How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which
many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the
charges of taking physicke; with other rules for the morning,
the praise of Sleepe, and of going naked.
You haue heard all this while nothing but the _Prologue_,
and seene no more but a dumbe shew: Our
_vetus Comædia_ steps out now. The fittest stage vpon
which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first
to present your selfe is (in my approued judgement)
the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if
you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you
shall neuer rise, till you heare it ring noone at least.
Sleep, in the name of _Morpheus_, your bellyfull, or
(rather) sleepe till you heare your belly grombles and
waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted
cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of _Salerne_, that
come ouer you, with
_Sit breuis, aut nullus, tibi somnus meridianus._
Short let thy sleepe at noone be,
Or rather let it none be.
Sweete candied councell, but theres rats-bane
vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all,
for he speakes your health faire, but to steale away
the maidenhead of it: _Salerne_ stands in the luxurious
country of _Naples_, and who knowes not that the
_Neapolitan_, will (like _Derick_ the hangman) embrace
you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other?
theres not a haire in his mustachoo, but if he kisse
you, will stabbe you through the cheekes like a
ponyard: the slaue, to be auenged on his enemy,
will drink off a pint of poison himselfe so that he
may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe
so much. And it may be, that vpon some secret
grudge to worke the generall destruction of all mankinde,
those verses were composed. _Phisisians_, I
know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their
defence, railing bitterly vpon that venerable and
princely custom of _long-lying-abed_: Yet, now I remember
me, I cannot blame them; for / they which
want sleepe (which is mans naturall rest) become
either mere _Naturals_, or else fall into the Doctors
hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas
he that snorts profoundly scornes to let _Hippocrates_
himselfe stand tooting on his Urinall, and thereby
saues that charges of a groates worth of Physicke: And
happy is that man that saues it; for phisick is _Non
minus venefica, quam benefica_, it hath an ounce of gall
in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten _Tyburnes_ cannot
turne men ouer ye perch so fast as one of these
brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise
being nothing but _Ars Homicidiorum_, an Art to
make poore soules kicke vp their heeles. In so much,
that euen their sicke grunting patients stand in more
danger of M. Doctor and his drugs, then of all the
Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe
can discharge against them. Send them packing
therefore, to walke like _Italian Mountebankes_, beate
not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-greeke,
parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall
buzzing into your eares, nor their _Satyricall_ canuassing
of feather-beds and tossing men out of their
warme blanckets, awake you till the houre that heere
is prescribed.
For doe but consider what an excellent thing
sleepe is: It is so inestimable a Jewel, that, if a
Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber,
it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that
though a man lye with an Empresse, his heart cannot
be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at
rest with the other: yea, so greatly indebted are we
to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better
tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good
cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that golden
chaine that ties health and our bodies together.
Who complains of want? of woundes? of cares? of
great mens oppressions, of captiuity? whilest he
sleepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure
as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate
_Ambrosia_? can we drink too much of that whereof
to tast too little tumbles vs into a church-yard, and to
vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No,
no, looke vppon _Endymion_, the Moones Minion, who
slept threescore and fifteene yeares, and was not a
haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone
then (being not the threescore and fifteenth thousand
part of his nap) be hurtfull?
Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and
Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our
bodies / till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings,
hath fand away the mistie smoake of the morning,
and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the
rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put
out the eye of the Element: which worke questionlesse
cannot be perfectly finished, till the sunnes
Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest
noon: so that then (and not till then) is the most
healthfull houre to be stirring. Do you require
examples to perswade you? At what time do Lords
and Ladies vse to rise, but then? your simpring
Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world:
and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre?
they finde (no doubt) vnspeakable sweetnesse in such
lying, else they would not day by day put it so in
practise. In a word, midday slumbers are golden;
they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh
plump, delicate and tender; they set a russet colour
on the cheekes of young women, and make lusty
courage to rise vp in men; they make vs thrifty, both
in sparing victuals (for breakefasts thereby are savd
from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing
apparell; for while wee warm us in our beds, our
clothes are not worne.
The casements of thine eyes being then at this
commendable time of the day, newly set open, choose
rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in peeces then to
salute any man. Bid not good-morrow so much as
to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle
ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to
thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a
wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of
necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot
keep his tongue.
Amongst all the wild men that runne vp and
downe in this wide forest of fooles (the world) none
are more superstitious then those notable _Ebritians_,
the Jewes: yet a Jewe neuer weares his cap threed-bare
with putting it off: neuer bends i' th' hammes
with casting away a leg: neuer cries _God saue you_,
tho he sees the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Jewes
therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely
remember, that so soone as thy eyelids be vnglewd,
thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on
thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole length)
to yawne, to stretch,--and to gape wider then any oyster-wife:
for thereby thou doest not onely send out the
liuely spirits (like vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make
good the vttermost borders of the body; but also (as
a cunning painter) thy goodly lineaments are drawne
out in their fairest proportion.
This lesson being playd, turne ouer a new leafe,
and (vnlesse that Freezeland Curre, cold winter, offer
to bite thee) walke awhile vp and downe thy chamber,
either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which, at a bare
word, is both more decent and more delectable) strip
thy selfe stark naked. Are we not borne so? and
shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes
of our Creation? our first parents, so long as they
went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but,
after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd
out of doores. Put on therefore either no apparel
at all, or put it on carelessly: for looke how much
more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is
the loosenesse in wearing of our attire aboue the
imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor-like drest vp
in it. To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready
for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee be hung
in chaines; or like a scarcrow: and as those excellent
birds (whom _Pliny_ could neuer haue the wit to
catch in all his sprindges) commonly called woodcocks
(whereof there is great store in England) hauing
all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being
turnd out as naked as _Platoes_ cocke was before all
_Diogenes_ his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas,
are more fit to come to any Knights board, and
are indeede more seruiceable then when they are
lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case
with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father
_Time_ has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she
goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a
cloake for the raine. You see likewise, that the Lyon,
being the king of beasts, the horse, being the lustiest
creature, the Vnicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a
City; all these go with no more clothes on their
backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them:
But your babiownes, and you[r] Jackanapes (being
the scum and rascality of all the hedge-creepers) they
go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? They are
put into their rags onely in mockery.
Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and
how you weare / it, and let this heauenly reason moue
you neuer to be hansome, for, when the sunne is
arising out of his bed, does not the element seeme
more glorious, then (being onely in gray) then at
noone, when hees in all his brauery? it were madnesse
to deny it. What man would not gladly see a
beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but
a lawne, or some loose thing ouer her; and euen
highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre
that in our selues which we admire and hold to be
so excellent in others? _Absit._