In whatever way the attachment may have originated, whether resulting
from old association or from a recent acquaintanceship between the
lovers, we will assume that the courtship is so far in a favourable
train that the lady's admirer has succeeded in obtaining an
introduction to her family, and that he is about to be received in
their domestic circle on the footing of a welcome visitor, if not yet
in the light of a probationary suitor.
In the first case, matters will in all probability be found to amble
on so calmly, that the enamoured pair may seldom find it needful to
consult the rules of etiquette; but in the latter, its rules must be
attentively observed, or "the course of true love" will assuredly not
run smooth.
If the gentleman be a person of good breeding and right feeling, he
will need no caution from us to remember that, when he is admitted
into the heart of a family as the suitor of a daughter, he is
receiving one of the greatest possible favours that can be conferred
on him, whatever may be his own superiority of social rank or worldly
circumstances; and that, therefore, his conduct should be marked by a
delicate respect towards the parents of his lady-love. By this means
he will propitiate them in his favour, and induce them to regard him
as worthy of the trust they have placed in him.
Young people are naturally prone to seek the company of those they
love; and as their impulses are often at such times impatient of
control, etiquette prescribes cautionary rules for the purpose of
averting the mischief that unchecked intercourse and incautious
familiarity might give rise to. For instance, a couple known to be
attached to each other should never, unless when old acquaintances, be
left alone for any length of time, nor be allowed to meet in any other
place than the lady's home--particularly at balls, concerts, and other
public places--except in the presence of a third party. This, as a
general rule, should be carefully observed, although exceptions may
occasionally occur under special circumstances; but even then the
full consent of the lady's nearest relatives or guardians should be
previously obtained.
_What the Lady should observe during Courtship_.
A lady should be particular during the early days of courtship--while
still retaining some clearness of mental vision--to observe the manner
in which her suitor comports himself to other ladies. If he behave
with ease and courtesy, without freedom or the slightest approach to
licence in manner or conversation; if he never speak slightingly
of the sex, and be ever ready to honour its virtues and defend its
weakness; she may continue to incline towards him a willing ear. His
habits and his conduct must awaken her vigilant attention before it
be too late. Should he come to visit her at irregular hours; should
he exhibit a vague or wandering attention--give proofs of a want
of punctuality--show disrespect for age--sneer at things sacred, or
absent himself from regular attendance at divine service--or evince
an inclination to expensive pleasures beyond his means, or to low and
vulgar amusements; should he be foppish, eccentric, or very slovenly
in his dress; or display a frivolity of mind, and an absence of
well-directed energy in his worldly pursuits; let the young lady, we
say, while there is yet time, eschew that gentleman's acquaintance,
and allow it gently to drop. The effort, at whatever cost to her
feelings, must be made, if she have any regard for her future
happiness and self-respect. The proper course then to take is to
intimate her distaste, and the causes that have given rise to it, to
her parents or guardian, who will be pretty sure to sympathise with
her, and to take measures for facilitating the retirement of the
gentleman from his pretensions.
_What the Gentleman should observe during Courtship_.
It would be well also for the suitor, on his part, during the first
few weeks of courtship, carefully to observe the conduct of the young
lady in her own family, and the degree of estimation in which she
is held by them, as well as amongst her intimate friends. If she be
attentive to her duties; respectful and affectionate to her parents;
kind and forbearing to her brothers and sisters; not easily ruffled
in temper; if her mind be prone to cheerfulness and to hopeful
aspiration, instead of to the display of a morbid anxiety and dread
of coming evil; if her pleasures and enjoyments be those which
chiefly centre in home; if her words be characterised by benevolence,
goodwill, and charity: then we say, let him not hesitate, but hasten
to enshrine so precious a gem in the casket of his affections. But if,
on the other hand, he should find that he has been attracted by the
tricksome affectation and heartless allurements of a flirt, ready
to bestow smiles on all, but with a heart for none; if she who has
succeeded for a time in fascinating him be of uneven temper, easily
provoked, and slow to be appeased; fond of showy dress, and eager for
admiration; ecstatic about trifles, frivolous in her tastes, and weak
and wavering in performing her duties; if her religious observances
are merely the formality of lip service; if she be petulant to her
friends, pert and disrespectful to her parents, overbearing to her
inferiors; if pride, vanity, and affectation be her characteristics;
if she be inconstant in her friendships; gaudy and slovenly, rather
than neat and scrupulously clean, in attire and personal habits: then
we counsel the gentleman to retire as speedily but as politely
as possible from the pursuit of an object quite unworthy of his
admiration and love; nor dread that the lady's friends--who must know
her better than he can do--will call him to account for withdrawing
from the field.
But we will take it for granted that all goes on well; that the
parties are, on sufficient acquaintance, pleased with each other, and
that the gentleman is eager to prove the sincerity of his affectionate
regard by giving some substantial token of his love and homage to the
fair one. This brings us to the question of
_Presents_,
a point on which certain observances of etiquette must not be
disregarded. A lady, for instance, cannot with propriety accept
presents from a gentleman _previously_ to his having made proposals
of marriage. She would by so doing incur an obligation at once
embarrassing and unbecoming. Should, however, the gentleman insist
on making her a present--as of some trifling article of jewellery,
&c.,--there must be no secret about it. Let the young lady take an
early opportunity of saying to her admirer, in the presence of her
father or mother, "I am much obliged to you for that ring (or other
trinket, as the case may be) which you kindly offered me the other
day, and which I shall be most happy to accept, if my parents do not
object;" and let her say this in a manner which, while it increases
the obligation, will divest it altogether of impropriety, from having
been conferred under the sanction of her parents.
We have now reached that stage, in the progress of the courtship where
budding affection, having developed into mature growth, encourages the
lover to make
_The Proposal_.
When about to take this step, the suitor's first difficulty is how to
get a favourable opportunity; and next, having got the chance, how to
screw his courage up to give utterance to the "declaration." We have
heard of a young lover who carried on a courtship for four months ere
he could obtain a private interview with his lady-love. In the house,
as might be expected, they were never left alone; and in a walk a
third party always accompanied them. In such a dilemma, ought he
to have unburdened his heart of its secret through the medium of
a letter? We say not. A declaration in writing should certainly be
avoided where the lover can by any possibility get at the lady's ear.
But there are cases where this is so difficult that an impatient lover
cannot be restrained from adopting the agency of a _billet-doux_ in
declaring his passion.
The lady, before proposal, is generally prepared for it. It is seldom
that such an avowal comes without some previous indications of look
and manner on the part of the admirer, which can hardly fail of
being understood. She may not, indeed, consider herself engaged; and,
although nearly certain of the conquest she has made, may yet have her
misgivings. Some gentlemen dread to ask, lest they should be refused.
Many pause just at the point, and refrain from anything like ardour
in their professions of attachment until they feel confident that
they may be spared the mortification and ridicule that is supposed
to attach to being rejected, in addition to the pain of disappointed
hope. This hesitation when the mind is made up is wrong; but it does
often occur, and we suppose ever will do so, with persons of great
timidity of character. By it both parties are kept needlessly on the
fret, until the long-looked-for opportunity unexpectedly arrives, when
the flood-gates of feeling are loosened, and the full tide of
mutual affection gushes forth uncontrolled. It is, however, at this
moment--the agony-point to the embarrassed lover, who "doats yet
doubts"--whose suppressed feelings render him morbidly sensitive--that
a lady should be especially careful lest any show of either prudery
or coquetry on her part should lose to her for ever the object of her
choice. True love is generally delicate and timid, and may easily be
scared by affected indifference, through feelings of wounded pride.
A lover needs very little to assure him of the reciprocation of his
attachment: a glance, a single pressure of hand, a whispered syllable
on the part of the loved one, will suffice to confirm his hopes.
_Refusal by the Young Lady_.
When a lady rejects the proposal of a gentleman, her behaviour should
be characterised by the most delicate feeling towards one who, in
offering her his hand, has proved his desire to confer upon her, by
this implied preference for her above all other women, the greatest
honour it is in his power to offer. Therefore, if she have no love for
him, she ought at least to evince a tender regard for his feelings;
and, in the event of her being previously engaged, should at once
acquaint him with the fact. No right-minded man would desire to
persist in a suit when he well knew that the object of his admiration
has already disposed of her heart.
When a gentleman makes an offer of his hand by letter, the letter
must be answered, and certainly not returned, should the answer be a
refusal; unless, indeed, when, from a previous repulse, or some other
particular and special circumstances, such an offer may be regarded
by the lady or her relatives as presumptuous and intrusive. Under such
circumstances, the letter may be placed by the lady in the hands of
her parents or guardian, to be dealt with by them as they may deem
most advisable.
No woman of proper feeling would regard her rejection of an offer of
marriage from a worthy man as a matter of triumph: her feeling on such
an occasion should be one of regretful sympathy with him for the pain
she is unavoidably compelled to inflict. Nor should such, a rejection
be unaccompanied with some degree of self examination on her part, to
discern whether any lightness of demeanour or tendency to flirtation
may have given rise to a false hope of her favouring his suit. At all
events, no lady should ever treat the man who has so honoured her with
the slightest disrespect or frivolous disregard, nor ever unfeelingly
parade a more favoured suitor before one whom she has refused.
_Conduct of the Gentleman when his Addresses are rejected_.
The conduct of the gentleman under such distressing circumstances
should be characterised by extreme delicacy and a chivalrous resolve
to avoid occasioning any possible annoyance or uneasiness to the fair
author of his pain. If, however, he should have reason to suppose that
his rejection has resulted from mere indifference to his suit, he need
not altogether retire from the field, but may endeavour to kindle
a feeling of regard and sympathy for the patient endurance of his
disappointment, and for his continued but respectful endeavours to
please the lukewarm fair one. But in the case of avowed or evident
preference for another, it becomes imperative upon him, as a
gentleman, to withdraw at once, and so relieve the lady of any
obstacle that his presence or pretensions may occasion to the
furtherance of her obvious wishes. A pertinacious continuance of his
attentions, on the part of one who has been distinctly rejected, is an
insult deserving of the severest reprobation. Although the weakness of
her sex, which ought to be her protection, frequently prevents a woman
from forcibly breaking off an acquaintance thus annoyingly forced upon
her, she rarely fails to resent such impertinence by that sharpest of
woman's weapons, a keen-edged but courteous ridicule, which few men
can bear up against.
_Refusal by the Lady's Parents or Guardians_.
It may happen that both the lady and her suitor are willing; but that
the parents or guardians of the former, on being referred to, deem
the connection unfitting, and refuse their consent. In this state of
matters, the first thing a man of sense, proper feeling, and candour
should do, is to endeavour to learn the objections of the parents, to
see whether they cannot be removed. If they are based on his present
insufficiency of means, a lover of a persevering spirit may effect
much in removing apprehension on that score, by cheerfully submitting
to a reasonable time of probation, in the hope of amelioration in
his worldly circumstances. Happiness delayed will be none the less
precious when love has stood the test of constancy and the trial
of time. Should the objection be founded on inequality of social
position, the parties, if young, may wait until matured age shall
ripen their judgment and place the future more at their own disposal.
A clandestine marriage should be peremptorily declined. In too many
cases it is a fraud committed by an elder and more experienced party
upon one whose ignorance of the world's ways and whose confiding
tenderness appeal to him for protection even against himself. In
nearly all the instances we have known of such marriages, the results
proved the step to have been ill-judged, imprudent, and highly
injurious to the reputation of one party, and in the long run
detrimental to the happiness of both.
* * * * *