How a Gallant should behaue himself in a Play-house.
THE theater is your Poets Royal Exchange, vpon
which their Muses (that are now turnd to Merchants)
meeting, barter away that light commodity of words
for a lighter ware then words, _Plaudites_, and the
_breath_ of the great _Beast_; which (like the threatnings
of two Cowards) vanish all into air. _Plaiers_ and
their _Factors_, who put away the stuffe, and make the
best of it they possibly can (as indeed tis their parts
so to doe), your / Gallant, your Courtier, and your
Capten, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters;
and I thinke are still the surest chapmen: and these,
by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale
vp[=o] this comical freight by the grosse: when your
_Groundling_, and _gallery-Commoner_ buyes his sport
by the penny, and, like a _Hagler_, is glad to vtter it
againe by retailing.
Sithence then the place is so free in entertainment,
allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to
your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe-same
libertie to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which
your sweet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man
and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage,
and sit to giue iudgement on the plaies life and
death, as well as the prowdest _Momus_ among the
tribe[s] of _Critick_: It is fit that hee, whom the most
tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes,
should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd vp in a
corner.
Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique
or priuate Play-house stand to receiue the afternoones
rent, let our Gallant (hauing paid it) presently
aduance himselfe vp to the Throne of the Stage.
I meane not into the Lords roome (which is now
but the Stages Suburbs): No, those boxes, by the
iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and
Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the
couetousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into
the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd, by
being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the
very Rushes where the Commedy is to daunce, yea,
and vnder the state of _Cambises_ himselfe must our
fethered _Estridge_, like a piece of Ordnance, be
planted, valiantly (because impudently) beating downe
the mewes and hisses of the opposed rascality.
For do but cast vp a reckoning, what large
cummings-in are pursd vp by sitting on the Stage.
First a conspicuous _Eminence_ is gotten; by which
meanes, the best and most essenciall parts of a
Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white
hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are
perfectly reuealed.
By sitting on the stage, you haue a signd patent
to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure; may
lawfully presume to be a Girder; and stand at the
helme to steere the passage of _scoenes_; yet / no man
shall once offer to hinder you from obtaining the
title of an insolent, ouer-weening Coxcombe.
By sitting on the stage, you may (without trauelling
for it) at the very next doore aske whose play it
is: and, by that _Quest_ of _Inquiry_, the law warrants
you to auoid much mistaking: if you know not ye
author, you may raile against him: and peraduenture
so behaue your selfe, that you may enforce the Author
to know you.
By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you
may happily get you a Mistresse: if a mere _Fleet-street_
Gentleman, a wife: but assure yourselfe, by
continuall residence, you are the first and principall
man in election to begin the number of _We three_.
By spreading your body on the stage, and by
being a Iustice in examining of plaies, you shall put
your selfe into such true _scoenical_ authority, that some
Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely vpon
your eyes, without hauing first vnmaskt her, rifled
her, and discouered all her bare and most mysticall
parts before you at a tauerne, when you most knightly
shal, for his paines, pay for both their suppers.
By sitting on the stage, you may (with small cost)
purchase the deere acquaintance of the boyes: haue
a good stoole for sixpence: at any time know what
particular part any of the infants present: get your
match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps
win wagers vpon laying tis copper, &c. And
to conclude, whether you be a foole or a Justice of
peace, a Cuckold, or a Capten, a Lord-Maiors sonne,
or a dawcocke, a knaue, or an vnder Sheriffe; of
what stamp soeuer you be, currant, or counterfet, the
Stage, like time, will bring you to most perfect light
and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted
from thence, though the Scarcrows in the yard hoot
at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea, throw durt euen
in your teeth: tis most Gentlemanlike patience to
endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals:
but if the _Rabble_, with a full throat, crie, away with
the foole, you were worse then a madman to tarry by
it: for the Gentleman and the foole should neuer sit
on the Stage together.
Mary, let this obseruation go hand in hand with
the rest: or rather, like a country-seruing-man, some
fiue yards before them. Present / not your selfe on
the Stage (especially at a new play) vntill the quaking
prologue hath (by rubbing) got culor into his cheekes,
and is ready to giue the trumpets their Cue, that hees
vpon point to enter: for then it is time, as though
you were one of the _properties_, or that you dropt out
of ye _Hangings_, to creepe from behind the Arras,
with your _Tripos_ or three-footed stoole in one hand,
and a teston mounted betweene a forefinger and a
thumbe in the other: for if you should bestow your
person vpon the vulgar, when the belly of the house
is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten vp, the
fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more
danger to be deuoured then if it were serued vp in
the Counter amongst the Powltry: auoid that as you
would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation
to laugh alowd in the middest of the most
serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy:
and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high,
that all the house may ring of it: your Lords vse it;
your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too:
your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and
(mary very scuruily) comes likewise limping after it:
bee thou a beagle to them all, and neuer lin snuffing,
till you haue scented them: for by talking and laughing
(like a Plough-man in a Morris) you heap _Pelion_
vpon _Ossa_, glory vpon glory: As first, all the eyes in
the galleries will leaue walking after the Players, and
onely follow you: the simplest dolt in the house
snatches vp your name, and when he meetes you in
the streetes, or that you fall into his hands in the
middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you:
heele cry _Hees such a gallant_, and you passe.
Secondly, you publish your temperance to the world,
in that you seeme not to resort thither to taste vaine
pleasures with a hungrie appetite: but onely as a
Gentleman to spend a foolish houre or two, because
yoe can doe nothing else: Thirdly, you mightily
disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author:
marry, you take vp (though it be at the worst hand)
a strong opinion of your owne iudgement, and inforce
the Poet to take pity of your weakenesse, and, by
some dedicated sonnet, to bring you into a better
paradice, onely to stop your mouth.
If you can (either for loue or money) prouide
your selfe a lodging by the water-side: for, aboue
the conuenience it brings to / shun Shoulder-clapping,
and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the
morning, it addes a kind of state vnto you, to be
carried from thence to the staires of your Playhouse:
hate a Sculler (remember that) worse then to be
acquainted with one o' th' Scullery. No, your Oares
are your onely Sea-crabs, boord them, and take heed
you neuer go twice together with one paire: often
shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen; and that
diuiding of your fare wil make the poore watersnaks
be ready to pul you in peeces to enioy your custome:
No matter whether vpon landing, you haue money or
no: you may swim in twentie of their boates ouer
the riuer upon _Ticket_: mary, when siluer comes in,
remember to pay trebble their fare, and it will make
your Flounder-catchers to send more thankes after
you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe;
for they know, It will be their owne another daie.
Before the Play begins, fall to cardes: you may
win or loose (as _Fencers_ doe in a prize) and beate
one another by confederacie, yet share the money
when you meete at supper: notwithstanding, to gul
the _Ragga-muffins_ that stand aloofe gaping at you,
throw the cards (hauing first torne foure or fiue of
them) round about the Stage, iust vpon the third
sound, as though you had lost: it skils not if the
foure knaues ly on their backs, and outface the
Audience; theres none such fooles as dare take
exceptions at them, because, ere the play go off,
better knaues than they will fall into the company.
Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either
epigrammd you, or hath had a flirt at your mistris, or
hath brought either your feather, or your red beard,
or your little legs, &c. on the stage, you shall disgrace
him worse then by tossing him in a blancket, or
giuing him the bastinado in a Tauerne, if, in the
middle of his play (bee it Pastoral or Comedy,
Morall or Tragedie), you rise with a screwd and discontented
face from your stoole to be gone: no
matter whether the Scenes be good or no; the better
they are the worse do you distast them: and, beeing
on your feet, sneake not away like a coward, but
salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spred
either on the rushes, or on stooles about you, and
draw what troope you can from the stage after you:
the _Mimicks_ are beholden to you, for allowing them /
elbow roome: their Poet cries, perhaps, a pox go with
you, but care not for that, theres no musick without
frets.
Mary, if either the company, or indisposition of
the weather binde you to sit it out, my counsell is
then that you turne plain Ape, take vp a rush, and
tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to
make other fooles fall a laughing: mewe at passionate
speeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the
musicke, whew at the childrens Action, whistle at the
songs: and aboue all, curse the sharers, that whereas
the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an
embrodered Felt and Feather (scotch-fashion) for
your mistres in the Court, or your punck in the city,
within two houres after, you encounter with the very
same block on the stage, when the haberdasher
swore to you the impression was extant but that
morning.
To conclude, hoard vp the finest play-scraps you
can get, vpon which your leane wit may most sauourly
feede, for want of other stuffe, when the _Arcadian_
and _Euphuizd_ gentlewomen haue their tongues
sharpened to set vpon you: that qualitie (next to
your shittlecocke) is the onely furniture to a Courtier
thats but a new beginner, and is but in his A B C of
complement. The next places that are fild, after
the Playhouses bee emptied, are (or ought to be)
Tauernes: into a Tauerne then let vs next march,
where the braines of one Hogshead must be beaten
out to make vp another.