wimmen without representation, and then spend millions rasin' statutes
to our forefathers for fightin' agin the same thing. And how statesmen
trust wimmen with their happiness, their lives and their honor, but
deny 'em the rights they give to wicked men, degenerates, and men
whose heads are so soft a fly will slump in if it lights on 'em. To
such men (as well as better ones) they give the right to govern the
wimmen they love, their good inteligent wives and mothers, rule 'em
through life, and award punishment and death to 'em.
"And such men," sez I, "say wimmen don't know enough to vote."
The very idee wuz so weak and inconsistent that it made the man
statute hysterical, and he bust out into a peal of derisive laughter,
and I took my dollar and walked off, though I knowed enough could be
said on this subject to make a stun statute hystericky. I lay out to
send the dollar to the W. C. T. U.
Jest after this I met Bildad, and he sez, "I jest see Josiah; he wuz
in Steeple Chase Park, talkin' with some girls there."
I didn't wait to ask what they wuz talkin' about, I hoped it wuz
religion, but felt dubersome, and hurried there fast as I could. I
crossed the automobile track where crowded cars wuz runnin' all the
while round and round, past the rows of big high headed mettlesome
hosses (this is a pun; they wuz made of metal).
But I passed 'em all as if they wuzn't there; for my mind wuz all took
up with the thought, should I find my pardner there talkin' with them
girls, and if so, what would be the subject of their conversation?
Josiah is sound; but the best of men have weak spots in their armor
which the glance of a bright eye will oft-times pierce through and do
damage. So, to protect my dear pardner from danger, I pressed forward
and wuz let in by a good-lookin' man for twenty-five cents. He gin me
a paper locket and told me to be sure and not lose it. It had a man's
face on it, and I d'no but he thought I would treasure it on account
of that.
I didn't argy with him, but jest looked him coldly in the face and
sez, "I am no such a woman, I have got a pardner of my own, though I
can't put my hand on him this minute." And I passed on.
[Illustration: "_Rows of high-headed mettlesome hosses._"]
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
THE WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS SIGHTS I SAW IN STEEPLE CHASE PARK, AND
MY SEARCH THERE FOR MY PARDNER
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
THE WONDERFUL AND MYSTERIOUS SIGHTS I SAW IN STEEPLE CHASE PARK, AND
MY SEARCH THERE FOR MY PARDNER
Steeple Chase Park is most as big as Luny Park, but is mostly one huge
buildin' covered with glass, and every thing on earth or above, or
under the earth, is goin' on there, acres and acres of amusements
(so-called) in one glass house.
As I went in, I see a immense mirror turnin' round and round seemin'ly
invitin' folks to look. But as I glanced in, I tell the truth when I
say, I wuzn't much bigger round than a match, and the thinness made me
look as tall as three on me.
"Oh," sez I, "has grief wore my flesh away like this? If it keeps on I
shan't dast to take lemonade, for fear I shall fall into the straw and
be drowned."
A bystander sez, "Look agin, mom!"
I did and I wuzn't more'n two fingers high, and wide as our barn
door.
I most shrieked and sez to myself, "It has come onto me at last, grief
and such doin's as I've seen here, has made me crazy as a loon." And I
started away almost on a run.
All of a sudden the floor under me which looked solid as my kitchen
floor begun to move back and forth with me and sideways and back, to
and fro, fro and to, and I goin' with it, one foot goin' one way, and
the other foot goin' somewhere else; but by a hurculaneum effort I
kep' my equilebrium upright, and made out to git on solid floorin'.
But a high-headed female in a hobble skirt, the hobbles hamperin her,
fell prostrate. I felt so shook up and wobblin' myself, I thought a
little Scripter would stiddy me, and I sez, "Sinners stand on slippery
places."
"I see they do!" she snapped out, lookin' at me; "but I can't!"
I sez to myself as I turned away, "I'll bet she meant me." But bein'
tuckered out, I sot down on a reliable-lookin' stool, the high-headed
woman takin' another one by my side--there wuz a hull row of folks
settin' on 'em--when, all of a sudden, I d'no how it wuz done or why,
but them stools all sunk right down to the floor bearin' us with 'em
onwillin'ly.
I scrambled to my feet quick as I could, and as I riz up I see right
in front on me the gigantick, shameless female Bildad had as good as
told me Josiah had been flirtin' with. I knowed her to once, the
gaudy, flashin' lookin' creeter, bigger than three wimmen ort to be;
she wuz ten feet high if she wuz a inch. As she come up to me with
mincin' steps, I sez to her in skathin' axents:
"What have you done with my innocent pardner? Where is Josiah Allen?
Open your guilty breast and confess." And now I'm tellin' the livin'
truth, as she towered up in front on me, her breast did open and a
man's face looked out on me. My brain tottled, but righted itself with
relief, for it wuz not Josiah; it wuz probable some other woman's
husband. But I sez to myself, let every woman take care of her own
husband if she can; it hain't my funeral.
And I hurried off till I come out into a kinder open place with some
good stiddy chairs to set down on, and some green willers hangin' down
their verdant boughs over some posy beds. Nothin' made up about 'em.
Oh how good it looked to me to see sunthin' that God had made, and man
hadn't dickered with and manufactured to seem different from what it
wuz. Thinks I, if I should take hold of one of these feathery green
willer sprays it wouldn't turn into a serpent or try to trip me up, or
wobble me down. They looked beautiful to me, and beyond 'em I could
see the Ocean, another and fur greater reality, real as life, or
death, or taxes, or anything else we can't escape from.
[Illustration: "_I'm tellin' the livin' truth, as she towered up in
front on me, her breast opened and a man's face looked out
on me._" (_See page 253_)]
Settin' there lookin' off on them mighty everlastin' waves, forever
flowin' back and forth, forth and back, the world of the flimsy and
the false seemed to pass away and the Real more nigh to me than it did
in the painted land of shams and onreality I had been passin' through.
And as I meditated on the disgraceful sight I had seen--that gaudy,
guilty creeter with a man concealed in her breast. For if it wuzn't a
guilty secret, why wuz the door shet and fastened tight, till the
searchlight of a woman's indignant eyes brought him to light?
Thinkin' it over calmly and bein' reasonable and just, my feelin's
over that female kinder softened down, and I sez to myself, what if
there wuz a open winder or door into all our hearts, for outsiders to
look in, what would they see? Curious sights, homely ones and
beautiful, happy ones and sorrowful, and some kinder betwixt and
between. Sacred spots that the nearest ones never got a glimpse on.
Eyes that look acrost the coffee pot at you every mornin' never
ketched sight on 'em, nor the ones that walk up and down in them
hidden gardens. Some with veiled faces mebby, some with reproachful
orbs, some white and still, some pert and sassy.
Nothin' wicked, most likely; nothin' the law could touch you for; but
most probable it might make trouble if them affectionate eyes opposite
could behold 'em, for where love is there is jealousy, and a lovin'
woman will be jealous of a shadder or a scare-crow. It is nateral
nater and can't be helped. But if she stopped to think on't, she
herself has her hid-away nooks in her heart, dark or pleasant
landscapes, full of them, you never ketch a glimpse on do the best you
can. And jealous curosity goes deep. What would Josiah see through my
heart's open door? What would I see in hisen? It most skairs me to
think on't. No, it hain't best to have open doors into hearts. Lots of
times it would be resky; not wrong, you know, but jest resky.
Thus I sot and eppisoded, lookin' off onto the melancholy ocean,
listenin' to her deep sithes, when onbid come the agonizin' thought,
"Had Josiah Allen backslid so fur and been so full of remorse and
despair, that his small delicate brain had turned over with him, and
he had throwed himself into the arms of the melancholy Ocean? Wuz her
deep, mournful sithes preparin' me for the heart-breakin' sorrow?" I
couldn't abear the thought, and I riz up and walked away. As I did so
a bystander sez, "Have you been up on the Awful Tower?"
"No," sez I, "I've been through awful things, enough, accidental like,
without layin' plans and climbin' up on 'em." But Hope will always
hunch Anxiety out of her high chair in your head and stand up on it. I
thought I would go upstairs into another part of the buildin' and
mebby I might ketch a glimpse of my pardner in the dense crowd below.
And if you'll believe it, as I wuz walkin' upstairs as peaceful as our
old brindle cow goin' up the south hill paster, my skirts begun to
billow out till they got as big as a hogsit. I didn't care about its
bein' fashion to not bulge out round the bottom of your skirts but
hobble in; but I see the folks below wuz laughin' at me, and it madded
me some when I hadn't done a thing, only jest walk upstairs peaceable.
And I don't know to this day what made my clothes billow out so.
But I went on and acrost to a balcony, and after I went in, a gate
snapped shet behind me and I couldn't git back. And when I got to the
other side there wuzn't any steps, and if I got down at all I had to
slide down. I didn't like to make the venter, but had to, so I tried
to forgit my specs and gray hair and fancy I wuz ten years old, in a
pig-tail braid, and pantalettes tied on with my stockin's, and sot
off. As I went down with lightnin' speed I hadn't time to think much,
but I ricollect this thought come into my harassed brain:
Be pardners worth all the trouble I'm havin' and the dretful
experiences I'm goin' through? Wouldn't it been better to let him go
his length, than to suffer what I'm sufferin'? I reached the floor
with such a jolt that my mind didn't answer the question; it didn't
have time.
All to once, another wind sprung up from nowhere seemin'ly, and tried
its best to blow off my bunnet. But thank Heaven, my good green braize
veil tied round it with strong lutestring ribbon, held it on, and I
see I still had holt of my trusty cotton umbrell, though the wind had
blowed it open, but I shet it and grasped it firmly, thinkin' it wuz
my only protector and safeguard now Josiah wuz lost, and I hastened
away from that crazy spot.
[Illustration: "_As I went down with lightnin' speed I had'nt time to
think much._" (_See page 258_)]
As I passed on I see a hull lot of long ropes danglin' down. On top of
'em wuz a trolley, and folks would hang onto the handle and slide
hundreds of feet through the air. But I didn't venter. Disinclination
and rumatiz both made me waive off overtures to try it.
Pretty soon I come to a huge turn-table, big as our barn floor. It wuz
still and harmless lookin' when I first see it, and a lot of folks got
onto it, thinkin' I spoze it looked so shiny and good they'd like to
patronize it. But pretty soon it begun to move, and then to turn
faster and faster till the folks couldn't keep their seats and one by
one they wuz throwed off, and went down through a hole in the floor I
know not where.
As I see 'em disappear one by one in the depths below, thinks I, is
that where Josiah Allen has disappeared to? Who knows but he is
moulderin' in some underground dungeon, mournin' and pinin' for me and
his native land. Of course Reason told me that he couldn't moulder
much in two days, but I wuz too much wrought up to listen to Reason,
and as I see 'em slide down and disappear, onbeknown to myself I spoke
out loud and sez:
"Can it be that Josiah is incarcerated in some dungeon below? If he
is, I will find and release him or perish with him."
A woman who looked as if she belonged there, hearn me and sez, "Who is
Josiah?" "My pardner," sez I, and I continued, "You have a kind face,
mom; have you seen him? Have you seen Josiah Allen?"
[Illustration: "_Pretty soon it begun to move and one by one they wuz
throwed off and went down I know not where._" (_See
page 260_)]
"Describe him," sez she, "there wuz a man here just now hunting for
some woman."
"Oh, he is very beautiful!"
"Young?" sez she.
"Well, no; about my age or a little older."
"Light complexion? Dark hair and eyes? Stylish dressed?"
"No, wrinkled complexion, bald, and what few hairs he's got, gray."
She smiled; she couldn't see the beauty Love had gilded his image
with.
Sez I, "If he's incarcerated in some dungeon below, I too will mount
the turn-table of torture, and share his fate or perish on the turn
table."
Sez she, "There is no dungeons below; the folks come out into a vast
place as big as this. There is just as much to see down there as there
is here, just as many people and just as much amusement."
"Amusement!" sez I in a holler voice.
After I left her, I see a whisk broom hangin' up in a handy place, and
it had a printed liebill on it, "This whisk broom free." And as my
parmetty dress had got kinder dusty a slidin' and wobblin' as I had
slode and wobbled, I went to brush off my skirt with it, when all of
a sudden somebody or sunthin' gin me a stunnin' blow right in my arm
that held the brush. I dropped it without waitin' to argy the matter,
and I don't know to this day who or what struck me and what it wuz
for. But my conscience wuz clear; I hadn't done nothin'.
I santered on and entered an enclosure seemin'ly made of innocent
lookin' fence rails. I wuz kinder attracted to it, for it looked some
like the rail fence round our gooseberry bushes. But for the lands
sake! it wuzn't like any fence in Jonesville or Zoar, for though it
looked innocent, it shet me in tight and I couldn't git out.
I wandered round and round, and out and in, and it wuz a good half
hour before I got out, and I d'no but I'd have been there to this day,
if a man hadn't come and opened a gate and let me out. Only one
thought kep' up my courage in my fruitless wanderings. It wuz all done
in plain sight of everybody, and I could see for myself that Josiah
wuzn't kep' there in captivity.
There wuz a tall pole in the middle of the Amaze, as they call it
(well named, for it is truly amazin'), and the liebill on that pole
read, "Climb the pole and ring the bell on it, and we will give you a
prize."
I didn't try to climb that pole, and wouldn't if I had been a athleet.
How did I know but it would turn into a writhin' serpent, and writhe
with me? No, I thought I wouldn't take another resk in that dredful
spot. And I wuz glad I thought so, for jest a little ways off, some
honest, easy lookin' benches stood invitin' the weary passer-by to set
down and rest and recooperate. And right there before my eyes some
good lookin' folks sot down on 'em trustin'ly, and the hull bench fell
over back with 'em and then riz up agin, they fallin' and risin' with
it.
I hastened away and thought I would go up into the second story agin
and mebby ketch sight of my pardner, for the crowd had increased. And
as I stood there skannin' the immense crowd below to try to ketch a
glimpse of my lawful pardner, all to once I see the folks below wuz
laughin' at me. I felt to see if my braize veil hung down straight and
graceful, and my front hair wuz all right, and my cameo pin fastened.
But nothin' wuz amiss, and I wondered what could it be. The balcony
wuz divided off into little spaces, five or six feet square, and I
stood in one, innocent as a lamb (or mebby it would be more
appropriate to say a sheep), and leanin' on the railin', and one sassy
boy called out:
"Where wuz you ketched? Are you tame? Wuz you ketched on the Desert of
Sara? Did Teddy ketch you for the Government?" and I never knowed till
I got down what they wuz laughin' at.
The little boxes in the balcony wuz painted on the outside to
represent animal cages. On the one where I had been wuz painted the
sign Drumedary. Josiah Allen's wife took for a drumedary--The idee!
But the view I got of the crowd below wuz impressive, and though it
seemed to me that everybody in New York and Brooklyn and the adjacent
villages and country, wuz all there a Steeple Chasin', yet I knowed
there wuz jest as many dreamin' in Dreamland and bein' luny in Luny
Park. And Surf Avenue wuz full, and what they called the Bowery of
Coney Island, and all the amusement places along the shore. And all on
'em on the move, jostlin' and bein' jostled, foolin' and bein' fooled,
laughin' and bein' laughed at.
Why, I wuz told and believe, that sometimes a million folks go to
Coney Island on a holiday. And I wuz knowin' myself to over three
thousand orphan children goin' there at one time to spend a happy day,
the treat bein' gin 'em by some big-hearted men. Plenty to eat and
drink, and a hull day of enjoyment, candy, pop corn, circus, etc.,
bright day, happy hearts, how that day will stand out aginst the dull
gray background of their lives! And them men ort to hug themselves
thinkin' the thought, over three thousand happinesses wuz set down to
their credit in the books of the Recordin' Angel. And I sez to myself,
"Samantha, you ort to speak well of anything that so brightens the
lives of the children of the great city."
As I went into Dreamland Park, it seemed agin as if all the folks in
the city wuz there in the immense inner court, surrounded by
amusements on every side. They wuz comin' and goin', talkin',
laughin', hurryin', santerin', to and fro, fro and to. Lots on 'em
talkin' language I never hearn before, but I thought, poor things, you
never had the advantage of livin' in Jonesville, so I overlooked it in
'em.
[Illustration: _"As I went into Dreamland it seemed as if all the folks
in the city was there." (See page 266)_]
I see most the first thing as I entered, a place called Creation, and
feelin' dubersome that any thing more could be created than what I'd
seen that day, I bought a ticket and went in, and to my glad surprise,
I found it wuz some like a prayer meetin'. For a man with a loud
preachin' voice quoted a lot of Scripter most the first thing. After
we all got seated it turned dark as pitch all in a minute. But you
could dimly see a vast waste of water, kinder movin' and swashin' to
and fro, as if some great force wuz workin' down below. And out of the
darkness we hearn that Voice:
"In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth, and the Earth
wuz without form and void, and darkness wuz on the face of the deep."
Anon the fiery energy that wuz makin' a planet, wuz hearn in deafenin'
peals of thunder, and blazed through the sky in sheets of lightnin'
and dartin' balls of flame, quietin' down some after awhile. And the
Voice continued:
"The spirit of God moved on the face of the deep. And God said, Let
there be light; and there wuz light."
And slowly a faint light dawned and growed brighter and brighter and
fleecy clouds appeared. The sky growed golden and rosy in the east,
and the sun come up in splendor. Livin' forms appeared in the water,
monsters of all kinds and sizes, queerer than any dog I ever see, and
the Voice went on:
"And God separated the water from the land." Little peaks of land
emerged from the water or it seemed as if the water receeded from
them, and gradually the dry land appeared, and soon queer livin' forms
appeared on it. And gradually, with green grass and verdure, it become
fit for the home of man, and then Adam and Eve appeared. They wuzn't
clothed in much besides innocence, but somehow they didn't look so
immodest as some of the fashonably dressed females of to-day, with
dekolitay and peek-a-boo waists, and skin-tight drapery.
There wuz good Bible talk and sacred music all through the show. And I
felt as if I had looked on and seen a world made right before my eyes,
and that I would dearly love to make a few myself if I had time, and
Josiah wuz willin'. I wuz highly delighted with it and said as much to
the female who sot next to me. She had a discontented, onhappy face,
and I guess she had enough to make her so, for her husband who sot by
her kep' findin' fault with her all the time, till at last she
turned--for you know a angle worm will turn if it is trod on
enough--and she sez to me, but meant it for her pardner I knowed:
"The lecturer ort to gone on and told how sneakin' mean Adam treated
his wife, eatin' the apple, I'll bet down to the very core, and then
misusin' her for givin' it to him, and puttin' all the blame on her
for bringin' sin into the world, when he wuz jest as much to blame as
she wuz."
Sez her husband, "You have to slur men all the time, don't you? You
can't see or hear anything without findin' sunthin' to complain of
about men. I despise such a sperit; men don't have it."
Now, I love justice, and I hate to see my sect imposed upon, and then
whenever or wherever I travel, I always bear with me the honorary
title I won honorably. Jest as men take with 'em on sea or land their
titles of B. A. or D. D., just so I ever carry the title, won by high
minded and strenous effort, Josiah Allen's wife, P. A. and
P. I.--Public Adviser and Private Investigator. Here, I thought, is
need for a P. A. So I sez to her, yet in a voice her pardner couldn't
help hearin':
"I hearn once of a husbands' meetin' in a revival, when the minister
asked every man to git up who had complaints to make about his wife.
Every man sprung to his feet to once, except one lone man by the door.
And the minister sez, 'My friend, you are one man in a million who
have no complaints to make about your wife.' The man sez, 'That hain't
it; I'm paralyzed, I can't _git_ up.'"
I d'no as the husband I aimed this at took it kind or not, but he
didn't nag his wife any more in my hearin'.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
IN WHICH I CONTINUE MY SEARCH FOR JOSIAH THROUGH DREAMLAND, HUNTIN'
FOR HIM IN VAIN, AND RETURN TO BILDAD'S AT NIGHT, WEARY AND DESPAIRIN'
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
IN WHICH I CONTINUE MY SEARCH FOR JOSIAH THROUGH DREAMLAND, HUNTIN'
FOR HIM IN VAIN, AND RETURN TO BILDAD'S AT NIGHT, WEARY AND DESPAIRIN'
Creation wuz such a good show I felt considerable rested and refreshed
when it wuz over. And I thought the woman looked quite a little
perter; it duz down-trod folks lots of good to have somebody take
their part. I felt kinder good to think I had lightened a sister
female's sperit a little, and wuz walkin' along quite comfortable in
mind when like an arrow out of a bo, the old pain and anxiety stabbed
me afresh. Another hour gone and Josiah Allen not found! What shall I
do? Where shall I turn the eyes of my spectacles? Jest as I wuz askin'
this question to my troubled soul I hearn a boy speak to another one
about a futur' state of punishment in sich a vulgar and familiar way
that I turned round to once, carryin' out my roll of Promisicous
Adviser, and I sez, "You wicked boys you, to talk so light of your
future states, I wonder you dast! If I wuz your mother and had had
your bringin' up, you wouldn't dast!"
They looked real impudent at me, and one on 'em sez, "You hain't the
money to go with, that's what ails you."
I sez solemnly, "Riches is a snare. I know how hard it is for the eye
of a needle to have a camel git through it; I know how the rich man
longed for a drop of water. And you'd better meditate on these things
and try to git used to heat, instead of talkin' light about 'em!" I
don't know how much longer I should have gone on as a P. A. and P. I.
but the woman I had befriended stepped up and sez, "He means the show
there." And lookin' up, if you'll believe it, I see the words "Hell
Gate," and sez she, "I have got two tickets and my husband don't care
about goin', won't you go with me?"
I thought to myself, he probably thinks he'll have chances to sample
it in the futur, but mebby he wuz jest sulky. But I only sez to her,
"It is the last place I ever laid out to go unless I wuz obleeged to.
But lead on," sez I recklessly, "I'll foller." For the thought had
come to me onbid, How did I know how fur Josiah Allen had
back-slided? How did I know but I'd find him there?
[Illustration: _"We got in a small boat and wuz carried round and round
till we dived into a dark tunnel."_]
But to my great surprise--and I wish Elder Minkley could see it, I
thought mebby it would modify his sermons some--the first thing we see
wuz a great trough of water, and I said to the woman in surprise, "I
never expected that folks would go to this hot place by water!" But
we got into a small boat and wuz carried round and round like a
whirlpool, till the boat got in the very center, when it dived down
into a dark tunnel.