the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one.
Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise?
Because he hollows.
When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress.
Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands
before its face.
Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can't stand alone.
Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought
it was a good opening for a young man.
Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a
mull of it.
Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the
Rolls.
Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point.
Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought.
Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he
is learning.
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done.
Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he
is a Pat rolling (patrolling).
Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a
high post.
Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph?
Because he beats time.
Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they
are all numbered.
Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he
fumes.
Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because
he is turning locks.
Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.
Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves.
Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of
the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his
descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread).
Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she
carries fire-locks.
Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it
scatters the _sparks_ and _transports_ the mails (males).
Why is a man's mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it
extends from ear to ear (year to year).
Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches
(breeches).
Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they
are only slightly connected.
How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear).
Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
keys.
Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
(ours).
Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
till morning.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in
the mouth.
When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it's a bad one.
On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no
end.
What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A
wedding-ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his
own (K)nell.
Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.
Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she
seams (seems).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
each of them.
What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One
issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day?
Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
You name me once, and I am famed
For deeds of noble daring;
You name me twice, and I am found
In savage customs sharing?
Tar-tar.
What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack
(cossack).
Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the
sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops.
The wind howled, and the heaving sea
Touched the clouds, then backward rolled;
And the ship strove most wondrously,
With ten feet water in her hold.
The night is darkened, and my _first_
No sailor's eye could see.
And ere the day should dawn again,
Where might the sailor be?
Before the rising of the sun
The ship lay on the strand,
And silent was the minute-gun
That signaled to the land.
The crew my _second_ had secured,
And they all knelt down to pray,
And on their upturned faces fell
The early beam of day.
The howling of the wind had ceased,
And smooth the waters ran,
And beautiful appeared my _whole_
To cheer the heart of man.
Land-scape.
What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One
irons your linen and the other steals it.
Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until
their works are "hung on the line."
A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the
first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten;
the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two;
and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her
one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What
number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and
eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her
number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct
two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which
was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty
is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples.
Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn't answer.
There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many
remain? None; for--unless they are idiots--they fly away!
Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
game alive!
What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse!
What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a
boiled carrot.
What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)!
I wander when the night is dark,
I tread forbidden ground;
I rouse the house-dog's sullen bark,
And o'er the world am found.
My victims fill the gloomy jail,
And to the gallows speed;
Though in the dark, with visage pale,
I do unlawful deed,
There is an eye o'erwatching me,
A law I disobey;
And what I gain I faster lose,
When Justice owns its sway.
Though sometimes I accumulate
A fortune soon, and vast--
A beggar at the good man's gate,
My pupil stands at last.
Dishonesty.
My first is irrational,
My second is rational,
My third mechanical,
My whole scientific?
Horse-man-ship.
Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the
better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence).
What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a
sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret
window under the same circumstances.
A word there is five syllables contains;
Take one away--not one of them remains!
Mo-no-syllable.
If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to
miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the
Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them.
What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating
and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She
weighs anchor.
When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping.
When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross.
Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit.
Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs.
Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
keys.
Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the
profit.
When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder.
Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
becomes.
Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
(ours).
Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul
(fowl) proceeding.
Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
till morning.
Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always
advances with a bow.
Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads
and an application.
Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there's a spring
inside of it.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
the sound of wo (woe).
Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for
getting (forgetting).
Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage
ceremony? Because they are joiners.
Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait
(gate) is broken and his locks are few.
Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers?
Because there would be no seers.
Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they
are always on the strike for wages.
Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the
more he takes in, the more he tucks out.
Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the
cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence;
when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a
brick.
What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a
laborer? The one gets a great deal of "otium cum dig.," the latter a
great deal of dig without otium.
Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it's only
intended for working-people.
An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
And when he set off running, an Irishman was he,
Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree?
Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant!
Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because
it's not currant.
You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but
what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
When you go for ten cents' worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do
you want them for? For ten cents.
Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove
brought the green back to Noah.
What was the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was
made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.
There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five
letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be
conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the
whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine!
Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim)
only!
What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint,
Call, call the priest to lay it!
Transpose it, and to king and saint,
And great and good you pay it?
Spectre; respect.
Complete I betoken the presence of death,
Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath;
But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange,
Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change?
Corpse; corps.
Ere Adam was, my early days began;
I ape each creature, and resemble man;
I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt.
Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
You'll quickly find me out by candlelight?
Shadow.
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
out.
Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then
have his leg at ease (legatees).
What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A
bald head.
What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old
maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless.
Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
die late (dilate).
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, "My age is what
you do in everything--excel" (XL).
My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not?
Love-lie (lovely).
What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet
never takes kindly? The small-pox.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was
first in the human race.
Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked
her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don't care A dam if you do.
When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve
presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).
Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had'em)!
What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
Why was Herodias' daughter the _fastest_ girl mentioned in the New
Testament? Because she got _a-head_ of John the Baptist on a _charger_.
When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are
where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be!
What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A
hole in her stocking!
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
airy-naught (aeronaut).
Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody!
Why is the flight of an eagle _also_ a most unpleasant sight to
witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar)!
Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out.
Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane.
And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the
peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why--wait
till he flew off.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays
at the same time.
Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
it's easier to preach than to practice.
Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and
fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook.
My _first_ doth affliction denote,
Which my _second_ is destined to feel,
But my _whole_ is the sure antidote
That affliction to soothe and to heal.
Wo-man.
What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam.
Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably
shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill--ill--skill.
What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
honey, the other gets all the whacks!
Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor!
What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of
the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the
other used to put a cask (casque) on his head!
Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every
reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax'd
him whether he would or no!
My _first_ if 'tis lost, music's not worth a straw;
My _second's_ most graceful (?) in old age or law,
Not to mention divines; but my _whole_ cares for neither,
Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather.
Ear-wig!
Which of Pio Nino's cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with
the largest head, of course.
What composer's name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi).
Spell enemy in three letters! No, it's not N M E; you're wrong; try
again; it's F O E!
Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y.
Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V.
Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of
them? K N (cayenne).
When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T
(empty).
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a
word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though
never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything
that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n!
What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not
once in a thousand years? The letter M.
Three letters three rivers proclaim;
Three letters an ode give to fame;
Three letters an attribute name;
Three letters a compliment claim.
Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel!
Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S
and T, because we always hear of La Rich_esse_ and La Pauvre_te_.
Why is A like twelve o'clock? You know, middle of day.
Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first
in pity, he is always last in help.
Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it's Nero (near O).
The beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space,
The beginning of every end,
The end of every race?
Letter E.
Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.
Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in
earth and water.
What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last
think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron).
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the
deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can
see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so
long as the middle finger.
Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees--beasts were created
before men.
What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a
sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail!
Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the
hammer must be paid for--on the nail!
What's the difference between "living in marble halls" and aboard ship?
In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in (what
the Greeks call _thalatta_) the latter you have vessels and surfs at
your side!
When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast.
What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When
it is anti-funny (antiphony).
If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't
an ocean (a notion).
Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head.
The night was dark, the night was damp;
St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp:
The Fiend dropped in to make a call,
As he posted away to a fancy ball;
And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies,
"Some present a saint may not despise?"
Wine he brought him, such as yet
Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set:
Weary and faint was the holy man,
But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can,
And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came,
That it was red with liquid flame.
Jewels he showed him--many a gem
Fit for a Sultan's diadem:
Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite;
But he told his beads with all his might;
And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare,
A pinch of worthless dust lay there.
A lady at last he handed in,
With a bright black eye and a fair white skin;
The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said,
A ponderous missal at her head;
She vanished away; and what a smell
Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell!
Brim-stone.
Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because
he's a sea-king what never was!
Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever
lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea
and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming!
Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a
gate).
What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
before its face and runs down its own works!
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down!
What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A
ditch.
When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.
Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs.
Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi).
What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful
attention? The tender part.
What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes
quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the
Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex
talionis).
When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight."
My _first_ is what mortals ought to do;
My _second_ is what mortals have done;
My _whole_ is the result of my first.
Love-err (lover).
Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff!
Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he's
eat out of house and home.
Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy them
without crackers.
Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him
father.
Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty
housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a political meeting?
Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than
necessary.
Why is a young lady's bustle like an historical tale? Because it's a
fiction founded on fact.
What game does a lady's bustle resemble? Back-gammon.
Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she
hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!"
Why are women's _corsets_ the greatest speculators in the bills of
mortality? Because they contract--to kill.
A stranger comes from foreign shores,
Perchance to seek relief;
Curtail him, and you find his tail
Unworthy of belief;
Curtailed again, you recognize
An old Egyptian chief.
Alien--A lie--Ali.
From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be;
its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see.
Seven--even--Eve.
What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half?
Half-penny!
Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four).
What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes
acorns, the other--makes corns ache.
Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
(blows so bleak).
What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold,
in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this _eau_, we'll have
some eau-d-v.
How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing
when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to "scuttle" the
ship if the air was coal'd.
What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just
ten gallons) of brandy.
Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all
the ten commandments at once.
Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made
light of.
Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o'
fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
becomes.
Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because
when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of
it.
Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
goes.
When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the
woods--and plains.
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An
ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use
of flash language.
Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every
post.