No. VIII.--THE BOAT-RACE.
_Inquirer._ Are any of you chaps going to the Boat-Race?
_First Well-Informed Man._ No, I shan't. Everybody knows which is
going to win, so there's deuced little interest in the race; and then
you can always read it on the tape at your Club. Besides, I don't care
much about rowing. It's a silly sort of exercise; anybody can do it.
_Second W. I. M._ Have you ever tried?
_First W. I. M._ (_indignantly_). Have I ever tried? Of course I have.
Why, you were with me last Summer when we had that water-party from
Taplow to Cookham.
[Illustration]
_Second W. I. M._ Ah! but you didn't do much rowing then. You let me
get all the blisters, and you just sat in the stern and steered us
like a blessed corkscrew.
_First W. I. M._ Did I? I didn't remember that; but I do remember you
catching about half-a-dozen crabs one after another.
_Second W. I. M._ True enough I caught one, but that was because you
would keep standing up in the boat, and moving your body backwards
and forwards. I suppose you thought the coxswains do that in their
racing-boats?
_First W. I. M._ (_boldly_). They do. I've seen 'em doing it often.
_Second W. I. M._ Why, I thought you'd never seen the crews at all.
_First W. I. M._ Bosh! I never said anything of the kind. I'm not
going to see the race this year, but I've often seen 'em practising
down at Putney. Everybody knows the coxswains have to stand up. How do
you suppose they could see to steer if they didn't? So where are you
now, with all your accurate information, eh?
_Second W. I. M._ I'm where I was before, and I know I'm right,
because my brother-in-law had a cousin who was at school with one of
the Coxes about ten years ago. [_A pause._
_Inquirer_ (_looking up from his sporting paper_). I say, I thought
the crews rowed in racing-boats.
_First W. I. M._ So they do.
_Inquirer._ Well, then, what does this mean? (_Reads._) "Both
yesterday and to-day Cambridge rowed with a bucket. They must improve
this if they want to win."
_First W. I. M._ (_smiling_). My dear fellow, they call their big
practising-boat a bucket.
_Second W. I. M._ No, they don't--they call it a tub.
_First W. I. M._ Well, tub or bucket, it's the same thing. (_To_
Inquirer.) What you read just now means that their practising-boat has
gone rotten, and they'll have to mend her up a bit.
_Inquirer_ (_dubiously_). But they don't row the race in a tub or a
bucket, do they?
_Second W. I. M._ No, they row in a Clinker-Clasper.
_Inquirer._ What the deuce is that?
_Second W. I. M._ (_plunging_). Oh, it's a specially fast kind
of racing-boat, built by CLINKER AND CLASPER. They're a firm of
boat-builders--I thought everybody knew that.
_Inquirer._ But then, what does this paper mean by saying that Oxford
are rowing in a Rough?
_Second W. I. M._ Why it means that their boat isn't so smooth as that
of Cambridge.
_Inquirer_ (_puzzled_). But then it goes on to say that "She is as
fine a specimen of a racing-craft as this eminent boat-builder has
ever turned out." How can she be that, if she isn't as smooth as the
Cambridge boat? Besides, who's "this eminent boat-builder?"
_Average Man._ ROUGH.
_Second W. I. M._ Rot!
_Average Man._ ROUGH, not Rot. ROUGH'S his name.
_Second W. I. M._ Let me see the paper. (_He reads, and addresses the_
Inquirer.) Why didn't you say the word was printed with a capital R?
(_To_ Average Man.) Perhaps you're right, after all; but I know some
boats _are_ rougher than others. [_A pause._
_Inquirer._ What's the difference between First Trinity and Third
Trinity? Three of the Cambridge men are from First Trinity, and two
from Third Trinity, besides the Cox.
_First W. I. M._ What's your difficulty? First is first, and Third's
third, all the world over. Don't you see, the First Trinity men come
first in the crew, and then the Third Trinity men.
_Inquirer._ But why don't some of 'em call themselves Second Trinity
men?
_First W. I. M._ Oh, that's one of their silly bits of College
etiquette. These chaps at the Universities are never happy unless they
do things quite differently from all the rest of the world.
_Inquirer._ This beastly paper says, "the Cambridge stroke rowed much
longer to-day."
_First W. I. M._ Well, what then?
_Inquirer._ Oh! nothing; only I thought they all rowed exactly the
same distance when they're practising; so I don't quite see how any of
'em could have rowed longer than the rest.
_First W. I. M._ I daresay they made him row a good bit by himself;
they often do that to give the stroke some extra practice. He wants it
more than any of the rest.
_Second W. I. M._ Why?
_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah--well, because he's got to set the stroke for
the others, or something of that sort.
_Inquirer._ How far do they row in the race?
_Second W. I. M._ About six miles or so.
_Inquirer._ By Jove, then, how on earth do they manage to get over
all that distance with so few strokes. (_Refers to paper._) It says,
"Oxford rowed 37 all the way, while Cambridge contented themselves
with a well-pulled 35." (_With a happy inspiration._) If Cambridge
can do it in 35 strokes, while Oxford take 37, it looks jolly like
Cambridge winning by two strokes, don't it?
_First W. I. M._ All right; I'll lay you the odds on Oxford.
_Second W. I. M._ Good, I'll take 'em to five pounds. Oxford can't
win.
_First W. I. M._ (_confidently_). Cambridge can't win. Anyway, I'll
lay you ten pounds to five.
_Inquirer._ I should like to have a bet with somebody.
_Average Man._ You'd better write to one of the Presidents of the
University-Boat Clubs. They're always ready to oblige a keen fellow
like you with a bet.
_Inquirer._ Of course. That's my best plan. I'll write to-day.
[_Terminus._
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