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Vol. 1 No. 3.
PUNCHINELLO
[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO Will Exhibit Every Saturday Admission 10 cts]
SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.
PUNCHINELLO.
APRIL 16, 1870.
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With a large and varied experience in the management and publication
of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the still more
positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.
OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,
Presents to the public for approval, the
NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL
WEEKLY PAPER,
PUNCHINELLO,
The first number of which will be issued under date of April 2, 1870,
and thereafter weekly.
PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will endeavor to
become a household word in all parts of the country; and to that end has
secured a
VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS
in various sections of the Union, while its columns will always be open
to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.
PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, without
vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a
superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for
sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good
thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.
The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. Stephens, whose
celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of
humorous artists, assisted by leading artists in their respective
specialties.
The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. STEPHENS,
with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were
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ORIGINAL ARTICLES,
Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or
sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always
acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.
Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage-stamps are
inclosed.
Terms:
One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies, ten cents. A
specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One
copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper price,
$2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper price, $4, for 7 00
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THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
FROU-FROU.
[Illustration with letter 'T']
This nice little French drama has now been running at the FIFTH AVENUE
THEATRE more than seven weeks. It is the story of a man who killed the
seducer of his wife, and then forgave and received back again the guilty
woman.
The same tragic farce was played in Washington some eleven years ago.
The actor who played the part of the outraged husband made an effective
hit at the time, but he has never repeated the performance. Since then
he has become a double-star actor in a wider field, There are those who
insist that he is an ill-starred actor in a general way; but as he has
left the country, we can leave those who regard his absence as a good
riddance of bad rubbish, and those who call it a Madriddance of good
rubbish, to discuss his merits at their leisure.
After the execution of unnecessary quantities of noisy overture by the
orchestra, the play begins. Soon after, the audience arrives. It is a
rule with our play-goers never to see the first scene of any drama.
This rule originates in a benevolent wish to permit the actors to slide
gradually into a consciousness that somebody is looking at them; thus
saving them from the possibility of stage-fright. Simple folks, who do
not understand the meaning of the custom, erroneously regard it as an
evidence of vulgarity and discourtesy.
The first act is not exciting. Mr. G.H. CLARKE, in irreproachable
clothes, (the clothes of this actor's professional life become him, if
any thing, better than his acting,) offers his hand to FROU-FROU, a
small girl with a reckless display of back-hair, and is accepted, to the
evident disgust of her sensible sister, LOUISE.
_Sympathetic Young Lady who adores that dear Mr. Clarke_.--"How sweetly
pretty! Do the people on the stage talk just like the _real_ French
aristocracy?"
_Travelled friend, knowing that persons in the neighborhood are
listening for his reply_--"Well, yes. To a certain extent, that is."
(_It suddenly occurring to him that nobody can know any thing about the
Legitimists, he says confidently_.) "They haven't the air, you know, of
the genuine old Legitimist _noblesse_. As to BONAPARTE'S nobility, I
don't know much about them."
_He flatters himself that he has said a neat thing, but is posed by an
unexpected question from the Sympathetic Young Lady, who asks--_"Who are
the great Legitimist families, nowadays?"
"Well, the--the--(_can't think of any name but St. Germain, and so says
boldly_,) the St. Germains, and all the rest of 'em, you know." (_He is
sorely tempted to add the St. Clouds and the Luxembourgs, but prudently
refrains_.)
The second act shows the husband lavishing every sort of tenderness and
jewelry upon the wife, who is developing a strong tendency to flirt.
She insists that her sister LOUISE shall join the family and accept the
position of Acting Assistant Wife and Mother, while she herself gives
her whole mind to innocent flirtation.
_Worldly-wise Matron of evident experience_--"The girl's a fool. Catch
me taking a pretty sister into my house!"
_Brutal Husband of the Matron suggests_--"But she might have done so
much worse, my dear. Suppose she had given her husband a mother-in-law
as a housekeeper?"
_Matron, with suppressed fury_--"Very well, my dear. If you can't
refrain from insulting dear mother, I shall leave you to sit out the
play alone."
(_Sh--sh--sh! from every body. Curtain rises again_.) More attentions to
pretty wife, repaid by more flirtation at her husband's expense. Finally
FROU-FROU decides that LOUISE manages the household so admirably that
misery must be the result. As a necessary consequence of this logical
conclusion, she rushes out of the house with a gesture borrowed from RIP
VAN WINKLE, and an expressed determination to elope.
_Jocular Man remarks_--"Now, then, CLARKE can go to Chicago, get a
divorce, and marry LOUISE."
_This practical suggestion is warmly reprobated by the ladies who
overhear it, one of whom remarks with withering scorn_--"Some people
think it _so_ smart to ridicule every thing. To my mind there is nothing
more vulgar."
_The Jocular Man, refusing to be withered, assures the Travelled Man
confidentially that_--"The play is frightful trash, and as for the
acting, why, your little milliner in the Rue de la Paix could give MISS
ETHEL any odds you please." (_Both look as though they remembered some
delightfully improper Parisian dissipation, and in consequence rise
rapidly in the estimation of the respectable ladies who are within
hearing_.)
After the orchestra has given specimens of every modern composer, the
fourth act begins. FROU-FROU is found living at Venice with her lover.
Her husband surprises her. He is pale and weak; but, returning her the
amount of her dower, goes out to shoot the lover.
_Rural Person announces as a startling discovery_--"That's Miss AGNES
ETHEL who's a-playin' FROW-FROW. Well, now, she ain't nothin' to LYDDY
THOMPSON."
_Jocular Man says to his Travelled Friend_--"The idea of Miss ETHEL
trying to act like a French-woman! Did you hear how she pronounced
_Monsieur_?"
_Travelled Man smiles weakly, conscious of the imperfections of his own
pronunciation. To his dismay, the Sympathetic Young Lady asks_--"What
does that horrid man mean? How do you pronounce the word he talks
about?"
_Travelled Man, with desperation_--"It ought to be pronounced m--m--m--"
(_ending in an inaudible murmur_.)
"What? I didn't quite hear."
_The Travelled Man will catch at a straw. He does so, and says_--"Excuse
me, but the curtain is rising."
FROU-FROU, in a dying state and a black dress, with her back-hair neatly
arranged, is brought into her husband's house to die. He kneels at her
feet. "You must not die. I am alone at fault. Forgive me sweet angel,
and live." With the only gleam of good sense which she has yet shown,
FROU-FROU refuses to live, and dropping her head heavily on the arm of
the sofa, with a blind confidence that the thickness of her chignon will
save her from a fractured skull, she peremptorily dies.
_Subdued sobs from the audience, with the single exception of the
Jocular Man, who says_--"Well, if that's moral, I don't know what's
immoral; and I did think I had lived long enough in Paris to know that."
With which opinion we heartily coincide, adding also the seriously
critical remark that though Messrs. DAVIDGE and LEWIS play their comic
parts with honest excellence, and though Mr. CLARKE is really a good
actor in spite of his popularity with the ladies of the audience, Miss
ETHEL, upon whom the whole play depends, is so obviously incompetent to
personate a brilliant and _spirituelle_ Parisienne that one wonders at
the popularity of FROU-FROU. The majority of the audience are ladies.
Can it be that they like the play because it teaches that the sins of a
pretty woman should be condoned by her husband, provided she looks well
with her back-hair down?
MATADOR.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO AND THE ALDERMEN.
The City Aldermen have called in a body to pay their respects to
PUNCHINELLO. PUNCHINELLO has not returned the compliment, since he likes
neither their looks, their diamonds, or their diamond-cut-diamond ways.
They curb streets by resolution, but they have not resolution enough to
keep the streets from curbing them. They gutter highways, but oftenest
let Low Ways gutter them. They wear fine shirt-fronts, but resort
to sorry and disreputable shifts in order to procure them. They are
gorgeously and gorged-ly badged with the City Arms in gold, but no city
arms open to badger them with golden opinions; and, altogether, the
Aldermen pass so many bad things that PUNCHINELLO can afford to let
them pass like bad dimes, before they are nailed to the counter of that
Public Opinion to which they run counter.
* * * * *
Will the Aldermen Respond?
Do they who took up the SEWARD intend to perish by the SEWARD?
[Footer: Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York.]
HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.
Since the first publication of the hints to economically disposed
families, PUNCHINELLO has received a great number of letters from all
parts of the country, cordially indorsing his course. One gentleman
writes that he has already saved enough money from the diminution in the
cost of his wife's pins (in consequence of her having adopted the plan
of keeping them stuck into a stuffed bag) to warrant him in subscribing
to this paper for a year. Many of the readers of our first number write
us that they now never take a meal except from a board, or a series of
boards, supported by legs, as PUNCHINELLO recommended. Highly encouraged
by this evidence of their usefulness, PUNCHINELLO hastens to offer
further advice of the same valuable character.
It may have been frequently noticed that all families require food at
certain intervals, generally three times a day, and in the case of
children even oftener. The cost of providing this food at the butcher,
baker, and provision shops is necessarily very great, and it is well,
then, to understand how a very good substitute for store-food may be
prepared at home. In order to make this preparation, procure from your
grocer's a quantity of flour--ordinary wheat flour--buying much or
little, according to the size of your family. This must then be placed
in a tin-pan, and mixed with water, salt, and yeast, according to taste.
If the mass is now placed by the fire, a singular phenomenon will be
observed, to which it will be well to draw the attention of the whole
family; old and young will witness it with equal surprise and delight.
The whole body of the soft mixture will gradually rise and fill (and
sometimes even overflow) the pan! When not in view by the household,
it will be well to cover the pan with a cloth, on account of dust
and roaches; but it must be observed that a soft and warm bedlike
arrangement will thus be formed, and if the family cat should choose to
make it her resting-place, the mixture will not rise.
After this substance is sufficiently light and spongy, it must be taken
out of the pan and worked up into portions weighing a few pounds each.
But it must _not be eaten_ in this condition, for it would be neither
palatable nor wholesome. It should be put in another pan and placed in
the oven. Then (if there be a fire in the stove or range) it will be
soon hardened and dried by the action of the heat, and will be fit to be
eaten--provided the foregoing conditions have been perfectly understood.
When brought to the table, it should be cut in slices and spread with
molasses, jelly, butter, or honey, and it will be found quite adequate
to the relief of ordinary hunger. A family which has once used this
preparation will never be content without it. Some persons have it at
every meal.
PUNCHINELLO has read with great pleasure a recently published book, by
CATHARINE BEECHER, and her sister Mrs. STOWE, the object of which is
to teach ingenious folks how to make ordinary articles of household
furniture in their leisure hours. One article not mentioned by these
ladies is recommended by PUNCHINELLO to the attention of all economical
families. It having been observed that it is a highly useful practice to
provide for the regular recurrence of meals, bedtime and other household
epochs, an instrument which shall indicate the hour of the day will be
of the greatest advantage. Such a one may thus be made on rainy days or
in the long winter evenings. Procure some thin boards and construct a
small box. If it can be made pointed at one end, with two little towers
to it, so much the better. Make a glass door to it, and paste upon the
lower part of this a picture representing a scene in Spanish Germany.
Paint a rose just under the scene. Then get a lot of brass cog-wheels,
and put them together inside of the box. Arrange them so that they shall
fit into each other and wrap a string around one of them, to the end of
which a lump of lead or iron should be attached. Then put a piece of
tin, with the hours painted thereon, on the upper part of the box,
behind the door, and get two long bits of thin iron, one shorter than
the other, and connect them, by means of a hole in the middle of the
tin, with the cog-wheels inside. Then shut the door, and if this
apparatus has been properly made, it will tell the time of day. Any
thing more convenient cannot be imagined, and the cost of the brass, by
the pound, will not be more than fifteen cents, while the wood, the tin,
and the iron may be had for about ten cents. In the shops the completed
article would be very much more costly.
In his "Hints" PUNCHINELLO always desires to remember the peculiar needs
of the ladies, and will now tell them something that he is sure will
please them. They have all found, in the course of their shopping, that
it is exceedingly difficult to procure at the dry goods stores, any sort
of fabric which is so woven as to fit the figure, and they must have
frequently experienced the necessity of cutting their purchases into
variously-shaped pieces and fastening them together again by means of a
thread. Here is an admirable plan for accomplishing this object. Take a
piece of fine steel wire and sharpen one end of it. Now bore a hole in
the other end, in which insert the thread. If the edges of the cloth are
now placed together, and the wire is forced through them, the operator
will find, to her delight and surprise, that the thread will readily
follow it. If the wire is thus passed through the stuff, backward and
forward, a great many times, the edges will be firmly united. It will
be necessary, on the occasion of the first puncture, to form a hard
convolution at the free end of the thread, so as to prevent it passing
entirely through. This method will be found much more convenient than
the plan of punching holes in the stuff and then sticking the ends
of the thread through them. In the latter case, the thread is almost
certain to curl up, and cause great annoyance.
* * * * *
Dies Iræ.
The Philadelphia _Day_, on account of the immense success of
PUNCHINELLO.
* * * * *
Sporting Query.
Was the fight between the "blondes" and STOREY of Chicago a Fair fight?
* * * * *
Prospect of a Short Water Supply Next Summer.
A convention of milk dealers met this week at Croton Falls to prevent
the adulteration of milk by City dealers.
* * * * *
LATEST FROM WASHINGTON.
Commissioner Piegan, of Montana, submits the outline of a treaty with
the Indians, which embraces the following provisions, (the embracing of
provisions being strictly in character:)
1. No infant under three months of age, and no old man over one hundred
and ten, to be killed by either party in battle.
All women to be killed on sight.
Where the small-pox is raging, the field to be left to the Small-Pox.
2. Presents to Indians to consist chiefly of arms, ammunition, and
whisky.
3. Liquor-sellers and apostles to be encouraged on equal terms.
4. Amateur sportsmen to be warned against killing Indians during the
breeding season.
5. Quakers and VINCENT COLLYER to be assigned to duty at Washington.
6. Four months' notice to be given of any intended attack on a White
camp.
7. In scalping a lady, the rights of property in waterfall and switch to
be sacredly regarded.
8. Declarations of love (during a campaign) to be submitted in writing.
9. The usual atrocities to be observed by both parties.
10. Hostilities to terminate when the last Indian lays down his
tomahawk, (to take a drink,) unless sooner shot by his white brethren,
or removed to a new reservation by the small-pox.
Action on this treaty is expected to take place in about ten years.
[Illustration: RATHER PERSONAL. _Ardent Lover._ "THEN, WHY, OH! WHY, DO
YOU SCORN MY HAND?" _Young Lady._ "I HAVE NO FAULT TO FIND WITH YOUR HAND,
BUT I _do_ OBJECT TO YOUR FEET."]
A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR.
IT is now settled that PIERRE BONAPARTE, who has been sentenced by the
High Court of Tours to leave France, is coming to New-York with the
intention of opening a pistol-gallery in partnership with REDDY the
Blacksmith. As the Prince is known to have "polished off" at least four
men with his revolver, his reception by the occupants of "Murderer's
Block" and other famous localities of the city will doubtless be very
enthusiastic. A suite of apartments is now being fitted up for his
accommodation in East-Houston Street--The rooms are very tastefully
decorated with portraits of the late lamented BILLY MULLIGAN and other
celebrated knights of the trigger. The Prince, it is understood, will
drop his title on his arrival here, and enter society as plain PETER
BONAPARTE--thus Englishing PIERRE, because it is French for stone, and
he thinks that his exploits entitle him to take rank in New-York as a
Brick.
* * * * *
The Beginning and Ending of a Chicken's Life. HATCHET.
* * * * *
The Best Envelope for a Sweet Note. "CANARY laid."
* * * * *
WOMAN, PAST AND PRESENT.
DR. LORD, in a lecture lately delivered by him in Boston, on PHILIPPA,
the mother of the BLACK PRINCE, (who was a white woman,) told about
JANE, Countess of MONTFORT, (you all know who _she_ was,) and how She
once defended a fortress and defied a phalanx with eminent success. Of
her the lecturer said,
"Clad in complete armor, she stood foremost in the breach."
She did that, did she, this JANE of old? Tut, sir! that's nothing to our
modern JANES, crowds of whom are now yearning to stand "foremost in the
breeches."
* * * * *
A Bill that the Young Democracy Couldn't Settle. BILL TWEED.
* * * * *
Cool.
ENGLAND has a Bleak house, but New-York has a Bleecker street.
* * * * *
A SOROSIAN IMPROMPTU.
One of the sisters of Sorosis, at the last meeting of the club, was
delivered of the following touching "Impromptu on some beautiful
bouquets of flowers:"
"With hungry eyes we glanced adown
The table nicely spread;
Our appetites were very keen,
And not one word was said,
"Till of a sudden "Ohs!" and "Ahs!"
Gave token of delight,
As, from a magic flower-bed.
Bright buds appeared in sight.
"May this sweet thought suggest the way
In which to spend life's hours;
And we endeavor every day
To scatter fragrant flowers."
The first verse reminds us not a little of several olden nursery rhymes
of a prandial and convivial character, of which the most prominent
is that relating to little JACK HORNER, who sat in a corner eating a
Christmas pie. But even he is not described as having "hungry eyes,"
though there is small doubt but that he had a good appetite, and was
"hungry o' the stomach." It is pleasant to know that the table was
nicely spread, though not as "keen appetites" would have demanded, with
bread and butter; but, as the subject calls for, with flowers--food of a
very proper character for hungry eyes to feed upon. Nor is it any wonder
that those of the sisterhood who went to the table expecting to find
something more substantial than flowers set before them, should at first
sight have been unable to utter one word. And only, after their first
astonishment and disappointment was over, the magical letters O's and
R's, which, we may presume, was a short way of calling for Old Rum,
to restore their drooping spirits, though our poetess, with a woman's
perverseness, would have us believe they were intended as "tokens of
delight."
Of the last verse we can only say that it is an evident plagiarism of
the well-known juvenile poem, commencing,
"How doth the little busy bee
Improve each shining hour,
And gather honey all the day
From every opening flower!"
We confess, though, that we are unable to discover the "sweet thought"
that is to "suggest the way"
"In which to spend life's hours!"
Moreover, we believe it would be tiresome and monotonous to be occupied
"every day" in scattering "fragrant flowers," even if we were certain
that the lovely members of Sorosis would regard them with "tokens of
delight."
"We regard this Impromptu as a failure, and call upon ALICE, and PHEBE,
and CELIA, and other tuneful members of the Sorosis Club to come to the
rescue of their unfortunate sister--the perpetrator of the above verses."
* * * * *
Suggestive.
Our sheriff's initials--J.O.B.
* * * * *
How to Rise Early.
Lie with your head to the (y)east.
* * * * *
Query for Barney Williams.
Is the "Emerald Ring" a Fenian Circle?
* * * * *
Not During Lent.
IT is hardly probable that General GRANT will dismiss FISH from the
Cabinet during Lent.
THE REAL ESTATE OF WOMAN.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: We would not for the _World_--no, nor even for
PUNCHINELLO--cast any reproaches upon the vigorous movement made in
these latter days to find the real estate of woman; but why, tell us
why, should we find enlisted in this cause at present, as members of
the various _Sorosis-ters_, so many single sisters with pretensions to
youth?
[Illustration: THE TOURS OF MRS. JIFFKINS. _Tour_ 1.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A
MAN.]
We have always looked upon the champions of woman's righteousness, those
who believe in the _fee-male absolute_ as the real estate of woman, as
principally married women, whose housekeeping has proved a failure,
(except in the single item of hot water,) and certain ladies who have
lived to mature age without reference to men, and whom no man would take
even with the best of reference.
There surely must be something wrong, somewhere, when those in the
younger walks of age take on this armor.
Where is the need?
Why should they who have never had their young lives blighted by a
husband linger pathetically over the tyranny of the sterner sex?
Instead of shedding all these tears over other people's husbands, they
ought rather to rejoice that they have been spared such inflictions in
the past, and give exceeding great thanks that they are beyond danger of
such in the future.
[Illustration: _Tour_ 2.--SHE SEARCHES FOR A FIRE. "THERE'S SOMETHIN' A
SINGEIN'!"]
There may be other young women (if I may so speak) who are so
heart-broken because of the oppression of their sex, as wives, so
disgusted with the state matrimonial under the present constitution of
society, that they would not marry--oh! no.
Now, we all remember the cogent reason why John refused to partake of
his evening repast, and we assure these young persons that they have
nothing whatever to fear. The danger is past, and they are safe beyond
the possibility of a peradventure.
They are not the kind that men devour. And yet we can not help feeling
pity for them; their experience has been _trying_, but in vain; they
know what it is "to suffer and be strong"-minded; they have learned "to
labor and to wait," and it is well; for in all probability they will
wait for some time.
It may be that the poor creatures are afflicted by the thought
that _perhaps_ they may be called upon to make warning examples of
themselves, and marry; and that _perhaps_ the man they marry may be a
tyrant, and--but the contingency is too remote.
Some tell us that their youthful ardor is to uphold the standard of
woman's mission: they want to work.
Well, all we can say is--_go it_! for under the circumstances, with no
one to work for them, the best possible thing they can do is to work for
themselves. But couldn't they do more, or at least as much, without so
much noise? If they only had plenty to do, and not so much spare time to
talk about what they are going to do, wouldn't they be better off, and
poor frail man be the gainer thereby?
If they could only resolve upon such a course, and stick to it, don't
you think they would receive more aid, material and moral?
Many would gladly contribute of their substance in such a cause, with
overflowing hearts; and the world of man will gladly guarantee to those
who avow their determination not to marry, entire immunity from any
temptation in that direction.
As to the rest--those weak creatures who _will_ be satisfied with
good husbands and broad home-missions--they know no better; they will
continue to move in their limited spheres, benighted but happy, and
every thing will be satisfactory.
Lawyers tell us that since the statutes of 1848, a woman's _real estate_
has been within her own control; we take a broader view: we think it
_always_ has been within her own control by virtue of that old first
statute given to our gentle mother, EVE.
* * * * *
AN OLD BAILEY PRACTITIONER.
In England they have an institution called the Old Bailey. It dealt from
time immemorial in such queer animals as "four-footed recognizances,"
and in such strong assistance to justice as "straw bail" affords. The
court-room of the Old Bailey may be called a historical vat of crime.
Until recently, New-York was Old Bailey-less. Now detectives go about
the streets singing an air which reminds one forcibly of the tune called
"Unfortunate Miss BAILEY," only that it is Mister BAILEY they have
missed. Old BAILEY is really like JOHN GILPIN in two respects; all
rumors about him begin by calling him "a citizen of credit and renown;"
and they generally end by referring to him as a man who was gone to
"dine at--where?"
Our New-York Old BAILEY has disappeared. Either the FULLERTON earthquake
has swallowed him up, or he has gone to the unknown land to which most
Spiritual mediums migrate. There never was a greater Spiritual medium
than Old BAILEY. He has had spirits on the brain during several years
past. He throve on spirits. He had only to rap on casks of spirits, and
greenbacks would rustle therefrom like trailing garments out of the
Spirit-world. He had assistant mediums in all the Federal officers. And
now the question asked of Commissioner DELANO, (who, by the way, in this
respect would gladly become DELA-yes) is "Canst thou call 'spirits from
the vasty deep?' and if thou canst, where is Old BAILEY?" Banker
CLEWS is one of his sureties, but he owns no Clews to his principal's
whereabouts. Do not PUNCHINELLO'S subjects all know that whisk brooms
sweep clean, and that no broom swept cleaner the Augean stables of
Federal plunderers than that wretched Old BAILEY'S whisky broom? There
is, however, an old proverb which claims that industrious brooms soon
wear out. But BAILEY is unlike a broom, in that no one can find a handle
to his whereabouts.
PUNCHINELLO has heard a great deal about the practice of the Old Bailey
in London. He thinks it likely that so long as the Administration
continues to protect Federal plunderers, and to cover their tracks
by attacks against alleged city and State abuses, these Old Bailey
practices recently introduced into the United States Courts and United
States procedure, within or without revenue offices, must soon entitle
a large number of Federal officers, all over the country, to be happily
styled "Old Bailey Practitioners."
* * * * *
A Gay Young Joker.
Thus spake the old Republican Machiavel, THURLOW WEED, a day or two
since, to W.H. SEWARD, the sly old fox with the "little bell."
"TWEED 'l win."
"Tweedle-dee!" retorted SEWARD. "What d'ye mean by that?"
"I mean," rejoined THURLOW, "that his name, T. WEED, is identical with
one that erstwhile loomed largest in the sovereignty of the State of
New-York."
SEWARD smiled.
PHILADELVINGS.
"Mother! mother!" screamed a little girl from above stairs to her
maternal parent in the parlor. "Mother, I've been crying ever so long,
and HANNAH won't pacify me!" And now PUNCHINELLO notices that it is not
only little girls who act in this charming manner; for the Hon. WILLIAM
D. KELLEY, of Philadelphia, has just screamed over the Congressional
banisters that he must be pacified, or he will no longer serve the good
people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania. Therefore some fifteen
hundred of his constituents have written him a letter, and have said
to him, "Dat he sall, de poo itty-witty darling-warling, have his
placey-wacey as longey-wongey as he wants it, and the nasty-wasty
one-legged soldiers sha'n't trouble him for situations any more, so they
sha'n't." So the poor fellow straightens himself up, ceases his sobbing,
and consents to be pacified and take his three thousand a year for a
little while longer. This may do very well for once in a while; but
the Honorable WILLIAM D. announces that, not only does he desire to be
pacified in regard to the people who expect him to get them situations,
but that he wants to be with his family for more than six months in a
year, and that his property affairs are a little mixed. Now, what if he
should ask, next time, that his family shall be assigned apartments in
the Capitol, and that he shall be put on the Grant Category, and be
presented with an estate by his grateful constituents? And suppose he
should declare that he would serve no more unless General LOGAN should
be included among the number of those from whose importunities he is to
be defended? The good Irish blood of WILLIAM D. has always boiled at
the sound of the slogan, for it generally means fight, and he
wants--pacifying. PUNCHINELLO respectfully presents his condolences to
the people of the Fourth District of Pennsylvania, and hopes that they
will have a happy time of it with WILLIAM D.
He has also noticed that the Philadelphians are having a lively and
brotherly dispute over their new public buildings; they don't know where
to put them. Most of the citizens are very much opposed to doing any
thing on the square; that is to say, Independence Square, where the
citizens assert their freedom by treading down all the grass, and making
a mud-flat of what was intended to be a turfy lawn. Some folks want the
buildings on PENN Square--so called because it is split in the middle,
and answers its intended purposes only on paper. But the good Quakers
hate to interfere with the rights of the blacks, whether they be men or
women, and so many of the latter make this square their abiding place
every summer, that it would seem like a violation of the spirit of the
Fifteenth Amendment to disturb them. But there is no doubt that the good
Philadelphians will have their new buildings some day, for they are
very enterprising. Witness the disposition of one of their leading men,
"Slushy" SMITH by name, who wants fifty thousand dollars with which to
open an avenue from the Delaware to Sixth street, basing his claims
upon the fact that such avenue will lead to Fairmount Park! Now, as the
nearest point of the park is two miles and a half from Sixth street, the
vigor of the scheme and the foreseeing character of the projectors are
worthy of a metropolis.
PUNCHINELLO is furthermore delighted to see that a son of PENN has
decided the great question of the Pope's infallibility, which so vexes
our OEcumenical fellow-creatures. POPE has been beheaded at Harrisburg,
and of course there is no further need to discuss his infallibility.
When a man loses his head, he is fallible. To be sure, the case was only
one of a picture of GRANT and his Generals, which hung in the State
Library, and in which POPE'S head was painted out, and Governor GEARY'S
substituted; but the act shows, on the part of the adherents of the
leaden-legged governor, a head-strong determination to proceed to
extremities which has given rise to the gravest apprehensions; but
PUNCHINELLO hopes for the best. It is expected that the Legislature will
soon compel the inhabitants of the City of Fraternites to send their
children to school, whether they like it or not. This is certainly
progression, and PUNCHINELLO now looks confidently forward to a law
compelling all Philadelphians to wash their pavements twice a day; to
have white marble front-steps (without railings) to all their houses; to
build said houses entirely of red brick, with green shutters; to make
their sidewalks of similar bricks, laid unevenly, to agitate passers-by
and so prevent dyspepsia, and that each house shall have at least one
little gutter running over its pavement.
* * * * *
"Lost at Sea."
BOUCICAULT when he wrote the play.
* * * * *
LETTER FROM A FRIEND.
FRIEND PUNCHINELLO:
Thee is right welcome; but thee should look upon this as a city of
Friends, and not place it in thy wicked pages, but rather in thy
Good Books--all the more since thee claims to exalt the good things
pertaining to pen and pencil, and this is the great City of Penn and
Pennsylvania.
If thee should come this way next summer, to ruralize, thee might
behold our swollen Schuylkill, and say, Enough! Thee might see our City
Fathers, and say, Good! Doubtless thee has heard of our butter? Well,
thee might then taste it, and also say, Good!--if thee likes. It is
cheap. Thee will understand me, friend, that it is cheap to say "Good"
and good to say "Cheap."
If thee will but talk "plain language," thee may circulate freely in
our streets, and behold our horses and dogs rubbing noses against the
fountains; nay, refreshing themselves thereat by the sight and sound of
little water!
Cruelty to Animals is Prevented--but thee knows this; for has thee not
thy BERGH? Thee does with _one_ BERGH, but we have two--Pittsburg and
Harrisburg--and, moreover, a proverb which says, "Every man thinketh
his own goose a SWANN" If thee needs, we can spare thee Harrisburg, and
trust to the laws of Providence.
But, friend PUNCHINELLO, if thee comes here, thee must be careful what
thee does. If thee does _nothing_, thee may be restrained. Thrift
accords not with idleness.
We permit none but official corner loungers and "dead beats;" and,
having a very FOX for a Mayor--whose police are sharp as steel
traps--thee comes into danger, unless thee be a Repeater. True, thee
might disguise thyself in liquor and--as friend Fox taketh none--escape.
This epistle is written out of kindly regard for thee, and because the
Spirit moveth me to wish thee well and a long life; although thee may
not live long enough to behold our new Public Buildings, the site of
which no man living can foresee.
I remain, thine in peace,
PHINEAS BHODBRIMME,
PHILADELPHIA, 3d Month, 29th, 1870. Mulberry Street.
* * * * *
Consolation for Contemplated Changes in the Cabinet. There are as good
Fish in the sea as ever were caught.
* * * * *
Revels in the President's Mansion. The Black man in the White house.
* * * * *
Nothing Like Leather.
A leather-dealer in the "Swamp" writes to us, asking whether we cannot
administer a good leathering to the prowlers who infest that district at
night. We don't know. Had rather not interfere. Suppose the poor thieves
find good Hiding-places there. Let the leatherist guard his premises
with a good-sized Black--and tan.
* * * * *
"Raising Cain."
The Southern papers announce that cane-planting is generally finished,
which is more than can be said in this section, where it looks as though
the cane was about to usurp the place of the pen. We are not surprised,
however, to be informed that not half as much cane has been planted in
the South this year as there was last season, owing to the fact, no
doubt, that the Government has gone into the business of "raising Cain"
so extensively in that section.
* * * * *
Good for a "Horse Laugh."
What is the difference between the leading _equestrienne_ at the Circus
and ROSA BONHEUR?
The one is known as the "Fair Horsewoman;" the other, as the "Horse Fair
Woman."
* * * * *
A Drawn Battle.
Any fight that gets into the illustrated papers.
* * * * *
A Suggestion.
It is proposed to transport passengers by means of the pneumatic tunnel.
In view of the dampness of this subterranean way, would it not be proper
to call it the Rheumatic tunnel?
THE UMBRELLA. (CONCLUDED.)
It has been suggested that should a select party from the Fee-jee
Islands, who never before had wandered from their own delightful home,
be thrown into London, they might immediately erect the copper-colored
flag, or whatever their national ensign might be, and take possession of
that populous locality by right of discovery. So, in like manner, should
you leave your umbrella where it would be likely to be discovered--say
in a restaurant, or even in your own hall--the fortunate and
enterprising explorer who should happen to discover it would have in
his favor the nine points of the law that come with possession, and the
remaining points by right of discovery--a good thing for dealers in
umbrellas, but bad for that small portion of the general public not
addicted to petty larceny.
DICKENS, in one of his Christmas stories, tells us of an umbrella that a
man tried to get rid of: he gave it away; he sold it; he lost it; but
it invariably came back; despite his moat strenuous exertions, like bad
_incubi_, it remained upon his hands.
This strange incident does not come within our present treatise; it is
of the supernatural, and we are seeking to write the natural history of
the umbrella.
The man who, has an umbrella that has grown old in his service is a
curiosity--so is the umbrella. If a man borrow an umbrella, it is
not expected that he will ever return it; he is a polite and refined
mendicant. If a man lend an umbrella, it is understood that he has no
further use for it; he is a generous donor whose right hand knows not
what his left hand doeth--neither does his left hand.
A reform with regard to umbrellas has lately been attempted. A very
expressive and ingenious stand has been patented, in which if an
umbrella be once impaled there is no chance of its abduction except by
the hands of its rightful owner. A friend of ours, who owned such a one,
placed all his umbrellas in its charge, and went his way joyfully with
the keys in his pocket. During his absence, a facetious burglar called
and removed umbrellas, stand, and all. Our friend concludes that it is
cheaper to lend umbrellas by retail.
Despite the apparent severity of these remarks, there may be much
romance connected with the umbrella. Many a young man immersed in love
has blessed the umbrella that it has been his privilege to carry over
the head of a certain young lady caught in a shower. In such a case the
umbrella may be the means of cementing hearts. Two young hearts bound
together by an umbrella--think of it, ye dealers in poetical rhapsodies,
and grieve that the discovery was not yours!
How many agreeable chats have taken place beneath the umbrella! how many
a _confessio amantis_ has ascended with sweet savor into the dome of the
umbrella and consecrated it for ever!
The romance alluded to may be spoiled if there be great disparity in
height. If the lady be very tall and you be very short, (so that you
can't afford to ride in an omnibus,) you will be apt to spoil a new hat;
and if, on the other hand, the lady be very short and you be very tall,
you will probably ruin a spring bonnet and break off the match.
Again, if you should happen to carry an umbrella of the vast blue
style--to your own disgust and the amusement of the multitude--and,
under such circumstances, you meet a particular lady friend, your best
course will be to pass rapidly by, screening yourself from observation
as much as possible.
It would also be awkward should the day be windy, and, as you advance
with a winning smile to offer an asylum to the _stricken dear,_ the
umbrella should blow inside out.
The poet has raised the umbrella still higher by making it the symbol of
the marriage tie. He says,
"Just as to a big umbrella
Is the handle when 'tis raining.
So unto a man is woman.
Though, the handle bears the burden,
'Tis the top keeps all the rain off;
Though the top gets all the wetting,
'Tis the handle still supports it.
So the top is good for nothing
If there isn't any handle;
And the case holds _vice versa_."
All will appreciate the delicate pathos of the simile. Speaking of
similes reminds us that there is one on Broadway. An enterprising
merchant has for his sign an American eagle carrying an umbrella.
Imagine the American eagle carrying an umbrella! As well imagine JULIUS
CÆSAR in shooting-jacket and NAPOLEON-boots. The sign was put up in war
times, and was, of course, intended as a Sign of the times, squalls
being prevalent and umbrellas needed. Now that the squalls are over, let
us hope that the umbrella may speedily come down. Just here we close
ours.
[Illustration: ALAS! POOR CUBA! _Messrs. Fish and Sumner_. "LET HER STAY
OUT IN THE COLD."]
* * * * *
"Ironing Done Here."
CAPTAIN EYRE'S conduct has raised the Ire of the whole civilized world.
* * * * *
Right to a Letter.
THE Collector of the Thirty-second District is charged with having
committed larceny as Bailee.
[Illustration: THE DESCENT OF THE GREAT MASSACHUSETTS FROG UPON THE
NEWSPAPER FLIES.]
[blank page]
AN OLD BOY TO THE YOUNG ONES.
[Illustration with letter 'T']
To-day I'm sixty-nine--an Old Boy. But, bless you! I was three times as
old--I thought so then--when I entered on my nineteenth year. I tell
you, boys--but perhaps you know it already--that the oldest figure we
ever reach in this world, the point at which we can look over the head
of METHUSELAH as easy as you can squint at the pretty girls, is at
eighteen and nineteen. Every body else around about that time amounts to
little, and less, and nothing at all. What's the "old man"--your father,
at forty-five--but an old fogy who doesn't understand things at all?
Of course not; how could he be expected to? He didn't have the modern
advantages. He didn't go to school at five, the dancing academy at
seven; nor did he give stunning birthday parties at nine--not he. He
didn't wear Paris kid-gloves in the nursery, learn to swear at the
tailor at ten, smoke and "swell" at twelve, and flirt at Long Branch,
Newport, or Saratoga at thirteen. The truth is--you think so--the Old
Man was brought up "slow." And, to tell the truth, you had much rather
not be seen with him outside the house.