I've been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb--
You all possess me, and in every street
In varied shape and form with me you'll meet;
With Christians I am never single known,
Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone.
I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve,
And went with her, when she, alas! did leave.
To Britain with Caractacus I came,
And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.
The lover gives me on his wedding-day,
The poet writes me in his natal lay;
The father always gives me to each son,
It matters not if he has twelve or one;
But has he daughters?--then 'tis plainly shown
That I to them am seldom but a loan.
Name.
What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
than yourself? Your name.
What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does
not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
What's the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship's
chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the
flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel.
Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does _not_ go on
after it is wound up!
When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up
in himself.
Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it's topers' (topaz)
color.
What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of
Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course!
What should a man's wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender,
nicely dressed, and with--"mint" sauce!
Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is
born to blubber!
What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen.
Why _does_ a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
chicken-hearted!
What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
chops about.
Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it's
a matter of a-pinion (opinion)!
What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at
pleasure; the other plays at leisure.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be
in fowl (foul) language!
What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and
seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week.
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
living.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture)!
Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young
ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their
lives!
Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here
(hear)!
Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost
upon him!
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard
up, the other is soft down!
Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars?
The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and
when you take it out again you see it increases.
It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he
took Ham into the Ark.
Who was the first man? Chap. I.--mentioned in Genesis.
Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua
countermanded the Sun.
Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although
the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).
In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him?
In the Ark.
What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The
elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a
brush and comb between them.
Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave
rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and
the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah;
the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He
took a fresh one.
What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus?
One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer.
What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
is--bigger the better? Skin him.
I was before man, I am over his doom,
And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom.
In my garments the whole Creation I hold,
And these garments no being but God can unfold.
Look upward to heaven I baffle your view,
Look into the sea and your sight I undo.
Look back to the Past--I appear like a power,
That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour.
Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal
Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal.
Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines,
Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines;
Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space,
And the moon why it follows the earth in its race;
And each object my name to your query shall give,
And ask you again why you happened to live.
The world to disclose me pays terrible cost,
Yet, when I'm revealed, I'm instantly lost.
Mystery.
Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill (jewel).
Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he's a Jew de spree (jeu
d'esprit).
What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of
the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don't cut each other, but
only what comes between them.
Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great
expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are
excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground.
Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because
they're Arno boats there.
What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of
size (sighs).
Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it's an
inward check on the outward man.
I seldom speak, but in my sleep;
I never cry, but sometimes weep;
Chameleon-like, I live on air,
And dust to me is dainty fare?
The nose.
What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
takes? The snuffers.
Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
continually passing between them.
Why is the nose on your face like the _v_ in "civility?" Because it's
between two eyes.
Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise.
What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to
you? Noise.
What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose.
When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.
The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa's chair
The young people tumultuously came;
"Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa," they cried;
"An enigma, or some pretty game."
"You shall have an enigma--a puzzling one, too,"
Said the old man, with fun in his eye;
"You all know it well; it is found in this room;
Now, see who'll be first to reply:"
1. In a bright sunny clime was the place of my birth,
Where flourished and grew on my native earth;
2. And my parents' dear side ne'er left for an hour
Until gain-seeking man got me into his power--
3. When he bore me away o'er the wide ocean wave,
And now daily and hourly to serve him I slave.
4. I am used by the weakly to keep them from cold,
5. And the nervous and timid I tend to make bold;
6. To destruction sometimes I the heedless betray,
7. Or may shelter the head from the heat of the day.
8. I am placed in the mouth to make matters secure,
9. But that none wish to eat me I feel pretty sure.
10. The minds of the young I oft serve to amuse,
While the blood through their systems I freely diffuse;
11. And in me may the representation be seen
Of the old ruined castle, or church on the green.
What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call
his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look
(Mameluke).
What's the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large
way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy
dairies (higher dromedaries).
Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired
on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the
water.
What's the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought
up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up.
I've led the powerful to deeds of ill,
And to the good have given determined will.
In battle-fields my flag has been outspread,
Amid grave senators my followers tread.
A thousand obstacles impede my upward way,
A thousand voices to my claim say, "Nay;"
For none by me have e'er been urged along,
But envy follow'd them and breath'd a tale of wrong.
Yet struggling upward, striving still to be
Worshiped by millions--by the bond and free;
I've fought my way, and on the hills of Fame,
The trumpet's blast pronounced the loud acclaim.
When by the judgment of the world I've been
Hurl'd from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen,
And I have found the garland o'er my head
Too frail to live--my home was with the dead.
Ambition.
Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don't
know it; you can't guess it. Why?--because he was--Kean after Charles.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
bayonets--the other nets a bay.
Ladies who wish the married state to gain,
May learn a lesson from this brief charade;
And proud are we to think our humble muse
May in such vital matters give them aid.
The Lady B---- (we must omit the name)
Was tall in stature and advanced in years,
And leading long a solitary life
Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears.
At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old,
But not too old to match the Lady B----,
Feeling his life monotonous and cold,
Proposed to her that they should wedded be.
Proposed, and was accepted--need we say?
Even the wedding-day and dress were named;
And gossips' tongues had conn'd the matter o'er--
Some praised the union, others strongly blamed.
The Lady B----, whose features were my _first_,
Was well endowed with beauties that are rare,
Well read, well spoken--had, indeed, a mind
With which few of the sex called tender can compare.
But the old bachelor had all the ways
Of one grown fidgety in solitude;
And he at once in matters not his own
Began unseemly and untimely to intrude.
What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours
with rain, the other roars with pain!
When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom.
Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
more they are with them!
If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four
letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)!
What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An
'ack who's sure (accoucheur)!
My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born,
My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form.
I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread,
I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead.
They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in,
They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin.
When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin,
They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again.
And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher,
To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher.
Flax.
Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces
the ears for the sake of ornament!
What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
broken? Pieces!
Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an
indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)!
What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after
dinner? A different one.
Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses
into classes.
If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's
would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
you would be making game of him!
John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly
sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally
graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one
side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side
of him, of course.
My _first_, a messenger of gladness;
My _last_, an instrument of sadness;
My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled--
Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild.
But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more,
That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er.
Sun-beam.
Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its
nap's) awful.
My _first_ is my _second_ and my _whole_. Pa-pa.
How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may
protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only
miss givings.
Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he's a tracked-hairy-un
(tractarian).
Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla?
Because his monkey was up!
What's the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du
Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g'riller.
Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and
full of nonsense.
My first, loud chattering, through the air,
Bounded 'mid tree-tops high,
Then saw his image mirror'd, where
My second murmured by.
Taking it for a friend, he strayed
T'wards where the stream did roll,
And was the sort of fool that's made
The first day of my whole.
Ape-ril (1).
What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel.
Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a
greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, "That's
impossible."
What was Joan of Arc made of? She was--we have every reason to
believe--Maid of Orleans!
Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would
rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course!
When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
another!
I paint without colors, I fly without wings,
I people the air with most fanciful things;
I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard,
And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word.
The past and the present together I bring,
The distant and near gather under my wing.
Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight,
Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night;
And those who would find me, must find me, indeed,
As this picture they scan, and this poesy read.
Imagination.
A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything
else has; what is it? A name.
What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble? The scarlet runner!
Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in
which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took
place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique
party to a scarlet runner!
What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he
is killed and then cured!
Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he
prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer."
Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
'Twas winter, and some merry boys
To their comrades beckoned,
And forth they ran with laughing tongues,
And much enjoyed my _second_.
And as the sport was followed up,
There rose a gladsome burst,
When lucklessly amid their group
One fell upon my _first_.
There is with those of larger growth
A winter of the soul,
And when _they_ fall, too oft, alas!
They evidence my _whole_.
Back-slide.
Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing
whatever to do with the subject? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant).
What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of
Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages).
What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox--ox.
Why is an elephant's head different from any other head? Because if you
cut his head off his body, you don't take it from the trunk.
Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two
sides.
When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she
like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other.
Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps.
Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm.
What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold?
In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose.
Who are generally most sick of children? The people who "bring them up."
Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them.
What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in
life? The fact that it both begins and ends with--an earse (a nurse).
What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for
the first born, the other for the last bourne!
Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us
(Venus).
What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a
goddess? Because she's a second Floorer (Flora).
If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what
classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa).
How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read
of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans).
What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of
Hercules? The one that is--Nessus-hairy!
To be said to your _inamorata_, your lady love: What's the difference
between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and
ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer!
When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent).
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she got a little
prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank.
Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the
result of conviction.
What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold!
Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers
a horn to every one he meets.
How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated!
Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical
Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not
(Juggernaut).
What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A
watch-you-may-call-it!
What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
You eat it, you drink it, deny who can;
It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man?
A toast.
When is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's pocket? When it's
(s)ticking there.
What does a salmon breeder do to that fish's ova? He makes an
egg-salmon-nation of them.
Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
(over) before it comes to life.
Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
Because he's no better.
My _first_ may be to a lady a comfort or a bore,
My _second_, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door.
My _whole_ will be a welcome guest
Where tea and tattle yield their zest.
Muff-in.
What's the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment?
At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he
finds his stable for his horses.
Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his
business makes him sell-fish.
Through thy short and shadowy span
I am with thee, child of man;
With thee still from first to last,
In pain and pleasure, feast and fast,
At thy cradle and thy death,
Thine earliest wail and dying breath,
Seek thou not to shun or save,
On the earth or in the grave;
The worm and I, the worm and I,
In the grave together lie.
The letter A.
If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name
should you address him? Nap-holy-un.
Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he
remembers Ham, and when he cut it.
When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it
was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.
Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is
ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry
attic).
What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles
(Themistocles).
Why is an expensive widow--pshaw!--pensive widow we mean--like the
letter X? Because she is never in-consolable!
What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue.
Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
'Twas Christmas-time, and my nice _first_
(Well suited to the season)
Had been well served, and well enjoyed--
Of course I mean in reason.
And then a game of merry sort
My _second_ made full many do;
One player, nimbler than the rest,
Caught sometimes one and sometimes two.
She was a merry, laughing wench,
And to the sport gave life and soul;
Though maiden dames, and older folk,
Declared her manners were my _whole_.
Flip-pant.
What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It's a vane thing to
aspire."
Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the
adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word?
Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married;
solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married.
Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on
in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest.
Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate,
On a prancing steed rode he;
He was my _first_ of large estate,
And he went the Lady Ellen to see.
The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years,
And a goodly wife proved she;
She'd a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl,
And they sported upon their mother's knee.
At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his
dear departed? When he re-wives!
What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery?
"Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!"
Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never
sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because--oh, dear! oh, dear!--it's
the dear departed!
[THE END.]
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