still,
but sets up there in that ancient loom of hern a weavin', while her
pardner is away mowin' with that sharp scythe of hisen from mornin'
till night, and from night till mornin', jest so stiddy did she keep
on weavin'. Noiseless and calm would the quiet days pass into her old
shuttle (which is jest as good to-day as it wuz at the creation).
Silent days, quiet days, in a broad stripe, not glistenin' or shiny,
but considerable good-lookin' after all. Then anon variegated with
moon lit starry nights, blue skies, golden sunsets, deep dark,
moonless midnights, all shaded off into soft shadders.
And then givin' way to a stripe of hit or miss, restless hours, days
when the "Fire won't burn the stick and the kid refuses to go," small
excitements, frustrated ambitions, etc.
Anon a broad gray stripe, monotony, deadly monotony, and lonesomeness,
gray as a rat both on 'em, all loosely twisted together makin' a wide
melancholy stripe. Then a more flowery piece, golden moments, mounts
of soul transfiguration, full understandin', divine hopes and
raptures, heart talks, illuminations, all striped in with images of
golden rod, evergreen trees pintin' up into the friendly blue heavens,
that leaned down so clost you could almost see into the Sweet Beyond.
Singin' rivulets, soarin' birds, green fields, rosy clouds. Anon a
plain piece, some slazy, as the shuttle seemed to go slower and kinder
lazy, and then agin quick strong beats that made the web firm as
iron.
Mebby that wuz the time that old Mr. Time hung up that old scythe of
hisen for a few minutes on the top bars of the loom, and got in and
footed it out for his pardner for a spell, while she rested her old
feet or wound her bobbins for another stripe. But such idees are
futile, futiler than I often mean to be. 'Tennyrate and anyway all the
time, all the time the shuttles moved back and forth to and fro, and
old Miss Time's tapestry widened out.
That summer my pardner had a oncommon good streak of luck, he sold two
colts and a yearlin' heifer for a price that fairly stunted us both,
it wuz so big. And his crops turned out dretful well, and he jest laid
up money by the handfuls as you may say. And one day we wuz talkin'
about what extreme good luck we'd had for the past year, and we also
talked considerable about Tirzah Ann and little Delight, and how they
wuz both pimpin' and puny. The older children away to school wuz doin'
first rate both in health and studies, but Tirzah Ann's health wuz
such that Whitfield had to keep a girl and pay doctor's bills, and I
sez to Josiah:
"I am sorry for 'em as I can be, and if this goes on much longer there
don't seem much chance of Whitfield's buildin' his house on Shadow
Island this summer."
And Josiah sez, "No indeed! if he can pay the doctor's bills and help,
he will do well. But," sez he, "he is goin' to have quite a good job
up to his folkses."
His uncle, Jotham Minkley, who is forehanded and a ship builder up in
Maine, had invited Whitfield to come and take charge of some bizness
for him, and he said he must bring Tirzah Ann and Delight. So it wuz
arranged that they wuz goin' to stay for some time. We all thought the
change would do Tirzah Ann good, and then Whitfield had been promised
good pay for his work. And then wuz the time I tackled my pardner on
the subject I had thought over so long. He looked so sort o' mournful
over the hard times Whitfield wuz havin', and Tirzah Ann's and
Delight's enjoyment of poor health, that I thought now wuz the
appinted time for me to onfold this subject to him. This idee wuz that
while Whitfield and Tirzah Ann wuz away up to Maine we should build a
pretty little house for 'em on Shadow Island. "For," sez I, "the
health and life of Tirzah Ann and Delight may hang in the balances,
and if anything will help 'em I believe that dear old Saint Lawrence
will." But Josiah demurred strongly on account of the expense. In fact
I had to use some of my strongest arguments to convince him of the
feasibility of my plans.
One of my arguments wuz that in all probability all our property would
before long descend onto the children, and so why not use some now for
'em, while they wuz sufferin' for the use on't. That wuz one of my
arguments, and my other one wuz, that he couldn't take any of his
property with him. But he had got kinder mad and when I told him in a
solemn tone, "Josiah Allen, you know you can't take any of your
property with you when you die," he snapped out, "I don't know whether
I can or not; it won't be as _you_ say about it."
"Well," sez I, in lofty axents and quotin' Skripter, "there is only
one way you can take your property with you, and that is to send it on
before you. Make friends with the Mammon of your wealth so that when
you fail here it may receive you into a everlastin' habitation. Turn
it into angels of Gratitude and Love that may be waitin' to welcome
you. Do good with your money. Lend to the Lord," sez I.
And Josiah wuz so pudgicky, he snapped out, "I didn't know as the Lord
wanted to borry any money."
But I gin him such a talkin' to that I brung him to a sense of his
sinful talk, and right then while he wuz conscience smut for as much
as seven minutes, I brung him round to the idee of buildin' the house.
But it wuz a gradual bringin'.
Of course he begged and beseeched to build it on Coney Island. Sez
he, "I wouldn't begrech the money but spend it lavish, if the house
sot there. I could go there and spend months and months of perfect
bliss, and learn more there in one day than I could in years in
Jonesville."
"Where would you build it?" sez I in frosty axents.
"Well, the top of one of them tall mountains in Luna Park Serenus
tells on would be a good spot, near the beautiful waterfall where the
boats full of happy Hilariors dash down the steep declivity and bound
way off onto the water and sail away. The view would be so lively and
inspirin', it would be equal to havin' a brass band in your bedroom."
"Yes, jest about like that," sez I. "Do you know what them mountains
are made of? They're jest about as solid as your idees."
"Well, I might build it on the other side of Surf Avenue, nigh that
long line of dashin' horses Serenus depicters, that go racin' and
cavortin' round and round, bearin' the gay and happy Hilariors on
their backs."
"How much do you spoze a lot would cost there, Josiah, if you wuz
ravin' crazy enough to want it? All the property in Jonesville
wouldn't buy a spot big as a table cloth, and I d'no as it would a
towel."
"Well," sez he real sulky, "I can let my mind dwell on it, can't I?
That is some comfort."
"I wouldn't think on't too much, you don't want to tire your mind, it
hain't over strong, you know."
It beats all how sometimes when you are doin' your very best for your
pardners, they don't like it. He acted huffy.
But at last it wuz settled, Tirzah Ann's cottage wuz to be begun the
minute they left, it wuz to be kep secret from 'em, and we wuz to have
a surprize party there, to welcome 'em home. Well, from the very day
it wuz settled begun my trials with Josiah Allen about the plan. My
idee wuz to employ a first rate architect, but he sez:
"I can tell you, Mom, if that plan is made I shall make it. There
hain't an architect in the country that could begin with me in drawin'
up this plan." Oh how I sithed and groaned when I see his sotness, and
knowed he wuz no more fit for the job than our old steer to give music
lessons on the banjo.
He went to the village that afternoon and obtained two long blank
books (oh that they could have stayed blank) and three quires of
fool's cap paper (well named) and a bottle of red ink and one of blue
ink, besides black, and a dozen pencils of different colors, and after
these elaborate preparations he begun drawin' up his plans.
He would roll up his sleeves, moisten his hands, and go to work early
in the mornin', and set and pour over 'em all day, every stormy day,
and every night he sot up so late goin' over 'em that he most
underminded his health, to say nothin' of the waste of my temper and
kerseen. And then he would call in uncle Nate Peedick and they would
bend their two gray bald heads together and talk about
"specifications" and "elevations" and "ground plans" and "suller
plans" till my head seemed to turn and my brain seemed most as soft as
theirn.
[Illustration: "_And then he would call in Uncle Nate Peedick and they
would bend their two gray bald heads and talk about
specifications and elevations till my brain seemed most as
soft as theirn._" (_See page 195_)]
And sometimes Serenus Gowdey would be called in to aid in their
deliberations, though their talk always led off onto Coney Island and
rested there, he didn't git no other idees out of him. Josiah never
called on a woman for advice and counsel, not once, though a woman
stood nigh him who wuz eminently qualified to pass a first class
judgment on the plan. But no, it wuz males only who gin him their
deepest thoughts and counsels. Once in awhile I would ask how many
stories he wuz layin' out to have it, and how big it wuz goin' to be,
and every time I asked him he said:
"Wimmen's minds wuz too weak to comprehend his views. It took a man's
mind to tackle such a subject and throw it."
And that would mad me so that it would be some time before I would ask
him agin, and then curosity would git the better of me and I would ask
him agin sunthin' about it, but his reply wuz always the same:
"Wimmen's minds wuz too weak and tottlin' to tackle the subject." So
all the light I could git wuz to hear him talk it over with some man.
I see that there wuz a great difference of opinion between 'em.
Josiah, true father of Tirzah Ann, seemed anxious mainly to unite
display and cheapness. Uncle Nate seemed more for solidity and
comfort. Sez Josiah to him:
"It is my idee to have the house riz up jest as high as the timbers
will stand, the main expense anyway is the foundation and floorin' and
I would rise up story after story all ornamented off beautiful and
cheap, basswood sawed off in pints makes beautiful ornaments, and what
a show it would make round the country, and what air you could git up
in the seventh or eight story."
So he would go on and argy, regardless of common sense or Tirzah Ann's
legs. And then Uncle Nate would reply:
"Josiah, safety lays on the ground, and in this climate more liable
each year to tornadoes and cyclones, the only safety lays in spreadin'
out on the ground. Build only one story," sez he, "and a low one at
that, and let it spread out every way as much as it wants to."
"But," sez Josiah, "to have every room on the bottom would take up all
the lot and lap over into the river."
"Better do that," sez Uncle Nate, "than to have your children and
grand-children blowed away. Safety is better than sile," sez he
solemnly. And then I hearn 'em talkin' about a travelin' woodhouse.
Josiah advoctated the idee of havin' the woodhouse made in the form of
a boat, only boarded up like a house, and have big oars fixed onto the
sides on't so's it could be used as a boat, and a house. Sez he:
"How handy it would be to jest onmoor the woodhouse and row over to
the main land and git the year's stock of wood, and then row back
agin, cast anchor and hitch it onto the house agin." But Uncle Nate
demurred. He thought the expense would be more than the worth of usin'
it once a year.
"Once a year!" sez Josiah. "You forgit how much kindlin' wood a woman
uses." Sez he, "When she that wuz Arvilly Nash worked here I believe
we used a woodhouse full a day. If we had a floatin' woodhouse here,
we should had to embark on it once a day at least and load it up with
shavin's and kindlin' wood. Samantha is more eqinomical," sez he.
"But," sez Uncle Nate, "I hearn that Whitfield's folks wuz layin' out
to use a coal oil stove durin' the summer."
Josiah's face fell. "So they be," sez he.
But he wuz loath to give up this floatin' woodhouse and went on:
"How handy it would be for a picnic, jest fill the woodhouse full of
Highlariers and set off, baskets, bundles and all. It would do away
with parasols; no jabbin' 'em into a man's eyes, or proddin' his ears
with the pints of umbrells. Or on funeral occasions," sez he, "jest
load the mourners right in, onhitch the room and sail off. Why it
would be invaluable."
But Uncle Nate wuz more conservative and cautious. He sez, "What if it
should break loose in the night and start off by itself? It would be
a danger to the hull river. How would boats feel to meet a woodhouse?
It would jam right into 'em and sink 'em--sunk by a woodhouse! It
wouldn't sound well. And row boats would always be afraid of it,
they'd be thinkin' it would be liable to come onto 'em at any time
onbeknown to 'em, 'twouldn't have no whistle or anything."
"Yes it would," sez Josiah hautily; "I laid out to fix it somehow with
a whistle."
"But it couldn't whistle itself if it sot off alone."
"Well," sez Josiah, scratchin' his head, "I hain't got that idee quite
perfected, but I might have a self actin' whistle, a stationary self
movin' gong, or sunthin' of that kind." But I didn't wait to hear any
more; I left the room, and I shouldn't wonder if I shet the door
pretty hard.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE, AND
DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE,
AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.
Wall the next evenin', Josiah would make the plan all over, would rub
out red marks and put in blue ones, and then rub 'em out with his
thumb and fore finger, and then anon, forgittin' himself, he'd rub his
forward with the same fingers, till he looked like a wild Injun
started for war. And he would sithe heart breakin' sithes, and moisten
his hands in his mouth, and roll up his shirt sleeves, and toil and
toil till he seemed to git a new plan made after Uncle Nate's idees,
as squatty and curous lookin' as I ever see as I glanced at it in a
cursory way. And he would work at that till some new man come round
with some new idee and then he would (goin' through with all the
motions and acts I have depictered) make a new one. And so it went on
till finally in the fullness of time Josiah produced a dockument
which he said wuz the finest plan ever drawed up in America.
Sez he, "I have at last reached perfection."
"I spoze you'll let me see it now it is finished," I sez.
"Yes," sez he, "I've always been willin' to give you all the chances I
could of improvin' and enlargin' your mind, all that a woman's mind is
strong enough to bear. I am willin', Samantha, that you should look at
it and admire it, now it is too late for you to advocate any
changes."
Sez I coldly, "If I am goin' to see the plan, bring it on."
He laid it before me with a hauty linement and stood off a few steps
to admire it. It wuz drawed up handsome, with little ornaments in blue
and yeller ink runnin' all round the porticos and piazzas, which wuz
in red ink. But on a closer perusal I sez to him:
"What room is this where the walls and ceilin' are all ornamented off
so?"
"The settin' room," sez he.
Sez I, "Where are the winders?"
"The winders?" sez he, lookin' closter at it.
"Yes," sez I, "as the ornaments are all fastened on now there hain't
no winders and no room for any."
"By thunder!" sez he, the second time in my life that I ever hearn him
use that wicked swear word.
And I sez, "I should think you would be afraid to be so profane, you a
deacon and a grand-father!"
But he paid no attention to my remarks, but sez agin out loud and
strong, "By thunder! I forgot the winders."
"You profane man you!" sez I, pintin' to another room, "what room is
this?"
Sez he in a lower and more mortified tone, "It is the parlor."
Sez I, "How be you goin' to git out of this room if you wuz built into
it? There hain't no door nor no place for one. You couldn't git out of
the room unless you climbed up through the chimbly and emerged onto
the ruff, and," sez I, "there hain't a sign of a stairway to git up
into the chambers, nor no chamber doors."
But all the answer my pardner made wuz to snatch up the paper and tear
it right through the middle, and sez he, "There, I hope you're
satisfied now! it is all your doin's!"
Sez I, "How, Josiah?" I spoke with calmness, for a long life passed by
the side of a man had taught me this great truth, that every man from
Adam to Josiah will blame a woman for every mistake and blunder they
make, no matter of what name or nater, from bringin' sin into the
world, to bustin' off a shirt button.
So I sez with composure, "How did I do it, Josiah?"
"Well," sez he, "the day I finished that plan you had company, and you
and Miss Gowdey and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury kep' up such a
confounded clackin' that a man couldn't hear himself think!"
Sez I, "Josiah, you finished the plan the next day."
"Well," sez he, "I kep' thinkin' of the clack. Now," sez he, "I'm
goin' to build a house by rote and not by note. I will git me away
from wimmen, and when I'm on the lot with the timber before me, my
mind will work clear."
Sez I, "Do hear to me now; do git a good builder to lay out the plan,
one that knows how."
"Well, I shan't do no such thing!"
Sez I, "Then do git a first rate carpenter!"
"No, Samantha, I shan't git any man to be bossin' me round. I shall
git some humble man that knows enough to drive a nail, to carry out
my views and be guided by me. There is so much jealousy in every walk
of life now, that when a man that shows originality and genius comes
forth from the masses, there is immegiately a desire to keep him back
and hide his talents." Sez he, "I'm afraid of this sperit so I am
goin' to git a man that can do what I tell him and ask no questions;
in these conditions," sez he, "I can swing right out and do justice to
myself."
"Then you do have some few fears about your plans yourself?"
Sez he, "Let me once git into a place where my mind can work, I'll
show what I can do, let me once git away from meddlin' and clack."
But that night of his own accord (I'd had a uncommon good supper) he
acted real affectionate and more confidentialer than he had for weeks,
an' he sez, "There is one thing, Samantha, I'm bound to have, and that
is a mullin' winder."
"A what?" sez I. "A mullin winder; what is that?"
"Why a winder made out of mullins," sez he hautily.
Sez I, "How do you make it? Mullin leaves are thick and the stalks
tougher than fury, how do you make winders out of 'em?"
"That," sez he proudly, "is the work of a architect to take stalks of
the humble mullin and transfer it into a tall and stately winder."
Sez I, "I don't believe it can be done. How would you go to work to do
it?"
Sez he, "It would be fur from me, Samantha, to muddle up a woman's
brains any more than they be muddled naturally, tryin' to inform her
how this is done. I only say there will be a mullin' winder in the
house."
Sez I, "Hain't you goin' to have a bay winder?"
"That depends on whether there will be room for the bay. But as to the
ventilation, on that pint my plans are made. I believe a house should
be ventilated to the bottom instead of the top. Air goes up instead of
down, a house should be ventilated from the mop boards, I think some
of havin' em open like a trap door to let the air through. Sime
Bentley sez have a row of holes bored right through the sides of the
house to let in the air, and when you didn't want to use 'em plug 'em
up, when you want a little air take out one stopple, when you want a
good deal take out a hull row of plugs. That's a good idee," sez
Josiah, "but I convinced him that it lacked one important thing, the
air didn't come up from the bottom as I consider it necessary for
health and perfect ventilation."
Sez I dryly, "You might have the holes bored through into the suller!"
My tone wuz as irony as a iron tea-kettle, but he didn't perceive it.
"That is a woman's idee," sez he, "rip up a breadth of carpet every
time you want a little air, keep a man down on his knee jints the hull
of the time tackin' down carpets and ontackin' 'em. Nothin' ever made
a woman so happy as to see a man down on his marrer bones tackin' down
a carpet, unless it is seein' him takin' it up and luggin' it
outdoors, histin' it up on a line and beatin' it. No, my idee is the
only right one, ventilate from the mop boards."
Well, true to his hauty resolution to not share his grand success and
triumph with anybody he went the next day and hired a man by the name
of Penstock. He had been a good carpenter in his day, but his brain
had kinder softened, yet he could work quite fast, and sez Josiah:
"He's jest the man for me. He won't be jealous, he will carry out my
views and not steal my plans or my credit. There is a lumber dealer
out to the Cape owin' me for a horse, and I propose to buy of him and
have the things landed at Shadow Island." Sez he, "I am a solid
influential man, and they will send the boards and charge 'em to me,
or send 'em C. O. W."
"C. O. W.?" sez I. "What do you mean by that?"
"Oh," sez he, "that's a bizness phrase wimmen don't understand, we men
use it often."
"But what duz it mean? Most things mean sunthin', at least they do in
wimmen's bizness."
"Well, I don't want to muddle up your head with such things, Samantha,
but if you must know, it means Collect All Winter, meanin' that I can
have till spring to pay it up."
"How do you spell all?" sez I.
"Why o-w-l of course."
And I sez, "With wimmen that spells owl, a bird that pertends to great
wisdom but don't know anything. Send your things C. O. W. by all
means!" sez I wore out. "Send 'em along and spell your all, o-w-l. I
think it is a highly figurative and appropriate expression."
"Well, that is what I thought you would say as fur as you could see
into it," sez he hautily, and in the same axent he asked me if I had
packed up a extra pair of socks for him.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IN WHICH JOSIAH AND SERENUS DEPART SARAHUPTISHUSLY FOR CONEY ISLAND
AND I START IN PURSUIT
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IN WHICH JOSIAH AND SERENUS DEPART SARAHUPTISHUSLY FOR CONEY ISLAND
AND I START IN PURSUIT
That afternoon I see Josiah and Serenus leanin' on the barnyard fence
talkin' dretful earnest, I spozed about the Plan. But when I went to
put my milk pans in the sun I hearn the same old story Coney Island!
Dreamland! Luny! Bowery! etc., and I hurried into the house. When
Josiah come in he sez, "I guess I'll invite Serenus to go with me."
Sez I, "Why should you invite him to go to Shadow Island?"
"Oh he's got such good judgment," sez he.
I felt dubersome, but bein' so mellered in sperit by his consentin' to
build the cottage I didn't stand out. And they started the next
mornin' at sunrise for Shadow Island as I spozed. Till the next day
but one Miss Gowdey come over to borry a drawin' of tea and she sez,
"Serenus and Josiah are havin' a gay time at Coney Island. I've jest
had a card from Serenus."