affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he
resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to
that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or
that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby
commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as
if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and
down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it
himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate
instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary
delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a
huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid
Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.
But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather
weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who
immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty
or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old
Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a
time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent
for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples
of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.
But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;
therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German
Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his
country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr
zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des
Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze
kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht,
aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret
warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal
tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und
Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch
gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe
und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel
gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es
is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und
mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich
zein._
_In English thus._
Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in
the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree,
if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of
sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously
cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and
take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use
of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with
fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps
and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and
Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately
Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you
will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
acceptable to your dearly beloved.
Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter,
and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of
words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth,
for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is
therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling
and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him
take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker
and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him,
that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins
of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm
to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him
that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c.
Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground
of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.
O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward,
it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor,
who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails
to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery
of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to
account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the
tiding of a new Bankrupt.
But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for
nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new
remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.
Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._
And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and
Tansies, &c.
Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this
manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is
not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of
consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken
such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so
powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband
who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly
sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and
mollifie it with showers of tears.
But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with
this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it
known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you
before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and
instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir,
we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half
your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your
wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate
Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the
like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives
lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor
hath taken so much the better care for it.
Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the
same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last
receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.
And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce
abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast
up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most
cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to
hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to
the further matter of fact.
For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last
Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through
Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd
so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth
Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were
troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in
through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too
true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks
or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing
a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master
_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get
as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running
behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into
France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then
when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you
and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good
advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell
together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump,
that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired
mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.
At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having
toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh
Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be
familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom
bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon,
as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very
cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads,
that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;
having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.
But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take
some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her
displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise
of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling,
answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he
hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will
have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear
anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.
A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and
walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of
Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt,
Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the
t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep.
What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes
Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)
alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!
There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a
new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to
break of.
But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the
Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith,
Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by
my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel,
saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not
without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband
hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of
Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.
But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the
Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as
it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you
expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are
yet other Nuts to be krackt.
THE THIRD PLEASURE.
_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's
sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._
It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel
striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made
and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying
in.
[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes
a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a
journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers
in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which
means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of
his Shop-keeping.
Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their
loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young
woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her
self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer
this.
Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of
mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not
then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible
and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these
two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number
of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are
used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the
reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these
effeminate passions.
Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between
her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and
using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart
merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she,
suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with
me!
But because time and good company help to decline and pass away
sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit
opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good
acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to
come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times
with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that
she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And
she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because
one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her
Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for
trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat
she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with
this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty
Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a
gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and
acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.
To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies
appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer
themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their
Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of
themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done
and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
mony as well as her husband.
Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a
Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake
Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to
stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid
Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and
_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt
to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook
must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must
run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves,
Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun,
and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all
those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be
a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of
Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because
they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that
bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town,
and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats
so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day
following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part
once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what
will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this
three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the
Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat
hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and
in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters,
and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be
fetcht ne'r so far.
Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago
was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly
there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then
womens tears!
But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently,
therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover
there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their
Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the
sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to
be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the
Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had
not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the
pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there
was no looking for them.
Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in
sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have
been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but
now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber,
Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest
Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked.
They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that
in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf,
Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one
of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to
act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to
discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as
these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never
seen that they practised this lesson themselves.
But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing
of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School,
and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants,
who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in,
and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses
footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that
we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures
of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.
Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease,
will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal
should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby
will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in
private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a
publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort
of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry
roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered
with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or
another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences,
serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very
indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do
arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
_Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._
Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the
delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be
in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:
For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in
their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses
dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they
do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be
not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very
courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and
complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least
Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards,
that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then
again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the
night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part
of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they
dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very
artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers
as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves
with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever
they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a
good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how
to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them
happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this
continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at
first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and
not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into
their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions
very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition
taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance
to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor
be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number
of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may
there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises,
so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other
things plenty, for little or nothing.
But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations,
that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our
kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about
the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole
bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible
amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have
received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and
conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its
cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not
able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the
company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be
at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must,
with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or
sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting,
every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins,
that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it
by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and
wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that
the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so
much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of
joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions
are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other
side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all
things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.