deux façons, les unes par fricarelles, et par, comme dit ce poète,
_geminos committere connos_.
Cette façon n’apporte point de dommage, ce disent aucuns, comme quand
on s’aide d’instruments façonnés de ..., mais qu’on a voulu appeler des
g....
J’ai ouï conter q’un grand prince, se doutant de deux dames de sa cour
qui s’en aidaient, leur fit faire le guet si bien qu’il les surprit,
tellement que l’une se trouva saisie et accommodée d’un gros entre les
jambes, si gentiment attaché avec de petites bandelettes à l’entour du
corps qu’il semblait un membre naturel. Elle en fut si surprise qu’elle
n’eut loisir de l’ôter; tellement que ce prince la contraignit de lui
montrer comment elles deux se le faisaient.
On dit que plusieurs femmes en sont mortes, pour engendrer en leurs
matrices des apostumes faites par mouvements et frottements point
naturels.
J’en sais bien quelques-unes de ce nombre, dont ç’a été grand dommage,
car c’étaient de très belles et honnêtes dames et demoiselles,
qu’il eût bien mieux valu qu’elles eussent eu compagnie de quelques
honnêtes gentilhommes, qui pour cela ne les font mourir, mais vivre et
ressusciter, ainsi que j’espère le dire ailleurs; et même que pour la
guérison de tel mal, comme j’ai ouï conter à aucuns chirurgiens, qu’il
n’y a rien de plus propre que de les faire bien nettoyer làdedans par
ces membres naturels des hommes, qui sont meilleurs que des pessaires
qu’usent les médecins et chirurgiens, avec des eaux à ce composées;
et toutefois il y a plusieurs femmes, nonobstant les inconvénients
qu’elles en voient arriver souvent, si faut-il qu’elles en aient de ces
engins contrefaits.
—J’ai ouï faire un conte, moi étant lors à la Cour, que la reine mère
ayant fait commandement de visiter un jour les chambres et coffres
de tous ceux qui étaient logés dans le Louvre, sans épargner dames et
filles, pour voir s’il n’y avait point d’armes cachées et même des
pistolets, durant nos troubles, il y en eut une qui fut trouvée saisie
dans son coffre par le capitaine des gardes, non point de pistolets,
mais de quatre gros g..., gentiment façonnés, qui donnèrent bien de la
risée au monde, et à elle bien de l’étonnement.
Je connais la demoiselle: je crois qu’elle vit encore; mais elle n’eut
jamais bon visage. Tels instruments enfin sont très dangereux. Je
ferai encore ce conte de deux dames de la cour qui s’entr’aimaient
si fort et étaient si chaudes à leur métier, qu’en quelque endroit
qu’elles fussent ne s’en pouvaient garder ni abstenir que pour le
moins ne fissent quelques signes d’amourettes ou de baiser; qui les
scandalisaient si fort et donnaient à penser beaucoup aux hommes. Il
y en avait une veuve, et l’autre mariée; et comme la mariée, un jour
d’une grande magnificence, se fut fort bien parée et habillée d’une
robe de toile d’argent, ainsi que leur maîtresse était allée à vêpres,
elles entrèrent dans son cabinet, et sur sa chaise percée se mirent
à faire leur fricarelle si rudement et si impétueusement qu’elle en
rompit sous elles, et la dame mariée qui faisait le dessous tomba avec
sa belle robe de toile d’argent à la renverse tout à plat sur l’ordure
du bassin, si bien qu’elle se gâta et souilla si fort qu’elle ne sut
que faire que s’essuyer le mieux qu’elle put, se trousser, et s’en
aller en grande hâte changer de robe dans sa chambre, non sans pourtant
avoir été aperçue et bien sentie à la trace, tant elle puait: dont il
en fut ri assez par aucuns qui en surent le conte; même leur maîtresse
le sut, qui s’en aidait comme elle, et en rit son saoul. Aussi il
fallait bien que cette ardeur les maîtrisât fort, que de n’attendre un
lieu et un temps à propos, sans se scandaliser.
Still excuse may be made for maids and widows for loving these
frivolous and empty pleasures, preferring to devote themselves to these
than to go with men and come to dishonour, or else to lose their pains
altogether, as some have done and do every day. Moreover they deem they
do not so much offend God, and are not such great harlots, as if they
had to do with the men, maintaining there is a great difference betwixt
throwing water in a vessel and merely watering about it and round the
rim. However I refer me to them; I am neither their judge nor their
husband. These last may find it ill, but generally I have never seen
any but were right glad their wives should be companionable with their
lady friends. And in very deed this is a very different thing from that
with men, and, let Martial say what he please, this alone will make
no man cuckold. ’Tis no Gospel text, this word of a foolish poet. In
this at any rate he saith true, that ’tis much better for a woman to
be masculine and a very Amazon and lewd after this fashion, than for a
man to be feminine, like Sardanapalus or Heliogabalus, and many another
their fellows in sin. For the more manlike she is, the braver is she.
But concerning all this, I must refer me to the decision of wiser heads.
Monsieur du Gua and I were reading one day in a little Italian book,
called the _Book of Beauty_,[103*] writ in the form of a dialogue by
the Signor Angelo Firenzuola, a Florentine, and fell upon a passage
wherein he saith that women were originally made by Jupiter and created
of such nature that some are set to love men, but others the beauty
of one another. But of these last, some purely and holily, and as an
example of this the author doth cite the very illustrious Marguerite
of Austria, which did love the fair Laodamia Fortenguerre, but others
again wantonly and lasciviously, like Sappho the Lesbian, and in our
own time at Rome the famous courtesan Cecilia of Venice. Now this sort
do of their nature hate to marry, and fly the conversation of men all
ever they can.
Hereupon did Monsieur du Gua criticise the author, saying ’twas a
falsehood that the said fair lady, Marguerite of Austria, did love the
other fair dame of a pure and holy love. For seeing she had taken up
her rather than others which might well be equally fair and virtuous as
she, ’twas to be supposed it was to use her for her pleasures, neither
more nor less than other women that do the like. Only to cover up her
naughtiness, she did say and publish abroad how that her love for her
was a pure and holy love, as we see many of her fellows do, which do
dissemble their lewdness with suchlike words.
This was what Monsieur du Gua did remark thereanent; and if any man
doth wish to discuss the matter farther, well! he is at liberty to do
so.
This same fair Marguerite was the fairest Princess was ever in all
Christendom in her day. Now beauty and beauty will ever feel mutual
love of one sort or another, but wanton love more often than the other.
She was married three times, having at her first wedlock espoused King
Charles VIII. of France, secondly John, son of the King of Aragon, and
thirdly the Duke of Savoy, surnamed the Handsome. And men spake of them
as the handsomest pair and fairest couple of the time in all the world.
However the Princess did have little profit of this union, for that he
died very young, and at the height of his beauty, for the which she had
very deep sorrow and regret, and for that cause would never marry again.
She it was had that fair church[104] built which lyeth near Bourg en
Bresse, one of the most beautiful and noble edifices in Christendom.
She was aunt to the Emperor Charles, and did greatly help her nephew;
for she was ever eager to allay all differences, as she and the Queen
Regent did at the treaty of Cambrai, whereunto both of them did
assemble and met together there. And I have heard tell from old folk,
men and women, how it was a beauteous sight there to see these two
great Princesses together.
Cornelius Agrippa hath writ a brief Treatise on the virtue of women,
and all in panegyric of this same Marguerite. The book is a right good
one, as it could not but be on so fair a subject, and considering its
author, who was a very notable personage.
I have heard a tale of a certain great lady, a Princess, which among
all her maids of honour did love one above all and more than the rest.
At first were folk greatly surprised at this, for there were plenty of
others did surpass her in all respects. But eventually ’twas discovered
she was a hermaphrodite.
I have heard a certain great lady also named as being hermaphrodite.
She hath a virile member, but very tiny; yet hath she more of the
woman’s complexion, and I know, by having seen her, she is very fair. I
have heard sundry famous doctors say they have seen plenty such.
Well, this is all I shall say on the subject of this Chapter, one I
could have made a thousand times longer than I have done, having
matter so ample and lengthy, that if all the cuckold husbands and their
wives that do make them so, were to hold hands, and form a ring, I
verily believe this would be great enough to surround and encircle a
good half of the globe.
In the days of the late King Francis an old song was current, which
I have heard a very honourable and venerable dame repeat, to the
following effect:
Mais quand viendra la saison
Que les cocus s’assembleront,
Le mien ira devant, qui portera la bannière;
Les autres suivront après, le vostre sera au derrière.
La procession en sera grande,
L’on verra une très longue bande.
(But when the season shall come that the cuckolds shall muster, then
mine shall march in front, and shall bear the banner; the rest shall
follow after, while yours shall bring up the rear. A grand sight will
the procession of them be,—a long, long train!)
Yet would I not inveigh over much against honourable and modest wives,
which have borne themselves virtuously and faithfully in the fealty
sacredly sworn to their husbands; and I do hope anon to write a
separate chapter to their praise, and give the lie to Master Jean de
Meung.[105] Now this poet in his _Roman de la Rose_ did write these
words: Toutes vous autres femmes....
Estes ou fustes,
D’effet ou de volonté, putes.
(Ye women every one are, or have been, mere whores, if not in deed,
then in desire.)
By these verses he did incur such ill will on the part of the Court
ladies of that day, that by a plot sanctioned of the Queen and with
her privity, these did undertake one day to whip the poet, and did
strip him stark naked. But as all stood ready to strike, he did beseech
them that at any rate the greatest whore of all should begin first.
Then each for very shame durst not strike first; and in this wise he
did escape the whip. Myself have seen the story represented in an old
tapestry among the ancient furnishings of the Louvre.
16.
No less do I admire a certain Preacher, who one day preaching to a
worthy company, and taking occasion to reprove the habits of some women
and of their husbands which did endure to be cuckolded of them, did of
a sudden set to and shout out: “Yes, I know them well, I can see them,
and I am going to throw these two stones at the heads of the biggest
cuckolds in the assembly.” Then as he did make pretence to throw them,
there was never a man in all the congregation but did duck his head,
or put up his cloak, or his cape, or his arm, before his face, for to
ward off the blow. But the divine, rebuking them, cried, “Did I not
tell you? I did suppose there might be two or three cuckolds in my
congregation; but lo! by what I see, there is never a man but is one.”
Still, let these wild talkers say what they will, there be many very
chaste and honourable women, who if they had to give battle to their
opposites, would gain the day, not for their numbers but their virtue,
which doth resist and easily subdue its contrary.
Moreover when the aforenamed Jean de Meung doth blame those women
which are “whores, in desire,” meseems he ought rather to commend and
extol such to the skies, seeing that if they do burn so ardently in
their body and spirit, yet put no wrong in practice, they do herein
manifest their virtue, and the firmness and nobility of their heart.
For they do choose rather to burn and consume away in their own fire
and flame of desire, like that rare and wondrous bird the phœnix,
than forfeit and stain their honour. Herein they do resemble the
white ermine, which had rather die than foul itself,—’tis the device
of a very great lady I knew at one time, yet but ill carried out by
her,—seeing how, it being in their power to apply the remedy, yet do
they so nobly refrain, and seeing there is no greater virtue nor no
nobler victory than to master and subdue one’s own nature. Hereanent
we have a very excellent story in the _Cent Nouvelles_ of the Queen
of Navarre, concerning that honourable lady of Pampeluna, who albeit
in her heart and of desire a whore, and burning for the love of the
handsome and noble M. d’Avannes, did choose rather to die in her heat
of longing than seek her remedy, as she did find means to inform him in
her dying words.[106*]
Most unfairly and unjustly then did this same fair and honourable lady
bring to pass her own death; and, as I did hear an honourable gentleman
and lady say, when discoursing on this passage, the thing was not void
of offence against God, seeing she could have saved herself from death.
But to so bring it on herself and precipitate it, this is rightly
called suicide. And there be many of her kidney which by reason of this
great continence and abstinence from the pleasures of love, do bring
about their own death, both for body and spirit.
I have it from a very great physician,—and I fancy he hath given a like
lesson and instruction to several honourable dames,—that the human body
can scarce ever be well, unless all the parts and members thereof, from
the greatest to the least, do all of them and in due accord perform
those offices and functions which wise nature hath appointed them for
their proper health. All must make one harmony together, like a concert
of music, it being in no wise right that while some of the said parts
and members are active, others be out of work. So in a commonweal must
all officers, artisans, workmen and others, do their several tasks
unanimously, without idling and without throwing their work the one on
the other, if it is to go well and the body politic to continue healthy
and entire. And so is it likewise with the human body.
Suchlike fair ladies, whores in spirit but chaste in body, do verily
deserve everlasting praises. Not so they which are cold as marble,
dull, slack, and stirless as a rock, and have naught of the flesh
about them or any atom of feeling—though such are scarce ever really
to be found. These be neither fair nor sought after of men, and may be
described in the Latin poet’s words,
... Casta quam nemo rogavit,
(Chaste, seeing no man ever solicited her favours.)
As to this, I do know a great lady, who was used to say to sundry of
her companions that were fair of face, “Truly God hath done me a great
grace in that he hath not made me fair like you. For then should I have
loved like you, and been an harlot even as you are.” Wherefore the more
should men commend such women as are fair and yet chaste, seeing what
their natural bent is.
Very often too are we deceived in such women. For some of them there be
which, to see them so full of airs and graces, so rueful and pitiful of
mien, so cold and discreet in bearing, and so straitlaced and modest
in their words and severe costume, a man might well take for regular
Saints and most prudish dames. Yet are the same inwardly and of heart’s
desire, and eke outwardly in very deed, downright fine harlots.
Others again we see which by their pleasant ways and merry words,
their free gestures and worldly, modish dress, might well be deemed of
dissolute manners and ready to give themselves at a moment’s notice.
Yet of their body will these same be highly correct and respectable
dames,—in the world’s eye. As to their secret life, we can only guess
at the truth, so well is it hid away.
Of these things I could bring forward many and many an example, that
myself have seen and heard of; but I will content me with one which
Livy doth cite, and Boccaccio in even better terms, of a certain fair
Roman dame, by name Claudia Quinta.[107*] This lady did ever appear
abroad more than all the other Roman ladies in showy and something
immodest dress, and by her gay and free bearing did seem more worldly
than was meet, and so won a very ill name as touching her honour. Yet
when the great day came for the welcoming to the city of the goddess
Cybelé, she was cleared of all ill repute. For she had the especial
honour, above all other women, to receive the image of the goddess out
of the ship, to handle and convey the same to the town. At this were
all men astonished, for it had been declared that the best man and the
best woman of the city alone were worthy of this office. Note how folk
may be deceived in women. One is bound to know them well first, and
well examine them, before judging them, one sort as much as the other.
So must I, before making an end of this subject, name yet another
virtue and property cuckoldry doth contain. This I have of a very
honourable and fair lady of a good house, into whose closet being
one day entered in, I did find her in the very act of finishing the
inditing of a Tale with her own hand. This Tale she did show me very
freely, for I was one of her close friends, and she kept no secrets
from me. She was very witty and ready of words, and right well endowed
for love. Now the opening of the tale was after this wise:
“It doth seem,” she saith, “how that among other good properties
cuckoldry may bring with it, is the good and excellent knowledge
won thereby as to how the wit is right pleasantly exercised for the
pleasure and content of human nature. For this it is which doth watch
and invent and fashion the needful artifices to succeed, whereas mere
nature doth only furnish the desire and sensual appetite. And this may
be hid by many ruses and cunning devices that are practised in the
trade of love, which doth give horns to poor mankind. For ’tis needful
to cajole a jealous, suspicious and angry husband; ’tis needful to
cajole and blind the eyes of those that be most ready to suspect evil,
and to turn aside the most curious from knowledge of the truth. ’Tis
needful to inspire belief in good faith just where is naught but fraud,
and frankness where is naught but dissimulation. In a word so many
be the difficulties must be overcome to ensure success, these do far
exceed what natural endowment can reach. The wit must be given full
play, which doth furnish forth pleasure, and maketh more horns than
ever the body doth, which strictly speaking implanteth and fixeth the
same.”
Such were the very words of the said fair lady’s discourse, without
any change whatsoever, which she doth make at the beginning of her
story, that she writ herself. However she did disguise the thing under
other names; and so, following out the loves of the Lord and lady she
hath to do with, and to reach an end and proper perfection, she doth
allege that the appearance of love is but one of satisfaction and
content. ’Tis altogether without form until the entire gratification
and possession of the same, and many a time folk deem they have arrived
at this extreme, when really they are far enough from their desire.
Then for all recompense remaineth naught but the time lost, a cause for
bitter regrets. These last words do deserve to be carefully noted and
well weighed, for they do hit the mark and afford matter for serious
thought. Still there is no other thing but the actual enjoyment in love
whether for man or woman to prevent all regrets for the past time. And
for this cause the said honourable lady did give assignation to her
lover in a wood, whither oft times she would betake her to walk in a
very fair avenue, at the entrance whereof she did leave her women, and
so went forward to find him under a fine, spreading, shady chestnut.
For it was in summer-tide. “In the which retreat,” to go on with the
lady’s tale in her own words, “there is no doubt what life the twain
did lead for a space, and what a fine altar they did raise up to
the poor husband in the Temple of Ceraton (Temple of Horns), albeit
they were not in the island of Delos, the which fane was made all of
horns,—doubtless founded by some gay and gallant fellow of yore.”[108*]
This is the way the lady did make a mock of her husband, as well in her
writings as also in her pleasures and in very deed. Note well all she
saith, for her words do carry weight, being pronounced and writ down by
so clever and honourable a dame.
The Tale in truth is right excellent, and I would gladly have copied
the same and inserted it in this place. But alas! ’tis too long, for
the discourse and negotiations before coming to the end they did, are
finely expressed and eke lengthy. First she doth reproach her lover,
who was ever praising her extravagantly, how that ’twas the effect
rather of native and fresh passion in him than of any especial merit
in her, albeit she was one of the fairest and most honourable ladies
of the time. Then, for to combat this opinion, the lover must needs
give great proofs of his love, the which are right well specified and
depicted in the said Tale. Afterward, being now in accord, the pair
do exhibit all sorts of ruses, trickeries and love cajoleries, both
against the husband and against other folk,—all which be of a surety
very excellent and very wittily conceived.
I did beseech the lady to give me a copy of the Tale. This she did
very readily, and would have none copy it but herself, for fear of
indiscretion; the which copy I do hold as one of my most precious
possessions.
Now this lady was very right in assigning this virtue and good property
to cuckoldry. For before devoting herself to love, she was not clever
at all. But later, having once taken it in hand, she did become one of
the most witty and clever women in all France, as well in this province
as in others. And in truth she is by no means the only one I have seen
which hath got good training by the handling of love. For I have known
an host of dames which were most silly and awkward at their first
beginning; yet had the same not tarried a year at the school of Cupid
and his lady mother Venus before they came forth thereof right clever
and accomplished adepts in all ways. And for myself I have never yet
seen an harlot but was right clever and well able to hold her own.
Now will I ask yet this one question more,—in which season of the
year are the most cuckolds made, and which is the most meet for love,
and to shake the virtue of a woman, whether wife or maid? Without a
doubt common consent hath it there is never a time for this like the
Spring, the which doth awaken body and spirit, both put to sleep by
the wearisome, melancholic winter-tide. Seeing all birds and beasts
do rejoice at this season’s coming, and all betake them to love,
surely mankind, which have yet stronger feelings and promptings, will
experience the same even more, and womenfolk above all others,—an
opinion maintained by many philosophers and wise physicians. For truly
women do then entertain a greater heat and lovingness than at any
other season,—as I have heard sundry fair and honourable dames say,
and in especial a certain great lady, that did never miss, so sure
as Spring-tide came round, to be more touched and pricked of these
feelings than at any other period whatsoever. She was used to say she
did feel the fresh grass springing, and did crave after the same like
as mare and colts do, and she must needs taste thereof, or she should
grow pined and thin. And this she did, I do assure you, and at the
season did wax more lustful than ever. Thus three or four new intrigues
that I have seen her enter on in her life, all these she did commence
in Spring,—and not without reason; for of all the months in the year,
April and May be the most surely consecrated and devoted to Venus, at
the which times fair ladies do set them, more than afore, to pet their
bodies and deck them out daintily, to arrange their hair in wanton
wise and don light raiment. And it may well be said how that these new
changes in dress and ways do all aim at one and the same thing, to wit
lasciviousness, and to people the earth with cuckoos a-walking about
thereon, to match the winged ones that the air of heaven doth produce
in these same months of April and May.