We will now regard the pair of lovers as formally engaged, and bound
together in that state of approximation to marriage which was in the
ancient Christian Church, and indeed is still in many countries of
Europe, considered in a very sacred light, little inferior to, and, in
fact, regarded as a part of, marriage itself--the Betrothment.
_Conduct of the Engaged Couple_.
The conduct of the bridegroom-elect should be marked by a gallant and
affectionate assiduity towards his lady-love--a _dévouement_ easily
felt and understood, but not so easy to define. That of the lady
towards him should manifest delicacy, tenderness, and confidence;
while looking for his thorough devotion to herself, she should not
captiously take offence and show airs at his showing the same kind of
attention to other ladies as she, in her turn, would not hesitate to
receive from the other sex.
In the behaviour of a gentleman towards his betrothed in public,
little difference should be perceptible from his demeanour to other
ladies, except in those minute attentions which none but those who
love can properly understand or appreciate.
In private, the slightest approach to indecorous familiarity must be
avoided; indeed, it is pretty certain to be resented by every woman
who deserves to be a bride. The lady's honour is now in her lover's
hands, and he should never forget in his demeanour to and before her
that that lady is to be his future wife.
It is the privilege of the betrothed lover, as it is also his duty, to
give advice to the fair one who now implicitly confides in him. Should
he detect a fault, should he observe failings which he would
wish removed or amended, let him avail himself of this season, so
favourable for the frank interchange of thought between the betrothed
pair, to urge their correction. He will find a ready listener; and
any judicious counsel offered to her by him will now be gratefully
received and remembered in after life. After marriage it may be too
late; for advice on trivial points of conduct may then not improbably
be resented by the wife as an unnecessary interference: now, the fair
and loving creature is disposed like pliant wax in his hands to mould
herself to his reasonable wishes in all things.
_Conduct of the Lady during her Betrothal_.
A lady is not expected to keep aloof from society on her engagement,
nor to debar herself from the customary attentions and courtesies of
her male acquaintances generally; but she should, while accepting them
cheerfully, maintain such a prudent reserve, as to intimate that they
are viewed by her as mere acts of ordinary courtesy and friendship. In
all places of public amusement--at balls, the opera, &c.--for a lady
to be seen with any other cavalier than her avowed lover in close
attendance upon her would expose her to the imputation of flirtation.
She will naturally take pains at such a period to observe the taste of
her lover in regard to her costume, and strive carefully to follow
it, for all men desire to have their taste and wishes on such apparent
trifles gratified. She should at the same time observe much delicacy
in regard to dress, and be careful to avoid any unseemly display of
her charms: lovers are naturally jealous of observation under such
circumstances. It is a mistake not seldom made by women, to suppose
their suitors will be pleased by the glowing admiration expressed
by other men for the object of _their_ passion. Most lovers, on
the contrary, we believe, would prefer to withdraw their prize
from general observation until the happy moment for their union has
arrived.
_Conduct of the Gentleman towards the Family of his Betrothed_.
The lover, having now secured his position, should use discretion and
tact in his intercourse with the lady's family, and take care that his
visits be not deemed too frequent--so as to be really inconvenient
to them. He should accommodate himself as much as possible to their
habits and ways, and be ever ready and attentive to consult their
wishes. Marked attention, and in most cases affectionate kindness,
to the lady's mother ought to be shown: such respectful homage will
secure for him many advantages in his present position. He must not,
however, presume to take his stand yet as a member of the family, nor
exhibit an obtrusive familiarity in manner and conversation. Should a
disruption of the engagement from some unexpected cause ensue, it
is obvious that any such premature assumption would lead to very
embarrassing results. In short, his conduct should be such as to win
for himself the esteem and affection of all the family, and dispose
them ever to welcome and desire his presence, rather than regard him
as an intruder.
_Conduct of the Lady on Retiring from her Engagement_.
Should this step unhappily be found necessary on the lady's part, the
truth should be spoken, and the reasons frankly given: there must be
no room left for the suspicion of its having originated in caprice or
injustice. The case should be so put that the gentleman himself must
see and acknowledge the justice of the painful decision arrived
at. Incompatible habits, ungentlemanly actions, anything tending
to diminish that respect for the lover which should be felt for the
husband; inconstancy, ill-governed temper--all which, not to mention
other obvious objections--are to be considered as sufficient reasons
for terminating an engagement. The communication should be made
as tenderly as possible: room may be left in mere venial cases for
reformation; but all that is done must be so managed that not the
slightest shadow of fickleness or want of faith may rest upon the
character of the lady. It must be remembered, however, that the
termination of an engagement by a lady has the privilege of passing
unchallenged,--a lady not being _bound_ to declare any other reason
than her will. Nevertheless she owes it to her own reputation that her
decision should rest on a sufficient foundation, and be unmistakably
pronounced.
_Conduct of the Gentleman on Retiring from his Engagement_.
We hardly know how to approach this portion of our subject. The
reasons must be strong indeed that can sufficiently justify a man,
placed in the position of an accepted suitor, in severing the ties
by which he has bound himself to a lady with the avowed intention of
making her his wife. His reasons for breaking off his engagement
must be such as will not merely satisfy his own conscience, but will
justify him in the eyes of the world. If the fault be on the lady's
side, great reserve and delicacy will be observed by any man of
honour. If, on the other hand, the imperative force of circumstances,
such as loss of fortune, or some other unexpected calamity to himself,
may be the cause, then must the reason be clearly and fully explained,
in such a manner as to soothe the painful feelings which such a result
must necessarily occasion to the lady and her friends. It is scarcely
necessary to point out the necessity for observing great caution in
all that relates to the antecedents of an engagement that has been
broken off; especially the return on either side of presents and of
all letters that have passed.