ago, that; but I've lived long enough to see and know that I was a great
fool then. You'll come to that, if you don't run to seed before. I see
now that what I then thought was smartness, was mere smoke; and it was
a great deal of smoke with the smallest quantity of fire. The people I
thought amounted to nothing, and whom I symbolized with a cipher, were
merely reflections of my own small, addled brain. I, too, thought the
old man slow, _passé_, stupid. I took him for a muff. He must have known
I was twice that. What does one of the boys at nineteen care for advice?
_I_ didn't--_you_ don't. It went in at the right ear and out over the
left shoulder. Old gent said he'd been there; I said I was going. I
did go. So did his money. My talent--if that's what you call it--was
centrifugal, not centripetal. I was a radical out-and-outer, as to
funds. I made lots of friends--you should have seen them. They swarmed--
when there was any thing in my pocket. They left me alone in solitude at
other times. At twenty-nine I got pretty well along in life. But I find
I did not know so much as at nineteen. I had seen something of the
world, and also something of myself. The more I saw and studied the
latter individual, the less I thought of him. I began sincerely to
believe he was a humbug. At thirty-nine, I knew he was; or rather had
been. By that time he had begun to mend--had he? He had married, and
there was call for mending, equally as to ways, means, and garments.
From that hour I cultivated in different fields. My wild oats were all
_raked_ in. I was getting away from nineteen very rapidly--happily
receding from the boy of _that_ period. Mrs. BROWNGREEN beheld a man
devoted to domestics and the dailies. The clubs I left behind me--twice
a week. I was at home early--in the morning. I kept careful watch of my
goings and comings--so did my curious neighbors. I had my family around
me--also sheriffs and trades-people. I stood tolerably well in the
community; for I was straight in those times even when in straits. But
there was one stand I never did like to take--anywhere in sight of my
tailors. They were ungrateful. I _gave_ them any amount of patronage,
and they turned on me and wanted me to pay for it. That's the way of the
world. It wants much, and it wants it long; and when its bills come in,
it is found to be the latter dimensions with an emphasis.
Well, boys, when you get out of the nineteens, you will begin to learn
something. First of all, that you don't know much of any thing. That's
the beginning of wisdom, though twenty is pretty well on to begin at a
good school. You will learn that frogs are not so large as elephants,
and that a gas-bag is sure to end in a collapse. You will learn that the
greatest fool is he who thinks he sees such in everybody else. You
will learn that all women are _not_ angels, nor all people older than
yourself "old fogies." You will see that humanity--or its best type--is
not made of equal parts of assurance, twenty-five cent cigars, Otard
punches, swallow-tail coats, and flash jewelry; and that the chances, in
the proportion of nine to one, are that "one of the boys" at nineteen is
one of the noodlest of noodles.
Truly,
JEREMIAH BROWNGREEN, _An Old Boy of Sixty-nine_.
* * * * *
THE INDIAN.
Indians were the first inhabitants of this country. "Lo!" was the first,
only, and original aboriginal. His statue may be seen outside of almost
any cigar-store. His descendants are still called "Low," though often
over six feet in height. The Indian is generally red, but in time of war
he becomes a "yeller." He lives in the forest, and is often "up a tree."
Indians believe in ghosts, and when the Spirit moves them, they move
the Spirits. (N.B. They have no excise law.) They have an objection to
crooked paths, preferring to take every thing "straight." Although fond
of rum, they do not possess the Spirit of the old Rum-uns. They
are deficient in all metals except brass. This they have in large
quantities. The Indian is very benevolent; and believing that "uneasy
lies the head that wears a crown," he often scalps his friends to allow
them to sleep better. This is touching in the extreme. He is also very
hospitable, often treating his captives to a hot Stake. This is also
touching--especially to the captive. He is very ingenious in inventing
new modes of locomotion. Riding on a rail is one of these. This is done
after dinner, in order to aid the digestion, although they often "settle
your hash" in a different way. Indians are independent, and can "paddle
their own canoes." It is very picturesque to see an Indian, who is a
little elevated, in a Tight canoe when the water is High. (No allusion
to LONGFELLOW'S "Higherwater" is intended.) Indians are pretty good
shots, often shooting rapids. Their aim is correct; but as Miss CAPULET
observes, "What's in an aim?" (Answer in our next.) They are also
skilful with the long-bow. This does not, however, indicate that they
take an arrow view of things. Not at all. Sometimes, when reduced by
famine, they live on arrow-root. Sometimes they dip the points of their
arrows in perfume, after which they (the arrows, not the Indians) are
Scent. That this fact was known to Mr. SHAKESPEARE is shown by his line,
"Arrows by any other name would smell as wheat."
What is meant by the allusion to wheat is not quite clear; but it
probably refers to old Rye. An Indian may be called the Bow ideal of a
man. And then, again, he may not. It is a bad habit to call names. The
Western people have given up the Bow, but still retain the Bowie. "Hang
up the fiddle and the bow," (BYRON.) Perhaps it is arrowing to their
feelings. Perhaps it is not. The Indian is different from the Girl of
the Period. He has "two strings to his bow," while she has two beaux "on
a string."
* * * * *
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
When the _Daily Trombone_ warns the POPE of Rome that his course is
prejudicial to the interests of true Catholics, the venerable prelate
doubtless adopts a new policy forthwith. When the _Evening Slasher_
informs NAPOLEON that unless he conciliates the people of France his
dynasty will be overthrown, the Emperor doubtless at once confers with
his Minister of State concerning the advice thus proffered. When the
_Morning Pontoon_ warns VICTORIA that her persistent seclusion is
damaging to the cause of the throne, Her Gracious Majesty, without
doubt, changes her habits of life instanter. When the _Sunday Blowpipe_
sagely informs BISMARCK that he is a blunderer, the great diplomatist is
probably thrown into convulsions by the appalling intelligence. When the
_Weekly Gasmeter_ coolly accuses the Czar of Russia of insincerity and
double-dealing, that potentate doubtless writes a private note to the
editor, defending his honor and policy. When the _Gridiron_ advises
VICTOR EMMANUEL to be less rigid in his diplomacy, or he will regret
it, beyond question V.E., alarmed and chagrined, reverses his policy in
accordance with the advice tendered. When the _Daily Pumpkin_ informs
GRANT that the people are disappointed in him, he simply smokes.
* * * * *
Very Fishy!
An English exchange speaks of the Emperor of Russia as "a queer fish."
Must we infer from this that he is a Czar-dine?
[Illustration: RATHER A HARD HIT.
_Emily, (in conflict with the new Parson.)_ "THAT FASHIONS MAY BE
CARRIED TO EXTREMES, I ADMIT; BUT WOMEN, AT LEAST, TRY TO DISPLAY
_their_ PHRENOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE.]
* * * * *
HIGH CHURCH AND LOW CHURCH.
We are frequently asked what is the difference between High Church and
Low Church?
We inquired of a Low Churchman for his definition of a High Churchman.
Well, said he, a High Churchman is a----Well, he is a----Well, I should
say he was a----Well, hang me, he is a----a High Old Pharisee.
We next inquired of a High Churchman what made a brother Low Churchman?
Well, he is a----Well, I say he is a----Well, some people call him a----
Yes, he is a----Well, he is a darned Low Pharisee.
We hope our efforts in getting at the truth are eminently satisfactory
to all interested, as they are to us.
* * * * *
A Seasonable Hint.
One of the correspondents speaks of being ushered into the august
presence of the President. April presence would have been the more
appropriate expression--not to say First of April presence.
* * * * *
"The Long, Long, Weary Day."
The Philadelphia _Day_.
* * * * *
WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR MAY.
About the first of the month look out for squalls and damp weather. The
sun's rays may be warm, but the beefsteak will be cold. There will be
more or less cloudy days throughout the month--especially more. If the
mornings are not foggy, they will be clear--that is, if the almanacs are
not steeped to the covers in deceit. If we prophesy pleasant weather,
and it should prove stormy and disagreeable, you can have redress by
calling at the office of PUNCHINELLO.
* * * * *
GREELEY ON BAILEY.
The _Tribune_ extenuates the defalcations of Collector BAILEY, on the
ground that "he fought the crowd" (other revenue defaulters) "zealously,
effectively, persistently," etc. Suppose that Mr. GREELEY, while
pursuing his wild career in the dire places of the city, should fall
in with a gang of pickpockets, and get hustled. Suppose that a strong
fellow came along and drove away the thieves. Suppose that the strong
fellow then "went through" Mr. GREELEY, and eased him of his purse,
watch, and magnificent diamond jewelry. Would Mr. GREELEY extenuate
the outrage because the strong fellow had previously "fought the crowd
zealously, effectively, persistently"?
* * * * *
California Bank Ring.
The California Bank went back on the greenbacks. Congress, being not so
green, went back on the California Bank Ring. It was not a Ring of the
true metal.
* * * * *
In Vino, etc.
Wine merchants should never advertise. "Good Wine needs no Push."
* * * * *
INTERESTING TO BONE-BOILERS.
Comparative osteology has ever been a favorite study with PUNCHINELLO in
his lighter hours. He loves to compare a broiled bone with a devilled
bone, and thinks them both good; but he fails to hit upon an adequate
comparison for the boiled bones that poison the air of certain city
localities with their concentrated stenches. Why don't the Health
Inspectors make a descent upon the boilers of bones, and Bone their
boilers?
* * * * *
"Jersey Lightning"
That most of the so-called foreign wines sold here are made in
New-Jersey, is proved by the strong Bergen-dy flavor possessed by them.
* * * * *
Sutro the Dore(r).
Sutro, having bored Congress to grant him a royalty on all the ore taken
out of the Comstock lode, now proposes to bore the Nevada mountains. He
says there are loads of silver in that lode. The principal metal thus
far shown by SUTRO is native brass. SUTRUO asks only the Letter of the
law--the royal--T.
* * * * *
Query.
Does it follow that a FREAR charter will secure a Freer municipal
election?
* * * * *
BOOK NOTICES.
A BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. Edited and published by GAIL HAMILTON.
New York: HURD & HOUGHTON.
A regular equinoctial Gail goes whirling and tearing through tin leaves
of this smart book. Its aim is to riddle and rip up the system by which
certain publishing houses crush authors, and defraud them of their
proper dues. The book is written with spirit, and has been issued in a
very attractive form by the Riverside Press.
HANS BRETTMANN IN CHURCH, WITH OTHER NEW BALLADS. By CHARLES G. LELAND.
Philadelphia: T.B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.
Mr. LELAND, so well known as one of the most learned of our German
scholars, has made a specialty of the character known in this country
as a "Dutchman." The little volume under notice, which has been very
tastefully set forth by Messrs. PETERSON, contains much amusing matter,
couched in that queer compound of German and English in the manufacture
of which Mr. LELAND excels.
* * * * *
We are indebted to Messrs. GURNEY & SON for a number of photographs of
public characters, executed in the best manner of the art. The "mugs"
issued by Messrs. GURNEY are quite equal, if not superior, to that most
celebrated of all mugs, the "Holy Grail."
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
SENATE.
[Illustration with letter 'A']
Action in Congress has not been very lively of late. It is Lent; and the
exhilarating sort of entertainment provided by the "high requiem" of
a SUMNER, or the wild warbling of a DRAKE, is considered to be
unseasonable. The Senate is not a faster, though Senator SUMMER'S tongue
goes faster than any body else's in it; nor yet a prayer, though Senator
YATES is undeniably Prairie in his oratory; but it is a humiliation. As
Lord ASHBURNHAM well remarked when he saw it in its fresh hey-day,
we may repeat in its old salt-hay-day, "'Pon mee sole, uno, it is a
pudding-headed lot of duffers."
PUNCHINELLO finds nothing to make his weekly abstract and brief
chronicle of this asylum for elderly and uninteresting lunatics about
without making it too weakly. In the language of Bishop POTTER, when
asked by the Rev. Dr. DIX what he would do in the event of a heart
turning up, "I'll pass" to--
THE HOUSE,
which never fails to amuse and instruct. Mr. COX has been making a
shocking speech about the tariff. Mr. COX remarked that he once thought
there was nothing like it. But I have been travelling about since, he
said, with a summer-mote in my own buck eye in search of Winter Sunbeams
in my Corsican brother's. I have been in Corsica, and of Corsican find a
parallel of the latitude of this tariff in the leg ends of the robbers,
by which I do not mean the ankles of the Forty Thieves, whom I had
the pleasure of seeing in company with my "constituents of the Sixth
Congressional District of the City of New-York." Well, then, there was
a robber in Corsica of the name of PELEG HIGGINS, who found that his
business in the Robbin Rednest line was suffering from the opposition
of several other robbers in the neighbor and robbin' hood, who "went
through" his victims, to use an expressive phrase common among my
constituents, before he had his chance. PELEG thereupon went to the
priest of the parish, who assessed the sins of the robbers of that
vicinity, and offered him half the proceeds of his future crimes if
he would increase his tariff of penances on the opposition firms. The
priest drew up a schedule of the Whole Duties of Man. It was practically
prohibitory on murders, and robberies were assessed from sixty to eighty
per cent _ad valorem_. The other robbers remonstrated. The priest said
he would protect his parishioners. PELEG is now very much respected,
and owns an iron and log rolling establishment. The other robbers were
driven out of the business. That, Mr. COX said, was the origin of the
Protective Tariff.
Mr. KELLEY wished to know how much British Gold Mr. COX had received
for his infamous harangue. As for him, he was bound to protect his
constituents (Mr. COX, "Parishioners;" and laughter on the Democratic,
or other, side of Mr. KELLEY'S mouth.) As to the charge that he was
behind the age, it was absurd. Every Philadelphian knew that nobody
could be behind the Age. He advocated the principle expressed by the
Pennsylvanian bard,
You tickle me and
I'll tickle you.
Mr. LOGAN said the army ought to be reduced; and he treated with scorn
General SHERMAN'S intimation that it ought not to be reduced. General
SHERMAN had once told him that there was a Major-General whom the army
could spare. He (LOGAN) was a Major-General at the time. He did not know
whom General SHERMAN meant. He did not see the use of the regular army,
or of West-Point. In his State a man could get along just as well
without knowing any thing; and what was the sense of teaching officers?
The more they knew, the more they wanted to know. Give them an inch, and
they would take an ell. He didn't know what an ell an ell was, and he
didn't want to. He was willing to provide a staff, but not a crutch.
Mr. SLOCUM said he hoped it was not unparliamentary to observe that the
gentleman who preceded him didn't know what he was talking about. The
French staff is larger than our staff. So is the British United Service
Club. So is the Irish shillelagh. If the reductions proposed were
carried "out," the staff would stick at nothing. The arms of the service
might get on without a staff, but how about the legs.
* * * * *
Allurements of the Period.
Novelty and nakedness are the elements to which modern managers of plays
and shows chiefly look for success. A new song, the name if which it is
unnecessary to give, has brought fresh fame and renewed fortune to the
proprietors of a celebrated minstrel theatre. Legs have contributed
their might to fill the coffers of some of our leading theatrical
managers--legs of the feminine gender, with much display about them, but
no drapery. Thus it will be seen that New Ditty in the one case, and
Nudity in the other, have taken the great public by the forelock and
led it to where the minstrels gesticulate, and the legs and footlights
quiver. And now the "lower animals" are touched by the whim of the
period, a leading attraction on the bills of the Circus being an
equestrian performance with "four naked horses."
* * * * *
Sartorial.
A TAYLOR carried through the Mexican war; a DRAPER writes the history of
the civil war. Drapers and Taylors such as these understand how to mend
national Breaches.
* * * * *
A Fatal Technicality.
"Wimming" have their rights in Wyoming; but then Wyoming can never
become "Woming" Territory. And what's to prevent it? Y, don't you
see?--that letter won't let her.
* * * * *
BROADBRIM TO ABORIGINE.
Friend PIEGAN! with the war-paint on thy cheek,
I am thy friend; pray listen, then, to me--
Nay, do not scalp me!--may a Friend not speak?
Put up thy knife: I draw no knife on thee.
Friend PIEGAN! can thee count the forest leaves?
For every leaf, thee counts a Pale Face too!
Full many strokes the Red Man now receives:
But, PIEGAN friend, what can the Red Man do?
The Small-Pox and the Fever strike him down;
The White Man is his foe: he cannot live!
For the Great Spirit tells him, with a frown,
All men shall perish that will not forgive!
The Pale Face has been here? thy child is killed?
But little scales are hanging to thy belt!
Say, when thy father's heart with wrath was filled,
Did not thee know how thy White Brother felt?
Now, PIEGAN friend! thee has enough of war!
Bury the hatchet, and thy arrows break;
Wait for the Happy Hunting Grounds afar--
A Reservation that they cannot take!
The Latest from Albany.
'All--O.K. till December.
* * * * *
Up and Down.
The almost universal cry, "Down with the taxes!" is inconsistent in one
sense, because if taxes were Down, they would certainly be extremely
light.
* * * * *
Running and Reid-in.
And now MAYNE REID is announced as having a lecture on BYRON. At this
rate we shall soon have BYRON'S memory embalmed in Stowe-Reid greatness.
* * * * *
Good Roaming Catholics.
The Sisters of Charity.
A VISIT TO "SHERIDAN'S RIDE."
PHILADELPHIA, March 26, 1870.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:
Taking my way along Chestnut Street a few days since, I found my
progress arrested at Tenth Street by a great current of humanity, that
swept with resistless force into the entrance to the Academy of Fine
Arts.
I, too, entered, and, passing around the familiar group of the "Centaurs
and Lapithæ," which stands beneath the dome, was hurried breathlessly
onward by the throng, until I found myself face to face with that
_chef-d'oeuvre_ of modern art, T. BUCHANAN READ'S painting of
"SHERIDAN'S Ride."
Give the reins to your imagination, now, (a little horse-talk is
appropriate here,) and behold one thousand men and women, of refined
and cultivated tastes, doing tearful homage to the genius of the great
Poetaster--pardon me, Mr. T.B.R., Poet-artist was what I meant to have
said.
From these my critical orbs now wandered to the painting; from the
painting to PUGH, (the astute "engineer" of the "show,") and then to the
painting again. "What drawing!" remarked I. (PUGH smiled, and glanced
approvingly at the audience.) "There is much freedom and boldness in
it," continued I. "It is very broad, rich in color, and--" "In a word,"
interrupted a friend of mine, whose grandfather was a Frenchman, "full
of _chic_!" (PUGH blushed.)
Admirable and truthful, indeed, is the expression imparted by the artist
to the fleet General who suddenly became famous by being Twenty Miles
away from the Post of Duty!
The flashing eye; the close-cut military style of the hair; the fierce
moustache; the row of three buttons marking exalted grade; the vigorous
yet graceful movement of the sword-arm, and the cap disappearing in
the distance, indicative of the remarkable time making by the
"horsenman"--all these are admirable points in the picture, and worthy
of being closely studied by the student of Art.
As I gazed, a shock-headed young man, with a very red nose, whom I at
once recognized as a student of the Life Class, sneeringly observed that
the "flourish of the sword smelt a little of the foot-lights." (Artists
are ever jealous.)
It is easy to see that the clever painter of "SHERIDAN'S Ride" has
meaning in the flourish of the sabre. It indicates that his fleet hero
uses the weapon, not to "fright the souls of fearful adversaries," but
to accelerate with frequent whacks the speed of his heroic charger.
The horse has observable points, too, and especially one that might
be called by the superficial critic "faulty drawing." I refer to the
extraordinary fore-shortening--if the expression is in this case
allowable--of that part of the animal which extends from the saddle
backward. In this, again, there is a touch of nature that genius only
can impart. For what is more conceivable than that the hinder parts of
the heroic steed might have been cut away by an unlucky slash with the
edge of the sabre? There is precedent for this. Every schoolboy can
recall a similar accident which befell the horse of MUNCHAUSEN as he
dashed beneath the descending portcullis. And, as from that famous
steed's hind-quarters there sprang an arborescent shelter, so, also, as
a result of SHERIDAN'S "scrub race," do laurels shade that hero's brows.
My views of the cause of this fore-shortening are enforced when I state
that there is a fine atmospheric effect about the horse's tail, which
seems to indicate that it was considerably in the rear.
There can be no greater tribute to the powers of the artist, or the
worth of the heroic "horsenman," than the crowds which daily, in these
heretofore silent and hallowed precincts, "wake the echoes with sounds
of praise."
Yonder is "Death on the Pale Horse." As I gazed, Death smiled with
approval at "SHERIDAN'S Ride," and the stony figure of GERMANICUS "leant
upon his sword and wiped away a tear."...
Suddenly a pistol-shot rang through the vaulted aisles, and, amid the
shouts of men and shrieks of affrighted women, I ascertained that
a daring rebel, (one EARLY,) moved by the wondrous fidelity of
the picture, had drawn a revolver, and fired at the "counterfeit
presentment" of the man who had humbled him at Winchester.
Amid the confusion, a manly voice shouted, "Three cheers for the Hero of
Winchester!"
"That's Wright!" yelled the shock-headed young man with the red nose....
Then I left the scene, pondering as I went, "What manner of painter is
this, who can so deftly limn the features of a hero as to draw tears
from his worshippers and bullets from his foes?" And, as I pondered,
that abstruse conundrum of CHURCH, the artist, came to my mind: "What
if, after all, READ, your brush should steal the laurels from your pen?"
"What," indeed?
CHROMO.
[Illustration: CHARLEY, WHO HAS HAD HIS HAIR DRESSED AT THE BARBER'S,
SHOWS HIS LITTLE BROTHER, WITH THE AID OF THE CRUET-STAND, HOW IT IS
DONE.]
A Long Look-out.
The dome on the new court-house is expected to be completed by Domesday.
* * * * *
Appropriate.
Lester Wallack has his "Tayleure" travelling with him during his
"starring" trip.
* * * * *
"PLEASE THE PIGS."
Foreign Pig, we observe, furnishes a topic just now for writers in the
daily papers. IRON-ically speaking, pig, in the sense referred to, means
a lump of metal; but the _World_ of March 26th has an accidental,
though none the less curious, "cross-reading," which brings foreign pig
directly into contact with domestic. It says, (the _World_, not the
pig.)
"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32."
Precisely on a line with this, in the next column, appears the
following.
"What between hogs and policemen, drunken women are being rapidly
exterminated in Philadelphia."
The _World's_ cross-reading is a capital one, bringing the pigs together
nicely, and suggesting the following remarks:
"Protected foreign pig in New-York, $32," very aptly applies to the
gangs of imported burglars and ruffians of all sorts who run riot in our
midst, and who can generally insure the "protection" of the police by a
_douceur_ so paltry even as $32.