is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong.
O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The
Inn-experienced.
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and
plates, and steaks (stakes).
What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them
the faster they go.
What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight?
Mutton from Cowes.
Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
his stomach.
What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust.
When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of
being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds
it.
When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
fold-ed.
Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses
(tortoises).
I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers.
Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because
he can only be par-boiled.
What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6.
Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX--cross the _I_, it makes XX.
My first of anything is half,
My second is complete;
And so remains until once more
My first and second meet.
Semi-circle.
Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps
off!
Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
keep the sparks off!
Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun!
Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you
unbuzz-em (unbosom)!
Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a
hole in your ticket? To let you pass through.
What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The
door-knocker.
How many cows' tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston,
upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having
all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long
enough.
What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous,
civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A
young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday
of his life.
When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists).
What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes
up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The
road.
Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it's
always drawn with the drag-on.
When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest.
Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never
see two of them together.
What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and
you will get a vial in (violin).
What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as
soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her
to the bank.
What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose
the stops, the other stops the dose.
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?
A draft.
What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze.
Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
Because he does it in his leap (his sleep).
Why are ladies--whether sleeping on sofas or not--like hinges? Because
they are things to a door (adore).
Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable
to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a
hinge-awry (injury)!
What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther.
Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it's always wood
(would)--or should be.
There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he
cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut
it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn't cut it
enough the first time.
Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is
painted.
Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under
the lashes.
My _first_ was one of high degree,--
So thought he.
He fell in love with the Lady Blank,
With her eyes so bright and form so lank.
She was quite the beauty to his mind,
And had two little pages tripping behind,
But Lady Blank was already wed;
And 'twas said
That her lord had made a jealous shock.
So he kept her in with his wonderful lock.
My _second_ hung dangling by his side,
With two little chains by which it was tied.
The lady unto her lover spoke:
(A capital joke),
"If you can pick that terrible lock,
Then at my chamber you may knock;
I'll open my door in good disguise,
And you shall behold my two little eyes."
Said the nobleman of high degree:
"Let--me--see!
I know none so clever at these little jobs,
As the Yankee mechanic, John Hobbs, John Hobbs;
I'll send for him, and he shall undo,
In two little minutes the door to you."
At night John Hobbs he went to work,
And with a jerk
Turn'd back the lock, and called to my _first_,
To see that my _second_ the ward had burst--
When my _first_, with delight he opened the door,
There came from within a satirical roar,
For my _first_ and my _whole_ stood face to face,
A queer-looking pair in a queer-looking place.
Don-key.
Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want
carrying out.
Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second
letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters
and I still continue unchanged. The postman.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the
age of discretion.
Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it's an internal transport.
Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
O'Donoghue came to the hermit's cell;
He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell;
"I have ridden," said he, "with the saint to dine
On his richest meal and his reddest wine."
The hermit hastened my _first_ to fill
With water from the limpid rill;
And "drink," quoth he, of the "juice, brave knight,
Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight."
The hermit hastened my _second_ to spread
With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread;
And "taste," quoth he, "of the cates, fair guest,
Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest."
Hasty and hungry the chief explored
My _whole_ with the point of his ready sword,
And found, as yielded the latch and lock,
A pasty of game and a flagon of hock.
Cup-board.
When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
for a pupil.
Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one
is of the canine (canin'), the other of the feline (feelin') species.
Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to
your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig,
hanging from a hook? Because he's a pork-reacher (poor creature).
Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for
breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a _h_oister (oyster).
Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging.
Why is the hangman's noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it's
hemp-tie (empty).
Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means
of support.
My _first_ is a thing, though not very bewitchin',
Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen;
My _second's_ a song, which, though a strange thing,
No one person living could ever yet sing;
My _whole_ is a man, who's a place in the City,
But the last of his race you'd apply to for pity?
Jack Catch!
Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs
on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a
gall-on.
How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their
"presents of mind" by "giving you a bit of it!"
How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham
ones? Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint).
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears).
When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him.
What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac;
for then he could have a new one every year.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
What, as milliners say, is "the sweetest thing in bonnets?" A lady's
two-lips.
There is a noun of plural number,
Foe to peace and tranquil slumber;
But add to it the letter s,
And--wond'rous metamorphosis--
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before?
Cares--caress.
If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice,
ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the
operation? She wouldn't want any _Spectators_, nor _Observers_, but
plenty of _Times_.
Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear;
Look in the oven, perhaps I am there;
Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame,
Sometimes I extinguish--now, reader, my name?
Puff.
If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want?
Muzzlin' (muslin).
When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole
is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band.
Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is 'listed,
trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the
alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets
paid for so doing?
If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals
come to? To ashes.
What part of a lady's dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her
crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don't mean
hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).]
Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he
is always on the strike for wages.
What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One
makes fac similes, the other sick families.
Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and
never wants any.
What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
has feeling, the other is felt.
One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed
beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the
friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's
two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.
Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent.
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes
(close) of the week.
Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she
daily wrings men's bosoms.
Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch
soft water when it rains hard.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
Sane--insane.
When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of
body.
What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a
collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't!
Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
even passable.
How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half
amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10.
What is the superlative of temper? Tempest?
What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if
they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)!
Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last
book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.
If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors
would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns.
When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch
Arden")!
What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother
poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only?
Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)?
Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is
cut down, the other cut up!
How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired
his coarse-hair (corsair) so much!
Why ought Shakespeare's dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because
they contain Much Ado About Nothing.
Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare
wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
Why are apples like printers' types? Because they are often in _pi(e)_.
How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his
choler (collar) down!
How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the
earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he
could "recite" his poems, but not resight himself!
Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians
had their "Scalds," we have also had our Burns!
If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention?
Chaw-sir (Chaucer)!
Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he
lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.
If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most
certainly against his inclination.
What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? "My
Bark is on the Sea."
What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went
smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found.
What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail? "After
you!"
What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
satisfaction."
What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night
and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell.
I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night,
A sentinel's signal that all is not right.
I am not a swallow, yet skim o'er the wave;
I am not a doctor, yet patients I save;
When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree,
It finds a protector henceforward in me?
Bark!
Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
farthest from the bark.
Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two
tonics (Teutonics).
My first is a prop, my second's a prop, and my whole is a prop? A
foot-stool.
My _first_ I hope you are,
My _second_ I see you are,
My _whole_ I know you are.
Wel-come.
My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until
you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus.
What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead).
Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon
(sole on).
Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it's a bad habit.
What's the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is
in prison at the latter's suit? He's let him in, and he won't let him
out.
When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every
day.
You don't know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to
say you don't? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly
through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end,
where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the
hole, to be sure.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
One uses wax candles--the other dips!
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor
Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow
(Masaniello).
Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping
into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
Daylight.
Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios?
Because of them easels (the measles) which are there.
Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter's studio as hot as an
oven? Because it is there he makes his bread.
Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough
before he gets another.
Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure.
What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
waistcoat first.
Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because
he went about with his queer ass (cuirass).
In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic
(Hebraic).
If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of
prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived?
Because you act the part of a donkey to bail 'em (Balaam).
Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it's a
new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone).
I am white, and I'm brown; I am large, and I'm small;
Male and female I am, and yet that's not all--
I've a head without brains, and a mouth without wit;
I can stand without legs, but I never can sit.
Although I've no mind, I am false and I'm true,
Can be faithful and constant to time and to you;
I am praised and I'm blamed for faults not my own,
But I feel both as little as if I were stone.
A bust.
When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces
and--and--busts!
Why was "Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a female hand? Because it
was written by Mrs. Beecher's toe (Stowe).
Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing)!
When my first is my last, like a Protean elf,
Will black become white, and a part of yourself?
Ebon--bone.
Why is a short negro like a lady's light-blue organdy muslin dress,
when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a
Monday hop? Because he's not at-all black!
Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he's a negro-man-sir
(necromancer).
Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he
polishes the understandings of his patrons.
What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some
people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper.
[Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were
married, he looked in the "news of the weak!"]
When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed.
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
reviews.
Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants?
Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living.
ECHOES.
What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light.
What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations.
Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the
public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they
do (right) write.
Ever eating, ever cloying,
Never finding full repast,
All devouring, all destroying,
Till it eats the world at last?
Fire.
What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is
it like a sick man? Because it is in firm.
Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is
a bell fast (Belfast) in it.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
surrounded by felloes (fellows).
What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into
a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
are always for-getting everything.
Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one
bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the
other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune!
Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars
invariably run over sleepers.
Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
bred (bread).
What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to
its remains!
Why should the "evil one" make a good husband? Because the deuce can
never be-tray!
Why is money often moist? Because it's frequently dew (due) in the
morning, and mist (missed) at night.
What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
Chin-chilly!
What's the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress
draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other--unfortunately for our
boots--mucks silk.
What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy
road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind.
What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some
left? The word whole-some.
Complete, you'll own, I commonly am seen
On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean;
On ribbons gay I court your admiration,
But yet I'm oft a cause for much vexation
To those on whom I make a strong impression;
The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression;
Curtail me, I become a slender shred,
And 'tis what I do before I go to bed,
But an excursion am without my head;
Again complete me, next take off my head,
Then will be seen a savory dish instead;
Again behead me, and, without dissection,
I'm what your fruit is when in full perfection;
Curtailed--the verb to tear appears quite plain;
Take head and tail off,--I alone remain.
Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I.
Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol
at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
necessary.
Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because
they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide
awake all the time.
And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for
the deed.
Those who have me do not wish for me;
Those who have me do not wish to lose me;
Those who gain me have me no longer;
Law-suit.
If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client
tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back
to the lawyer.
Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut
qu'il dise, Adieu honneur.
Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it
hollow.
What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies' dresses,
A. D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains.
When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
If you met a pig in tears, what animal's name might you mention to it?
Pork you pine.
The proverb says, "One swallow does not make Spring;" when is the
proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup
of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one
spring, we should be glad to hear what does.
How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run?
Ten-dons!
What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap!