World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and
Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is
an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from
their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And
though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or
other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than
ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long
till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it
apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life,
or else flies his Country, to save it.
Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole
nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away
Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close
with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then
senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling
and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a
Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his
voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become
learned Doctors.
Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential
Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths,
books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to
their Parents soundly peppered.
Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their
Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without
the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a
daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which
knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and
mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda
is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well
how to empty the Students Pockets.
Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are
indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that
their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in
his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because
they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a
very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of
those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.
But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their
wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long
time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court
Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other
vocation, be cast in their teeth.
Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave
themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that
it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.
But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but
fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some
considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours,
perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a
rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage
or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means
will hardly maintain them.
If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs
away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he
hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his
Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first
Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if
their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been
obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!
But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;
yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason
that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their
Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in
the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.
These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the
full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and
have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while,
all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness,
cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To
that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece
of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over
shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the
beholders.
These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City
Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener
Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men,
then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.
This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination
towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and
indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make
use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come
to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage
this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.
Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with
his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the
Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means
marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the
Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than
Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at
home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and
tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected,
occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings
up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that
it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the
Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a
horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well
married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.
You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks
and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a
liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not
brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he
is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will,
when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
him to be a great man.
[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest
and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be
noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we
could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the
revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.
Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession
of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the
contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your
Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.
For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own
spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;
because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
Pleasures of Marriage.
THE NINTH PLEASURE.
_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._
'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children
take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;
the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and
the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they
appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we
perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and
that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant
Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest
Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and
airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or
rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow
to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are
natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your
expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a
Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush
Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several
examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to
be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large
prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do
herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which
house-keeping people have not only from children, but from
base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done
unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and
stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base
Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the
Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm
all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due
obedience.
Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have
gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss;
immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over
her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she
knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them,
and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and
that so_.
And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this
some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again
as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing
Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if
their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases
them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with
the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a
service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks
sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's
damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will
not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her
hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I
command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your
Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must
hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._
How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no
sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out
servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses
insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by
some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves
Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her
Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means
to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service,
and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to
turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then
to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient
for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be
near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a
Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own
mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess.
Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and
watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and
neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good
humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves
Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To
which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and
again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes
to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with
the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with
a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master,
to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to
rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of
inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master
have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare
him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some
indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty
merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there,
Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this
bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid
answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I
must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The
answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms,
throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite
of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married,
then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she
had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view
what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with
her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very
honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security
for her fidelity.
Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss
perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the
better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a
glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back,
but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before
she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over
the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that
soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as
she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the
Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was
impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can
abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep
come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three
daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more
mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup
to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody
Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she
is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an
Angel a year the more wages for it.
But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other
causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to
go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in
the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the
children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither
is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other
may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on
Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I
should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that
she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to
retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had
been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but
the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her
physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs,
that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would
not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same
time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner
prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire,
that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that
her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and
Fairing.
Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and
Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould;
for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the
t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both
of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter,
to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry
themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew
themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire
in one hand and water in the t'other.
These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses,
with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries;
keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which
know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and
brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and
basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own
houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as
precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they
cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they
do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some
that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain
that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary
devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins,
to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or
such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their
fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their
husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what
delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd
Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long
aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their
fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the
Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable
poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable
and terrible to be related.
By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of
people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and
actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast
quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are
damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants,
salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over
Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must,
therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so
especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many
times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of
the adversities that may befall it.
This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after
t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in
again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a
new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve
the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a
tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times
observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a
conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth
and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in
their own Family.
THE TENTH PLEASURE.
_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous.
And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be
divorced._
As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people;
and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on
the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad
Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions
and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets
their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying
fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the
emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too
much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain,
that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations
annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this
it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble
and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship:
for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat
to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is
no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind
of imperficiency.
[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company,
be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the
woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless
when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the
Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else
credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of
prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.