How a Gallant should behaue himself in a Tauerne.
WHOSOEUER desires to bee a man of good reckoning
in the Cittie, and (like your French Lord) to haue
as many tables furnisht as Lackies (who, when they
keepe least, keepe none), whether he be a yong _Quat_
of the first yeeres reuennew, or some austere and
sullen-facd steward, who (in despight of a great beard,
a satten suite, and a chaine of gold wrapt in cipers)
proclaimes himselfe to any (but to those to whom
his Lord owes money) for a ranck coxcombe, or
whether he be a country gentleman, that brings his /
wife vp to learne the fashion, see the Tombs at Westminster,
the Lyons in the Tower, or to take physicke;
or else is some yong Farmer, who many times makes
his wife (in the country) beleeue he hath suits in law,
because he will come vp to his letchery: be he of
what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and
a good conscience to spend it, my councell is that
hee take his continuall diet at a Tauerne, which (out
of question) is the onely _Rende-vous_ of boone company;
and the Drawers the most nimble, the most
bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest
bounty.
Hauing therefore thrust your selfe into a case
most in fashion (how coarse soeuer the stuffe be, tis
no matter so it hold fashion), your office is (if you
meane to do your iudgment right) to enquire out
those Tauernes which are best customd, whose
maisters are oftenest drunk (for that confirmes their
taste, and that they choose wholesome wines), and
such as stand furthest from ye counters; where,
landing yourself and your followers, your first complement
shall be to grow most inwardly acquainted
with the drawers, to learne their names, as _Iack_, and
_Will_, and _Tom_, to diue into their inclinations, as
whether this fellow vseth to the Fencing Schoole, this
to the Dauncing Schoole; whether that yong coniurer
(in Hogsheads) at midnight keepes a Gelding
now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he
loue dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and
Citizen-like quality: and protest your selfe to be
extreamely in loue, and that you spend much money
in a yeare, vpon any one of those exercises which
you perceiue is followed by them. The vse which
you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want
money fiue or six daies together, you may still pay
the reckoning with this most Gentlemanlike language,
_Boy, fetch me money from the barre_, and keepe yourself
most prouidently from a hungry melancholy in
your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be
but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the
barre) to haue that arraignd before you, sooner then
a better and worthier person.
The first question you are to make (after the discharging
of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and
the houshold stuffe thereto belonging) shall be for an
inuentorie of the Kitchen: for it were / more then
most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in
league with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your
selfe, to offend your stomach with the sight of the
Larder, and happily to grease your Accoustrements.
Hauing therefore receiued this bill, you shall (like a
capten putting vp deere paies) haue many Sallads
stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the
other more seruiceable dishes: and according to the
time of the yeare, vary your fare, as Capon is a stirring
meate sometime, Oysters are a swelling meate
sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate sometimes, greene
Goose, and Woodcock, a delicate meate sometimes,
especially in a Tauerne, where you shall sit in as
great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore
Parishioners, at _Pentecost_ or _Christmas_.
For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine
you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite
that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in
one Art, but rather bee a generall Scholler (that is, to
haue a licke at all sorts of learning, and away) so tis
not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking
at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is
a generall peace) to drink any stranger drunke in
his owne element of drinke, or more properly in his
owne mist language.
Your discourse at the table must be such as that
which you vtter at your Ordinary: your behauiour
the same, but somewhat more carelesse: for where
your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse:
and, though you should be mad in a Tauerne, the
largenesse of the _Items_ will beare with your inciuility:
you may, without prick to your conscience, set the
want of your wit against the superfluity and saucines
of their reckonings.
If you desire not to be haunted with _Fidlers_ (who
by the statute haue as much libertie as _Roagues_ to
trauell into any place, hauing the pasport of the
house about them) bring then no women along with
you: but if you loue the company of all the drawers,
neuer sup without your Cockatrice: for, hauing her
there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance.
Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if
they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after
the City fashion) send them in a pottle of wine, and
your name, sweetned in two pittiful papers of Suger,
with some filthy Apology cramd into the mouth of / a
drawer; but rather keepe a boy in fee, who vnderhand
shall proclaime you in euery roome, what a
gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely
in Tauernes, what a great gamester, what custome
you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you
maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen or Cittizens
wiues you can with a wet finger haue at any time to
sup with you, and such like. By which _Encomiasticks_
of his, they that know you shall admire you,
and thinke themselues to bee brought into a paradice
but to be meanely in your acquaintance; and
if any of your endeered friends be in the house, and
beate the same Iuybush that your selfe does, you
may ioyne companies, and bee drunke together most
publikly.
But in such a deluge of drinke, take heede that
no man counterfeit him selfe drunck, to free his
purse from the danger of the shot: tis a usuall thing
now amongst gentlemen; it had wont bee the quality
of Cocknies: I would aduise you to leaue so much
braines in your head as to preuent this. When the
terrible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold
vp your hand, and that you must answere it at the
barre, you must not abate one penny in any particular,
no, though they reckon cheese to you, when
you haue neither eaten any, nor could euer abide it,
raw or toasted: but cast your eie onely vpon the
_Totalis_, and no further; for to trauerse the bill would
betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the
market, nay more, it would make the Vintners beleeue
you were _Pater familias_, and kept a house; which, I
assure you, is not now in fashion.
If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers
be as familiar with you as your Barber, and venture
their siluer amongst you; no matter where they had
it: you are to cherish the vnthriftinesse of such yong
tame pigions, if you be a right gentleman: for when
two are yoakt together by the purse strings, and draw
the _Chariot_ of Madam _Prodigalitie_, when one faints
in the way and slips his hornes, let the other reioice
and laugh at him.
At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine
Hostis ouer the barre, or to accept of the courtesie
of the Celler when tis offered you by the drawers,
and you must know that kindnes neuer creepes vpon
them, but when they see you almost cleft to the
shoulders, or to bid any of the Vintners good night,
is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to
laue your face with sweete water.
To conclude, count it an honour, either to inuite
or be inuited to any Rifling: for commonly, though
you finde much satten there, yet you shall likewise
finde many cittizens sonnes, and heirs, and yonger
brothers there, who smell out such feasts more
greedily then taylors h[=u]t upon sundaies after weddings.
And let any hooke draw you either to a
Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a
part for a wager; for by this meanes you shall get
experience, by beeing guilty to their abhominable
shauing.