(_A Forensic Drama of the Future._)
[In a recent trial, Mr. Justice HAWKINS corrected a learned
Counsel who talked about Witnesses "coming up to the
scratch."]
_The Judge_ (_taking his seat_). I think, Mr. SMALLFEE, that you were
examining a Witness when we adjourned yesterday. Are you ready to go
on with the examination?
_Mr. Smallfee_ (_pleasantly_). I am sorry to say that Witness has not
turned up yet, m'Lud!
_The Judge_ (_pained_). Not _what_?
_Mr. Smallfee._ I beg your Lordship's pardon. Of course what I _meant_
was that the Witness has not, as yet, condescended to irradiate the
precincts of this tribunal with the sunshine of his presence.
_The Judge._ _That's_ better! Then we must go on to the next Witness.
_Mr. Smallfee_ (_with an evident attempt to keep up his spirits, in
spite of misfortune_). The next Witness, also, I regret to say, has
not turned----I mean, has failed to appear. The Solicitor informs me
that he solemnly promised to attend; but I suppose the promise was all
my eye.
_The Judge._ Dear, dear! What extraordinary expressions you do use,
Mr. SMALLFEE! All my eye! Perhaps you will kindly interpret the
phrase, for the benefit of the Court.
_Mr. Smallfee_ (_desperately_). As your Lordship pleases! But, as I
feel rather down in the mouth now, and as the twelve sufferers in
the Jury-box evidently think that this trial has lasted long enough
already, and that we ought to stir our stumps, I would suggest----
_The Judge._ Usher! Step across to Booksellers' Row, and buy me a
Slang Dictionary! I cannot--I really _cannot_ follow the learned
Counsel.
_The Foreman_ (_interposing_). _We_ do not object to colloquial
expressions, my Lord. Y' see, we're a _Common_ Jury, and we rather
like them. All we want to do is to get on with the case. And perhaps
it may assist the Court if at this stage I remark that the Jury has
quite made up its mind, and is ready to give its verdict.
_The Judge_ (_astounded_). But--but--there has been no evidence for
the defence!
_The Foreman_ (_calmly_). No, my Lord. But no doubt the learned
Counsel's two Witnesses, had they been present, would have supplied
some; and, anyhow, we are so pleased with his talking down to our
level, and not--as usual--over our heads, that we are all agreed to
find a verdict for his client, the Defendant.
_Mr. Smallfee_ (_bowing_). Thanks for your good opinion, Gentlemen. I
thought, by the cut of your jibs, you were the right sort.
[_Winks, in passing out._
_The Judge._ And this is what the Law has come to! Call on the next
case!
* * * * *
NEW PROVERB (_for the use of the Panama Cheque-takers_).--"The game is
not worth the Scandal."
* * * * *
[Illustration: DISCRETION.
"AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SIXPENCE FOR YOU, CABMAN--TO GET YOURSELF SOME
_TEA_, YOU KNOW!"
"YES, MA'AM! THANK YER, MA'AM! I S'POSE I MAY CHOOSE MY OWN _GROCER_,
MA'AM?"]
* * * * *