Tibetan Weddings and Wedded Life.
As I was lodging at the house of the Minister of Finance, I had the
good fortune to become acquainted with and occasionally to call on the
other Ministers of State, among whom was one of the Prime-Ministers,
of the name of Sho Khangwa. (In Tibet, there are four Prime-Ministers
and three Ministers of Finance; the senior Minister, in either case,
taking the actual business and standing responsible for the conduct
of affairs, while the others hold only nominal portfolios, assisting
in the work of the Department as vice-Ministers. Sho Khangwa was the
second Prime-Minister). During my stay in Lhasa, his daughter married
the son of a noble called the Prince of Yutok. I was invited to the
wedding, a ceremony most solemnly performed, which I attended with
curiosity and interest. Before proceeding to relate what I saw on
that occasion, I may make a few observations on Tibetan marriages
in general. No general statement can be made however with regard to
marriage-customs, as they vary vastly according to the different
localities. There are several books containing descriptions of Tibetan
marriages, but these are from the pens of European travellers, who
may perhaps have been in Chinese Tibet, or on the northern frontier
of Tibet proper, but were surely not permitted to visit Lhasa. So
although their descriptions may be correct, so far as they go, yet no
detailed account of a marriage in Lhasa is, so far as I know, to be
found in any of these books. It is next to impossible for a passing
visitor, especially in such a country as Tibet, where marriage-customs
and manners differ so much with the widely separated tribes, to give
any really trustworthy descriptions; still, as circumstances have
given me special opportunities of observing minutely the people’s life,
social and domestic, in Lhasa, and even of attending several wedding
ceremonies of the natives, it is not only proper, but may also possibly
be of some value, to relate my observations and experiences during my
stay in the city.
It is generally known that a peculiar system of marriage prevails in
Tibet--a plurality not of wives but of husbands. The cases of polyandry
are; first, when several brothers take the same woman as their wife at
the same time; second, when two or more men not brothers, marry the
same woman by mutual agreement; and thirdly, when a woman, already
married to one man, gains influence over her husband, and, with his
consent, marries another in addition. In case the mother of a family
dies, either the father or the son takes a new spouse, who becomes at
the same time the wife of the other male members of the family without
infringing the law of the country. They are quite insensible to the
shame of this dissolute condition of matrimonial relations, which can
scarcely be even imagined by people with a civilised moral sense;
and yet there do exist some restrictions: marriage of brothers with
sisters, or between cousins, is not only censured by the public as
immoral, but also prohibited by the law as criminal.
The wife’s authority over her husbands is something surprising. All
the money which the husbands have earned has to be handed over to
their wife, and if one of the husbands is found less clever or less
successful in making money than the others, she will give him a severe
scolding. When a husband needs money, he has to beg his wife to give
him so much for such and such a purpose, just as a child does to its
mother. If she happens to find any of her husbands keeping back his
earnings, she will break out in anger, and give him slaps instead of
caresses. In short, a wife generally exercises a commanding authority
over her husbands.
She will order them to go out shopping and to do this or that, and
husbands are quite obedient to the wife, too, and quite ready to do
everything that is required, or that they find suitable to soothe her.
When two or more men have anything to agree upon among them, they do
not decide for themselves, but run home and ask their wife’s opinion
before coming to a final decision, and, if she has no objection,
they will meet again and settle the matter. Though polyandry is the
prevailing system of marriage in Tibet, there are a few exceptional
cases of monogamistic couples, generally in cases where the husband is
in a comparatively influential position.
Another peculiarity in connexion with marriage is that an agreement, to
the effect that either husband or wife may divorce the other whenever
he or she has become averse to continuing as the other’s partner, is
acknowledged as a legitimate condition of a matrimonial contract.
I come now to a description of the marriage ceremony as observed in
Lhasa. The Tibetans, whether men or women, marry generally between the
twentieth and twenty-fifth years of age.
Although there are some exceptions (especially in the case of couples
married late in life, where the husband’s age much exceeds that of his
wife) usually both bride and groom are of about equal age. If a woman
who has five brothers as her husbands gives birth to a child, the
eldest of the brothers is called the father of the child and the rest
the uncles. One European writer says that in Tibet the eldest of the
brothers, who have the same woman as their wife, is called the great
father of her children, and the younger brothers their small fathers;
but this I have not been able to verify.
There is almost no such thing, so far as my experience of the Tibetans
has gone, as a woman choosing her own husbands. The choice of husbands
and all decision connected therewith are made by the parents only, and
the daughter herself who is going to be married is never permitted
to make any choice of her partner, nor even to take any part in the
consultation regarding her own marriage. She is compelled to marry
whomsoever her parents decide upon for her husband. Not only so, but
parents never tell their daughter at all that a proposal has been made,
or that they are going to give her in marriage, until the very day of
the wedding. These compulsory marriages, therefore, frequently end in
divorce. However, in the remote country or even in the city, sometimes
a girl selects her partner and obtains permission from her parents to
marry the man of her choice. Such cases, however are very exceptional.
It is the universal usage throughout the country for the parents of a
young man of marriageable age to make enquiries for a suitable bride
among families equal in lineage, fortune and rank with their own. When
such a girl is found, they at once communicate through a middleman with
the girl’s parents, asking whether she may be given as wife to their
sons. If the answer is a simple negative, the middleman understands
that the case is an entirely hopeless one; but if they say: “We will
see about it” or something to that effect, he will call on them several
times and talk of all the good qualities of the young man, his parents
and everything about him. Then the girl’s parents, after giving a
conditional consent to the proposal, go to a fortune-teller or a high
priest to ask his judgment and advice in this important matter, or they
will go to a sorcerer who is believed to be able to give information
about the future, and then only will they give a definite answer to the
middleman.
The parents on each side keep the whole thing a secret from their son
or daughter, even after the betrothal has been decided upon. Thus both
bride and groom go to the very day of their wedding, without knowing
anything of their own marriage--neither the preliminary consultations
nor the name of the bride or groom; they are brought face to face for
the first time on the wedding day. There is no custom of exchanging
presents between bride and bridegroom, or of the bride’s bringing a
dowry to her husband as in Japan, and no consultation or arrangement is
made, or anything like a marriage-contract regarding the property of
the parties concerned; only the bride’s parents, to keep up the honor
of the family, have to furnish their daughter with all things needed
for her marriage, suitable to their social standing; else they would
be disgraced in the public eye. On the groom’s side also his parents
send a present of some money to the bride’s mother as ‘breast money’ or
nurse expense, remuneration for her marriage and care in bringing up
the girl. Then, again, the parents on both sides go and enquire of a
fortune-teller or sorcerer, before fixing upon the day of the wedding
or of beginning to make the necessary preparations.
On the morning of the wedding, the girl’s parents, who have already
been informed of the time when the middleman is to come from the
groom’s house, casually tell the girl that the weather being very fine
they intend going to the Temple, and that she had better go with them,
and that as they are going to have a “lingka feast” she had better
have her hair done, or words to that effect. The girl is generally
much delighted at hearing this, and starts at once to dress herself
quite unconscious of the stratagem. But sometimes a clever girl sees
through the artifice and breaks into tears of sorrow at her unexpected
departure from her old home.
[Illustration: GIRL WEEPING AT BEING SUDDENLY COMMANDED TO MARRY.]
A girl who is unaware of this artifice will wash and scrub her face and
body as her parents bid her, and make herself as smart as they please.
It is to be noted that, as a general custom in Tibet, ordinary people
never wash their faces or bodies at all, though the nobles do so every
morning just after leaving their beds. The manner in which they wash
their faces is almost more like a joke. When a nobleman gets up in the
morning, a maid or attendant will bring him a ladleful of warm water
which he first takes in the palms of his hands and then puts into his
mouth. After holding it in there for a while he spits it back into
his palms little by little and then washes his face with it. When the
water in the mouth is all gone, he will spit several times on to his
palms and again rub his face. It is true that basins are used by some
Tibetans: the above is however the normal way.
To return, the girl, knowing nothing about the trick in store for her
and expecting to go out for amusement, is cheerful and gay, busily
engaged in her toilet, and adorning her hair with her old comb and
pins, when her parents come to her with a new comb, pins and other
toilet articles (all of which have been secretly presented by the
groom’s parents through the middleman) and say to her: “Your pins and
comb are too old, my dear, we have some new ones for you; here they
are; and a good bottle of hair-oil too. You must dress yourself up
as nicely as possible,” and so on. Then when at last the toilet is
complete, the parents tell her for the first time that an engagement
has already been made with so and so, whom she has to marry that day.
This is the general custom not only in Lhasa, but also in Shigatze and
other towns.
But, as I have already said, a sagacious girl who can see through her
parents’ artifices is not generally willing to dress herself up for
the occasion, but will be found weeping at her unforeseen calamities
and sets herself to complaining in this strain “Oh! dear me! I don’t
want to leave my home. It is not fair of father and mother to marry
me off to a person whom I shall probably not like. How can I get out
of it?” And then she becomes very depressed, and devotes absolutely
no attention to her hair-dressing. In this case, however, the girl’s
friends, who are there to help in the preparations for her wedding, try
to cheer her up and encourage her to obey her parents, and even help
her to adorn and dress herself.
After all these preparations are over, the bride’s parents have to
give a series of farewell banquets for their daughter, which will last
two weeks, or even more sometimes, if their family is rich or high in
social rank, but two or three days only in the case of the poor. During
these festivities, the relatives and acquaintances of her parents visit
the family with presents of money, food, or clothes, to congratulate
them on their daughter’s happy wedding, the value of the presents
differing according to the visitor’s wealth as well as their intimacy
with the family. These visitors are cordially entertained with Tibetan
tea and cold spirits, which they drink to excess, visitors and host
alike enjoying the good things provided, and having a regular good time
or what they call a chachang pemma, the happiest state in the world.
While drinking, they eat nothing at all; but at the afternoon meal they
take some meat and wheat-cakes. The meat they eat is generally the
flesh of the yak, or that of goats or sheep; pork is sometimes used in
Lhasa, but beef is very rare throughout the country, and is especially
rare in the case of wedding feasts. Their cooking and bill of fare
are very simple: three dishes of meat, raw, dried and boiled (roast
meat is never seen at a wedding). The boiled meat is cooked in oil and
salt, or sometimes in salt and water and is brought in first, together
with _tsu_, a concoction of cheese, butter and sugar. When these are
all gone, a big dish of boiled rice mixed with butter, sugar, raisins
and Chinese persimmons is served. In the evening, again, the guests
are entertained to a dinner in which a sort of vermicelli, made of
wheat-flour and eggs, or pure Chinese cookery is set before the guests.
In this manner they have three or four meals a day; and besides these,
tea and intoxicants are constantly served during the intervals between
the meals. While eating and drinking the guests are regaled with
pleasant talk, and when the feasts begin to flag they revive the fun by
singing and dancing. It is very interesting to see men and women like
the moving beads of a rosary, dancing and jumping promiscuously round
and round the circles. They dance in a regular and systematic manner,
each keeping step with the music as carefully as if he were a soldier
at drill, and yet the regularity and solemnity of the dance does not
in least interfere with the keenness and zest of their enjoyment. The
instrument used in their dance music is called _damnyan_, and is often
used in accompanying singing as well as dancing.
Towards the close of the festive time (I may observe that it is only
the poorest folk that dispense with the prenuptial feasts), usually
on the eve of the wedding, the parents of the bridegroom send their
representative and the middleman, with a number of attendants, to the
bride’s home to receive the bride. They bring with them a present
of some money as _nurin_ or ‘breast money’ for the bride’s parents,
who are obliged to seem a little backward about taking it, etiquette
demanding that they should require a good deal of coaxing before
accepting such a present. The nurin may vary in amount from a couple of
dollars to two hundred or even five hundred dollars. Some parents (not
many) refuse it absolutely, saying that the girl being their beloved
daughter, it is not their expectation or their desire to receive any
nurin, but that they “only hope heartily that their daughter will be
loved by and enjoy a happy life among the family to which she is given
in marriage.”
Then the middleman gives the bride the dress, belt, Chinese shoes and
all other articles necessary for a bride during the wedding ceremony,
these too being presented by the groom’s parents, and these the bride
cannot refuse; she must wear them even though they do not suit her.
In addition to these gifts the bride generally receives a precious
gem, such as is usually worn by a woman of Lhasa on the middle of her
forehead. This gem is said to be a sign of a woman’s being married,
though in Lhasa there seems to exist no strict discrimination in the
matter, for unmarried women in that city often wear it as a mere
ornament. In Shigatze and the neighboring provinces, however, the use
of the gem is strictly restricted, as a matter of fact, exclusively to
married women, who wear it high up at the back of the head, so that
they can be easily distinguished from single females. In the case of a
divorce, a husband has simply to pluck off the gem from his wife’s head
without the trouble of going to court, or asking the authorities to
alter the census. This single act on the part of the husband properly
and perfectly certifies and legalises the divorce.
Besides the things necessary for a bride to wear during the ceremony
which the bridegroom’s parents have to provide, many valuable
ornaments, a fringe, neck-rings, ear-rings, finger-rings, ornamented
armlets and breast-jewels, are given by the bride’s own parents, for
what the groom’s parents send the bride-elect is confined to the dress,
belt, under-wear and shoes, to be worn on the occasion of the wedding
ceremony.
Then, those who come to receive the bride stay at the bride’s house
that night, and enjoy a few pleasant hours drinking with the family.
An interesting feature of this drinking feast is that the middleman
and the representatives of the bridegroom’s family have to be very
careful not to drink too much that night, because it is the custom
for the friends and relatives of the bride’s family to try to steal
something from them if the drink should happen to make them drowsy. If
they succeed, they show what they have stolen before all the guests
assembled the next morning, and boast of the success of their trick,
and their victims have to pay them some twenty tanka of Tibetan silver,
or two dollars and a half in American gold, as a penalty for their
carelessness. So the middleman and the others do all they can not to
be tempted to drink, while the bride’s friends and relatives ply their
guests with liquor and will take no refusal. The reader can imagine the
noise and uproar that sometimes ensue. But in urging their guests to
drink, the friends of the bride must strictly observe the old ancestral
customs, or else the middleman and the representatives of the groom’s
family will ridicule them for their ignorance, and thus everlasting
shame will come upon the bride’s family. The others, in their turn,
have to arm themselves with suitable reasons for abstinence. They have
to say that chang is the worst of all sorts of poison, that it is a
maker of quarrels or a robber of wisdom. The refusal to drink must
always be clothed in some proverbial expression of this kind, according
to the old time-honored customs, and the ordinary Tibetan would be very
much disappointed and almost feel that he had not been to a proper
wedding, if it was not accompanied with their friendly wranglings over
the cups.