Until I had attained the twentieth year of my age, my reading had
chiefly consisted of works of imagination and feeling; such as novels
and poetry. Even the religious works I perused were chiefly devotional
poetry, and such works as Mrs Rowe’s Devout Exercises, and the lives of
persons who were eminently distinguished for their piety. I was almost
a stranger to controversial works, and had never examined the points in
dispute between different denominations of Christians. But at length an
incident in my life gave a different turn to my literary pursuit.
While I was engaged in learning Latin and Greek, one of the gentlemen
who taught me had by him a small manuscript from Broughton’s
Dictionary, giving an account of Arminians, Calvinists, and several
other denominations which were most common. This awakened my curiosity,
and I assiduously engaged myself in perusing all the books which
I could obtain, which gave an account of the various sentiments
described. I soon became disgusted with the want of candor in the
authors I consulted, in giving the most unfavorable descriptions of
the denominations they disliked, and applying to them the names of
heretics, fanatics, enthusiasts, &c. I therefore formed a plan for
myself, made a blank book, and wrote rules for transcribing, and
adding to, my compilation. But as I was stimulated to proceed only by
curiosity, and never had an idea of deriving any profit from it, the
compilation went on but slowly, though I was pressed by necessity to
make every exertions in my power for my immediate support. During the
American revolutionary war, I learned to weave bobbin lace, which was
then saleable, and much more profitable to me than spinning, sewing
or knitting, which had previously been my employment. At this period
I found but little time for literary pursuits. But at the termination
of the American war, this resource failed, and I was again left in a
destitute situation. My health did not admit of my teaching a school,
and I was glad to avail myself of every opportunity of taking any
kind of work which I could do, though the profit was very small, and
inadequate to my support. One pleasing event occurred in this gloomy
period. I had the satisfaction of teaching the rudiments of Latin and
Greek to three young gentlemen, who resided in the vicinity. This was
some advantage to me. Besides, it was a pleasant amusement. One of
these young gentlemen was the Rev. Mr Clark, of Norton, who pursued his
studies with me till he entered Cambridge University, and has continued
his friendship for me during life; and his uniform excellent character
I have ever highly appreciated.
The difficulty of taking in such kinds of work as I could do, for I was
not, like my sister, ingenious in all kinds of needle work, induced me,
as the last resort, to attend to my manuscript, with the faint hope
that it might be printed, and afford me some little advantage. I was
far from being sanguine as to the result, even if I accomplished this
object, I had been in the habit of employing myself very diligently
for trifling profits, and those who are in easy circumstances cannot
form an adequate idea of the lively satisfaction I felt, when I could
procure any work by which I could earn a few shillings. This kind of
enjoyment, which Providence has given to the poor, appears intended to
soften the many difficulties in their situation.
I was sensible, that, in printing my manuscript, I had various
obstacles to encounter. It was difficult to procure proper materials
for the work in my sequestered abode. I felt that my ignorance of the
world, and little acquaintance with business, would put me in the
power of every printer to whom I might apply. I, however, resumed my
compilation on an enlarged scale, which included a few of the reasons
which the various denominations give in defence of their different
religious systems. Stimulated by an ardent curiosity, I entered into
the vast field of religious controversy, for which my early reading had
ill prepared me. I perused all the controversial works I could possibly
obtain with the utmost attention, in order to abridge what appeared
to me the most plausible arguments for every denomination. As I read
controversy with a mind naturally wanting in firmness and decision,
and without that pertinacity which blunts the force of arguments which
are opposed to the tenets we have once imbibed, I suffered extremely
from mental indecision, while perusing the various and contradictory
arguments adduced by men of piety and learning in defence of their
respective religious systems. Sometimes my mind was so strongly
excited, that extreme feeling obliged me for a time to lay aside my
employment. Notwithstanding it required much reading to perform my
task, the painful feelings I suffered while preparing my work for
the press far outweighed all the other labor. Reading much religious
controversy must be extremely trying to a female, whose mind, instead
of being strengthened by those studies which exercise the judgment, and
give stability to the character, is debilitated by reading romances
and novels, which are addressed to the fancy and imagination, and are
calculated to heighten the feelings.
After my View of Religions was prepared for the press, the difficulty
still remained of finding any printer willing and able to print
it without money immediately paid. But at length, after various
perplexities, this compilation was put to the press in 1784. The profit
to myself was very small; for, as it might well have been expected
from my father’s inexperience in the business of book making, he was
completely duped by the printer, in making the bargain. After being
at the trouble of procuring upwards of four hundred subscribers, all
the compensation I was able to obtain, was only fifty books; and I was
obliged to find a sale for them, after the printer, (whose name, out of
respect to his descendants, I omit to mention,) had received all the
subscription money. As my books sold very well, the printer must have
made something handsome by the publication.
The effect of reading so much religious controversy, which had been
very trying to my mind, was extremely prejudicial to my health, and
introduced a train of the most painful nervous complaints. I was at
length brought so low, that the physician who attended me supposed I
was in a decline. But after a tedious interval of extreme suffering,
I began gradually to recover; and afterwards found my complaints were
increased, by following the injudicious advice of the physician who
attended me. To the skill and attention of my friend Dr Mann, formerly
of Wrentham, I owe, under Heaven, the preservation of my life at this
period.
Soon after I began to recover, I received a letter from the printer
of my View of Religions, informing me that he had sold the greatest
part of the edition, and was about to reprint it; and requesting me
to inform him if I wished to make any additions to my work. As I had
the precaution to secure the copy-right, agreeably to the law passed
in Massachusetts, 1783, I returned a laconic answer, forbidding him to
reprint it; and he finally relinquished the design.
The information, that the first edition of my View of Religions
was sold, gave me the idea of reprinting it for my own benefit. But
as I was entirely destitute of pecuniary resources, ignorant of the
world, incapable of conducting business, and precluded from almost
all intercourse with persons of literature and information, and
consequently destitute of friends who were able and willing to assist
me, the execution of the plan was extremely difficult. Even the few
friends I had gained at that time supposed the disadvantages in my
situation too great to encourage my undertaking. Instead of assisting
me, they considered my plan as chimerical, and depressed my hopes and
discouraged my exertions.
While I was struggling with embarrassments and difficulties, I was
involved in the deepest affliction by the death of the beloved sister,
whom I mentioned in the preceding Chapter. I then experienced the
keenest anguish the human heart can feel in losing a friend.
Dearer than life, or aught below the skies,
The bright ideas and romantic schemes
Of perfect love, and friendship, fancy paints,
In her I realized.
To describe the excess of my grief on this occasion would be altogether
impossible. Those, only, who have formed the highest ideas of
friendship, and have considered their earthly happiness as dependent
upon the life of one beloved object, on whose judgment they relied,
and in whom they found comfort and support in every difficulty and
affliction, can form an adequate idea of what I felt on this occasion;
which led me to exclaim,
And is she dead! My life, my all is gone.
The world’s a desert. Nothing now on earth
Can yield me joy, or comfort.
The death of my beloved sister made me feel almost alone in the
world. Our joys and sorrows, and all our interests were so closely
blended, that I nearly identified her existence with my own. Everything
appeared gloomy in my situation. My health was feeble; I was entirely
destitute of property; my father’s circumstances were very low; and I
had no other relation or friend from whom I might expect to derive
assistance. But notwithstanding all the difficulties in my situation, I
determined to use every possible exertion to help myself; considering
that, if I was unsuccessful in attempting to extricate myself from
poverty, my efforts would awaken the activity of my mind, and preserve
me from sinking under the weight of affliction I sustained in losing
the best of sisters. It was, perhaps, a happy circumstance, that
necessity stimulated me to exertion in this most gloomy period of my
existence.
After I began to prepare the additions to my View of Religions, I found
it required a great effort to detach my mind from the recollection of
past sufferings, and force myself to that mental exertion which is
naturally so congenial to my mind. At length, however, I completed the
task of preparing my work for the press. I had previously, in 1790,
sent a petition to Congress, which was presented by the late Fisher
Ames, Esq. for a general law to be passed, to secure to authors the
copy-right of their publications. I now applied to a large number of
printers to know on what terms they would publish my work. But, though
I wrote nearly the same letter to all, consisting of a few direct
questions, their answers were generally various, prolix, and ambiguous.
I at length concluded to accept the terms of one of the printers to
whom I applied, who offered me one hundred dollars in books, for an
edition of one thousand copies. When I went to Boston for this purpose,
a friend of mine introduced me to the Rev. Mr Freeman, whom I had only
once before seen: but I was well apprised of his benevolent character,
which I found more than realized the ideas which I had formed of it
from report. I shall ever recollect the generous interest he took in
my affairs, with the most lively gratitude. He removed my perplexity,
by transacting the business with the printer. By his advice, a
subscription paper was published; and I soon found the benefit of his
patronage, in procuring a large number of subscribers, and concluding
an advantageous bargain for me with Mr Folsom, the printer. The second
edition was published in 1791; and the emolument I derived from it not
only placed me in a comfortable situation, but enabled me to pay the
debts I had contracted during mine and my sister’s illness, and to put
out a small sum upon interest.