How a yong Gallant should warme himself by the fire; how
attire himself: The description of a mans head: the praise
of long haire.
But if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch
the sweating sicknesse) the morning, like charity waxing
cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome,
pinching thee black and blew (with her nailes made
of yce) like an inuisible goblin, so that thy teeth (as
if thou wert singing prick-song) stand coldly quauering
in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the
nimble Iackes of a paire of Virginals: be then as
swift as a whirle-winde, and as boystrous in tossing
all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which
bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth,
crying: _Room, what a coyle keepe you about the fire?_
The more are set round about it, the more is thy
commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their
shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to creepe
into the chimney-corner: there toast thy body, till
thy scorched skinne be speckled all ouer, being staind
with more motley colours then are to be scene on the
right side of the rainebow.
Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health,
to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hothouse
of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew of thy
body (like basting) run trickling down thy sides: for
by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou
liuest by the sweat of thy browes.
As / for thy stockings and shoos, so weare them,
that all men may point at thee, and make thee
famous by that glorious name of a _Male-content_. Or,
if thy quicksiluer can runne so farre on thy errant, as
to fetch thee bootes out of S. Martens, let it be thy
prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth
of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer
them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are
accounted innocent, and louing creatures: thou, in
obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-footed
doue, and be held as innocent. Besides, the
strawling, which of necessity so much lether between
thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow
from thy disease, but from that gentleman-like habit.
Hauing thus apparelled thee from top to toe,
according to that simple fashion, which the best
_Goose-caps_ in _Europe_ striue to imitate, it is now high
time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will
not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on
faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that,
if all the wise men of _Gottam_ should lay their heades
together, their Jobbernowles should not bee able to
compare with thine.
To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine,
strongly guarded, and in good reparation, neuer
suffer combe to fasten his teeth there: let thy haire
grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse;
lest those sixe-footed creatures that breede in
it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee
hunted to death by euery base barbarous _Barber_;
and so that delicate, and tickling pleasure of scratching,
be vtterly taken from thee: For the _Head_ is a
house built for _Reason_ to dwell in; and thus is the
tenement framed. The two Eyes are the glasse
windowes, at which light disperses itself into euery
roome, hauing goodly penthouses of haire to ouershadow
them: As for the nose, tho some (most
iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an
_Indian_ chimney, yet surely it is rightly a bridge with
two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey
as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber,
as to carry away all noisome filth that is swept out of
vncleane corners: the cherry lippes open, like the
new-painted gates of a Lord Mayor's house, to take
in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust
vnder the middle of the roofe; and / lest it should be
rung out too deepe (as sometimes it is when women
haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder,
but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of
Iuory pegs (like pales) set to keep it in. The eares
are two Musique roomes, into which as well good
sounds as bad, descend downe two narrow paire of
staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings
like those that lead to the top of Powles steeple;
and, because when the tunes are once gotten in, they
should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both
places are plaistered with yellow wax round about
them. Now, as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht
with walles, chimnies, chambers, and all other parts
of Architecture, yet, if the seeleing be wanting, it
stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine.
So would this goodly palace, which wee haue moddeld
out vnto you, be but a cold and bald habitation,
were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore
has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious
couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht
it all ouer, and that _Thatching_ is haire. If then thou
desirest to reserue that Fee-simple of wit (thy head)
for thee and the lawfull heires of thy body, play
neither the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes
vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman,
who, to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable
Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild
Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth, that
thou maiest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine owne
_Bush-Naturall_.
And with all consider that, as those trees of
cobweblawne (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings)
doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines,
and adorne the swelling bosomes of the
valleyes: Or, as those snowy fleeces, which the naked
bryer steales from the innocent nibbling sheep, to
make himselfe a warm winter liuery, are to either of
them both an excellent ornament: So make thou
account, that to haue fethers sticking heere and there
on thy head, will embellish, and set thy crowne out
rarely. None dare vpbraid thee, that like a begger
thou hast lyen on straw, or like a trauelling Pedler
vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as
witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue
that thy bed was of the softest downe.
When / your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres
to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare
fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the
fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou, a Reueller
and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare, by wearing fethers
in thy haire, whose length before the rigorous edge of
any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shorten the
breadth of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters
of Destiny rather curtall the thread of thy life. O no,
long hair is the onely nette that women spread
abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men
be as far aboue women in that commodity, as they
go beyond men in others? The merry _Greekes_ were
called [Greek: Karêchomoôntes] long-haired: loose not thou
(being an honest _Troian_) that honour, sithence it will
more fairely become thee. Grasse is the haire of the
earth, which, so long as it is suffred to grow, it
becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing
colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his
mowes at it, and (like a Barber) shaues it off to the
stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing but
to be trust vp and thrown amongst Jades. How
vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a
nose; or, like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of
Archers, whereas a head al hid in haire giues euen
to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, and lookes
like a meddow newly marryed to the _Spring_: which
beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner
lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set
vpon him, to make him know hees a slaue, is to shaue
off all his haire close to the scull. A _Mahumetan_
cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe breeches and tennis-balles
with that, which, when tis once lost, all the
hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out,
and yet hardly catch it againe.
You then, to whom chastity has giuen an heire
apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to
that purpose, let it play openly with the lascivious
wind, eu[=e] on the top of your shoulders. Experience
cries out in euery Citty, that those self-same Criticall
_Saturnists_, whose haire is shorter than their eye-brows,
take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang
slauering like a dozen of Foxetailes downe so low as
their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and
lippes of old men lick vp that excrement, which they
vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is
it / because those long beesomes (their beards) with
sweeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong
wiues, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some
amends for their maisters' vnrecoverable dulnesse?
No, no, there hangs more at the ends of those long
gray haires then all the world can come to the knowledge
of. Certaine I am, that when none but the
golden age went currant vpon earth, it was higher
treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe
and scizers were condemned to the currying of
hackneyes: he was disfranchised for euer, that did
but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman, and child
woare then haire longer then a law-suit; euery head,
when it stood bare or uncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes
nowle, hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was free
for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now
onely for the Irishman. But since this polling and
shauing world crept vp, locks were lockt up, and
haire fell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old,
buryed fashion, and (in scorne of periwigs and sheep-shearing)
keep thou that quilted head-peece on continually.
Long haire will make thee looke dreadfully
to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is, in
peace, an ornament; in warre, a strong helmet. It
blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the leaden
thump of a bullet. In winter, it is a warme night-cap,
in sommer, a cooling fanne of fethers.