th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an
cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that
they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O
mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into
this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is
preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._]
THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._
As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner,
the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the
greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities
Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed
or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry
white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
stars.
It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable
multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure,
that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of
Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.
You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you
have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want
the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it
safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free
dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in
between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!
Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal
of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the
preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and
taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally
hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out
of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten
times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither
for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but
dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which
sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall
have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.
And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very
subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above
all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a
great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And
then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to
be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that
the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping
are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is
impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a
Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot
to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it
is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony,
to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when
her husband is gone from home.
And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great
sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must
be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with
every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch
that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is
needful for his occasion from his Wife.
Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies
see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good
observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for
Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or
increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and
she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and
understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be
gotten forward or gone backward in the World.
And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath
alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to
all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within
dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress,
&c.
With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel
know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true
pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while
busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and
self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and
guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That
it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is,
whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but
added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into
an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be
striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these
reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept
as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest
they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived
of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name
but cannot obtain the effect.
In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by
clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and
makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of
the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly
flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to
deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with
abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make
some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which
makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to
give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.
And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth
so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him
pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means
making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge,
though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if
she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes
to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as
modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases
her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty
acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some
petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and
tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but
that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had
for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that
perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.
Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins
to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making
thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the
cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and
finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be
short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on,
though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear
it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like
other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.
In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can,
and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times
there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats,
Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and
habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease
of some friend, &c.
Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband,
imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it
all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd
Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and
means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to
the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
pain, patience is the best remedy.
But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_,
have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of
your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in
each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality,
interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies;
the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt
but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.
And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at
Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the
occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and
therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to
Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime,
delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many
great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that
they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great
sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very
prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner,
Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully
after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread;
and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their
Lords and husbands.
These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the
Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of
my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that
her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.
But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are
shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like
manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and
every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he
hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half
finished are weary of it. Therefore
_To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,
For many do repent, untill that they be dead;
But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,
A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._
[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and
loss of time is discovered._
Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most
cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind
and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the
Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the
occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and
Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is
many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self
like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the
Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things
must run to a total destruction.
Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost
indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their
affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are
earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live
honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children
and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of
diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no
evening too late for them.
But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent
of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a
Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and
about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in
his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can
blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far,
that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his
whole delight ought to be.
If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study,
because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see
what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take
yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would
certainly be a dead man, &c.
And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend,
who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the
very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong
liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next
morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty
glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then
to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
it causes the better operation.
Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he
takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the
Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for
it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.
For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to
visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient
walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other
in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!
Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are
all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another,
to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily
concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the
contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of
Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in
the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of
Wine.
Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen,
accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest
Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in
Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do
in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full
purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own.
And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns;
they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to
chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this
part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning,
they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their
wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and
agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries
mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long,
till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt
up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner
leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.
By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves;
making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other
Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will,
or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other
end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at
Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then
they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there
to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half
carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that
they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus
all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.
The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and
others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but
the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some
Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings,
or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath
not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
occasion for any such sort of businesses.
And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these
sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to
have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to
obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much
tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs
and business to be imploied therein.
Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others,
oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and
Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the
arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and
Wares, are risen or fallen in price.
Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their
Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an
hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the
Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though
it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek
some Pot-Companions.
These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the
Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the
Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish
Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there
is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable
of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock
strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were
never so late.
There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go
out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures
for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with
selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and
talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and
call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua
mirabilis.
And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason
that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of
the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and
Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are
early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the
Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that
more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found
at the Playhouses.
Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures
in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along
the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and
at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their
Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal
of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
be chatting and chaffering with.
These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and
Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all
their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the
very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of
their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and
Counting-houses.
Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts,
spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and
all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the
World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a
gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.
_No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,
Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._
Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the
forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there,
and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their
Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their
Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon
the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts,
Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers,
and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young
ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run
to destruction.
But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon
certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the
Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three
hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend
there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport.
Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are
forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops
either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if
they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great
valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty
imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that
his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John
Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire
Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.
Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers,
coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the
Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to
fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in
his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but
seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
Guinneys.