alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit;
never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary
dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs
too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his
reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their
Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour
of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each
Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers,
half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the
reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and
chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to
be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best
places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen,
in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching
the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or
heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.
It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a
Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part
must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty
of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went
away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all
spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth
then the mony.
In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with
the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for
the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in
Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the
Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage
on the mens side.
But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath
more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the
feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good
Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the
pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their
fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the
less.
And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies
him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about
the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he
did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be
a much more rare and pleasant sight.
There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that
consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with
Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their
Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound,
and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they
hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and
there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh
in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the
Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go
themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like
beasts then men.
This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs
at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be
screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers;
though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away
they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then
the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at
her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the
belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is
much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching
him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with
little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the
Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under
the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and
roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie
caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this
most noble victory.
Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the
Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns
him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the
Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up
to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small
joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then
there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the
Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being
furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his
paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs;
there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the
stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no
mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth
him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.
But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate
the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing
temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes
do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never
so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:
_When Women long, it harms by chance,
But mens desire's a worser dance._
And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to
Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon
day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of
Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece,
and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse,
and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer
nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate
their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry,
Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances.
Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily
swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to
send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.
If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some
pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein,
that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
satisfie their longing appetites.
Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to
make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies
so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the
consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found
out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of
an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons
throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least
symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are
like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for
all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and
when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if
they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes
Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the
Water be changed in to Wine.
Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to
know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some
hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what
news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels,
or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must
buy and read them, let it cost what it will.
Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great
prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of
the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations
know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they
never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the
weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of
the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which
many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and
touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the
governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for
when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own
business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.
'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves,
observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves
easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle
salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of
their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings
with eys of pleasure.
Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a
kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are
infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times,
and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in
looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do
come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.
But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height,
that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans
contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely
perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives
go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they
ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to
the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away,
concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.
But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two
agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in
taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto
you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad,
and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall
tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all
things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again
in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take
delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.
If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes
spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for
you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and
every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.
You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the
Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and
Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out
of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very
good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore
think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will
have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they
are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis
also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their
affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great
_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly
their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the
actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of
his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at
night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.
'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of
love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if
he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the
Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to
a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the
Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these
smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition
between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and
Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where
there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as
soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight,
that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the
t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine
that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should
live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay,
if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those
Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though
_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would
make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that
you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and
away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming
in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is
taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other
Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he
tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far
delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he
acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first
word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the
same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good
Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All
good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.
Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with
the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and
this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by
the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that
it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they
every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally
squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but
keeping them late out from their families; and making them like
incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when
they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to
their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl
or chide with.
To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter,
Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they
commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and
Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a
large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very
subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and
advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes
catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that
they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they
stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and
know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have
made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let
them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for
nothing of grumbling and mumbling.
_Some sorts of men,
Are Tyrants when,
Their thirsty Souls are fill'd:
They scold sore hot
Like_ Peep in th' Pot
_And never can be still'd.
They talk and prate_
At such a rate,
And think of nought but evil;
They fight and brawl,
And Wives do mawl,
Though all run for the Divel.
But at their draugh,
They quaff and laugh
Amongst their fellow creatures.
They swear and tear
And never fear
Old _Nick_ in his worst features.
Who would but say
Then, by the way
That Woman is distressed,
Who must indure
An Epicure
With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.
In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are
hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad
examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there
are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they
were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of
difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it,
know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and
respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over
their children.
Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen,
and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some
important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that
his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as
deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of
all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in
the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter,
drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself
very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long
that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell
into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said,
Father! are we not now like brothers?
By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples,
may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort
of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of
excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent
Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good
acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but
seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the
highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in
the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon
which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:
_Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,
Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._
But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;
and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market,
there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready,
and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have
very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas
of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up
stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for
greater Pleasure then this!
O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can
keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is
there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly
and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly
once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although
it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions,
which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or
somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were
all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief
and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it
self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a
hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood.
But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young
Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that
doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and
beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least
possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with
some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel
in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his
companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain
imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be
discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.
This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for
marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider,
the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most
gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us,
that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree.
And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike
natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together,
there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;
unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows
extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may
the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the
Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary
suffer most miserable Shipwrack.
[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel
for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._
Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it
is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming
that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men
oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl
and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill
name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now
a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for
farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to
see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.
Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect
these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of
the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that
the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be
possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you
had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you
would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;
for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those
pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the
better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the
gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and
Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of
fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this
wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury.
Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are
descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the
good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.