for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But
because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their
business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out
their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some
movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great
trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the
commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen
to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our
self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter
of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife
are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading
in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied;
and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such
like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks
but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do
contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to
have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse
with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl,
chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars
then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is
such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know
how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible
words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and
rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove
their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent
Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish
their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their
brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest,
the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly.
For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his
servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife
lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so
bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest
people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut
many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds
thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity,
which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he
is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would
be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon
his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of
them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his
wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so
divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also
never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his
nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason
for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation
of implacable hatred.
Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is
a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every
way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth,
then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in
his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his
presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have
had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where
this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such
Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill
doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now
begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband
is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured;
and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much
from those of former times, and especially from them of the first
year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the
occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine
Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away
by some or other charming Punk.
And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that
somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had
just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before
came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had
taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he
related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening,
with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy
houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to
suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way,
imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay,
the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his
coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest,
seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is
so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun,
and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice,
that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the
Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a
shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane,
or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is
not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in
these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with
jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or
who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the
dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look
sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab,
poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the
love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that
through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married
Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth
such evill fruits.
Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the
Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united
and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of
superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people;
whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and
to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each
other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding
married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in
better tranquility.
But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all
the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then
reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and
Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by
each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest
reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble;
especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and
reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this
jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people
of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some
which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and
suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is
impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in
the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who
dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to
be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read
all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by
the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a
Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net,
where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these
following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
_You may in sea lanch when you will,
To see the boistrous Main,
Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,
Fore you return again.
The married state, is much like this,
O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,
Yet must be born, see how it is,
With tauntings, toils, and losses._
But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors,
just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses;
for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs
and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and
Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by
death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it
might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of
his jealousie.
And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between
him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that
those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation,
have just remained alive.
Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an
operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And
that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that
they might the better excuse those of their Adversary.
O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a
Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and
tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of
their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long
together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their
second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to
the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the
folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have
more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever
had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the
married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them
were married to women, who notably bore the sway.
We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that
pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief,
trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary,
that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding
appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by
marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married
Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a
second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the
exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with
that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher
Marcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remain
without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise,
and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much
as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the
World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole
bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue._
THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.