How a yong Gallant should behaue himselfe in an Ordinary.
FIRST, hauing diligently enquired out an Ordinary of
the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly
Gallants do resort, let it be your vse to repaire thither
some halfe houre after eleuen; for then you shàll
find most of your fashionmongers planted in the
roome waiting for meate. Ride thither vpon your
galloway-nag, or your Spanish Jennet, a swift ambling
pace, in your hose, and doublet (gilt rapier and
poniard bestowd in their places), and your French
Lackey carrying your cloake, and running before
you; or rather in a coach, for that will both hide
you from the basiliske-eyes of your creditors, and
outrun a whole kennell of bitter-mouthed Sergeants.
Being arriued in the roome, salute not any but
those of your acquaintance: walke up and downe by
the rest as scornfully and as carelesly as a Gentleman-Usher:
Select some friend (hauing first throwne off
your cloake) to walke vp and downe the room with
you, let him be suited if you can, worse by farre then
your selfe, he will be a foyle to you: and this will be
a meanes to publish your clothes better than Powles,
a Tennis-court, or a Playhouse: discourse as lowd as
you can, no matter to what purpose if you but make
a noise, and laugh in fashion, and haue a good sower
face to promise quarrelling, you shall bee much
obserued.
If you be a souldier, talke how often you haue
beene in action: as the _Portingale_ voyage, Cales
voiage, the _Iland_ voiage, besides some eight or nine
imploiments in Ireland, and the low Countries: then
you may discourse how honourably your _Graue_ vsed
you; obserue that you cal your _Graue Maurice_, your
_Graue_: How often you haue drunk with Count such
a one, and such a Count, on your knees to your
_Graues_ health: and let it bee your vertue to giue
place neither to _S. Kynock_, nor to any _Dutchman_
whatsoeuer in the seuenteene _prouinces_, for that
Souldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceiue
that the vntrauelld company about you take
this downe well, ply them with more such stuffe, as
how you haue interpreted betweene the French King
and a great Lord of Barbary, when they haue been
drinking healthes together, and that will be an excellent
occasion to publish your languages, if you haue
them: if not, get some fragments of French, or smal
parcels of Italian, to fling about the table: but beware
how you speake any Latine there: your Ordinary
most commonly hath no more to do with Latine then
a desperate towne of Garison hath.
If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining
of Suits: of your mistresses fauours, etc. Make
inquiry, if any gentleman at boord haue any suit, to
get which he would vse ye good means of a great
mans Interest with the King: and withall (if you
haue not so much grace left in you as to blush) that
you are (thankes to your starres) in mightie credit,
though in your owne conscience you know, and are
guilty to your selfe, that you dare not (but onely
vpon the priuiledges of hansome clothes) presume to
peepe into the presence. Demand if there be any
Gentleman (whom any there is acquainted with) that
is troubled with two offices; or any Vicar with two
Church-liuings; which will politickly insinuate, that
your inquiry after them is because you haue good
means to obtaine them; yea and rather then your
tongue should not be heard in the roome, but that
you should sit (like / an Asse) with your finger in your
mouth, and speake nothing: discourse how often this
Lady hath sent her Coach for you; and how often
you have sweat in the Tennis-court with that great
Lord: for indeede the sweting together in _Fraunce_
(I mean the society of Tennis) is a great argument
of most deere affection, euen between noblemen and
Pesants.
If you be a Poet, and come into the Ordinary
(though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary
Poet) order yourselfe thus. Obserue no man, doff
not cap to that Gentleman to day at dinner, to
whom, not two nights since, you were beholden for
a supper; but, after a turne or two in the roome,
take occasion (pulling out your gloues) to haue some
_Epigram_, or _Satyre_, or _Sonnet_ fastned in one of them,
that may (as it were vomittingly to you) offer it selfe
to the Gentlemen: they will presently desire it: but,
without much coniuration from them, and a pretty
kind of counterfet loathnes in yourselfe, do not read
it; and though it be none of your owne, sweare you
made it. Mary, if you chaunce to get into your
hands any witty thing of another mans, that is somewhat
better, I would councell you then, if demand
bee made who composed it, you may say: faith, a
learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend. And this
seeming to lay it on another man will be counted
either modestie in you, or a signe that you are not
ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it
vpon you, for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with
it. Besides, it will adde much to your fame to let
your tongue walke faster then your teeth, though you
be neuer so hungry, and, rather then you should sit
like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart either some
verses of your owne, or of any other mans, stretching
euen very good lines vpon the rack of the censure:
though it be against all law, honestie, or conscience,
it may chaunce saue you the price of your Ordinary,
and beget you other _Suppliments_. Mary, I would
further intreat our Poet to be in league with the
Mistresse of the Ordinary, because from her (vpon
condition that he will but ryme knights and yong
gentlemen to her house, and maintaine the table in
good fooling) he may easily make vp his mouth at
her cost, _Gratis_.
Thus much for particular men. But in generall
let all that are in _Ordinary_-pay, march after the
sound of these directions. Before / the meate come
smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out
his Tobacco-box, the ladell for the cold snuffe into
the nosthrill, the tongs and prining-Iron: All which
artillery may be of gold or siluer (if he can reach to
the price of it), it will bee a reasonable vseful pawne
at all times, when the current of his money falles out
to run low. And heere you must obserue to know
in what state Tobacco is in towne, better then the
Merchants, and to discourse of the Apottecaries
where it is to be sold and to be able to speake of
their wines, as readily as the Apottecary himselfe
reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let
him shew his seuerall tricks in taking it, As the _Whiffe_,
the _Ring_, etc. For these are complements that gaine
Gentlemen no mean respect and for which indeede
they are more worthily noted, I ensure you, then for
any skill that they haue in learning.
When you are set downe to dinner, you must eate
as impudently as can be (for thats most Gentlemanlike)
when your Knight is vpon his stewed mutton,
be presently, though you be but a capten, in the
bosome of your goose: and when your Justice of
peace is knuckle-deep in goose, you may, without
disparagement to your bloud, though you haue a
Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your
woodcocks.
You may rise in dinner-time to aske for a close-stoole,
protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you
a hundred pounds a yeare in physicke, besides the
Annual pension which your wife allowes her Doctor:
and (if you please) you may (as your great French
Lord doth) inuite some speciall friend of yours, from
the table, to hold discourse with you as you sit in
that withdrawing-chamber: from whence being returned
againe to the board, you shall sharpen the
wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and doe them
great pleasure, to aske what Pamphlets or poems a
man might think fittest to wipe his taile with (mary,
this talke will be somewhat fowle if you carry not a
strong perfume about you) and, in propounding this
question, you may abuse the workes of any man;
depraue his writings that you cannot equall, and purchase
to your selfe in time the terrible name of a
seuere _Criticke_; nay, and be one of the Colledge, if
youle be liberall inough: and (when your turne comes)
pay for their suppers.
After / dinner, euery man as his busines leades him:
some to dice, some to drabs, some to playes, some to
take vp friends in the Court, some to take vp money
in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others
to borrow crownes vpon the Exchange: and thus, as
the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet
all those heads like _Hydraes_) euer growing, as various
in their hornes as wondrous in their budding and
branching, so, in an Ordinary, you shall find the
variety of a whole kingdome in a few Apes of the
kingdome.
You must not sweare in your dicing: for that
Argues a violent impatience to depart from your
money, and in time will betray a mans neede. Take
heede of it. No! whether you be at _Primero_, or
_Hazard_, you shall sit as patiently (though you lose a
whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmd Gentleman
does when hees in the vnmerciful fingers of
Serieants. Mary, I will allow you to sweat priuatly,
and teare six or seuen score paire of cards, be the
damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice,
and forsweare play a thousand times in an houre, but
not sweare. Dice your selfe into your shirt: and, if
you haue a beard that your friend wil lend but an
angell vpon, shaue it off, and pawne that, rather then
to goe home blinde to your lodging. Further, it is
to be remembred, He that is a great Gamester may
be trusted for a quarters board at all times, and
apparell prouided, if neede be.
At your tweluepenny Ordinary, you may giue any
Iustice of peace, or yong Knight (if he sit but one
degree towards the Equinoctiall of the Saltseller)
leaue to pay for the wine: and hee shall not refuse
it, though it be a weeke before the receiuing of his
quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope,
yet of present necessity.
There is another Ordinary, to which your London
Vsurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney
do resort: the price three pence: the roomes as full
of company as a Iaile, and indeed diuided into
seuerall wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The
complement betweene these is not much, their words
few: for the belly hath no eares: euery mans eie
heere is vpon the other mans trencher, to note
whether his fellow lurch him, or no: if they chaunce
to discourse, it is of nothing but of _Statutes_, _Bonds_,
/ _Recognizances_, _Fines_, _Recoueries_, _Audits_, _Rents_, _Subsidies_,
_Surties_, _Inclosures_, Liueries, _Inditements_, _Outlaries_,
_Feoffments_, _Iudgments_, _Commissions_, _Bankerouts_,
_Amercements_, and of such horrible matter, that when
a Lifetenant dines with his punck in the next roome,
he thinkes verily the men are coniuring. I can find
nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting downe
for: therefore the cloth shall be taken away, and
those that are thought good enough to be guests
heere, shall be too base to bee waiters at your Grand
Ordinary; at which your Gallant tastes these commodities.
He shall fare wel, enioy good company,
receiue all the newes ere the post can deliuer his
packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand,
proclaime his good clothes, know this man to drinke
well, that to feed grosly, the other to swaggar roughly:
he shall, if hee be minded to trauell, put out money
vpon his returne, and haue hands enough to receiue
it vpon any termes of repaiment: And no question,
if he be poore, he shall now and then light vpon
some _Gull_ or other, whom he may skelder (after the
gentile fashion) of mony: By this time the parings of
Fruit and Cheese are in the voyder, Cards and dice
lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all vp, the guilt
rapiers ready to be hangd, the French Lackquey,
and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doores, with
their masters hobby-horses, to ride to the new play:
thats the _Randeuous_; thither they are gallopt in post.
Let vs take a paire of Oares, and now lustily after
them.